Wedding Etiquette Forum

tough situation....

hi ladies :)  I'm new to the board, and I wanna say, thank goodness for this board!

This is the situation I have been struggling with.  My FMIL is a lesbian.  She has been with her partner for 14 years, and has been more of a "father" figure in my FI's life than his dad.  He didn't even meet his real dad until he was 8 years old.  My FI wants his moms partner to be one of the groomsman(groomswoman?)  and I'm okay with that.  My situation is, I don't know how to address them as his "parents" without saying "hi, this is my future mother in law, and she's gay".  I want to include them on the invitation, but they aren't paying for anything besides the rehearsal dinner.  I know that ettiquite says that I don't need to mention them on the invitation, but I'd like them to feel included.  I think that my FMIL's partner would feel left out if I don't mention her on the invitation, but I don't know how to word it so that it's not in everyones face.

Sorry if that's confusing.  Anyone have any ideas as to how to address this situation?
Anniversary

Re: tough situation....

  • <p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:e27a21e6-a582-4fe6-a4eb-2e5ca2c79e52">tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]hi ladies :)  I'm new to the board, and I wanna say, thank goodness for this board! This is the situation I have been struggling with.  My FMIL is a lesbian.  She has been with her partner for 14 years, and has been more of a "father" figure in my FI's life than his dad.  He didn't even meet his real dad until he was 8 years old.  My FI wants his moms partner to be one of the groomsman(groomswoman?)  and I'm okay with that.  My situation is, I don't know how to address them as his "parents" without saying "hi, this is my future mother in law, and she's gay".  I want to include them on the invitation, but they aren't paying for anything besides the rehearsal dinner.  I know that ettiquite says that I don't need to mention them on the invitation, but I'd like them to feel included.  I think that my FMIL's partner would feel left out if I don't mention her on the invitation, but I don't know how to word it so that it's not in everyones face. Sorry if that's confusing.  Anyone have any ideas as to how to address this situation?
    Posted by kwrecks[/QUOTE]

    Have they done a committment ceremony or anything similar to a wedding?  Most people don't honor long-term SO's on an invite unless they are married.  I'm assuming you would write something like

    Bride's parents
    request...
    Bride
    &
    Groom
    Son of.....

    Which to me is for the parents only, or step-parents if married.  You could just put the mom's name on the invite if you want, or skip the names on the invite and honor them in the program.  How does your FI feel about the invites? </p>
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  • they haven't had any committment ceremony or anything.  I'm pretty sure my FI wants both names on the invitation.  I did think of saying "karen and cody, along with their parents......) but my mom didn't seem too happy about that becuase she felt like she was getting looked over in the invitation.  blahhh.....I should just not put anyone in the invitation except me and my FI!  :)
    Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:84bcf096-9240-44de-876b-e4bb96d9136f">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry. <strong> You cannot put your FI's Mom's partner on the invitation.  She would qualify as a step parent, and they are not usually on the invitation by name.</strong>  You could put his Mother's name and his Father's name, but not the step parent.  This rule applies regardless of the sex of the persons involved.  The only exception would be if the step parent had legally adopted your FI. You can honor your FMILs partner in the program, if you wish.  It is bad manners to announce the sexual preference of any person, whether gay or straight.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    Traditionally, step parents are included ONLY if they played a principal role in RAISING the bride/groom.  It sounds like that's the case here, and of course she CAN include the partner.  There's no law forbidding it.  Your wording choices are so black and white, when clearly the situation is grey. 

    Honestly, just include their names.

    Mr. and Mrs. Bride Dad Last
    request the pleasure of your company
    at the marriage of their daughter

    Miss Bride Middle Last
    to
    Mr. Groom Middle Last

    son of Ms. Groom Mom Last
    Ms. Partner Last

    Saturday, the eighth of May
    two thousand ten
    at half after five o'clock in the afternoon

    Venue Name
    Address
    City, State
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    Married: 2010
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    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • If your parents are financing the wedding, then you need to spare your mom's feelings and name her on the invite.  If they are not, then you can choose to do what you want, but you may still want to name your parents to keep the peace.  In that case, I'd name Fi's parents as well.

