Interracial/Cultural Wedding Question – Help!

amtutak31

My fiancé and I are having an Indian/American fused wedding ceremony and reception.  My fiancé is very close with all of his extended family, as he tells me is custom for Indian families. I, on the other hand, am not close at all with my extended family. He wants to invite all of his out-of-town family members, close to 30, to the rehearsal dinner. My dinner guest list totals 4, for my immediate family. The conflict is that I feel like the rehearsal dinner then just turns into a family reunion for his side of the family, and that my 4 family members will feel incredibly out of place. We probably will not have a formal “rehearsal” of the ceremony.  There is no wedding party; we are not having bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc, so I question if there is really any need to have a “rehearsal” dinner. I had just envisioned a small dinner the night before with just our immediate family members, but he is saying that he feels obligated to invite all of his family since they have flown in, and that this is a big part of his Indian culture. Is there a middle ground, or do I just go along? 

 

midgetthemighty

Typically, the grooms family pays for the rehearsal dinner. If this is the case, they can invite whoever they want. Are there any of your extended family members you are close to? If there are some, you might be able to get away with inviting them to make you and your family feel less out of place. Or you can use it as an opportunity to get to know his family better without being distracted by your own extended family.

I would also post this on the interracial board under cultural wedding boards to see what they have to say.

Good luck

jessicabessica

Could you invite all out-of-town guests to the RD?  My parents also are of the sentiment that we need to host more than the reception only for our out-of-town guests, which I think is a different thing than wanting to have a big family dinner, although in your case there might be overlap.  I do think it's nice to host a little more, if you can afford it, for people who travel a long distance for your wedding. 

We are having everyone who's around (nearly all our guests are out-of-town) at our day-before BBQ, and we'll have a quiet dinner the night before the BBQ with just our parents, siblings, and grandparents. 

jsleik

That is a tough one!  We're doing the same kind of wedding and I can see where he feels he needs to do this.  I can also understand how overwhelming that can be for your family since the numbers are so lopsided. 

What if you did a smaller dinner and then opened things up to everyone?  Or what about making the dinner a little less fancy so people can mingle more during dinner and your family can get to know his family better.  You're going to be seeing his extended family a lot (my guess from my own experience), so you do want to make sure you aren't offending anyone.

Also, go to the South Asian board.  They are sooooooooo friendly and nice and helpful there.  They may have some other great ideas!

Ladycottington19

I think you are over thinking this whole thing. First- since the grooms family typically pays for it, they have the say who gets invited,
and second- maybe your family members would enjoy themselves. They have an opppurtunity to meet the grooms close family members before the wedding, and maybe everyone will have a great time together. It might be fun.

Queen Jane

Who is paying for the RD (No, it is not "typically" the groom's side)? If it is his family then you are probably going to have a very tough time pleading your case. If you or your family is paying, and it's something you are adamant about, maybe like PP said you could do the small intimate dinner and host cocktails and snacks or dessert afterwards.

But if it is very important to FI, I would just suck it up and enjoy the company of his family. They will be your family too, after all.

leia1979

If his relatives are flying in from far away (like India), I can totally understand why he wants to include them. Do you have other out of town guests on your side that you can include?

I know it's not what you wanted, but I think in this case, you should include all the OOT family.

mica178

I'd consider inviting OOT guests to the RD, if your FILs are okay with that.  

I'm sure that you're aware that the traditional Indian wedding lasts for several days, so it's expected that you have several days of celebration.  Also, his family has flown in halfway around the world -- they probably expect a bit of entertainment. Your FILs very well might anticipate hosting a large celebration during your RD and would welcome more than the 4 people you anticipated inviting.  If you don't want to invite a bunch of OOT guests and friends, your immediate family might love experiencing this very unique gathering. I'd talk it over with your FI and his parents.