Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

Just for your information I also posted this on the Moms and Maids board.

My DD and FSIL have made the decision to have a cash bar at their wedding reception. Based on what I have read on this forum I realize that most people frown on this. I tend to agree with this. However, having said this, in the region I live in, and where the wedding will be held, cash bars are the norm. The owners of the wedding venue have said that all weddings held there are cash bars with a few exceptions having the cocktail hour as open bar. Most weddings we have attended in this area have been cash bars.

In my extended family (not my husband's) open bars are the norm and since my extended family is very small, but coming from quite a distance, my husband and I thought we might buy their drinks for them. We would try and do this on the QT (although we would discuss this first with my DD and FSIL), but were wondering if we would be creating another breach in etiquette.

It is not specifically financial reasons that they are opting for a cash bar. Apparently there are some family members on the groom's side that have a problem with over-indulging which would lead them to conducting themselves in an appropriate manner.

Bar prices are very reasonable and there is no difference in prices between beer, wine and basic alcoholic drinks with mix. We are already paying for a significant portion of the wedding expenses which don't include the bar.

Brie2010 · January 2010

No. Absolutely not. This is rude, and people will find out and get their panties in a wad over it. I would.

I would look into having an open bar for just beer and wine. It's cheaper than full open bar, but you avoid the rudeness of a cash bar.

sarah0725 · January 2010

I don't really think you can do a hosted bar for some guests and not others. If I went to a wedding and only the MOB's family got free drinks, and I heard about it, I would be pretty offended.

goheels05 · January 2010

Yes, it would be very, very rude.

[QUOTE]Just for your information I also posted this on the Moms and Maids board. My DD and FSIL have made the decision to have a cash bar at their wedding reception. Based on what I have read on this forum I realize that most people frown on this. I tend to agree with this. However, having said this, in the region I live in, and where the wedding will be held, cash bars are the norm. The owners of the wedding venue have said that all weddings held there are cash bars with a few exceptions having the cocktail hour as open bar. Most weddings we have attended in this area have been cash bars. In my extended family (not my husband's) open bars are the norm and since my extended family is very small, but coming from quite a distance, my husband and I thought we might buy their drinks for them. We would try and do this on the QT (although we would discuss this first with my DD and FSIL), but were wondering if we would be creating another breach in etiquette. It is not specifically financial reasons that they are opting for a cash bar. [/QUOTE]

You could have saved a lot of nouns and verbs here by just saying "cash bars are normal in my circle, FI's circle, and for the venue."

[QUOTE] Apparently there are some family members on the groom's side that have a problem with over-indulging which would lead them to conducting themselves in an appropriate manner. Bar prices are very reasonable and there is no difference in prices between beer, wine and basic alcoholic drinks with mix. We are already paying for a significant portion of the wedding expenses which don't include the bar.
[/QUOTE]

That's a really stupid reason to have a cash bar. Paying isn't going to stop anyone from over-indulging, and it's rude to punish the rest of your guests because of the potential actions of a few guests. I could see you having a dry reception because of the history of problems, but to say that's why you're having a cash bar? Yeah right.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · January 2010

I agree with heels. If you don't want some people drinking, make it a dry reception. Do not separate your guests into tiers by allowing some to have free drinks.

I'd also do beer and wine. I know quite a few people who have gotten completely inebriated at bars and restaurants when they are paying for their own drinks, so your reasoning for doing a cash bar (basically trying to control the behavior of adults) doesn't fly.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

I know and I agree Brie about a cash bar despite it being the "norm" in our area. It is the bride and groom's decision regarding this and when asked my opinion by my DD I gave her my honest thoughts about this. There is pressure from the groom's mom to have a cash bar because of certain family members causing embarrassment. My own and DH's opinion is that there is potential for embarrassment whether these family members have to pay for their booze or not.

A beer or wine bar wouldn't be any difference in price as all bar prices are the same except for cocktails such as daiquiries etc. So that isn't the issue. The people in question are beer drinkers anyway. Canadian beer is higher in alcohol content than American beer.

But my inner self was telling me that buying "my" side or "our" side drinks wouldn't sit well with other people at the wedding.

gatorgirl2010 · January 2010

That would be WILDLY rude.

sarah0725 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:491e45c8-cd49-4746-b2d6-524eb1a322e6">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]But my inner self was telling me that buying "my" side or "our" side drinks wouldn't sit well with other people at the wedding.
Posted by 7298607477829237[/QUOTE]

Your inner self is correct.

EDIT: Who's paying? If you're giving a large amount of the money, and you want to pay for a hosted bar, I would say that's your prerogative.

