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  • I read the subject and wanted to reply with "that's what she said."  Obviously that is not appropriate.

    Look, they're a social unit.  You can't make her decisions for her.  You should have invited him.  And I hope it didn't cause a big fight.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

    You need to make a decision.  Do you want your best friend there that much?  Then you  need to invite him.  Do you want him to not be there badly enough to risk your friendship? 
  • That really sucks.   But she made her choice to support her BF.  As unhealthy as that is, it's her choice and I would most likely make the same one if my DH was not invited to a wedding.  (although I would not be in an abusive relationship)

    Sorry..






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  • This is hard and I understand that you do not want him there.

    With that being said, it is appropriate to invite your bridesmaid plus one.  If she chooses to bring him, then that is her choice.

    Bottom line, it is NOT worth losing a friendship over.  Any distrubance he MAY cause at your wedding will be a reflection on him and not you.

    Good luck!
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  • My first thought is that she's probably saying she can't come if he can't because she knows he'll never LET her go without him.  If he's abusive, she risks getting beat up or just not belng "allowed" to go if he's not invited to. 

    So your choice is to invite them both or respect her decision not to come. 

    I don't know enough about domestic violence to give good advice here, but I would suggest maybe you talk to a professional to find out how to help your friend and how to deal with this situation.  Maybe call a domestic violence hotline or look it up online to get information about how to help your friend.   I know there is information out there for family and friends of abused women.
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  • It sucks and that's a hard situation, but your wedding is not the time to pass judgment on her horrible choice in boyfriends. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:89a00e91-5985-4267-9295-3806048592ff">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]My first thought is that she's probably saying she can't come if he can't because she knows he'll never LET her go without him.  If he's abusive, she risks getting beat up or just not belng "allowed" to go if he's not invited to.  So your choice is to invite them both or respect her decision not to come. 
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    This, exactly.  Thanks Dani, for saying what I wasn't able to get into words without sounding like a big bitch.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:3481ff48-96c7-4deb-a642-0c85e7673e53">Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]I really want my best friend at my wedding but I don't want to risk him coming and causing a scene.  What do I do?
    Posted by jendetoy[/QUOTE]

    I really want your friend to seek counseling and get our of her abusive relationship, especially since there is a child involved.
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  • edited December 2009
    The answer is: you invite him. Being a jerk isn't a good enough reason to break etiquette by not inviting the SO of someone in your wedding party.

    If he had sexually abused you, or stolen your identity, those would be exceptions to the rule. But he didn't do anything to YOU - he's just a jerk to his girlfriend. And SHE'S still with him, so he needs to be invited.

    You probably won't even notice him. In this case, I'd recommend not doing a head table.
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  • JK I am right there with you. haha

    and jen, I am super sorry you are in that situation that is never an easy place to be.   I don't know how I would handle this but good luck!
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  • By putting her in that situation, you realize that you're making life harder for her, don't you?  If he is as controlling and abusive as you said he is, then she's either going to not be able to come without him, or risk getting beaten if she does.

    You may not like him, but your wedding is not the appropriate time to pass judgement on your friend's relationship. 
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  • I understand your dilemma. My cousin dated a horribly abusive and controlling person for over a year.

    She never left him for good until it was HER idea. She tried a few times, but that was with the encouragment of family or friends.

    Here's the harsh truth. You have to be pretend-supportive of their relationship. You just have to. It will allow her to continue to trust you and maintain her friendship with you.

    When the time is right, if you've 'supported' her long enough, you'll likely be the one that she calls when she's ready for it to be over.

    Believe me on this. I was that person for my cousin. I was the ONLY one who "supported" her. And I was the first one she called.

    With that said, invite the SOB. If you don't, and it ruins your friendship, the guilt you will feel for not knowing about her homelife will be a new kind of intense.
  • In relation to him not "letting" her go - if this puts strain on your friendship, she's likely to not feel as comfortable coming to you for help when her relationship is bad. Try to be as neutral/non-judgemental as possible so she feels comfortable opening up to you. It's not only a wedidng issue, it's a real friendship issue.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:89a00e91-5985-4267-9295-3806048592ff">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]My first thought is that she's probably saying she can't come if he can't because she knows he'll never LET her go without him.  If he's abusive, she risks getting beat up or just not belng "allowed" to go if he's not invited to.  So your choice is to invite them both or respect her decision not to come.  I don't know enough about domestic violence to give good advice here, but I would suggest maybe you talk to a professional to find out how to help your friend and how to deal with this situation.  Maybe call a domestic violence hotline or look it up online to get information about how to help your friend.   I know there is information out there for family and friends of abused women.
    Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

    This.  All of it.  Is it worth risking losing a friend, and not being able to be there for her later if this gets worse?  I would invite her.  And, I would seat them with somebody who can keep an eye on him.  If you have security at your reception venue you can let them know in advance to watch out for him, if you think that's warranted.

