vent about kids at the wedding

TheShadyYvonne

*sigh* I really don't want kids at our wedding.  we're paying what I think is a lot of money and I'd like everyone to enjoy themselves and have a good time - not focus on running around after little kids.  The venue is a winery - so that's not the most child friendly place anyway.

Probably not the most polite thing...but - we added a little insert when we sent our invitations saying that it was an adult ceremony/reception at a winery and that we'd prefer if folks made arrangements ahead of time etc.  We also said that we understood that not everyone could make arrangements, but that they should feel free to contact us and we'd help with arrangements locally - at a place very close to the venue.  We also made sure to address the invites only to the parents - no "and family"

 

 

My cousin's wife just called...and she’s like...what about kid’s I’m like...well - we can arrange babysitting services here the day of the wedding etc so you can go and enjoy yourself...

 

She’s like...well...because we have a live in nanny - our kid's never gone to daycare - no one but the nanny, and her and her husband have ever watched their 16 month old.  She said - he will just cry and cry and freak out at anyone else.

 So she proceeds to see if there was just a place that she could stand nearby to watch the ceremony and then leave after.

 

 it was suuuper awkward - cause I just don’t want kids - period.i tried to explain that there really wasn’t any where to go hide and it’s like...I just don’t want children there.

 

 *sigh* I feel like some horrible mean person...but...i can’t' make exceptions for one person since there are other people with kids.

 

 aack

 

lindseyann410

If she has a live-in nanny, why can't the nanny watch the kid while she and her husband are at the wedding?

TheShadyYvonne

she "cannot" leave the baby at home for that long since they are planning on coming for 5 days or so is what she said.  i dont remmeber why - but there was some reason she said that the nanny couldnt travel with them too

NicoleSahara

Then you say, "I understand the predicament that puts you in. We'll miss you at the wedding."

aurianna

Shouldn't have put the insert. Especially if you said "prefer"... since that opens it up. But what's done is done.

Just making sure.... your wedding isn't 5 days is it??? She's just choosing to stay at the winery that long?

I'm assuming the ceremony is on private property? If it's not, I don't think you can actually tell her she can't bring her child to the ceremony, but I'm assuming it's private.

I actually think it's really sweet that she wants to see the ceremony and is willing to skip the party part as to not bring her child to your reception... but if you bend for her you're going to set a precedent, so I say stick to your guns. You're sorry but you can't accomodate the child... you hope she can still make it but you understand if she can't.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:vent about kids at the wedding:[QUOTE]Then you say, quot;I understand the predicament that puts you in. We'll miss you at the wedding.quot; Posted by NicoleSahara[/QUOTE]
This.

How old is this kid, 16 months did you say?

runpipparun

Be glad she didn't also throw in, "We can't leave little Jimmy. It's a safety issue. You just need to invite Nanny and PAY FOR HER EXPENSES, TOO." (I despise you, FSIL.)

TheShadyYvonne

i know...it was really sad that we had to figure out a way with the insert thing and i know it came off as snotty...i just dind't know what else to do - ( folks in my fam i guess didn't understand the concept of an adult ceremony/reception.  i dont know if that's a culture thing or what's the deal).  Several people we invited still don't understand that if the invitation is addressed to them - its only for them, not for their kids or other friends of theirs non SO or people they are dating)...we've already had people ask about brining ranom people..someone asked about brining their co worker..ugh

sorry i mispoke - the insert read:  

The venue is a winery and we will be having an adult only ceremony and reception. We want all parents attending to enjoy themselves. Please make prior arrangements.  We do understand that not everyone can make arrangements for child care for this day. We will assist with child care arrangements locally in Oregon for the day of the wedding. *Please Note* it may not be on-site at the venue.  Should you need assistance, please contact us.

Children are welcome to the Barbeque on Sunday the 26^th.

i trully hope that's not as bad as it seems.  theres a huuuge cultural  divide for my family..and i tried so hard to put things in a way that both families would figure out the plan

the wedding is on a sat and then we're having a bbq the next day so folks can mingle longer since the venue closes at 10pm on sat.  the bbq is totally optional though since folks are travelling from out of town.  it's up to them if they'd like to come or not.  the winery will be closed to the public for the day of the wedding - so i dunno if its a private property or not..?

her baby is 16 months old

michellesean

What I'm planning on doing is calling the people who have small children (under 15) and telling them that because the reception is going to be on a yacht, the it will be adult only, that way parents can relax, drink, have a good time and not be chasing after their kids.  Also only one particular relative has terrible terrible children who I can see pushing another kid off the boat or stabbing them with butterknives or something.  The only kids allowed are the ones who were in the wedding because FL is coming from other side of the country and RB lives almost an hour away from where the wedding will be.  This has been done before in my family so the only person who might have an issue with this is my drama loving relative with the terrible children.  One of my cousin's had a line that said adult only reception, which is supposed to be a faux pas, but I dont think anybody cared. 