    "Mr and Mrs Brides parents
    request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter
    Bride
    to
    Groom
    Son of
    Mr Groom's Dad, Mrs/Ms Groom's Mom and Mrs/Ms Groom's Mom's Partner"

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:84bcf096-9240-44de-876b-e4bb96d9136f">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Sorry.  You cannot put your FI's Mom's partner on the invitation. </strong> She would qualify as a step parent, and they are not usually on the invitation by name.  You could put his Mother's name and his Father's name, but not the step parent.  This rule applies regardless of the sex of the persons involved.  The only exception would be if the step parent had legally adopted your FI. You can honor your FMILs partner in the program, if you wish.  It is bad manners to announce the sexual preference of any person, whether gay or straight.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>Emily Post may raise from the grave and kick my butt for saying this, but I disagree. I think that dramageek suggested a very appropriate compromise that should spare all feelings and accommodate all parties.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:106aca42-19a8-4bfd-aa05-1c8a752985aa">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think having Son of Ms. Mom's name and Ms. Mom's SO would be nice on the invitation.  It includes both pertinent parties and makes no unnecessary references to overly personal information about your FI's family structure.  It simply references who raised our FI.
    Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]


    Son of Ms. and Ms. is fine if they consider themselves married.  If they don't, I'd say

    Son of Ms. Mom
    Ms. Partner

    That would be how unmarried biological parents would be treated. 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • My FI's mom has a life partner (who happens to be a man, but they aren't married) and so we put the names of all "parents" including teh partner, before ours on the invite:

    brides's mom, bride's dad & groom's mom, groom's mom's partner &

    Bride & Groom

    invite you....
    Don't let anyone tell you you aren't allowed to include anyone you love on your invite.  Make it work for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:b3c5569b-c974-4e49-8a73-813f2b944494">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: tough situation.... : Traditionally, step parents are included ONLY if they played a principal role in RAISING the bride/groom.  It sounds like that's the case here, and of course she CAN include the partner.  There's no law forbidding it.  Your wording choices are so black and white, when clearly the situation is grey.  Honestly, just include their names. Mr. and Mrs. Bride Dad Last request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter Miss Bride Middle Last to Mr. Groom Middle Last son of Ms. Groom Mom Last Ms. Partner Last Saturday, the eighth of May two thousand ten at half after five o'clock in the afternoon Venue Name Address City, State
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>This. Exactly.</div>
    image
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  • First off, I don't introduce my FMIL as straight ever...so...gay is not necessary, it is 2010, if you say "and her partner..." people will understand without needing it spelled out. If she helped raise him and your FI wants her on it, then there is your answer! 

    Also, I think step parents are 100% allowed on the invites! They married your parents! Hello?! They are totally in your life!

    Gah. They are gay, not diseased.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:84bcf096-9240-44de-876b-e4bb96d9136f">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry. <strong> You cannot put your FI's Mom's partner on the invitation. </strong> She would qualify as a step parent, and they are not usually on the invitation by name.  You could put his Mother's name and his Father's name, but not the step parent.  This rule applies regardless of the sex of the persons involved.  The only exception would be if the step parent had legally adopted your FI. You can honor your FMILs partner in the program, if you wish.  It is bad manners to announce the sexual preference of any person, whether gay or straight.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I really think you are wrong. If the step parent was a parent (like here) it is appropriateto put them on the invite. Personally, I think it is incredibly rude to leave her off.

    Planning Bio
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    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • CMGr, who does it hurt if they ARE honored on the invite?
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    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • I like Squirrly's suggestion of:

    son of Ms. Mom
    Ms. Mom's Partner

    Although I'd probably be more inclined to do:
    son of Ms. Mom and Ms. Mom's Partner

    if they consider themselves effectively a married couple, which it sounds like they do.

