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What to do?

Unfortunately, a situation has happened at my church that makes me unsure of the proper way to handle an invitation.

One of the leaders on staff at my church just came out to the members as being an addict and having an affair. His wife of 11 years and two small children live in the parsonage near the church as part of his pay. Now that he is no longer on staff, my church has continued to allow the wife to live there since none of this was her fault and she is a stay at home mom. The leader has gone to a rehab center and will be there for at least 10 months.

I have no idea how long the church will continue to let the wife and kids live there. She is very embarrassed and I have not seen her in church in the last 2 months. I don't blame her and we have tried to do everything we can to help her through this trying time.

Having said that, I have already sent out save the dates to herself and husband in August. Obviously, I will no longer be inviting the husband, but do I invite his wife? It's a wedding 8 hours from home and I highly highly doubt she would come, but what should I do? I don't want her to feel obligated to buy a gift. Of course I am not expecting gifts, but nearly everyone who receives an invitation usually sends a gift. She is in a really bad spot financially. I also don't want her to feel uncomfortable and I don't want her to think we don't want her there if I don't send an invite. I don't think she will be returning to the church. Should I still send an invite?
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Re: What to do?

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    I would send the invitation and let her decide what to do.
    If I were in her place, I'd feel much worse if I werent' invited than.
    I mean, with everything going on and being embarrassed, the last thing she probably wants is to not be invited after being sent an STD.
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    Alcoholism and addiction are rampant in my family.  I would send her the invitation.  As with anyone else, it isn't a summons, but it will make her feel welcome and thought about.

    10 months is a really long time at rehab!  My brother was fortunate enough to attend a 30 day rehab.  Do you mind if I ask if this is church sponsored?  I am just curious and it is truly none of my business.

    I can't imagine her embarrassment and shame about all of this.  Invite her and let her make the decision whether or not to come.  Many people are probably at a loss on how to deal with her situation and stay away.  It might be a welcome inclusion.
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    I forgot to say how kind it is of you to think of her.  When my brother was in the throws of everything I know my SIL appreciated "normal time" and "normal interaction" with others but it was awkward for so many of their friends.  I hope you have a wonderful day.
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    I would definitely invite her.  I'm sure this whole situation has put her in an awkward place with the congregation and everyone knowing what happened to her.  It would be nice to include her, not just because she got a save the date, but just knowing that she's included, welcomed, and not judge for her husband's actions.  I wouldn't worry about the gift side of things.  
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    I would invite her, but I think if you do you have to invite him too.  They're still married yes? Then they are a social unit and are invited together.  

    Also, just for future reference, many members of the LGBT community find the use of "coming out" to mean "he told us a terrible secret" to be highly offensive.  "Coming out" is their term, and revealing that you are gay isn't sharing a shameful secret.  
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    I would definitely invite her. Just because she may not be able to make it doesn't mean she won't appreciate the invitation. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    edited January 2013
    Kmmssg, thank you. That's very nice of you. Yes, it is a Christian rehab called Teen Challenge. My dad went through it in the 70's and it completely changed his life. Cajita, thank you. I appreciate the advice. He will be in rehab. Would you invite someone who is in jail? I feel it is the same thing.
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    I am familiar with Teen Challenge - what a wonderful organization.  I truly hope this man receives the help he needs and is restored to health and possibly hope for their marriage.  Glad to hear he is so fortunate.
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     I would send an invite to her house that says to "The X Family." You have to invite her if you sent an STD and even if her husband is in rehab and they may be divorcing, you still need to invite him. I'd say family because she can interpret that as for her, husband, and kids or just her and kids. 
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    I hope he gets help too. This is the last couple I would have thought something like this could have happened to. He was the college and career pastor and I really looked up to him as a leader. I feel betrayed and I can't imagine what she must be going through. Smallen, It's a no kids wedding so I couldn't put family on it. I appreciate the advice. I will send her an invitation, but I'm still not inviting him.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c44a36de-6d09-4bfe-943c-cba2ffd8d491Post:c85b604d-4fe3-43b0-a5c8-f97fcc89becb">Re:What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Kmmssg, thank you. That's very nice of you. Yes, it is a Christian rehab called Teen Challenge. My dad went through it in the 70's and it completely changed his life. Cajita, thank you. I appreciate the advice. He will be in rehab. Would you invite someone who is in jail? I feel it is the same thing.
    Posted by Sharpschruter22[/QUOTE]

    I'm so happy her husband is in such a wonderful program. My brother went into the program in Jan. of 2011 and completed it in Dec. of that same year. I really hope he recovers quickly.

    Oh and I don't necessarily think it's the same thing as jail because they're allowed visits and go out everyday to raise money or work as volunteers at different locations. The induction part can maybe somewhat be translated to inprisonment because they only have contact with loved ones once a month, but during the recovery stage, they're allowed visits every Sunday after service.

    To answer your question though; I would send her an invitation but I wouldn't invite her husband.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-to-do-17?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c44a36de-6d09-4bfe-943c-cba2ffd8d491Post:14990801-d059-4ddc-8d48-4819c8599730">Re: What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would invite her, but I think if you do you have to invite him too.  They're still married yes? Then they are a social unit and are invited together.   Also, just for future reference, many members of the LGBT community find the use of "coming out" to mean "he told us a terrible secret" to be highly offensive.  "Coming out" is their term, and revealing that you are gay isn't sharing a shameful secret.  
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

    Since when is admitting to being an addict "terrible and shameful?"
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    edited January 2013
    In Response to Re:What to do?:In Response to Re:What to do?:Kmmssg, thank you. That's very nice of you. Yes, it is a Christian rehab called Teen Challenge. My dad went through it in the 70's and it completely changed his life. Cajita, thank you. I appreciate the advice. He will be in rehab. Would you invite someone who is in jail? I feel it is the same thing.Posted by Sharpschruter22I'm so happy her husband is in such a wonderful program. My brother went into the program in Jan. of 2011 and completed it in Dec. of that same year. I really hope he recovers quickly.Oh and I don't necessarily think it's the same thing as jail because they're allowed visits and go out everyday to raise money or work as volunteers at different locations. The induction part can maybe somewhat be translated to inprisonment because they only have contact with loved ones once a month, but during the recovery stage, they're allowed visits every Sunday after service. To answer your question though; I would send her an invitation but I wouldn't invite her husband. Posted by mcda04 Yes, it's a wonderful program! I wouldnt exist if not for it. Not only did my Dad complete the program, but he also worked as a staff member at one throughout my childhood. I lived on the "center" property and know the in's and out's of the program. What I mean as far as being like prison, is that he can't be "checked out" to go anywhere. He is in the program until he completes it. He wouldn't be able to come.
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    That makes it pretty easy then!  Send her an invitation - I'm sure she will welcome the sentiment even if she doesn't make it.
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    Thank you for all of your advice ladies! I feel much better about this now. I forgot to ask though, if she never comes back to the church I will never see her again. If that's the case there is no way she would come. It wouldn't be awkward in this situation?
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    I'm sorry, I should have been clear. Addiction not shameful. Adultery yeah, I'm comfortable calling that shameful.
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