Looking for opinions

tiffad

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tiffad

I think you are misunderstanding me. We are definitely attending and randomly bringing other people is beyond obnoxious. I meant what would you do in terms of the gift. Would you purchase a gift or just give in and give a check? I'm a bit torn between the two. Or would you give less than you normally would in a check? Or ignore it all and keep it the same amount?

I don't want to come off as cheap or tacky so I want to see where peoples opinions are for where the line is crossed.

chattychiqa

holy moly, does it have that verbiage?  Greenback shower?  Eesh...

In any event, I would decline to attend the shower (if you haven't already RSVP'd yes), make an appearance at the wedding to be polite, and funnel any $$ toward the wedding gift.  Not the shower. 

Even if they do consider you tacky, they're far tackier. 

Do you really have to attend the shower?

rebarobert2012

I understand why you are frustrated, and I would feel the same way, too.  However, I think that you should just give a check for an amount that you can comfortably afford.  Or, if you don't want to give a check, just get a gift for the same amount.  Gifts are never expected, and should be appreciated, no matter what they are.  If they aren't appreciative of your gift, then it only makes them look bad,

jessicabessica

I would give a gift for the wedding, like a picture frame (something you could easily find on sale or buy with a coupon).  But we don't really give cash gifts.  

I think you should decide if you want to stay friends with these people or not.  I understand your frustration, but I think it's a little ridiculous to give a gift and then think something like "it only hurts them because we gave so much less than usual."  Maybe they thought it was rude of you not to invite their kid to your party (even though it wasn't), and they gave you a cash gift with the same thought in mind.  See how that gets a little silly?

OliveOilsMom

I would not be attending that shower.  That is beyond rude!  If you already RSVP'd yes, then I would attend, but not give a check.  I would show up with a gift, I would not be bringing a check. 

likeadeadstar

If you're already set on attending the shower, do so.  Like they have to live within budget, so do you.  You also have a wedding to pay for.  I'd be inclined not to go or send anything.

As for the wedding?  I'd buy the cheapest thing on the registry/a cheap but useful gift like a couple wineglasses and a card.

I mean, damn, my hope is for cash all across the board for ours because we're planning to move after the wedding and such, but I would never outright ask for it.  I tend to give cash myself because I know it's the most versatile - spend it on what you need, you know?  But grubbing outright?  Yuck.

chumlee7478

You didn't have to give a gift for the shower, especially since you say you found it so tacky to have a greenback shower (I agree, it's super tacky. But I've been invited to showers with that verbiage and chosen NOT to attend and never have given a cash gift to those throwing a greenback). 

Gifts aren't tit for tat.  Give what you can. Forget what they did, and move on.  I have never settled on an amount for a gift based on what's been done to me. Just give what you can, whether it's a check (if that's what's normal) or a gift card, etc. 

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_looking-for-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c5f8ae-cd46-4a29-9a12-d149fd0deb73Post:758fc1c5-f4ed-4eb7-aba4-163fd19fc0c7">Re: Looking for opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]What kind of "formal party" did you throw that you actually expected cash gifts from your guests? You already gave them money for the shower. If you typically give cash for weddings, do that. I'm missing the part where it's okay to give them less money because they didn't give you a lot for your party. Not everyone gives enough to "cover their plate" because they've never heard of such an absurd thing (my money is on this being the reason you're mad about their gift). Go back and read your OP. you're complaining that they didn't give you a large cash gift. Really? Yes it was rude to bring their kids, and yes that shower was tacky (you know you could have not attended....) but your attitude about it is pretty awful itself.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm inclined to agree with this.</div><div>
</div><div>As for the wedding, give what you would normally give.  If it's cash, give the cash that you would normally give for a friend of that distance.  If it's a registry gift, do that.  I wouldn't give cash, but then I NEVER give cash, and personally I'm hoping people don't give us cash... or if they do it's gift cards because FI and I have nothing and we are starting from scratch.... any cash we receive will go toward our student loans.  But you're from RI and my understanding is that cash gifts are the norm up there, whereas registry gifts are the norm down where I'm from.  Don't be petty about it though.  You already "punished" her for the greenback shower (yes I agree it's really tacky but you reacted badly, in my opinion.  It would have been better to not go at all than spend less than you otherwise would have).  Try to resist the urge to do the same thing for the wedding.  If you're still unhappy about how all of this has played out, take the high road and take COMFORT in being the un-tacky one.

</div>

redheadfsu

What party did you throw that you expected gifts? It is bad form to throw a party in honor of yourself - so I have a feeling your friend isn't the only one committing etiquette errors.

If you go to the shower, then give $. Personally, I would decline the shower (as I think those types of showers are tacky). But if I went I would follow the rules (like any other type of theme shower). And I give whatever I can afford & how close of a relationship it is.

tiffad

I'm goin to answer a few questions/issues a few of you brought up.

The party was not for myself, it was a Baptism for my child with a formal dinner afterwards as we had so many friends and family travel for it. Any gifts were for my child.

Like I said in my original post, I completely understand people having budgets. I wasn't angry at all about what they were able to give. My annoyance and a bit of aggravation came later when they only wanted cash. There is NO registry. In this way it is slightly selfish of me because I love registries. I love being able to go to bridal and baby showers with a gift I know people Definitely want. In general, I know I'm very generous in gifts. I don't expect everyone to reciprocate the same way. Not everyone is in the position to or has been raised that way. My issue is with having your guests fund your wedding. I still gave more of a gift than they did because I couldn't bring myself to do such a thing but I did reduce it to probably what is just a more normal level. It's not a tit for tat but a difference between right and wrong.

tiffad

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_looking-for-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c6c5f8ae-cd46-4a29-9a12-d149fd0deb73Post:acdc243d-814f-4576-bb3f-c57e594e784c">Re: Looking for opinions</a>:
[QUOTE]holy moly, does it have that verbiage?  Greenback shower?  Eesh... In any event, I would decline to attend the shower (if you haven't already RSVP'd yes), make an appearance at the wedding to be polite, and funnel any $$ toward the wedding gift.  Not the shower.  Even if they do consider you tacky, they're far tackier.  Do you really have to attend the shower?
Posted by chattychiqa[/QUOTE]


And yes, it did have that verbiage. I had to read a few times for it to sink in. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

I did have to attend, they're future family.