    I think it's nice that your FH wants to include her.

    I see no reason to include the dad as someone suggested earlier since it sounds like your FH doesn't have any real relationship with his father so there would be no reason to honor him on the invitation.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:b1a98b05-d02e-408c-a8c6-b617a1701293">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE] Until very recently, the grooms parents were never included on the invitation.  It is not a slight to them, or a case of "leaving them off".  It is more a question of why should they be on an invitation to a party which they are not hosting. I do admire how you are trying to please everyone.  Maybe this is a time for traditional etiquette to save some feelings.  I repeat, his parents should be honored - just not on the invitation.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    "Very recently" is a bit subjective. My parents were married in 1962 -- 48 years ago -- and my father's parents were included on the invitation under "son of" so it's not like it's some crazy idea that just started 5 years ago or something. I think it's possible that Jewish invitations did do that long before other kinds of invitations (and my parents are both Jewish), but still, it's hardly some crazy new fad.

    I also don't understand whose feelings would be "saved." Her FH wants them both on the invitation. Who's going to be hurt if they're both included under "son of"?
  • edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:b3c5569b-c974-4e49-8a73-813f2b944494">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    IMO, who cares about tradition or etiquette? These are <em>your</em>invitations so do what you and FI are most comfortable with. I like the way Squirrly layed it out though. If his dad's going to be there, and if FI would like to include him, generally the male come first so just add his name before his mom's name but definitely put his mom's name before her significant other! As far as how to add all 3, if you have room you can put the father on one line and mother/partner on the next.

    [QUOTE]Mr. and Mrs. Bride Dad Last
    request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter
    Miss Bride Middle Last
    to
    Mr. Groom Middle Last
    son of
    Ms. Groom Mom Last Ms. Partner
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    It all really comes down to who you want to honor on the invitations and what you two feel the most comfortable doing. Traditions have to start somewhere and etiquette changes as new situations arise.
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  • squirrlysquirrly member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:655b6abc-458a-4819-bcbb-def04477ede8">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: tough situation.... : IMO, who cares about tradition or etiquette? These are your invitations so do what you and FI are most comfortable with. I like the way Squirrly layed it out though. If his dad's going to be there, and if FI would like to include him, <strong>generally the male come first so just add his name before his mom's name</strong> but definitely put his mom's name before her significant other! As far as how to add all 3, if you have room you can put the father on one line and mother/partner on the next. It all really comes down to who you want to honor on the invitations and what you two feel the most comfortable doing. Traditions have to start somewhere and etiquette changes as new situations arise.
    Posted by 2012JulyBride[/QUOTE]

    That is incorrect.  Invitations, like doors, follow the "ladies first" rule.  Bride before Groom, and Mom before Dad.
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    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • I would just talk with your mother. The easiest way all around is "Together with their parents" And then honor all of the parents in the program. I'm sure your mother will understand that you've got a sticky situation. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:84bcf096-9240-44de-876b-e4bb96d9136f">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry.  You cannot put your FI's Mom's partner on the invitation.  She would qualify as a step parent, and they are not usually on the invitation by name.  You could put his Mother's name and his Father's name, but not the step parent.  This rule applies regardless of the sex of the persons involved.  The only exception would be if the step parent had legally adopted your FI. You can honor your FMILs partner in the program, if you wish.  It is bad manners to announce the sexual preference of any person, whether gay or straight.
    <p>Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]</p><p>Sorry, but you can kiss the floor.  My parents and my FI's parents are divorced.  I put my step parents on the invite, and I can't stand my step mom but she is married to my dad he loves her the end! </p><p> </p><p>Sorry for my out rage! But I can't stand people like that, they don't understand the situations that people can be in. This is what I did:</p><p> </p><p>The parents of (My name), J____ & G_____ ________ and L______ & T______ __________  are proud to annouce the marriage of their daughter to (FI's name) son of D____ _________ and I____ _________</p><p> </p><p>I put my mom first after the 'and' before my step dad.  I hope this helps.  I found just making it as I went was the best.  Because so many people don't understand "different" situations.  I hope it works out for you.</p>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:84bcf096-9240-44de-876b-e4bb96d9136f">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sorry.  You cannot put your FI's Mom's partner on the invitation.  She would qualify as a step parent, and they are not usually on the invitation by name.  You could put his Mother's name and his Father's name, but not the step parent.  This rule applies regardless of the sex of the persons involved.  The only exception would be if the step parent had legally adopted your FI. You can honor your FMILs partner in the program, if you wish.  It is bad manners to announce the sexual preference of any person, whether gay or straight.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    What's with this "cannot" business? Technically, she CAN do whatever she wants, but it may not be proper etiquette. And it's "sexual orientation," FYI.

