Sticky E issue for the newly engaged

lennonkdc

Hey ladies, I'm a reg over on NEY and I've posted here a time or two, but now that I'm engaged I feel like I'l be around a bit more.

In my time spent lurking I have learned many many E related things that I know will help me as I go forward in planning our wedding. How ever I have one issue that is causing me some confusion.

Fi and I have been dating 9 years, and are now in our early 30's. We have always expected that we would foot the bill for our own wedding. However, at various points in our relationship, his mom and dad- eager to see us wed- have offered to pay for various aspects of the wedding. His mom has mentioned many times that she wants to buy my dress.  But I know that my FIL's worry about stepping on my parents toes...

My parents, on the other hand are the type of people who promise the moon, b/c they truly want to help, but never follow through. They have offered to pay for "whatever they can afford to help with".  My dad is unemployed and my mom is semi retired, so I don't want to impose on them b/c $$ is tight and the fact that they can be unreliable. But, I know that its very important to them to be seen as having paid for the wedding (They used to have champagne taste on a champagne budget, now its more of a beer budget.)

So I guess my 3 questions are: Is it ok for my FI to talk to his parents to see if the offer to help is still 'on the table' ? (or is this too close to asking for $$, I really don't want to be rude) Is it ok If I sit down with my parents and ask them how or in what ways they see them selves helping (Money, DIY projects, etc)? If both sets of parents want to help, how do I address the fact that my parents pride will be hurt since they can't pay for  all of their daughter's wedding? 

Sorry this is so long, I just want to handle this correctly and make E proud.  TIA!!!

TheBaney

If your FI's parents have already offered to contribute financially, I think that it's acceptable to see if they're still willing to do so.

Where your parents are concerned, I think it'd be best to see if they offer again, now that it's official, and accept gratefully, but don't depend on the money.

OliveOilsMom

Do not ask for anything from either of your parents.  If they offer again now that you are engaged, you can then discuss how they want to assist.  But overall, plan your wedding as if they are not contributing anything.  And if at anytime, money if given to you - you can then upgrade something, like flowers or food.

Your parents can still host the wedding without contributing any money.  You can compose a traditional invitation with your parents inviting everyone to their daughter's wedding.  But if FILs contribute in anyway, you may want to then choose the wording "Together with their families".

lyndausvi

I believe if they have offered in the past it's not rude to inquire now.  I would tread lightly though.  Maybe start talking about the wedding and see where the conversation goes.

As far as your parents,  I feel the dress can be really important to a lot of parents and their daughters.   I would have a tough time taking money from my ILs for my dress when my parents can't afford much.  IDK, I would feel like that particular items might be a 'slap in the face' more than the in-laws contributing to something like food, bar or flowers.  

If your FIL do want to contribute I would steer them towards something with the reception and not your dress.

crash2729

How long has it been since FI's parents made the offers? 

If it's been more than a month or two, I would probably just wait and see if they offer again rather than asking them. 

I would also wait and see if your parents offer again. 

MyUserName1

I don't think it is at all inappropriate, since they have OFFERED to sit down with them and say "Since you have thoughtfully offered to help us out with the wedding, we wanted to get on the same page as to what you had in mind"  and I'd be prepared with my budget, pictures of the DIY things I wanted to do, etc. 

Loopyseven

I would plan the wedding you and your FI can afford to pay for, and if anyone else offers to help again (and actually writes you a check, or picks up the tab), I'd upgrade something else with the money you already planned to spend.  

As for "hosting" on the invititation - paying =/= hosting necessarly so if it's important to your parents, and you don't care, go ahead and word the invitation with them hosting.  If your FIL's contribute or will be upset you can add "son of" to the invitation as well, or use "together with their families".

lennonkdc

Thanks ladies- They last time his parents offered to help was a week before we got engaged. My parents offer to help came after the engagement. I know my mom really wants to pay for the dress, so I think that I'll have a chat with my parents about how they see themselves helping. I'll let him talk to his parents, after I've talked to mine. 

FWIW FI and I have always planned on having enough $$ to pay without help from either side, but don't want hurt feelings by turning down help. 

