sticky situation with divorced parents

anaalicia123

Hi guys,

Sorry in advance for the long post! But I really need your help with 2 difficult situations. I want to avoid World War III from starting at my wedding!!!

My parents have been dicovrced for about 20 years. Our whole lives, my brother and I have lived with our mom and her side of the family. We see our dad maaayyyybbeee once a year or so. We are close, but not SUPER close (he doesn't live in the US so visiting is difficult).

Here is where the situation gets sticky. Last year my dad remarried. Just to give you a feel of our relationship, my dad told us a month before he was supposed to get married. My brother and I did not attend the ceremony because we had previous obligations we could not change and could not travel out of the coutnry, but my dad married anyways without us there and against his family's wishes. He is now living with his wife and her kids (they're around 10 and 6 yrs old) and has a very strained relationship with his mom (my grandma) and the rest of his brothers and sisters (my aunts and uncles) because of his marriage. (It's gotten so bad that my uncle and aunt have devised a schedule to visit my grandma to avoid seeing my dad.) It goes without saying that my mom is not too happy about my dad's remarriage, and the fact that this lady is like 20 years younger doesn't help the situation. There is no easing of tensions in the near future, so I have to deal with as it is.

My dilemma is two fold: should I invite my dad's wife (and her kids) to my wedding? Also, should I have him walk me down the aisle?

I know that if I do not have my dad walk me down the aisle, it'll dissapoint him (i'm his only daughter) but I do not want to offend my mom. I thought maybe of having my brother walk me as a compromise...?  I am more inclined to do it for my mom because she's the one who has been there for me my entire life, but at the same time I do not want to start a war on my wedding day (my dad gets offended wayyyyy too easily).

Any suggestions will help!!!!! THANKS!

adamar15

Yes, you have to invite your dad's WIFE.  Jesus. 

I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle, because I've always been closer with my mom but wanted to include my dad, too.  You could also walk down alone.

mica178

Ditto Edie and Adamar.  You could also walk down the aisle with your FI as another option.

aragx6

A. If you invite yoru father you must invite his wife. They are a social unit and can not be separated. Because the step siblings are still children I don't see a way of not inviting them either -- unless you're not having any kids.

B. Seems as though your whole family is being wildly judgy of your father's new marriage. And the age of his wife has no bearing on anything.

C. You should have whomever you want walk you down the aisle. Your mom should completely understand if that is your dad, but you also shouldn't be afraid to think of alternatives that make sense. your brother would be a good one, but I'd also urge you to consider having your mom walk you down. She is, afterall, the one who primarily raised you. I'm sure she'd be honored.

bvanosten

I think you need to invite his wife but I think if you want to have your mom walk you down the aisle, then you should ask her.  Just let him know prior to the invites going out that she will be doing it.  Maybe he'll decide not to come because he's so mad and then you don't have to worry about any drama on your wedding day between him and the rest of your family.  As your mom was there for the hard times growing up and took care of you and raised you, I think she deserves the honor.  He can't just cherry-pick the good events to be around for when your mom has done the hard work.

fmbs

I agree with some of the other posts,  I think you do need to invite his wife, if you aren't having children at the reception then that's fine not to have them.  As for walking you down the aisle, you should have whoever YOU want and regardless of who that is, all of your family should support it.  You're family should be able to get over themselves since its your special day.  I know thats a lot easier said than done, my FI's mother for example, wants his biological father excluded from the groom's family table at our reception.  Fun fun, best of luck to you, just try to remember that your job as bride is not to please everyone else, even though it may feel that way sometimes.

redheadfsu

1. Since you are asking whether your dad should walk down the aisle with you, I'm assuming he is a must invite to the wedding; therefore, his wife and kids are a must invite too (as long as other kids are invited to the wedding too).

2. Ask whomever you want to walk you down the aisle. I would hope your parents could understand whomever you choose. Just have a calm sit down talk with each of them privately about it.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c1a7c93b-ae08-4e80-af30-ce83c2c81b7aPost:6816d78d-226f-4a0d-9435-272f882a45db">Re: sticky situation with divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Yes, you have to invite your dad's WIFE.</strong>  Jesus.  I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle, because I've always been closer with my mom but wanted to include my dad, too.  You could also walk down alone.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly.  How would that not offend your easily offended father?  Really? 

Yes, you must invite his wife.  You should also invite the kids if there are other kids invited.  It sounds like your family needs to put their grown up pants on and realize that your father is a grown man and can marry whomever he wants to marry and let him be.  your mother and him have also been divorced for 20 years.  She doesn't get a say in the woman he marries.  She needs to accept it and move on.  It has nothing to do with her.

