Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??

MishTay1023

I will try to make this short and sweet. My ex-husband and I got engaged/married fairly young and went through some rough times which led to our seperation 3 years ago, Our divorce was just finalzed in April, but a month later we were back together and more in love than ever. We have decided to start fresh and have a new beginning....which means getting re-married (probably May 2013).

My main concern is etiquette. Although we were married young, we still had a decent-sized wedding. My main focus this time around will be our ceremony and vows, but I am so unsure about what to do for a reception. Our families were all at our first wedding, and while we have more friends/coworkers/people in our lives in general this time around, I can't help but feel that throwing another "big" wedding would be tacky. I know we could do something small but we are very family oriented with a large family and if we do something local we would probably be looking at no less than 100 people.

Any advice, input or suggestions will be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

J&K10910

To be honest, I have no idea what the etiquette is here, but I would do it privately if it were me.

NOLAbridealmost

I'd marry privately this time around. I'd side eye the heck out of an invitation to another big wedding for the same couple; we've already celebrated that relationship once, ya know?

MishTay1023

I forgot to add....if we did make an event of it, I would be sure to put on the invitation "No gifts please" or something to that effect to let people know we are not looking for more gifts 9 years later!

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:f8141af3-eaea-4f81-adb5-ed86712100c8">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]I forgot to add....if we did make an event of it,<strong> I would be sure to put on the invitation "No gifts please"</strong> or something to that effect to let people know we are not looking for more gifts 9 years later!
Posted by MishTay1023[/QUOTE]

Don't do this. Gifts are ALWAYS optional, and any mentioning of them (even in saying "None please) denotes an expectation.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:f8141af3-eaea-4f81-adb5-ed86712100c8">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]I forgot to add....if we did make an event of it, I would be sure to put on the invitation "No gifts please" or something to that effect to let people know we are not looking for more gifts 9 years later!
Posted by MishTay1023[/QUOTE]

Please don't do this.  It's agains etiquette to mention gifts on the invitation.

I would do a small/private ceremony.

J&K10910

Well, you CAN'T put "No gifts please" on the invitation.

So there's that.

I guess I don't understand what you're hoping to achieve by  making a spectacle.  You already celebrated this exact same marriage 9 years ago.  You will look like an attention whore.  I promise.

NOLAbridealmost

It's not even the gifts thing (and, trust me, I doubt anyone would give a gift for wedding number 2 to the same guy with or without mentioning it).  It's just that people have already taken time out of their lives to celebrate and honor that relationship; asking them to do it again just seems excessive.

NOLAbridealmost

Andplusalso, you were only divorced for, what, a month?  I could MAYBE see another big wedding if you were divorced for 10+ years, fell back in love, etc.   This just seems like too much.  Like if Kim K. and Kris Humphrey's wanted to do another big spectacle this soon.

nextrightthing

Do it privately and have a BBQ to celebrate.  No invitations, white dress, any of that. 

HandBanana

I agree with PP about doing a private ceremony.  If you do want to follow it up with something to celebrate, I would make that decision based on family reaction to getting remarried.  Maybe something small and low key.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:70f3a791-d40e-4b61-aed1-539e82edbb41">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with J&K and would do this privately.<strong> How did you family react when you told them you are going to remarry your ex?</strong>
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I am quite curious about this, as well. Honestly? I kind of side-eye big weddings beyond the first, but to the same guy? Yeah, I would probably attend if you were my sibling. Beyond that? No way.

JessAndTrav

If it were me, it would be a JOP thing.

MyNameIsNot

I don't think there is etiquette for this situation.  If it were me, I would feel like I was inviting drama and commentary based on my unorthodox situation.  If you'd been divorced for 20+ years, it might be a different story, but getting remarried a year after the divorce is not something I'd want to draw a lot of attention to.  

Personally, I would plan a private destination ceremony and honeymoon with just the two of us and maybe send out announcements.  To me, this wedding would be more about re-starting on the right foot between the two of us and less about starting a life together in the community.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:dd0c960d-5fa5-4499-96b6-613c676eb3c8">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]Very different circumstances, but my uncle re-married his ex-wife long ago. First time they were wed in a fairly typical eremony, in front of family and friends. They were married 12ish years, then separated, and divorced. 3 years later, they were married again. (and about 5 years after that, they were divorced... Again) in a courthouse ceremony, with only their children and parents present. Like others, I would suggest that you keep this re-marriage small, and private, not through a large reception. I'll be honest, I would especially side eye this whole thing due to the timing... <strong>Your divorced was only finalized in April, but now you are so in love again that you are re-marrying? Slow it down. Start fresh and have a new beginning if you want to as you say, but that means dating, and really getting to know your partner again. Starting fresh doesn't mean getting married.</strong>
Posted by mrs.jesse[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Exactly this. 

</div>

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:dd0c960d-5fa5-4499-96b6-613c676eb3c8">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]Very different circumstances, but my uncle re-married his ex-wife long ago. First time they were wed in a fairly typical eremony, in front of family and friends. They were married 12ish years, then separated, and divorced. 3 years later, they were married again. (and about 5 years after that, they were divorced... Again) in a courthouse ceremony, with only their children and parents present. Like others, I would suggest that you keep this re-marriage small, and private, not through a large reception. I'll be honest, I would especially side eye this whole thing due to the timing... <strong>Your divorced was only finalized in April, but now you are so in love again that you are re-marrying? Slow it down. Start fresh and have a new beginning if you want to as you say, but that means dating, and really getting to know your partner again. Starting fresh doesn't mean getting married.</strong>
Posted by mrs.jesse[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Exactly this. 

