A FMIL Rant - Brutal Honesty Needed

christhj

I don't know how people do it - there are thousands of ladies on these boards and to those of you who have a FMIL that is fantastic - let me say I am VERY envious!

Over 11 months of planning there has been a great deal of drama with my future husbands mother - but it all capped of this past week.  She has done everything this week from try to add guests to the list two weeks before the wedding to
scream and cuss at my bridal shower because FI didn't want to do a mother / son dance.
 Last night she tried to go around us and called the DJ to make sure the dance was included!

I feel as if something needs to be said before the wedding so that the day is not tainted with un needed drama - problem is what do I say?

At heart she is a decent person, she just doesn't get the etiquette that surrounds a wedding - why you can't just pick which aunts & uncles you want to invite and what ones you don't etc.

Is there anyway to say it?  My FI understands my position and supports me but his frustration lies in the fact that I just can't get along with his mother. 

She likes me know and tries to make me her daughter (separate rant - I have a MOM!) but if I say it wrong there will be that tension for the rest of our marriage.

And please - if this is not as bad as it is in my head tell me to suck it up!  I can take it.

tlv204

Why is she mad at YOU for not having a mother-son dance? Wasn't that your FI's decision? 

Stackeye210

If your FI doesn't want a son/mom dance, I think he should explain it to her.  It has absolutely nothing to do with you and shouldn't reflect poorly on you either.  That's your FI decision.  You weren't in the background thinking of ways to make her mad and decided to omit it. 

hayleymajayley

Is she paying for anything? Seems that's always a huge factor in how to deal with it. If not? She has no right to do anything she's doing. Even if she IS paying for it it is WAY too late to be adding guests, and going behind your back and calling the DJ is just RUDE, especially to her SON who probably has a reason he doesn't want to do a mother/son dance. Cussing out people at your bridal shower? She sounds like a loony.

ohwhynot

Brutally honest?  Just try and let it go.  Tensions are running very high because the wedding is so close, but I strongly suspect that, at the wedding itself, everything will be okay.  1., because she'll be having fun at the wedding, talking with relatives & friends, etc., and 2., because YOU will be.

Even if she shows her asss at the wedding (which is unlikely), SHE will look like the idiot, not you. 

sarah0725

Her son should be the one running interference with her and talking to her about wedding stuff. It's true that you have to worry about your relationship with her, and if she thinks of you somehow as the bad guy, that's a problem. With our wedding, if we're not into one of FMIL's ideas, FI is the one who talks it out with her.

laurenclaire1386

Weddings make people crazy. Nod and smile as much as possible in the next two weeks and enjoy your wedding.

cengle

She does sound a bit loony, and adding guests 2 weeks before the wedding is very rude.
However, more than likely the craziness will pass once the wedding is over. My MIL is great, and I have a good relationship with her. But she drove me absolutely batty right before the wedding. Weddings make people insane. So I would just try to deal with it as best as you can (without committing any major faux pas) until after the wedding, and everything returns to normal.
I know, easier said than done

ohwhynot

Also, though?  To refuse a mother/son dance when it would really mean something to your mom (who you say is basically a decent person who loves your future wife) is kind of mean-spirited.  Can't he budge on this, if it would really mean that much to her? 

christhj

So true!
And ironically the only thing she is paying for it the DJ!  My parents and us are footing the rest of the bill.
He is planning on dancing the first dance with her - he just doesn't want to be singled out even if it just is for 3 or 4 minutes.

Looks like I am having a conversation with FI tonight!

At least if she is a looney I don't look like the crazy bride!

JennD88

Wait-- the first dance at your reception is between the groom and his mother? Or am I misunderstanding?

banana468

Your FI needs to talk to his mother about what is and isn't up for negotiation.

And frankly, i she did cause a scene at your shower, he should say, "Mom, you know I love you but I can't support you when you're talking to the woman who will be my wife like that."

Start working asap on a 'how to deal with MIL plan'.   It will most likely evolve.