MeaghanandMichael · January 2010

This actually happened at a wedding I recently went to. The bride and groom made the decision to have a cash bar based on many of the same reasons you mentioned above, and I suspect on cost. My area is very open bar oriented so people were shocked. Perhaps that is why MORE people were confused when the father of the groom was buying and passing out drinks like candy. He was embarrassed by the bride's families decision to have cash bar and said so many times.

However, the only thing passing out the 'free' drinks did was embarrass the bride and groom and annoy people who didn't get them. I actually turned one down.

In the end, you need to offer to pay for at least a partial open bar if you feel you must do something. I can't see why they would turn down your generosity and the other family is flat out lying if they really think a cash bar will stop any one. Alcohol abusers will alcohol abuse no matter what.

[Deleted User] · January 2010

How would you even accomplish this? Would you use a code word? Or maybe a secret handshake?

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

Just to make things clear, we would not tell the bar tender to give certain people free drinks and pick up that tab at the end of the night. My husband would just offer a drink to people while we are socialzing/sitting at the table with them and go up to the bar and pay for it.

Brie2010 · January 2010

Yeah, put yourself in one of the guest's shoes. You're in line for the bar, someone in front of you doesn't pay. You walk up, order a drink, and hear "Six dollars, please." I would be LIVID.

Cash bars are rude. Plain and simple. Would you invite someone over for a dinner party to your home and charge them for drinks? This is the same thing.

You mentioned you're paying for a substantial part of the wedding. Personally, if I were you, I'd say, "Okay, favors? Not necessary. Open bar? Necessary. We will pay for that. If you want favors, you can handle that."

My mother is paying for probably 2/3 of our wedding. There are certain things she's insisting on, like flowers at the church, that I don't really feel strongly about that she's paying for. Even though it's for our wedding, it's her money and she can dictate what it is spent on, at least to some extent. When you give money for a wedding, IMO, you can exert a certain amount of control over the wedding planning. You should still let your DD/FSIL take the reins, but I think its reasonable to dictate that the money will pay for open bar rather than a $6,000 wedding dress or something.

crfische · January 2010

I would all of a sudden become a cousin that you don't remember. And I could be convincing, too.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:4534453a-403c-4b32-89bd-44c000f76600">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, put yourself in one of the guest's shoes. You're in line for the bar, someone in front of you doesn't pay. You walk up, order a drink, and hear "Six dollars, please." I would be LIVID. Cash bars are rude. Plain and simple. Would you invite someone over for a dinner party to your home and charge them for drinks? This is the same thing. You mentioned you're paying for a substantial part of the wedding. Personally, if I were you, I'd say, "Okay, favors? Not necessary. Open bar? Necessary. We will pay for that. If you want favors, you can handle that." My mother is paying for probably 2/3 of our wedding. There are certain things she's insisting on, like flowers at the church, that I don't really feel strongly about that she's paying for. Even though it's for our wedding, it's her money and she can dictate what it is spent on, at least to some extent. When you give money for a wedding, IMO, you can exert a certain amount of control over the wedding planning. You should still let your DD/FSIL take the reins, but I think its reasonable to dictate that the money will pay for open bar rather than a $6,000 wedding dress or something.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

Please see my post about how we were planning on going about paying for guest drinks.

You are correct that when we invite someone to our house we are the hosts and provide food and drink.

No the bride did not purchase a $6000 dress, not even close.

I appreciate everyone's candor and you have no idea how distressed we feel about how a few guests lack of control is dictating a major part of the wedding reception and the expense it causes all the other guests.

Brie2010 · January 2010

I was using the $6000 dress as an example.

Here's the thing--unless your family is known for ONLY getting drunk to the point of embarrassment/violence at open bar events, this is a terrible excuse. People get falling-down, stupid decision drunk all the time at bars where they have to pay a ton for drinks. If someone wants to get wasted, paying for the drink isn't going to stop them.

If you are REALLY worried about your relatives getting drunk and causing trouble, then have a dry reception with no alcohol. Not a cash bar.

duckie1905 · January 2010

People that want to get drunk will get drunk regardless of a cash or open bar, so that is an incredibly stupid reason to have a cash bar. Just sayin'.

Anyway, it would be incredibly rude to only provide open bar for some of the guests. If no one else gets it, your relatives don't either.

eastunder1 · January 2010

Of all the stupid reasons and logics for things, I think the worst is the "oh we're having a cash bar because people can't handle their alcohol." Give me a break. Who do you think you're fooling? Having a cash bar versus a open bar does absolutely nothing to discourage problem drinkers from drinking. You think four dollars is going to stand between them and their gin and juice? Really? Ok.

I think this is basically bullsh*t and people just dont want to say "we're too cheap to pay for everyone's booze, so here's a lame excuse that I hope you all buy."