    At least this way you'll get a few minutes with her without the bf around - he's not coming in the suite while you're getting dressed, right?
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • This is a tough situation.

    I used to work with women (and some men) who were victims of domestic violence, and one thing is for sure....until they truly make the decision to leave they won't (and they will keep going back if they aren't 100% ready). It could be quite disheartening to help someone leave, put in lots of time and effort, and a week later find they are back with the person again.

    Anyway, as I said in a post earlier today, your wedding is not the time to be making judgments on the relationships of others. By not inviting him, she is put in a very bad spot that can even be dangerous for her.

    Either invite him, or don't invite either of them. If you do invite him and he causes trouble at the wedding, have him escorted off the premises (granted it can put a damper on the evening if you let it, but if you are prepared that it may happen...you should not let it).

  • edited December 2009
  • As much as you hate him and wish evil upon him, you really should invite him.  She's being put in a very tricky place by having to choose between you and her stupid BF; and chances are she's going to choose him over you, nearly certain.  That's the shiity thing about abusive relationships, the abuser has almost more control and influence over the other person than anyone else does.

    You have to be as supportive as you can muster.  Be there for her when she wants to vent about him.  PP are right that when she's ready to leave him, she'll come to you first.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:ec547234-83c7-4759-b3f6-185007f15ead">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]  I just want her to try to step outside of her situation long enough to see that this day isn't about her and her relationship, it is about my fiance and I.
    Posted by jendetoy[/QUOTE]

    True. Your wedding is about you and your FI.

    But as PPs stated, she probably mentioned it because he won't let her or it could honestly cause an outburst on her from him.

    So in a way, it is about her. A little bit.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:ec547234-83c7-4759-b3f6-185007f15ead">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE] I don't want people remembering <strong>my special day</strong> connected with him. 

    My take on it was that we were making a decision for us and our guests at the wedding.  <strong>I just want her to try to step outside of her situation long enough to see that this day isn't about her and her relationship, it is about my fiance and I.</strong>
    Posted by jendetoy[/QUOTE]

    OMG?!  Are you fuucking serious?  After everything that your friend is going through, you're going to pull the "it's my special day" crap? 

    Yes, I am sure SHE can put aside the daily beatings so that she can come to YOUR wedding.  Because she's obviously trying to create drama for YOU.

    Way to be supportive of your friend. 
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  • Unfortunately, you not inviting him is not going to end the relationship.

    I've been in a very abusive relationship. It lasted almost 3 years (The abuse started about 6 months in). It actually "ended" with me getting a restraining order, because even though I had finally gotten up the guts to leave and move on (Which was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life), I still was not safe: he started showing up at my job, haunting my hang-outs and whenever he popped up, it ended with him making threats and security escorting him out (Once the paperwork was finalized, I never saw him again).

    However, when I was with him, I was not able to go too many places without him. If I did go somewhere without him, he called and texted me literally every 5 minutes. If I responded, he would give me hell about going without him. If I ignored him, then there was hell to pay when I eventually returned. I was miserable, I didn't want to be with him, I didn't have fun when he was around, but it was also impossible for me to have a good time when he wasn't around, because I was either on the phone fighting with him or dreading the fact that I knew what was coming when I got home for not answering the phone.

    Your friend and her bf are a packaged deal at this point, whether you like it or not. There's an excellent chance if this guy doesn't go to the wedding, she's not going to have a good time, because she, too, will be either on the phone fighting all night or dreading going home. She is the only one that can make the choice to not be with him anymore, and I'm willing to be she's strongly considered it several times (My relationship lasted almost 3 years, I wanted out after the first 8 months). But like how nobody could force me to leave my ex, nobody can force her to leave this guy. It's a decision that she has to make on her own, and she has to be 100% ready to do it, or she'll just keep going back.

    Until then, you need to let her know that you love her and will try to make things as easy as possible for her. Because when the day comes that she leaves this jerk-wad, she's going to need a friend really badly.

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  • smokeybaileysmokeybailey member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2009
    You need to step outside your situation long enough to see that your day isn't about trying to control other people's relationships.  Either you invite her and allow her the option of bringing him OR you tell her, I'm sorry, I can't allow your disruptive boyfriend to come to my event and as such, I cannot invite you.

    It doesn't matter how much you post; you aren't going to hear what you want to hear which is, Oh you totally don't have to invite him.

