Question for the Etiquette ladies

HandBanana

A girl from FI neighborhood is getting married and there is a cash bar.  More than half of the guests are saying no. 

Not sure who is the bigger etiquette no no, the guests who say no because it is a cash bar or the couple that has a cash bar?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:b4f236c2-316a-40c9-a768-97ad5a809443">Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]A girl from FI neighborhood is getting married and there is a cash bar.  More than half of the guests are saying no.  Not sure who is the bigger etiquette no no, the guests who say no because it is a cash bar or the couple that has a cash bar?
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

<div>Unless they are flat out telling the couple that they aren't going because it's a cash bar, then there is no way of knowing if that's the reason.  </div>

mica178

I wouldn't RSVP no for a wedding just because there was a cash bar, although of course, I am anti-cash bar.

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:31cc1fd5-ea22-432a-b6d6-d60865186d64">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Question for the Etiquette ladies : Unless they are flat out telling the couple that they aren't going because it's a cash bar, then there is no way of knowing if that's the reason.  
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


It is a very small neighborhood. Word travels fast.

GeauxTigers17

I'm one that thinks cash bars are really rude. I think it's fine not to serve alcohol/to limit what you serve, but asking people to pay for things at a party you host=not cool. 

If people are actually telling others the reason for their non-attendance, I think they are rude. It's rude to say something about the couple's rude behavior. That whole "don't meet rudeness with rudeness" principle. 

If people are just RSVPing "no," and the rest is speculation, then that's not rude - no one has to give a justification for a "no" response. The only requirement etiquette imposes is the obligation to respond.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:b4298730-8d92-4ad6-ab22-41b92522532b">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies : It is a very small neighborhood. Word travels fast.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

<div>"Word traveling" is often rumors, or misconstrued words.  Ever play the game "telephone" as a child?  </div><div>
</div><div>I am totally against cash bars, but I wouldn't never decline an invite to someone I'm close to simply for that reason.  And I really doubt that half of her guests would do that.  </div>

HandBanana

Yeah.  It is interesting.  The girl is a peer of FI younger brother.  He just kept going on about how tacky it was for her to have a cash bar and how no one was going because it was a cash bar and they were all talking about her and the wedding.  I was surprised that people actually refused wedding invites simply because they had to pay for their booze.  I mean I'm as anti-cash bar as it gets.

Beachy730

How old is the couple?

GeauxTigers17

Ok, then I think the guy who is running his mouth to everyone about her being tacky is way tackier than the cash bar. 

I also would never refuse to attend a wedding due to a cash bar...that's just petty. 

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:8b18571f-da65-4e50-b9fc-46749ccba4de">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, then I think the guy who is running his mouth to everyone about her being tacky is way tackier than the cash bar.  I also would never refuse to attend a wedding due to a cash bar...that's just petty. 
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

Well that would be my FIL.

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:06844632-0c0d-416a-bffc-4bf51cc50d44">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]How old is the couple?
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

She is 25 and I think he is a few years older.

Beachy730

I expected younger if that's really the case.  But I still just can't believe that many people would decline simply because of a cash bar.  It sounds to me like a lot of assumptions being made.

GeauxTigers17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:c2baa0ce-e4d4-4bb8-9e18-f84e9480b7b7">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies : Well that would be my FIL.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Sorry! I just think it's mean!</div>

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:582dc209-c831-45ef-b06b-c29b1215a47d">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]I expected younger if that's really the case.  But I still just can't believe that many people would decline simply because of a cash bar.  It sounds to me like a lot of assumptions being made.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


Part of it is the neighborhood.  You "have to" invite everyone so there are probably about 100 people being invited that aren't that close to the bride or groom.  This was an issue for us because FI was very anti inviting anyone that didn't know us.  Thank goodness.

Have you ever seen Shameless on showtime?  It is pretty much this neighborhood.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:fb3d03ff-6171-4539-a011-53872465a299">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm one that thinks cash bars are really rude. I think it's fine not to serve alcohol/to limit what you serve, but asking people to pay for things at a party you host=not cool.  If people are actually telling others the reason for their non-attendance, I think they are rude. It's rude to say something about the couple's rude behavior. That whole "don't meet rudeness with rudeness" principle.  If people are just RSVPing "no," and the rest is speculation, then that's not rude - no one has to give a justification for a "no" response. The only requirement etiquette imposes is the obligation to respond.
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

I think it's pretty childish to RSVP no just because of a cash bar.  Childish and rude.

IMO, cash bars are rude but you're 100% correct, rudeness shouldn't beget rudeness.

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:356a220e-3e51-4834-9398-388252f86d67">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies : Sorry! I just think it's mean!
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]


What I put or what he said?  I think his comments were more than mean because he is supposedly her friend.  What I said is a fact though.  He is my FIL.

GeauxTigers17

Ohhh I meant your FIL's comments about the bride. I was apologizing because I couldn't tell if you were mad that I essentially insulted your FIL. I see we are on the same page 

ootmother2

FIL has some growing up to do

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:83df4438-8d40-4e07-8740-a712c884c8d6">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]Ohhh I meant your FIL's comments about the bride. I was apologizing because I couldn't tell if you were mad that I essentially insulted your FIL. I see we are on the same page 
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]


Yeah.  I love him to death because he is so transparently honest but at the same time it is one of the flaws. 

HandBanana

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:a3b5a9cb-3c50-4e88-bfca-726ac4754cd8">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]FIL has some growing up to do
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]


I JUST REALIZED I USED THE WRONG ABBREVIATION!!!!!!!!

BIL BIL !!!!!!

NOT FIL

i think it might be almost bed time.  I read your post and I was like why is she talking about my FIL.... oh lord.  I'm talking about my FI little brother.

ootmother2

It's okay.  i should have picked up on it when you said it was a peer

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:4122b6f2-bb81-4928-b364-3235a8abbe65">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm petty enough to decline an invitation to the wedding of someone I care about simply because they are having a cash bar.  I am anti-cash bar but I would never dream of using it to drive a wedge in a personal relationship.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]



kate, didn't you mean that you're NOT petty enough to decline?

methinks we are all tired

sklink0486

I wonder..is she having the cash bar to maybe deter some of the guests she "has to" invite? hmm...just a thought i had.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-etiquette-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ce0f54-c99e-45b7-aa94-48234799bb60Post:cafca35b-2b00-4002-81e2-0c629ad94dc3">Re: Question for the Etiquette ladies</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't RSVP no for a wedding just because there was a cash bar, although of course, I am anti-cash bar.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

Same. I'd roll my eyes and maybe bitch to my husband about it in private, but it wouldn't be my hill to die on.

RebeccaB88

Yeah, I'm about as anti-cash bar as you can get, and I wouldn't turn down an invitation based solely on that.  I wouldn't be drinking anything that I had to pay for, but I would still be there.  All the guests had to do was say they were unable to attend. IMHO they were being just as rude as the bride and groom.  Maybe they were trying to shame the couple into having an open bar?  That would be just as sad.