Like everyone has said, if having kids is really going to be an issue for you, stick to your guns and enforce the rule for everyone.  In the end it is you and your hubby's day. 

psychvet

Its your wedding! If you don't want kids, then stick to it, and keep it adult only. I personally don't want kids at my wedding either, except my nephew. All of the parents that are invited NEVER pay attention to their kids when they take them somewhere. I unfortunately don't have a good excuse for keeping my wedding adult only. At least you can say its a 21 and up only event because its at the winery. Stick to your guns and have your day, the way that you want. 

psychvet

Its your wedding! If you don't want kids, then stick to it, and keep it adult only. I personally don't want kids at my wedding either, except my nephew. All of the parents that are invited NEVER pay attention to their kids when they take them somewhere. I unfortunately don't have a good excuse for keeping my wedding adult only. At least you can say its a 21 and up only event because its at the winery. Stick to your guns and have your day, the way that you want. 

aurianna

I think if it's closed to the public for your event then it would be up to you to decide who could be there or not (unlike at a church where anyone is allowed to show up).

You already know the insert is against etiquette so there's no need to harp on it. It is nice to at least give people options and let them know what's what.

I can see a mother being reluctant to trust a 16 month old with an unknown sitter. You might just need to face the reality that either they won't come and/or she could have hurt feelings over it.
But if you cave for her, you're going to feel pressured to cave to anyone with children at or inside that relationship circle (and first cousin's children is already a pretty wide circle).

So I'd get your curteous but firm face on...

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:a5df195d-112d-49a2-951f-93f799d3cbe6">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]What I'm planning on doing is calling the people who have small children (under 15) and telling them that because the reception is going to be on a yacht, the it will be adult only, that way parents can relax, drink, have a good time and not be chasing after their kids. [/QUOTE]
ooooh... I wouldn't say all that when you call. You're presuming that being without their kids will make them more happy and relaxed. Not only could some find it insulting, it might open it up to "oh, well if you don't want them there for my sake, don't worry! I definitely want them there so I'll bring them."

Address the invites to just who is invited. Call them and tell them adults only <em>only </em>after they've wrongly RSVPd with their kids or they ask you specifically. And even then tell them the invite was only for the parents, sorry for the confusion, hope they can still come, thanks!

It's just best not to give reasons. Then people have no opportunity to try to worm their kids in around your "reason".

TheShadyYvonne

thank you y'all...it's def a tough place to be in.  i have to say ...all the wedding planning has been super easy - the hard part has been dealing with our guests and how to put things into pc terms for what we did and didn't want...yikkkes

pomundson0

The only kids invited to ours are the ones in the actual wedding party.  I made sure the invitations were addressed to just the parents, and when they RSVP on the website, the only names listed are those I put in, they can't add names. 

I posted this on another thread, I'll share it here too.  My officiant put on her facebook page a link to something called Nuptual Nannies, do a google search and see if there's something like that in your area.  They're trained and certified and all that good stuff.  I personally see no issue wanting an adult reception at a winery of all places, as long as the kiddos are in good hands

vbandell

Your not a horrible person! This is what you want and what you asked for. You are always going to have someone who thinks they are an exception to the rules but you just need to be straight forward and say that this is a adult only event.

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:a5df195d-112d-49a2-951f-93f799d3cbe6">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>What I'm planning on doing is calling the people who have small children (under 15) and telling them that because the reception is going to be on a yacht, the it will be adult only, that way parents can relax, drink, have a good time and not be chasing after their kids.</strong>  Also only one particular relative has terrible terrible children who I can see pushing another kid off the boat or stabbing them with butterknives or something.  The only kids allowed are the ones who were in the wedding because FL is coming from other side of the country and RB lives almost an hour away from where the wedding will be.  This has been done before in my family so the only person who might have an issue with this is my drama loving relative with the terrible children.  One of my cousin's had a line that said adult only reception, which is supposed to be a faux pas, but I dont think anybody cared.  Like everyone has said, if having kids is really going to be an issue for you, stick to your guns and enforce the rule for everyone.  In the end it is you and your hubby's day. 
Posted by michellesean[/QUOTE]

This is a very rude plan.

Here's how to not invite kids:
1. Address the invitation to Mr. & Mrs. Smith only.
2. On the RSVP card, you can say <u>2</u> seats have been reserved in your honor, to attempt to head off any potential misinterpretation of who Mr. & Mrs. Smith means. Or even fill out the RSVP card with the names for them.

It is <u>rude</u> to put inserts in the invitation the way OP did.