    Don't use your wedding to take a stand.  Make it now-with her-one on one. 
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  • Regardless of whether it's your wedding or not, abusers are selfish and will ALWAYS make things about them, somehow, someway.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:ec547234-83c7-4759-b3f6-185007f15ead">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your responses.  This is so hard!  I know that the proper thing is to invite + one but I sort of felt that I have an obligation to protect other guests from his behavior.  I don't want people remembering my special day connected with him.  I do see the point that it would be a reflection on him, not me, but in the end, people will remember a huge outburst and relate it to my wedding. I get that they are a social unit and her point is that I am making decisions for her as well.  My take on it was that we were making a decision for us and our guests at the wedding.  I just want her to try to step outside of her situation long enough to see that this day isn't about her and her relationship, it is about my fiance and I.
    Posted by jendetoy[/QUOTE]

    In the end, though, this is likely a safety issue for her.  If she comes without him (or even just tells him she intends to), she's risking a black eye, or worse.  If you think his potential outburst is enough to warrant security, get a security guard.  Preferrably an off duty cop.  If they see him do something abusive to her, they can arrest him.  And, those sort of folks are practiced at getting somebody out of the reception without causing a greater stir. 

    Honestly, I've seen people get a little out of hand at a wedding.  And, yes, I remember whose wedding it was.  But - I don't hold the bride and groom responsible in my head.  Just the jerk who made a scene.
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hard-subject?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4ff6e82-d3b0-4a11-864b-b921a78e92bcPost:ec547234-83c7-4759-b3f6-185007f15ead">Re: Help! HARD subject</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you for your responses.  This is so hard!  I know that the proper thing is to invite + one but I sort of felt that <strong>I have an obligation to protect other guests from his behavior</strong>.  I don't want people remembering my special day connected with him.  I do see the point that it would be a reflection on him, not me, but in the end, people will remember a huge outburst and relate it to my wedding. I get that they are a social unit and her point is that I am making decisions for her as well.  My take on it was that we were making a decision for us and our guests at the wedding.  <strong>I just want her to try to step outside of her situation long enough to see that this day isn't about her and her relationship, it is about my fiance and I.</strong>
    Posted by jendetoy[/QUOTE]

    See, this is a different story.

    If you're worried he is going to physically harm your wedding guests because he has a history of violence in social situations, then I think you're justified in not inviting him.  She might not come, but I'd rather my guests be safe.

    However, the rest of this post reeks of "Yeah, this asshole is beating the shiit out of my friend, but the problem is he's going to RUIN MY DAY."  She is in a life or death situation--and your concern is that she'll take the focus off you?  Really?
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  • edited December 2009
    The original post is vague. Can you clarify if this abuser HAS a history of physical violence? I think some assumptions are being made about his behavior. I have no doubt that you say you have witnessed your friend in an unhealthy relationship but to make the leap, as Brie said, of protecting your guests from physical violence, that IS a different story.
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  • [QUOTE]However, when I was with him, I was not able to go too many places without him. If I did go somewhere without him, he called and texted me literally every 5 minutes. If I responded, he would give me hell about going without him. If I ignored him, then there was hell to pay when I eventually returned. I was miserable, I didn't want to be with him, I didn't have fun when he was around, but it was also impossible for me to have a good time when he wasn't around, because I was either on the phone fighting with him or dreading the fact that I knew what was coming when I got home for not answering the phone.
    Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

    I was in this same sort of situation, where answering calls from him sucked but not answering calls was worse.  I never went anywhere without him knowing where I was going, who would be there, and how long I would be gone (but he always "encouraged" me to be gone as short of a time as possible, of course).  Going to a wedding without him would have been absolutely out of the question. 

    Yes, you want your "special day" to be perfect.  But you owe it to your friend to put your wedding aside and be there for her.  Seek professional help, call a hotline, do what you need to do.  Your friend's emotional and physical health and safety is so important, and what happens now could have ramifications for the rest of her life. 
  • Really, jendetoy?  Really?  You've gotten all sorts of good advice about a very serious subject.  And now I think you're just a troll throwing MUD.  Not cool. 
  • So if you're really worried about him causing a fight with other guests, hire security.  They can be discreet and don't have to be big huge bouncer types.  Off-duty cops area  great idea.

    Otherwise, get off your pedestal and realize that your wedding is not going to trump her abusive boyfriend, as sad as that is.  Don't make things difficult for her.
  • tidetraveltidetravel member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments
    edited December 2009
    That's a mature way to handle everything, OP - delete your posts because you aren't getting the validation that you are seeking.

    I'm sure now you'll handle your friend's situation in the same mature manner.  Glad to know that she has someone in her life that can see past their own life situation and be there to help her when she needs it.  <---  enter sarcasm font here
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  • Since the OP deleted and I'm having a shitty day, I'm going to assume that the post was all about how awesome I am.
  • bbyckesbbyckes member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2009

    Why would you do this? 
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