    OP, I might recommend the wording that we went with (pics of invitation in planning bio), which was:

    Poli's Dad & Poli's Mom
    with
    Mr. Poli's Dad & Mr. Poli's Mom
    invite you to share in the joy... etc.

    It made my parents stand out as hosts but also named DH's parents because they've played important roles in our lives. I think that there's a bit of room for change in invitation wordings, especially since most of it hasn't changed to catch up with modern families and changing notions of gender. For example, even thought it was improper, I addressed all invitations to Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith, not Mr. & Mrs. John Smith, because I really dislike the latter. Nobody died as a result.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:ba91c18e-6c2c-41c7-affb-8a22dcbde053">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: tough situation.... : That is incorrect.  Invitations, like doors, follow the "ladies first" rule.  Bride before Groom, and Mom before Dad.
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    I can't say I've ever seen Mrs. and Mr. Lady's first/last. I believe it's been Mr. and Mrs. Male's first/last. If you can site me where the general rule is Mrs. and Mr. I'm sure my feminist friend would LOVE to see that!
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  • elorgwheeelorgwhee member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c778ed76-0143-4c2c-9503-11e2092db055Post:b1a98b05-d02e-408c-a8c6-b617a1701293">Re: tough situation....</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think that there is an easy answer to this one.  Why does you FI feel so strongly about his parents being on the invitation?  Traditionally, the invitation is issued by the host, in this case, the bride's parents.  The invitation is not a list of who raised anybody.  It is an invitation to a ceremony and a party.  The family honors should be given at the reception .  I would expect your FI to speak, thanking his parents.  Since wedding programs are now popular, this is another good place to honor his family. Until very recently, the grooms parents were never included on the invitation.  It is not a slight to them, or a case of "leaving them off".  It is more a question of why should they be on an invitation to a party which they are not hosting. I do admire how you are trying to please everyone.  Maybe this is a time for traditional etiquette to save some feelings.  I repeat, his parents should be honored - just not on the invitation.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I'm with CMGr on this one.

    If you're paying for your own wedding, then it's not necessary to mention ANY of your parents' names - even though you could if you really wanted, and word it anyway that you please.

    However, it's just the invitation and not expected, and it sounds like you're going WAY out of your way and stressing yourselves out to honor people at an inappropriate time.  Unless you're foregoing the program, I think it'd be far more flattering and memorable there.  Afterall, when you go to weddings, are you more likely to keep the invitation or the program as a keepsake?
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  • Is her name a name that could be mistaken for a man's name?? I know men named Ashley, Tracey, etc. if it is, just put

    bridesdad and bridesmom maidenbane invite you to the marriage of their daughter
    Bride
    to
    Groom
    son of groomsmom lastname and partner lastname 
  • I think what we'll probably end up doing is just saying "Karen and Cody, along with their parents, invite you.....".  That way no one gets left out technically, and then we can honor everyone in the program.

    Thanks for your help ladies and sorry about all the commotion!
    Anniversary
  • Rather than "along with their parents" you might consider "together with their families". 
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    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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