The only time it warrants a phone call is if you get an RSVP back and the guest has indicated that she plans to bring her kiddos. Then you call and say, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only meant for you and John." If they start giving you a sob story about babysitters, or how I'll-never-ever-leave-my-child-with-someone-else is their strict parenting style, or start coming up with ideas to bend your rules, you respond with "I'm sorry - I understand that you don't want to leave Billy alone. <u>We'll miss you</u>."

Michelle, please don't be rude by calling your guests as soon as they get their invitation to give them a lecture about who you're not inviting and why. This is insulting to the people who will read the envelope and understand what it means.

[Deleted User]

If your cousin/wife have set up their lives such that they have a child that they can never leave with a babysitter, then they've elected not to attend events such as yours. No sympathy. She was really rude to call you up and try to argue with you when the invitation was abundantly clear.

I know it's against etiquette to indicate "no kids" on an invitation, but this just goes to show, some people just don't get it. Even when it's clearly spelled out.

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:cc269150-7944-4199-92b9-2edf7a1a0650">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If your cousin/wife have set up their lives such that they have a child that they can never leave with a babysitter, then they've elected not to attend events such as yours. No sympathy.</strong>
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

What wonderful wording to describe it!

megan8290

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:14e8caff-2bec-4255-9867-66e31c6c5716">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]i know...it was really sad that we had to figure out a way with the insert thing and i know it came off as snotty...i just dind't know what else to do - ( folks in my fam i guess didn't understand the concept of an adult ceremony/reception.  i dont know if that's a culture thing or what's the deal).  Several people we invited still don't understand that if the invitation is addressed to them - its only for them, not for their kids or other friends of theirs non SO or people they are dating)...we've already had people ask about brining ranom people..someone asked about brining their co worker..ugh sorry i mispoke - the insert read:   The venue is a winery and we will be having an adult only ceremony and reception. We want all parents attending to enjoy themselves. Please make prior arrangements.  We do understand that not everyone can make arrangements for child care for this day. We will assist with child care arrangements locally in Oregon for the day of the wedding. *Please Note* it may not be on-site at the venue.  Should you need assistance, please contact us. Children are welcome to the Barbeque on Sunday the 26 th . :( i trully hope that's not as bad as it seems.  theres a huuuge cultural  divide for my family..and i tried so hard to put things in a way that both families would figure out the plan the wedding is on a sat and then we're having a bbq the next day so folks can mingle longer since the venue closes at 10pm on sat.  the bbq is totally optional though since folks are travelling from out of town.  it's up to them if they'd like to come or not.  the winery will be closed to the public for the day of the wedding - so i dunno if its a private property or not..? her baby is 16 months old
Posted by TheShadyYvonne[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Just my opinion. If I receive a wedding invitation with that insert I wouldn't think it's snotty at all. I think it makes sense and I'm someone that is having kids at the wedding. Hopefully that'll make you feel a little better.

</div>

lily_721

We invited children but the cut off was only first cousin's children.  Yes, I was slightly crazy to have nine children as my bridal party.  We had all kinds of random requests from guests for their children.  Nope.  We had a cut off.

I'm sure other people's kids would have had a great time but I didn't know them and I wasn't paying for anymore kids -- I already had 20 cousin's kids.  We offered to have babysitters.  In the end, the parents all opted not to have the sitters and the kids had a blast.  One family preferred a sitter, they took care of it on their own.

Basically, no matter how generous you are, someone always wants more.  Pick what works best for you. 

Starfish0116

Don't make excuses, just own it. Tell her you are sorry, but you've chosen to have an adult only wedding and you understand it might not be convenient for her and she'll be missed if she can't make it.

This is coming from someone who is also having a kid-free wedding. I'm spending a fortune (to me anyway) on my wedding, and I just don't want kids there. I don't enjoy kids at a wedding, but as a wedding photographer I could possibly be a little jaded on that. In all my years rarely have I worked a wedding w/ kids that didn't have then running everywhere, yelling, rough housing, etc. It's not that they're being "bad", they're just being kids, and it's not what I want at my wedding. All of my friends are totally fine, and have already make arrangements (and invites haven't even been mailed...lol). 

I've got a couple of friends OOT that I'd love to see, but they have kids and it's a far distance. While I'd love to see them, I totally understand if it's not feasible for them, but I just can't (and won't) make an exception. 

Don't put anything in the invite. Address it to Mr & Mrs, and fill in the # of seats reserved for them. If they RSVP for more, THEN you can call them up and explain that the invite was for just the two of them.

