3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE

Puzzled Guest

We have a friend on her 3rd marriage who has recently registered for her wedding. What is the etiquette for a bride in this case? Should she register? Should she have a shower? What is she thinking?

This person is a well established professional who recently remodeled her kitchen on her newly purchased house for over 1million dollars. All aspects of this wedding are being treated as a first time bride would. The registry resembles that of a newlyweds, including appliances, kitchenware, bedding, curtains, etc. (the list goes on).

I refuse to buy off of the registry but still want to get a gift, even though I feel a handshake and good luck would be sufficient. What is your guys's opinion on this?

luckyme502

I think it's wrong.  Is it the grooms first wedding?  Really, she registered for her third wedding?  I would get her a card and a gift card.  How many of her weddings have you been too?  I mean I know it is a celebration of her marriage with her soon to be new husband, but how many times does one have to get someone a wedding present? 

ExpatPumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:d5062e59-cc83-4eda-aa60-f17d35185602">3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel a handshake and good luck would be sufficient.
Posted by Puzzled Guest[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way ;)

cukimerrydoll

It seems odd to me... so in this case, I would do my go-to "I don't know where they are registered" gift:
Gift cards to a restaurant and a movie theater.  Essentially a night out on you instead of them.

SimplyIndulgent

People don't have weddings for the gifts.  I think sometimes its possible to get distracted by the gifts, but that isn't why she is getting married.  People bring gifts to weddings to wish them well on their future and to help them ease into married life.  Honestly, if a registry means that gifts are expected, then it is rude in any wedding.  Registries more seem like things that are there for guests who chose to buy gifts, and since she is getting married (yes even for the third time) there will probably be people who want to bring her gifts.  So, a registry is convenient for them, and shouldn't be insulting for anyone.  But then of course, this is all in my opinion, and I've never had to buy three gifts for someone getting married, so I could be horribly wrong. 

AmoroAgain

Maybe you should get her a book on marriage.  For reals, yo.

jajph1974

When I was married in November it was my third and Tim's first. I didn't register. Not so much for etiquette reasons, but because registries in general just make me uncomfortable.

When people asked where I was registered and I told them that I wasn't, they would then ask me what I needed and my response was always "for you to come and have a good time".

I think a gift card for dinner would be a nice gesture.

amagwire

Agree with gift card, etc.  It is proper etiquette for you to give a gift to a new couple when you attend their wedding, but there's no reason you have to buy from the registry.  I have seen similar situations, and to me, it's definitely crazy.  I would not register if I was on my third marriage/wedding.

ac_in_dc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:327c4af7-439c-4e9f-8d67-08f8c2108dcb">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]People don't have weddings for the gifts.  I think sometimes its possible to get distracted by the gifts, but that isn't why she is getting married.  People bring gifts to weddings to wish them well on their future and to help them ease into married life.  Honestly, if a registry means that gifts are expected, then it is rude in any wedding.  Registries more seem like things that are there for guests who chose to buy gifts, and since she is getting married (yes even for the third time) there will probably be people who want to bring her gifts.  So, a registry is convenient for them, and shouldn't be insulting for anyone.  But then of course, this is all in my opinion, and I've never had to buy three gifts for someone getting married, so I could be horribly wrong. 
Posted by SimplyIndulgent[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. I registered for my second wedding after a lot of deliberation and discussions with family and friends over what was appropriate (there are no hard and fast rules on this, I looked)...what finally made me decide to do this was that it is my husband's first marriage and he's a traditional guy, so I wanted to give him the opportunity to have a traditional wedding, including a registry.

I hope my friends were more charitable in  their opinion of me than you are of your friend.

Any time a bride and groom are older and well-established, gift-giving is different. Just get them a nice restaurant card if you want, or nothing at all if you're going to be all catty about it. Wedding gifts aren't required, anyway.

ohwhynot

Exactly what jjalph said.  This is my 3rd marriage, my fi's first.  We are not registering because I don't like registries in general AND I just can't bring myself to register for a third wedding.  It just feels unseemly to me.  HOWEVER.  We are inconveniencing some guests who want to bring a gift and don't know what to get a middle-aged couple who have their own home.  So it's a trade-off.

I had to decide what was more obnoxious (for lack of a better word):  registering and being perceived as a gift-grabber marriage failure who'd be better off registering for a book on marriage (;-) thanks, Amoro) or not registering and frustrating some guests who really appreciate a registry. 

I don't think it's as black/white as it may seem at first. 

iamjoesgurl

How do you know that she registered?  I think that would make a difference to me.  If she is broadcasting the registry, that would seem gift grabby to me.  But if someone asked her where they are registered, it seems different.  No matter how much someone has, guests are always going to want to give a gift of some kind.  So it is nice to know what things the couple wants in case you don't want to give cash or gift cards.

To answer your question about the shower, I think I would find that odd.  Hopefully her WP doesn't throw one.

golden1215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:95cad6c2-ab54-4570-b321-cc75ecb7255f">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe you should get her a book on marriage.  For reals, yo.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

please do this. ha!
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Best-Marriage-Books/lm/MAHPQPAWQFMH" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Best-Marriage-Books/lm/MAHPQPAWQFMH</a>

but really, esp if you have given a wedding gift before, a card (or <em>maybe </em>movie theater ticket for $20) is all I would give

pumpkinpumpkin

I probably wouldn't go to someone's 3rd wedding. Especially if I was invited to the first two. And I definitely wouldn't bring a gift. A card yes, a gift, no.