As for the aisle, you have lots of options, but walk with the person who you feel closest to.  You could walk with both of your parents if you want, or alone, or with your brother.  If alone is going to hurt the least amount of feelings, I might choose that option.  You're a grown woman, not a dog.  You don't have to be walked. 

Simply Fated

If you invite your stepmom, you offend your mom. If you don't invite your stepmom, you offend your dad. If you mom is still offended after 20 years, then something else is going on. Is she still in love with him? Either way, it's been 20 years. By coddling her, you're not helping her to move on. Same goes for walking down the aisle. You're so hung up on not offending your mother, but what about your dad who hardly ever got to see you?

tpender13

Yes, you need to invite his wife and stepchildren.

You've got plenty of time to decide, but if your relationship is still strained when your wedding is closer, I think asking your brother to walk you down the aisle is a nice idea. My SIL has a strained relationship w/my FIL, so H walked her down the aisle -- he was more of a dad to her than their dad ever was.

maribeth721

You cannot just not invite someones spouse - regardless of who it is. Your Mom really still has an issue with this after 20 years? And as far as your Dad's family goes - wouldn't they expect your father to be at your wedding? They need to deal with that. If they can't bring themselves to be at your wedding because your father is there - they have bigger problems. You have a lot of time to decide whether or not you would like him to walk you down the aisle. If you have a close relationship, I don't see a problem with it if you feel right about it. It is abolutely no one elses decision whether or not that gets to happen.

schmella

You have to invite your father's wife, there is no wiggle room on that.

If you don't invite the kids, you put them in a really uncomfortable position:  do they a) leave the kids at home while they are in another country or b) bring the kids and leave them in a hotel in a foreign country with someone the kids don't know at all.  The kids are young enough that many parents would not consider either option acceptable

My parents are divorced, and its still uncomfortable.  I considered asking my uncle or my cousin to walk me down the aisle, but thought even that might upset my dad, so I walked alone and it was perfect.  I'm pretty independent, so I don't think it surprised anyone. 

artbyallie

Everyone else has already given the correct response, so I just wanted to add this. Your dad did not need permission from you or any other family member to remarry. Marriage is a choice made by the two people entering into it and no one else has the right to stop them making that choice. So get down off your high horse and invite your dad, his wife, and stepkids (if you're inviting kids) or don't invite any of them. Those are your options.

MrsMack10612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_sticky-situation-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c1a7c93b-ae08-4e80-af30-ce83c2c81b7aPost:ce891f61-c285-43e2-85e7-e26e6a923a37">Re: sticky situation with divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]If you invite your stepmom, you offend your mom. If you don't invite your stepmom, you offend your dad. <strong>If you mom is still offended after 20 years, then something else is going on. Is she still in love with him? Either way, it's been 20 years. By coddling her, you're not helping her to move on.</strong> Same goes for walking down the aisle. You're so hung up on not offending your mother, but what about your dad who hardly ever got to see you?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This exactly.  I didn't read all the other responses, but this was the first thing that popped into my mind.

My parents have been divorced for 25 years; though I am considerate of my mom's feelings because of the way things went down; she also is a grown up and understands that this is how it's gonig to go down at my wedding.

After this many years it's a) none of your mother's business who your father marries and  b) time she grew the eff up and got over it, it's been 20 YEARS

anaalicia123

thank you guys for your opinions.

the situation is not that my mom is jealous of my dad's wife or that people are mad bc my dad remarried, it goes way deeper than that into things that I am not going to go in to here. As you are all aware, families are complex things. There is bad blood between my parents, my family and my dad, and it's not about "growing the eff up" like some of you said.

I guess I'll figure this out as the time comes closer and speak honestly with my mom and dad.

Thank you all again for your input.

Habs2Hart

Look, there's a LOT of bad blood in my H's family.  And by a lot, I mean ridiculously large amounts of.  They behaved just fine at the wedding.  Nobody had to talk to people they didn't want to talk to, they all were civil and had a great time.  His parents even managed to sit with their SO's beside each other in the same row and nobody died or caused a scene.

Expect them to act like adults and trust them to.  You can't do anything other than that. 

rebarobert2012

Yes, of course you need to invite your dad's wife.  They are a social unit, and it would be incredibly rude not to invite her.  I can't imagine that your dad would be okay with you not inviting her either.