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:2f37047b-ad41-42d2-81df-dd5f4b51c01e">vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]*sigh* I really don't want kids at our wedding.  we're paying what I think is a lot of money and I'd like everyone to enjoy themselves and have a good time - not focus on running around after little kids.  The venue is a winery - so that's not the most child friendly place anyway. Probably not the most polite thing...but - we added a little insert when we sent our invitations saying that it was an adult ceremony/reception at a winery and that we'd prefer if folks made arrangements ahead of time etc.  We also said that we understood that not everyone could make arrangements, but that they should feel free to contact us and we'd help with arrangements locally - at a place very close to the venue.  We also made sure to address the invites only to the parents - no "and family"     My cousin's wife just called...and she’s like...what about kid’s I’m like...well - we can arrange babysitting services here the day of the wedding etc so you can go and enjoy yourself...   She’s like...well...because we have a live in nanny - our kid's never gone to daycare - no one but the nanny, and her and her husband have ever watched their 16 month old.  She said - he will just cry and cry and freak out at anyone else.  So she proceeds to see if there was just a place that she could stand nearby to watch the ceremony and then leave after.    it was suuuper awkward - cause I just don’t want kids - period.i tried to explain that there really wasn’t any where to go hide :| and it’s like...I just don’t want children there.    *sigh* I feel like some horrible mean person...but...i can’t' make exceptions for one person since there are other people with kids.    aack  
Posted by TheShadyYvonne[/QUOTE]

 I am only having my son ( who will be 14) and my niece and my nephew at the wedding - niece and nephew will have no one to watch them - and they both have parts in the wedding - no other kids are invited - Every wedding I have ever been to the kids take over the dance floor or are little terrors running all over and the parents can't have fun - or other people can't dance for fear of knocking them over on the dance floor - so you are not the only that wants a kid free wedding... and the kids I will have will be fine

cjkostiuk

People say its rude to include an insert in the invitation. I disargee. We did not include a insert because I kept reading how it was bad etiquette, so I addressed the invitations to Mr and Mrs X. I didnt include "and family". You would seriously be shocked by how many guests rsvp'ed with thier kids. I honestly think you have to be straight forward and put that kindof information right on the invitation or on a insert. If I could do it again, our invitation would have an "Adult Only Reception" line on the bottom! 

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:305454bb-0e96-4e2a-b3a9-489f1314c6fd">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]People say its rude to include an insert in the invitation. I disargee. We did not include a insert because I kept reading how it was bad etiquette, so I addressed the invitations to Mr and Mrs X. I didnt include "and family". You would seriously be shocked by how many guests rsvp'ed with thier kids. I honestly think you have to be straight forward and put that kindof information right on the invitation or on a insert. If I could do it again, our invitation would have an "Adult Only Reception" line on the bottom! 
Posted by cjkostiuk[/QUOTE]
Hi. This is the etiquette board. We provide advice based upon proper etiquette. If you do not agree, that's your (bad) prerogative. However, do not think that we are wrong.

Simply Fated

Things like inserts and lines at the bottom of the invitation don't work. If they did, the OP wouldn't be in this predicament. People either can't read, don't read, don't care, or they think THEY are the exception to every rule.

DreamCLG7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-about-kids-at-the-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c868fab6-5141-4440-9322-1e20e5199886Post:7dacecbd-f83c-48e4-8bc7-01713f3d109c">Re: vent about kids at the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: vent about kids at the wedding : Hi. This is the etiquette board. We provide advice based upon proper etiquette. If you do not agree, that's your (bad) prerogative. However, do not think that we are wrong.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

i wouldn't say it's a "bad" prerogative. I think, as OP is experiencing, that sometimes you need to throw etiquette to the wind and do what's right for you. Etiquette may be cut-and-dried, but life is not.   

GunzNRoses213

I'm doing first cousins only. My cousin who is from Florida recently moved up here and the onlyp people they have to wacth their son is well family that would be at the wedding... So i opend it to my cousins who have kids and it's only about 5 or 6 kids total... That is it...

Many of my friends have kids... I have a 9 year old [ he is in the wedding ] ...But if i invite all of them it will be a romper room ...So if they would like to come and cant tear themselves away from their kids then sadly they wont be coming and I've already excepted it ...

PhoneCardLady

"we added a little insert when we sent our invitations saying that it was an adult ceremony/reception at a winery"

Isn't it a law that liquor/wine cannot be served unless you are 21 or older?

I'd stick to my guns...doesn't matter if the kid is 16 years old or 16 months old.

TheShadyYvonne

.its become painfully obvious that even the insert didn't work... i just got a text today from one of my cousins (over 21) saying that since his two brothers that i invited (20 and 21) couldnt make it since they were in school - that he and his parents would be bringing their youngest sister/daughter who is ..10... *sigh*

im like..you dont get to substitute guests...let alone underage kids 

I'm not lookingforward to the awkward phone call i have to make later today..

jmayinc

I understand where this post went..but I'm still stuck on a LIVE IN nanny not being able to watch the child even if it's for 5 days.....just odd. But stick to your guns and just explain adults only and like they said previously, state you'll miss her at the wedding if she cannot make it. Maybe reassuring her of the qualifications etc of the babysitting services you offer will put her more at ease.