Trust me - I speak from experience.  :-/

MeaghanandMichael

Oooooh yours sounds just like mine! Except instead of cussing about a mother-son danced she announced she was getting married to the room full of people. Was she? Nope. Blatant lie. Crazzzzzy.

ngardner

I completely understand your situation I have a FMonsterIL! The best way I get around it is be honest with her. If she's overstepping her boundaries pair together with your man and politely explain the situation. If your FI is a momma's boy like mine it might take a little pushing to get him to stand up to her, but she'll never respect you if you can't show her that the two of you are bonded by more than just a single day. I'd consider discussing the situation with a confidant so that they can take care of the situation should it arise on your wedding day. That confidant may need to be your FI.

thesuninherhead

I second Jenn's question; are you saying the first dance is going to be him and his mother rather than the two of you?

vitamint

breathe, then talk to FI.  I have to come down on her side over mother son dance.  She is wrong to be mad at you but your FI should do the dance.  Weddings are about you and your FI, but they are also for the family and it would disrepsectful to not do a mother son dance and announce it- what's the big deal? its like 3 minutes... which could affect your relationship with her for a lifetime!

csspencer

My FMIL is just as crazy...she's mad because I don't want a super traditional wedding like her daughter, when I mentioned i was having blue flowers, she said well when my daughter got married she had white roses, you should have white roses. Our champagne flutes are blue (I'm slightly obsessed with blue), and she nearly had a fit, and  when I said we wanted a sweatheart table, she started screaming about how people will talk (about what, I'm not sure). We wanted a day wedding, and she started saying how her grandson takes a nap during the day, until I gave her a "you have got to be kidding look". To top it all off, we decided we on;y want 150 ppl, and she gave us a list of 180!
I finally decided she will see everything the day of the wedding, and if she wants to throw a tantrum, she will be the one to look like a fool.
Just realized I made this post entirely about me...guess I just needed a place to vent.
Anyway, just let her throw fits and complain, in the end, she will be the one to look bad, and she will probably come to regret it. As everyone above me said, weddings make people crazy.

Marina007

I'm assuming she meant that the first dance AFTER the "first dance of the bride and groom" is when her FI will dance with his mother.  I agree that perhaps caving on the mother-son dance could be worth it.  It's 3 minutes of the reception, and it sounds like it really means a lot to your FMIL.  Having the dance could prevent snide comments in the future.

Otherwise, good luck - there always tends to be a handful of issues with FILs.

dragondust16

Honey I feel your pain.  I have problems like that, but it is with my own family.  I will be getting married on May 15th and to this date my parents haven't done anything to help with or pay for anything, but boy do they have opinions about what I should or shouldn't be doing.  It is an endless drama special.  Makes me crazy!  My best advice is to listen to the ideas and nod and smile no matter how insane the suggestions.  Then the day of the wedding just have it the way you want it.  It is your day and it should fit your style not the style of the over powering mother in law.  Enjoy the day don't let anyone suck the life right out of it.  And when all else fails put your foot down and say how it is going to be.   You will feel much better and you'll make it clear that you aren't going to be run over on your wedding day.

cantabile730

I would say that the mother/son dance discussion should be handled by the son, not the daughter-in-law, but regardless, it's only a few minutes of the whole day.   In the end, if you let this one thing go, you will have no regrets. If (God forbid!) anything should happen to your future mother-in-law, you might always feel guilty about denying her a mother/son dance. Her son is only getting married once, so giving her a few minutes of time with him out of the whole day may not be worth the battle (especially if you've clashed over other, more important things already). Crazy or not, she's the only mother he'll ever have. In the same way that you've probably been envisioning your wedding your whole life, she's been envisioning his since he was born, and you can be sure dancing with him was part of that dream. In 20 years, you probably won't even remember who told the DJ what. Plus your guests won't be wondering why you cut that tradition out. 

lharri12

Let me begin by saying that in addition to being a bride-to-be, I'm also a psychiatrist  I think that with regards to wedding etiquette, if your FMIL is paying for the wedding, she should have a say in the guest list, the mother/son dance, etc. However, regardless of whether she is shelling out the cash, the way she is behaving is completely inappropriate. At your bridal shower, she only made herself look like a raging fool. If it were YOUR mother behaving this way, then you should sit down and have a talk with her, but because it is your FI's mother, he should have the talk. You certainly do not want to start your marriage by having a confrontation with your MIL. I think a calm discussion is necessary, and rather than initiating it in the midst of an arguement, your FI should start the discussion when everyone is relatively calm and emotions are NOT running high. Keep in mind that she seems to really care about you, and with two weeks until the wedding, she is clearly stressing about it (unless she acts this way all the time, in which case I offer my sincere condolences). Hope this helps.