Also, buying some people's stuff and not others? Super lame. Have fun with that.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:e6f3d175-cb05-4949-9c99-7241ccc88611">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would all of a sudden become a cousin that you don't remember. And I could be convincing, too.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Hahaha. No, we know all our family invited to the wedding.

I get that our idea is not a good one.

eastunder1 · January 2010

If you are insistent on doing this (and I hope you don't) I would say your idea of discretely having your husband offer to "buy" a drink for family or whatever would be the best route. But people will notice if he is essentially playing waiter for certian people all night. They will. This could lead to resentment, or even more irritation over the cash bar. Its just not a good plan.

crfische · January 2010

It goes a bit beyong "not a good one" but yeah...

lauralaur · January 2010

I don't see a problem with saying "Hey can I buy you a drink?" while talking to cousin John if you see his drink is empty, people buy drinks for other people all the time. Where you run into a problem is buying all drinks for all of your family. But, if you want to pick up a drink here or there for family members I see no problem with that. In my family and with my friends we take turns buying each other drinks all the time, so again, I don't see a problem.

And again, I just wouldn't buy all drinks for all family. That will attract attention and will not be appreciated by other guests.

squirrly · January 2010

Bad, bad plan. I've been on both sides of this at weddings before and thought it was shitty both times. NOT cool.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:40a463cd-f574-4c3e-82f9-35e465802f06">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Of all the stupid reasons and logics for things, I think the worst is the "oh we're having a cash bar because people can't handle their alcohol." Give me a break. Who do you think you're fooling? Having a cash bar versus a open bar does absolutely nothing to discourage problem drinkers from drinking. You think four dollars is going to stand between them and their gin and juice? Really? Ok. I think this is basically bullsh*t and people just dont want to say "we're too cheap to pay for everyone's booze, so here's a lame excuse that I hope you all buy." Also, buying some people's stuff and not others? Super lame. Have fun with that.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

If you read through my posts and actually comprehend them, it is not MY family members that have the problems and there is pressure from the groom's mom regarding HER family. Not ALL of her family, just a few.

I agree with what you have said and I have stated that several times. It is my DD and FSIL who are trying to accommodate his mom's concerns, right or wrong. I am not trying to fool anyone. I asked an honest question in a civil manner and expected honest and civil answers, which, for the most part I received and appreciate.

You, on the other hand, are rude and hostile.

MeaghanandMichael · January 2010

I am not trying to be a jerk here, but why is it that they are chosing to listen to the inlaws outlandish fear of drunks over your generosity to pay for everyone's drinks? You would think they would be welcoming that...

sarah0725 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:e25e0bf2-7c62-4f0d-9eb0-743534dca24f">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]You, on the other hand, are rude and hostile.
Posted by 7298607477829237[/QUOTE]

Oh, come off it.

Anyway, I'm still waiting to hear why, if you are paying a substantial amount toward the wedding, you can't say that you want the money to go toward a hosted bar.

eastunder1 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:e25e0bf2-7c62-4f0d-9eb0-743534dca24f">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude? : You, on the other hand, are rude and hostile.
Posted by 7298607477829237[/QUOTE]

It's part of my charm. That and juggling.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:1dcf6964-08e1-434d-a177-8798f1527c8b">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are insistent on doing this (and I hope you don't) I would say your idea of discretely having your husband offer to "buy" a drink for family or whatever would be the best route. But people will notice if he is essentially playing waiter for certian people all night. They will. This could lead to resentment, or even more irritation over the cash bar. Its just not a good plan.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

This is what he would be doing. But we aren't insisting on doing anything at this point, it was just an idea that we wanted feedback on.

I cannot stress enough, that we are not comfortable with the cash bar idea. If we were comfortable about buying drinks for our family members in the way described above and not the groom's family then I would never have asked here.

nda_roxybabe · January 2010

Ok, we understand you're not comfortable with the cash bar, we've given you our input. I don't know what else you'd like us to suggest?
I would sit down with the bride and groom explain to them how you feel about the matter and strongly push having an open or wine and beer bar. That or just make it dry.

lovemygrandkids · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-buying-family-members-drinks-cash-bar-reception-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5386e70-e089-4564-a2ad-555b64b19bbcPost:aaf95ed9-417a-4a2a-86d2-78c2a9cf0012">Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Would buying a few family members drinks at a cash bar reception be rude? : Oh, come off it. Anyway, I'm still waiting to hear why, if you are paying a substantial amount toward the wedding, you can't say that you want the money to go toward a hosted bar.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

Because the money has already been slated for and spent on other aspects of the wedding that were previously agreed to between us and the bride and groom before the decision to have a cash bar.