Etiquette

3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???

This is both mine and my fiances 3rd marriage! He is considerably older than me (45, im 28) but i feel like before him, i hadnt even the slightest clue what love is when i thought i did. We are so very much in love. That being said, i dont know how to go about planning our wedding. We both have big jobs and it would be an insult not to invite certain people and weve kept the guest list down to 160 that we are not making changes to. we booked a reception site in manhattan and were getting married at the brooklyn botanical garden. But i dont know whether i should let my assistants throw me a bridal shower (they have been planning on thier own since i told them about my engagment) or if i should let my mom throw us an engamement party (which she has also been dying to do) or what the protocall is for this. i feel wierd having 4 bridesmaids even! can somebody help or give me advice? thanks :)

Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???

  • Ahh I love (the pics I've seen) of Brookelyn Botanical Gardens. I always dreamed of getting married there
  • It is very beautiful, but the people there are very strict! we had to pull many strings, arms, legs, and a lot of hair to just get seating at the cherryblossom site where we are getting married. haha
  • Since you both have been married 2 times before, I think you shouldnt accept any showers or parties. It would, IMO, come off as really gift grabby.
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  • Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    If I was your friend and invited to a 3rd shower I would judge.

    I also would not expect your guests to be giving you gifts.  At showers, engagement parties, the wedding, etc.  Especially since you will have had 3 weddings before you are 30.

    If I were in your position, I would decline any shower offers.
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  • I'm kind of curious as to when your last marriages were? If they were recently I would decline showers and parties. If they were a while ago, I don't know..I'd say got for it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:7f2422ca-42df-4577-a2d9-9a238c3f9103">3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is both mine and my fiances 3rd marriage! He is considerably older than me (45, im 28) but i feel like before him, i hadnt even the slightest clue what love is when i thought i did. We are so very much in love. That being said, i dont know how to go about planning our wedding. We both have big jobs and it would be an insult not to invite certain people and weve kept the guest list down to 160 that we are not making changes to. we booked a reception site in manhattan and were getting married at the brooklyn botanical garden. But i dont know whether i should let my assistants throw me a bridal shower (they have been planning on thier own since i told them about my engagment) or if i should let my mom throw us an engamement party (which she has also been dying to do) or what the protocall is for this. i feel wierd having 4 bridesmaids even! can somebody help or give me advice? thanks :)
    Posted by imadeangirl[/QUOTE]
    How long ago were the other weddings?
    Would any of the guests from either side be the same as at the previous weddings and/or showers?
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

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  • I see roxy and I are sharing a brain again.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
    10000 Comments Eighth Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    I think I've just learned a lot for you and use the popular WWBS? (What would B say?)

    EDIT: A lot from you
  • Oooo, I like that term.    ;-)
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • It sounds nice eh? WWBS. Sounds pretty badass to me.
  • 3rd marriage at 28? wow. 

    i would decline any showers or parties at this point. 
  • I agree. I don't think showers are appropriate. If I were invited, I'd decline. Personally, I think it's in poor taste to throw a huge bash for a thrid wedding, and I think that covers having showers, registries, gifts, bridal parties, etc.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:996302bd-09c0-48ac-8917-f5e9e106be27">Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]3rd marriage at 28? wow.  i would decline any showers or parties at this point. 
    Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]
    I don't think it's really fair to judge anyone for a 3rd marriage without having all the facts.  
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:48691598-2cb6-4390-83d8-ac6ded2e0831">Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree. I don't think showers are appropriate. If I were invited, I'd decline. Personally, I think it's in poor taste to throw a huge bash for a thrid wedding, and I think that covers having showers, registries, gifts, bridal parties, etc.
    Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]
    brooksies is wise.
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  • Love the new pic Shelly!
    Photobucket
  • Eh, I can only tell you how I, as a 3rd-time bride, am acting.  You need to decide for yourself what's comfortable and appropriate.  This is my 3rd wedding, my fi's first.  I've declined all offers of showers and we're not registering anywhere.  We are, however, having a big party.  Fi wants a live band, all his college friends there, and his best friend at his side as a best man.  My only attendants are my 2 children.  Our ceremony will be short and not religious. 

