Siblings and small wedding

panuskavm

My FI and I are planning a small intimate ceremony and reception.  He and I both have siblings we have never really gotten along with.  Are we required to invited these siblings to our ceremony just because they are blood?  Just to give you the reasons I don't want my brother there;  He has had drug and drinking problems, used to beat the h*** out of me when he was coming off of a high, and now whenever he sees me, feels the need to ask me when I am going to give our parents grandchildren.  When his daughter and son were born, my parents chose to forget everything he had ever done, and treat him like the golden child they have always treated him as, but I can't forget.  I stil have major trust issues because of everything.  We can be civil around one another, but it is very awkward.  Do I have to invite him, his gf, and two children?

sarabellam

Do you have to invite them? No. Will it cause a possibly irreconcilable rift in your family? I don't know about yours, but it sure would in mine. Are you prepared to deal with the fallout, with the knowledge that your parents will more than likely choose sides as well?

Ghoti

Are you inviting other siblings and excluding him or are you looking to not invite any siblings at all? You can draw the line at no siblings for an intimate wedding. Is not inviting your brother going to create unnecessary drama?

I have a half brother and half sister who I talk once a year, when I call to remind them to call our dad for his birthday. If we were having a wedding down the street from their house, they *might* take the time to see it. But seeing as our wedding is across the country, I just didn't invite them. But I know they wont notice or care, so it's not a big deal. Your parents might not like you not inviting their "golden boy", so if they are paying you might find some issues there.

kcscejal

I wouldn't say you HAVE to, but I personally would.  I imagine it would cause way more family drama to not invite them than it would to just invite them.  Keeping the peace would be worth it to me.

bethsmiles

That depends, do you want to have any sort of relationship with him now or in the future? Do you want to have any sort of relationship with his children?

If the answer is yes, then you need to invite them. If the answer is no then you don't have to invite them but be prepared to completely end any relationship you had with him or his family. And it will probably piss off your parents so you will have to deal with that too. In all honesty it's probably going to be more stress, drama, and headaches if you don't invite them. But it's up to you.

lyndausvi

This really varies from family to family.

I would not want to invite him.   But if I still spent holidays with him, then I would more than likely go ahead invite him.

achiduck

I would discuss this with your parents and get their opinions about it, especially if they're paying for all, or a significant chunk of the wedding.

panuskavm

I am sure my parents will have something to say about it, but they are not paying for the wedding.  At least, if they are, they haven't told me. My sister became engages less than one week after I did, so two at a time, highly doubtful. 
to lynda - I don't spend any holidays with him, not intentionally. He just happens to be there when I get there.  My parents don't even bother to let me know if he is coming.
to beth - I don't really have much of a relationship with him. What relationship we have is very strained.  The only time I see him or his children is at a family function, maybe 3 or 4 times a year. From what my mother tells me of his children, they are badly behaved spoilt children. His daughter, who I think is 3 or 4, screams at the top of her lungs when she doesn't get her way and hits frequently.
to ghoti - I am one of three children. I am inviting my sister. We have a decent enough relationship, but we get along. Her and my brother can't even be in the same room together.  Another problem. They are unable to be civil to eachother.  My FI is unsure if he is going to invite any of his siblings.  Possibly his brother, a definit NO on one of his sisters, the other two sisters he and I are undecided on.  His youngest sister just moved to WA state, so she may refuse to come back to MD. She left to get away from the craziness that is his family.

I just don't know what to do.  I know both of our parents will throw fits. But neither of them are going to contribute to the wedding. But with the drama that could arise at the wedding with them there, it could be better not to have them there.

lyndausvi

then I would be inclined not to invite him.

Ghoti

Have a sit-down with your parents, talk to them rationally. Tell them that you simply don't want to deal with the drama that comes with inviting your brother, and you need their support on the matter. 

What about having a destination wedding where you know he wont put out the money to go anyway?

panuskavm

We are thinking about western MD, which is about a 3 hour drive from baltimore. he doesnt have a car or his license, but I am sure my parents would bring him. How, not sure as they have a small car that can only seat 5. But they would. I am going to have to make the 45 minute drive to their place and talk things out with them.

Thank you all for your advice. This is a sticky subject and I need all the help I can get.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I hope you're not offended by this, but have talked to a therapist about your relationship with your brother? That might help you to move past it, since you DO in fact see him every so often.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Personally, I would not invite anyone who had ever beaten me physically, no matter what drama it would cause. Well . . . if he got clean and tried to make amends for it, then I would consider it, but it doesn't sound like that has happened. 

achiduck

Well since your parents aren't paying for the wedding, then ultimately the decision lies with you and your FI. 

I also would like to ditto Merymac in saying that perhaps you should talk to a counselor/therapist about your relationship with your brother. I had a hard time with mine for most of my adolescent life. Mind you, he didn't beat me but it was pretty hostile for a lot of years. I talked to a therapist about it and it really helped me. 

blush64

In my family I think it would cause too much drama and hassle to not invite them. I would just invite them and deal with it.

If he is dangerous to be around I would say you shouldn't have him at your wedding. If he would cause no threat then you could just let him attend.

As another PP has suggest, maybe talking to a professional would be good to deal with your feelings whether he is invited or not.


EDIT

firsttimersluck

i don't believe in the whole "blood" reasons. My sister is certainly going to be there but I invited my dad/step mom without inviting my step sister, frankly becase my step sister is a bitch. I would invite my step bro if he weren't deployed though. Does that make ME a bitch? maybe. But it's my day and I want people that genuinely LOVE me and my fiance to be there to celebrate.
Some people might be a little offended, but so what? Youahve your reasons. If it's really an issue say "hey it's a tiny wedding so we only invited the few people my FI and i are BOTH close to."
You may still get some eyebrows, but  it doesn't sound like you'll regret NOT inviting him, which always leaves the door open to regret for inviting him.