cellarius

well i agree with iharri.. he is the one who should talk to her first since he is her son. i have a ''moma's boy'' too lol so he can need a little push but he should tell her she needs to stop this behavior & the reasons why he doesn't want a mother son dance or at least that it has nothing to do with you. it really isn't that uncommon. we're not having one either for partly the same reasons. i don't think he should be pushed into having one just because or just to please her if he doesn't want it. i'm not doing a father/daughter dance either. it's just personal preferance. i'm sure we'll dance with them sometimes but like you said a whole 4 minutes alone with 150 watching?.. um weird. no thanks lol  

if he says something & she doesn't respond then i do think you should say something. i would. adding more ppl, & esp calling the dj herself to secretly add it in would really annoy me [& if you hadn't caught it could've really embarrassed your FI on your wedding day]. i would be polite but have no problem saying that it's inappropriate. gl!

melvega

OMG! What's up with her? It's YOUR wedding, and she MUST underdstand it.
I think your FI should talk to her and explain all his reason about why he doesn't want to have a mother/son dance,  so you don't ruin you relationship (or what is left) with her. I mean, your communication bridge should be your FI. Maybe she will be mad at him, but come on, he's her son, at some point she will have to talk to him again, but it won't be the same if you have that conversation with her.

eloved

Brutal honesty- Your FI needs to step up to the plate with issues that arise with her.  First of all, parents are far more receptive to their own children's ideas, feelings, etc than a daughter/son IL's, period.  Even though she is expressing these issues to you, it is his responsibilty, you have done more than your fair share of dealing with wedding/MIL issues I'm sure.  My FI and I have been/ still are dealing with these issues and the wedding is still over a year away and the problems haven't ceased, it is just easier for me (and you in this case) if he is diffusing things and you aren't feeling alone in this. 

juliepellegrin

I think that both of you should sit down and talk with her.  I would definitely bring up the point that there is a real possibly that he doesn't want to have the mother/son dance because of the way she has been acting.  I would also bring up the fact that it is you and her son's day...hopefully you only get one and that she needs to calm down and let the two of you enjoy it.  This is the wedding of you and her son not you and her period.  Maybe even talk to some of her close relatives and have her on watch.  Just like you would put an alocholic or a prankster on your gues list on watch if they see anything getting out of hand on your big day have them take her out the hall and calm her down before she can return.

christhj

Thank you Thank you!

FI is taking his Mom out for lunch this weekend to have a little chat!

I didn't want to be one of these her or me girls but in the end of it all he had some of the same options about her! Go figure - you ladies are right - when she is that bad other people notice.

And yes, its the first dance after our first dance and my father/daughter - guess that was a bad way to phrase that but I was in a rant

amp3h

I think it's wonderful that your FI is going to talk to his mother alone. She is more likely to listen to him alone, whereas if you both try to talk to her, she may get really defensive. I believe it is very rude for her to try to add to the guest list this late in the game, but your FI should give in on her wanting an announced mother-son dance. I get that he may be embarrassed. I will be the most embarrassed person dancing at my wedding. I don't think I have any rhythm And I wouldn't worry about her trying to give you motherly love. She obviously loves you like a daughter. That's a good thing.

JenandMikeDow

Take it from me, my future mother-in-law passed away in November, let it go.  I cannot tell you the guilt I feel for getting upset with her attempts to 'help' with the wedding without being asked.  Try and be gentle with her and let her know you understand she only has the best intentions and explain your vision for the wedding.  If it fails, think of what it would be like if you couldn't have her there. Overall the most important thing is that you are starting a brand new journey with your man; the wedding is just icing on the cake! Best of luck on your big day!

Mique23

This really stinks you have to deal with this. Obviously she feels like your the evil influence at the moment. I would strongly influence my fi to have this mother son dance since it means soo much to her maybe since he was a baby she has envisioned this moment. who knows? For some reason its super important! I would ask him to do this dance and tell his mother you were the one who made him want to do it. The guest list is crazy just explain its not possible because you already gave catering numbers.