    Two couples were at my previous wedding, and of course my siblings and my mother were at both prior weddings.  My mom is less than thrilled, frankly, but my siblings have all been very happy for me and looking forward to the celebration.  I do think, though, that had my fi been married before, they'd think this was over-the-top and wondered why we don't just j-o-p it.  But no one would begrudge him the party he wants just because I made bad decisions before, kwim? 

    Bottom line is, I guess, you need to  find your comfort zone.  We're irritating some people by not registering, but I really couldn't bring myself to do it.  Same with showers.  If it feels untoward, then don't do it.  If it feels okay, go ahead - if people are going to judge you for your prior marriages, they don't need to join in.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:5794af50-24f6-4763-88b4-623d01b8b37d">Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Love the new pic Shelly!
    Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]
    Thank you :)
    Photobucket
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:48691598-2cb6-4390-83d8-ac6ded2e0831">Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree. I don't think showers are appropriate. If I were invited, I'd decline. Personally, I think it's in poor taste to throw a huge bash for a thrid wedding, and I think that covers having showers, registries, gifts, bridal parties, etc.
    Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

    Agreed!
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  • God forbid I ever get married again, but if I do (by some freak of nature), I would elope.

    It would be my third wedding.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • I would politely tell people that you don't want any pre-wedding showers or parties.  You never have to have them, even if you've never been married before.  
  • I understand everyone saying that since this is your third wedding you should decline having anyone host a shower. However, if your coworkers (who might not have been to your other weddings) insist, that is their decision as long as you do not feel uncomfortable.
    September 2011 November Siggy Challenge: First Dance Photo (I still haven't uploaded all of my wedding pictures, so here's a picture of what happens when you mix me, my bridesmaids, a man who hates to dance, and an open bar). imageimage

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  • wow many replies over night!

    well, my first marriage was when i was 18, it was one of "those" mistake marriages that eneded shortly. i dont even really like to count it. my second marriage happened when i was 23 and we had 3 kids together. that ended when i was 26 due to infidelity and drinking problems with my former spouse.

    I have not registered for this wedding nor have i registered for any weddings that i have ever had and DO NOT expect any gift whatsoever, as my FI and i are already set up and living together.( i also thought it would be tacky because i have had a pretty high income job for a long time)

    My FI really doesnt seem to care what people think, he just wants to celebrate our love in any way. But he can be a little.... narssisitic at times and likes to be seen. haha i just think its funny. but he does want a big wedding. as he had eloped previously.

    I suppose this is what i am so confused about. i feel it is the right thing to decline my assitants and my mother to throw these low key parties for us and it may be a little too late to have one, but i dont want to dissapoint the man of my dreams, my prince charming :)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3rd-marriage-of-ettiquette-fo-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c89c1919-cfc4-4684-86e2-e433647aa756Post:bfd18412-a0f1-460b-8e09-595689e00e81">Re: 3rd marriage for both of us.... ettiquette fo this???</a>:
    [QUOTE]wow many replies over night! well, my first marriage was when i was 18, it was one of "those" mistake marriages that eneded shortly. i dont even really like to count it. my second marriage happened when i was 23 and we had 3 kids together. that ended when i was 26 due to infidelity and drinking problems with my former spouse. I have not registered for this wedding nor have i registered for any weddings that i have ever had and DO NOT expect any gift whatsoever, as my FI and i are already set up and living together.( i also thought it would be tacky because i have had a pretty high income job for a long time) My FI really doesnt seem to care what people think, he just wants to celebrate our love in any way. But he can be a little.... narssisitic at times and likes to be seen. haha i just think its funny. but he does want a big wedding. as he had eloped previously. I suppose this is what i am so confused about. i feel it is the right thing to decline <strong><u>my assitants</u></strong> and my mother to throw these low key parties for us and it may be a little too late to have one, but i dont want to dissapoint the man of my dreams, my prince charming :)
    Posted by imadeangirl[/QUOTE]

    Can you explain this?
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  • I assumed assistants = people who work for her. 
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  • I would suggest no showers or regular bach party but if some close friends want to take you out, I wouldn't refuse.  They would be doing to honor your upcoming wedding and not focusing on the past.  Nothing wrong with that.
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