MeaghanandMichael

Honestly, I would probably get her something for the wedding and leave it at that, but I think it is ridiculous what she is doing.

kd.joseph

This is my third and his second. I wouldnt dream of having a registry. Very tacky!
I had all that with my first wedding. I have suggeted the JOP for this one, but he refused because he had JOP the first go round.
We have everything we could possibly need, or we can buy it ourselves. Actually I had a family friend after reading my bio ask me where we were registered, I was trying to find a nice way to tell her we're not registered, and please save your money,but thanks.

goheels05

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:f0a49609-c435-41f2-84bf-5277c9f35803">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE : please do this. ha! <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Best-Marriage-Books/lm/MAHPQPAWQFMH" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Best-Marriage-Books/lm/MAHPQPAWQFMH</a> Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

Right.  Because you know everything about her relationship skills and can presume to know why her previous marriages ended. 

LarissaAnn

Well, no matter what # wedding it is, you know guests are going to be giving gifts.  Registering just gives them a checklist of things the couple actually wants.  Nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn't do a shower, though.  On the other hand, a shower is supposed to be thrown by other people, and if they throw it, there's not much she can do about it.  My shower was a complete surprise to me; I thought I was showing up to attend a fundraiser for a veterinary group.

Edit:  OK, in reading the other posts, I guess you don't know that guests will be giving gifts.  If it was me, no matter the # wedding, I'd be giving my typical $200-250, depending on how close I am with the couple.  In NJ, we mostly do cash at the wedding anyway.  And I so no reason to penalize a couple and judge them just because it's not a first marriage.  I have too many friends who either made mistakes the first time around or had things go awry.  That doesn't mean I'm any less close with them or wish them any less well.

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:5093c7c8-adc3-4de9-bb85-72e600aa7327">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]I probably wouldn't go to someone's 3rd wedding. Especially if I was invited to the first two. And I definitely wouldn't bring a gift. A card yes, a gift, no.
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]

Me too.  Unless the first 2 died or something. 

sucrets4

I need more info.

I agree with whoever asked if this person is advertising the registry or not. 

I don't think she should have a shower, though.  Hmm, I would also judge if it's a huge registry.

However, the most I'd do to 'spite' them is to give them something not on the registry, if I went to the wedding.

pumpkinpumpkin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:9b3c6718-4d79-4938-86cd-0eeac0a5a51d">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE : Me too.  Unless the first 2 died or something. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

Yep.

mocha beans

Just get them a gift card to a nice restaurant and call it a day.

I will admit that a third marriage makes me raise an eyebrow, but at the same time, I don't know what caused her to be on the third.  Maybe the first husband died rescuing kittens from a burning building and the second was a cheating liar.  But if she's just being gift grabby cause she's the bride!!1!, then a gift card or just a congrats card would be my choice.

notquiteblushing

Eh, I don't know her or her story.  A lot of people register to make it easier for those Aunt Helens that NEED to buy you some crystal or they will cry.  If she was advertising the registry or having a shower, well that's tacky..

wadingmoose

Sooooooooooooooo, you're going to get her a gift, but you won't get her something from her registry because she's been married twice before?  What?

polichik

Meh, I think registering is ok, as long as she didn't adveretise it. The shower, not so much.

I'm also disappointed about how judgmental people are being about it being her third marriage. You don't know her, and you don't know her life.

jajph1974

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:27cd8341-629a-4523-a702-1a81a71fd3b8">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm also disappointed about how judgmental people are being about it being her third marriage. You don't know her, and you don't know her life.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]


This

mandysmear

I'd get the couple a gift card to a restaurant honestly.  I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift, but I wouldn't be splurging on that $400 kitchenaid mixer either.

SparrowSong

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-wedding-registry-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c49d3f30-754e-4f2b-bc01-c34f17df0eb6Post:25849193-f47a-476e-b4d5-91bf47f6dea3">Re: 3RD WEDDING REGISTRY ETIQUETTE</a>:
[QUOTE]Be mindful that some people don't fail at marriage as some said . .  My husband died after a long battle with cancer...I have a friend who unfortunately lost 2 husbands to illness...I am not registering and found the book response in poor taste.  Give a gift if you want...Share the day with your "friend" if you want....
Posted by WINNIEPOLEY@HOTMAIL.COM[/QUOTE]

I really don't think it's a judgement about failure. It's that they've already been given a household of brand new stuff twice before. They do not need that again. Nobody NEEDS that much stuff. Regardless of circumstances, asking friends and family to furnish your house three times is a bit ridiculous.

If I'd already attended and gifted at the first two weddings, I wouldn't feel bad about just giving a card at this one. I think a restaurant gift certificate is a nice idea though. I'm not offended by the existence of the registry because some people probably will want to give a material gift. I just don't think a third wedding should involve all the showers and gift hoopla, much less any expectation from the repeat b and/or g that they should receive gifts from all invitees or any kind of "cover the plate" nonsense.