Loopyseven

If their offers to help were that recent, (and one, after the engagement), then yes, I'd say you can definitely sit down and clarify with them exactly what they had in mind with their offers.  I would have some ideas of what you want to do/have them help with before you sit down with them though so if they suggest something you don't like you have an alternative or other option available to suggest as an alternate.

strlzfan11

Ditto, Loopy, but I would also suggest that you don't mention what the other set of parents have offered to give so that there's less chance of feelings getting hurt.  You can say that they're contributing (if that is the case), but don't go into specifics about what the contribution entails.

That being said, I would mention to your mom that FMIL has offered to pay for your dress (if that offer still stands- clarify that first).  That's one area where some MOBs don't want some else intruding upon.

cbvcru67

I think it is different with each set of parents, but if your parents are wanting to be involved, can you also suggest ways for them to be included, so they feel as though they are partially responsible?  Maybe once you have settled on a venue, ask for their opinions on meals to serve or what appetizers they and their friends would prefer?  You could also ask for their help in addressing or stuffing envelopes or help getting a church or ceremony venue selected.

Some people would say that assigning jobs are rude, and that I agree with.  But if your parents are looking for ways to contribute and  you know they aren't in a place to contribute much financially, I feel like it would be kind to suggest a few different items they can weigh in on without a pricetag attached and allow them to choose which they would like to help with.  We did something similar with my parents and they really liked feeling like they were part of the "core" of wedding planning without having to shell out a bunch of money  (Fi and I are in our 30s as well and had planned to pay for the whole thing - each set contributed a bit, but we are still doing 85% on our own.)

Also, we issued the invitation from both sets of parents   -
Mr. and Mrs. Smithson and
Mr. and Mrs. Jones
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their children
CVB
and
JW
et ect

j-harvey

The issue to be careful about is whether yourFILs made off handed comments or whether they anaylzed their financial situation and made a careful decision. I would raise the conversatiom about planning and you and fi are thinking about the budget you two are comfortable with. I wouldn't directly ask if their offer to help still stands. Also be aware that with money comes strings.

RebeccaB88

I am also of the opinion that if they made an honest offer to help (not an offhand comment), then you can politely inquire if that offer is still on the table, and if so, how they would like to help.  It puts the ball in their court as to saying what they are comfortable doing, whether it's giving you a set amount of money to spend as you please, or pay for specific things, etc.  I still wouldn't say 'we need you to give us X amount by this date', but sharing with them a rough idea of your plans and how much you were thinking about budgeting might help them decide how they want to contribute.  And, you can decide if you want your budget to remain the same and include their contribution towards it, or add onto yours to increase your budget.

melb2013

In Response to Re: Sticky E issue for the newly engaged:
[QUOTE]I believe if they have offered in the past it's not rude to inquire now.  I would tread lightly though.  Maybe start talking about the wedding and see where the conversation goes. As far as your parents,  I feel the dress can be really important to a lot of parents and their daughters.   I would have a tough time taking money from my ILs for my dress when my parents can't afford much.  IDK, I would feel like that particular items might be a 'slap in the face' more than the in-laws contributing to something like food, bar or flowers.   If your FIL do want to contribute I would steer them towards something with the reception and not your dress.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This.  FI's parents had offered to help with the wedding before we got engaged.  We casually brought up that we were starting to think about the wedding and the budget.  Then they made their offer.  My parents, on the other hand, came to us with an offer before we could say anything about the wedding.

lauraanne9

I am also getting married in my 30's and had people offer to pay for different parts of the wedding when we got engaged.  What I did, and seems to be working, is I am communicating with people on the decisions we have made and my parents, mainly, are stepping in to make changes they want.  In a good way.

For example, we decided we wanted to get married in a church.  My mom is so thrilled we are having a church wedding, she said she was going to pay for the church.  I said thanks and she wrote a check.  I told her we had decided we wanted a photographer for just the ceremony, she said she wanted more photos and said if it was ok with us, she would pay the photographer so she could have the photos she wants.  I said this was ok, and we are having a photographer my mom is paying for.  We went dress shopping.  My mom spent WAY more than my dress budget, because she wanted me to have my dream dress.  I said thank you.

So, basically we are planning the wedding we want within the budget we feel we can handle and if people want more, they are stepping up and offering to pay.  It is working so far without any "so what are you paying for anyway" conversations.

This is also making it feel like it is still our wedding.  We were planning to get married, so mom paying for the church allowed us other money in other places.  We were having a photographer, now we are having a photographer for longer.  I was planning on a much simpler dress than the one I actually ended up with.  So it is still our wedding and the additional help is alowing us to "upgrade"