So many No-No's...

LAK011

So I haven't ever been on this board before, but after reading a few things, I realized I've done soo many etiquette no-no's with my wedding planning... LOL Yea, we were that couple that sent registry things in our invites (Everyone kept asking where we were registered, so why not? Esp for the people that we hardly talk to, i.e. cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) I've gotten them in invites before, so I didn't realize it was taboo...

Now on to the point of my post... We did the ultimate No-No: We went a STD to one of FI's friends, then didn't send him an invitation... This guy was one of FI's roomates in college and they were friends for the first few years they were there... Then friend went crazy (into drugs and all that), FI stayed with him through all his messes and even did everything he could to help him out. Naturally, FI wanted to invite him to the wedding. Between the time STDs went out and the time Invitations went out, "friend" told a mutual friend that he didn't want anything to do with FI anymore, and that mutual friend should never bring FI around again. So, of course, FI had a discussion about it and obvious choice: No invite.

FI ran into friend recently and friend asked about invitations and where we had sent his because he hadn't gotten it yet.... Awwwwkward. Not exactly sure how to respond to that. Luckily, friend had moved since we sent STDs, so all he said was oh you have my wrong address and dropped it.

Were we okay to not send an invitation?

mica178

From an etiquette standpoint, you were wrong.  If you send a person an STD, you should send the official invitation.

vicki0508

I think not sending the invite based on gossip from a third party was a bad move.  It probably wouldn't have hurt to send him the invitation.  If he really felt negatively about your FI, he wouldn't have shown up anyway.  And if the gossiper was wrong, then he would've come and everyone could've had a good time.

dragonwagon

What you heard was hearsay. You should have talked to the friend yourself before deciding not to invite him.

LAK011

The mutual friend is probably the most honest person I've ever met... and he protects FI like he was his own brother, so we definitely trust him... I think FI is still somewhat upset that "friend" won't be there, and I've told him that we can invite him if that's what he wants... He's still just a little torn up about being told that he isn't allowed to come around anymore by someone he thought was a friend. Very sticky situation I suppose...

LAK011

You're right, FI definitely should have talked to him before anything was decided...

veggienat

Yeah, i think an invite should have been sent.  If he truly wanted nothing to do with FI he wouldn't come.  But now he had the date saved for no good reason.  

PsyDet 2155

Like PP have statedm from an this is a "no-no" from an etiquette standpoint.  Your FI should have spoken with his friend instead of relying on hearsay gossip.

lyndausvi

I do not understand being passive-agressive about this.  Your DH heard from a 3rd party information about him and this friend.  The adult thing to do was address this directly with his friend instead of just cutting him out.

Just because the mutual friend is the most honest person you know does not mean he is not human and could have taken a conversation out of context. 

JessAndTrav

There was only one person that we sent an STD to that didn't get an invite, and we had a huge mutual falling out and had quit speaking entirely by that point.

I think it can be situational. Etiquette-wise, it is a no-no, but sometimes Emily Post lives in an ideal world.

jcamm11

You shouldn't have just taken the other guy's word for all this.  Have you never been misrepresented behind your back?  Your FI should be an adult and talk to his friend if he was upset about something.  Passive agressively not inviting him to the wedding is a total teenage girl move.  This isn't bad wedding etiquette, it's bad life etiquette.

marinabreeze

I agree with most PPs.  It doesn't matter if the person who told you is super-trustworthy.  You've never been in a situation where someone misunderstood what you or another friend said? 

Your FI should man up and talk to the friend himself and see if he really feels that way.  If he doesn't, invite him, if he does, don't invite him.

Beachy730

Ditto the others that he should have gotten an invite.  However, if that was completely true and the friendship had ended, then I can understand not sending the invite, and it surprises me that the guy would even ask about it.

SirJuliusVonHaast

I think FI should call the guy and say something along the lines of "The truth is, we didn't send your invitation yet because so and so told me that you said I'm not welcome to come around anymore, and I thought that meant that you wouldn't want to hear from me with the invitation"

Then he can see what the story is, and get the correct address if he decides to still send it.