</div>

HockeyFan4

Is this how people upgrade their kitchens appliances?


Seriously, do it privately.

SparrowSong

I'd do a courthouse thing, or a destination wedding with just you two in a fun location.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would go someplace awesome, maybe with just parents and siblings, and wear a rocking evening gown and then have a really nice dinner.

MyUserName1

Why not take an awesome vacation somewhere beautiful and elope there?  That sounds much nicer than a big to-do and you no one will side eye that.

aleighk1

If this were me, I'd take our asses to Jamaica and elope. 

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:490f8efd-4e74-4439-8c30-3d404deac3dd">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this how people upgrade their kitchens appliances? Seriously, do it privately.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

<div>Oooh!  Brilliant!  I better get right on that.  Do you think if I started now we could be divorced in time to remarry on our anniversary in December?</div><div>
</div><div>OP, not to make light of your situation, but as others have pointed out a remarriage one year after your divorce was final - to the same man you divorced - is going to be awkward no matter what.  I would advise you to slow down - something led to you seeing a divorce through as recently as 3 months ago, and you need to take some time to be sure it's going to work the second time around.  If you deem that remarriage is the best option for you as a couple, then I'd suggest an elopement to someplace fabulous.  I'm thinking the Cook Islands.</div>

littleluckypenny

A bit eerie because...

My DH's cousin re-married his ex-wife whom he divorced a year prior.  They did a JOP/courthouse this time because EVERYONE would have side-eyed the heck out of a second wedding, including his parents (His dad actually said the "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" rule applies). 

Just have a private ceremony or elope.  Anything other than that will probably not be very well received.  So, no big wedding or reception.  Please.

Also OP, you got divorced the first time for a reason.  I hope you have seriously worked out those issues before marrying the same person and recreating the same issues.  Which, deciding to get married again just one month after finalizing your divorce, doesn't really sound like you have.

MishTay1023

Thanks for the advice...
I promise it's not for attention or drama or any of that.

Our families and loved ones are ecstatic that we're back together and starting over, so we thought they might want to share in witnessing our vows and then maybe dinner and drinks at a restaurant afterwards. Would that even be too much?

Summer2011Bride

I think if you invited parents/siblings to an intimate wedding and took them out for dinner, it would be OK. That's really the extent of what I would do though.

achiduck

Please don't turn it into a PPD. Just do it privately

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:fac2f9fd-fa7b-4bd6-bc7c-b291771a7255">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice... I promise it's not for attention or drama or any of that. Our families and loved ones are ecstatic that we're back together and starting over, so we thought they might want to share in witnessing our vows and then maybe dinner and drinks at a restaurant afterwards. Would that even be too much?
Posted by MishTay1023[/QUOTE]

<div>As long as you treat at dinner, and it isn't a giant wedding party, then I think that's perfectly okay.</div>

RebeccaB88

Either go down to the courthouse with your parents and siblings, then to dinner, or elope (Vegas?).  Anything else I would side-eye BIG time. 

I think there's a good reason why OP is ignoring requests to explain the quick turnaround and the reasons behind the original divorce.

shanliann

i would do a smaller ceremony and then a fancy or nice dinner afterwards. If there isn't a restaurant that would comfortably accomadate you, i'd look into small "meeting" type rooms at hotels. I work at a hotel and we can accomidate any group from 8-650. I've seen alot of weddings where there is just one large dinner table down the center of the room, everyone orders off a menu and the bride and groom pick up the tab. That way instead of being stuck in a public restaurant, you could have the room to yourself and then kinda "hang out and chat etc" after dinner...just my 2 cents!

MishTay1023

We had 2 stillborn babies...one was in August 2008 and the other was in December of 2008. After our first loss, we went through counseling, support groups, etc. and dealt with things properly and it brought us closer together After the second loss, we were so devastated to have to endure everything all over again that we didn't really deal with things and there was a breakdown in communication. We had that "been there, done that, we're fine" attitude when really we just didn't want to deal with reality and both became depressed. Between December of 2008 and June of 2009 our lack of communication, depression and other issues that go along with a major loss led to our seperation.

We stayed in contact throughout the duration of our separation. Although we parted ways, we still had a deep admiration, respect and love for one another but at that time I was just not ready to deal with our issues and re-live all of the pain and hurt again. He has spent the last 3 years trying to get me back while I was just not sure of myself as a wife anymore since I had not been able to fulfill my wifely duty and become a mother. Finally in January 2012, he filed for divorce. He knew it would either make me move on for good, or light a fire under my butt to try to work things out. Being stubborn, and against the advice of friends and family, we went through with the divorce.

Hindsight being 20/20 we should not have gone through with the divorce, but we did. It's done now and there's no going back...you can't annull a divorce. The only thing we can do now is make a fresh start and have a new beginning. It's not like we are doing this to save a marriage because there is no longer a marriage to save. We genuinely love one another and there is no one we would rather be with. After all we have been through, we have become stronger and wiser and we know exactly what we want. We have also started couple's counseling to work through any unresolved issues.

I hope this sheds a little light on the situation.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_re-marrying-ex-hubbyetiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c46d24ac-88fa-43d7-93a8-9b641f1caa06Post:c28a2e7b-3c03-4a8d-a65e-1ce22f4a8126">Re: Re-Marrying Ex-Hubby...Etiquette??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why not take an awesome vacation somewhere beautiful and elope there?  That sounds much nicer than a big to-do and you no one will side eye that.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This.  I would totally think you were being ridiculous if I got an invitation to your second wedding.

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