Gift question

dcadiva

Hello!

Here's the situation. FH and I don't want gifts for ourselves. Instead, we would like people to donate money to a scholarship fund that the music association we belong to sponsors.

We have the info on our website, but we have a decent number of guests who do not have computers (including the FILs and my aunt and uncle).

My mother, FMIL and sister feel that in our case, we should indicate somewhere in the invitation something to the effect of "If you would like to give a gift, in lieu of gifts, consider a donation to the Scholarship Fund"

I know mentioning anything about gifts in an invitation is wrong, but I feel we have a weird situation with the fact that we have guests without computers (elderly guests) and there would be no way for them to know otherwise.

Thoughts or suggestions?

JessAndTrav

You never want to mention any giving of gifts on your invitations at all. This would be a time when you have to depend on word of mouth.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:244a787a-cd10-45b2-9d47-6c2f5376499e">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]You never want to mention any giving of gifts on your invitations at all. This would be a time when you have to depend on word of mouth.
Posted by JessAndTrav[/QUOTE]
This.

KBSK12

You're right, indicating anything about gifts (donation or otherwise) is poor etiquette.  I would use word of mouth for your elderly guests and include a card with your wedding website for those with computers. If people want to give you money and gifts, they will, so I would be prepared for that.  How will you know who donated so you can send thank yous? What if guests have interests that conflict with yours? (it's not like you are asking them to donate to Planned Parenthood or a political party, but still).

SparrowSong

It's not up to you to decide what people gift. You can put that recommendation out there via a website and word-of-mouth. But some people would still rather give YOU something. And you should smile and accept those gifts with grace. No matter what you circumstances are, you should not be giiving directions about gifts in an invitation.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:a2052a1b-777d-4629-b486-a5922c86bb88">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE] But some people would still rather give YOU something. And you should smile and accept those gifts with grace.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I meant to add something to this effect, and you have said my exact thought.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, TBH, I'd probably just give you a regular gift, because that is something that I really enjoy doing. I enjoy shopping for the gift, wrapping and giving it. I'm a gifty person.</div><div>
</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:0266175f-3dd3-4bcb-a816-be20847f5dd4">Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello! Here's the situation. FH and I don't want gifts for ourselves. Instead, we would like people to donate money to a scholarship fund that the music association we belong to sponsors. We have the info on our website, but we have a decent number of guests who do not have computers (including the FILs and my aunt and uncle). My mother, FMIL and sister feel that in our case, we should indicate somewhere in the invitation something to the effect of "If you would like to give a gift, in lieu of gifts, consider a donation to the Scholarship Fund"<strong> I know mentioning anything about gifts in an invitation is wrong, but I feel we have a weird situation with the fact that we have guests without computers (elderly guests) and there would be no way for them to know otherwise. Thoughts or suggestions?</strong>
Posted by dcadiva[/QUOTE]

Your situation isn't weird. Maybe I'm super old, but I remember a time before computers were the norm...

weddingmuse

Your wedding should not be confused with a fundraising dinner for your favorite charity.  If you wish to contribute to the scholarship fund, I suggest that you don't register for wedding gifts.  Then use any money you receive as wedding gifts towards your own donation to your cause. 

Summer2011Bride

Dont put anything about gifts or not giving gifts in your invitation. The only place where it's really "OK" to list registry info is on a wedding website.

I'm iffy on the donation thing too. Yes, I suppose you could put the suggestion out there if asked: "We don't have a registry, but are saving up money to donate to _______ insert charity." However, many people already support charities they believe in and many people will want to give YOU an actual gift so I wouldn't push the donation thing.

dcadiva

Thank you for your responses.

Of course, I would accept anything that anyone gives with grace, and I am prepared for that.

To the poster that asked how would we know who donated so that we could thank them, the scholarship fund only takes cash or checks, so I would imagine (I could be wrong) that guests would include a check or cash in their wedding cards with the notation on the check that it's for the fund. We would note who gave and write the notes thanking them for their donation. They will also get a receipt of their donation because it's tax-deductible.

To the poster that talked about how people may not want to give to something that they don't agree with, I understand what you mean. Folks have the freedom to give or not give. I know that instead of a Christmas gift, my employer donates money in our names to charities, and I dont like the fact that Salvation Army is one of those charities because of their views on people who are gay.

Which leads me to another dilemma...if people were to give us money and not designate that it's for the scholarship fund, would it be wrong if we gave that money to the scholarship fund as our donation? We're also donating to VH1 Save the Music Foundation in lieu of wedding favors.

Looks like I'll be writing an info sheet for the FMIL with the donation info so she can spread the word to FH's relatives who don't have computers. My mom can take care of my aunt. I had to write the hotel information for her already so she could book a room.

JessAndTrav

<div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:104e57f2-72cc-4961-b8ff-a09a7f559a55">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]Which leads me to another dilemma...if people were to give us money and not designate that it's for the scholarship fund, would it be wrong if we gave that money to the scholarship fund as our donation?
Posted by dcadiva[/QUOTE]
</div><div>
</div>I say if they give you money, it's up to you to do what you want with it.<div>
</div><div>ETA: Quote</div>

dcadiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:e922456f-df80-4344-8b06-3ca80b51ec64">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]Your wedding should not be confused with a fundraising dinner for your favorite charity.  If you wish to contribute to the scholarship fund, I suggest that you don't register for wedding gifts.  Then use any money you receive as wedding gifts towards your own donation to your cause. 
Posted by weddingmuse[/QUOTE]

I understand what you mean, even though you were a bit harsh in your response.

I should explain that FH and I are both heavily involved in high school marching band as former participants and current judges, and so are most of our guests. The scholarship fund is a scholarship for high school marching band members in the circuit that we judge. Given that our wedding and reception is based on the marching band activity, we figured that offering that as an option for the guests would fit in with the theme and would be appreciated by most of the guests because they're involved in the activity and understand the intent.

Oh, and we're not registered for gifts.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:52cb5a49-055b-4436-8c13-badad99d3a20">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gift question : I understand what you mean, even though you were a bit harsh in your response.[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't think she was trying to be rude. Don't take it personally. :)
<div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:52cb5a49-055b-4436-8c13-badad99d3a20">Re: Gift question</a>:
<div>[QUOTE] I should explain that FH and I are both heavily involved in high school marching band as former participants and current judges, and so are most of our guests. The scholarship fund is a scholarship for high school marching band members in the circuit that we judge. Given that our wedding and reception is based on the marching band activity, we figured that offering that as an option for the guests would fit in with the theme and would be appreciated by most of the guests because they're involved in the activity and understand the intent. Oh, and we're not registered for gifts.
Posted by dcadiva[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Although the majority of your guests would be on-board with the donations, you still shouldn't mention it on the invites, but all the more reason to spread the word from friend to friend.

</div></div>

RebeccaB88

Honestly, I would also consider having some kind of physical registry.  Lots of people aren't comfortable giving cash or donations as gifts. (I am one of them.)   You could end up with lots of random stuff that you don't need or isn't your style, simply because those people just don't give financial gifts.  I give gifts for the gift giver, not for anyone else, so I would appreciate some kind of guidance on what kinds of things you'd like to have, so I don't give you another picture frame or whatever to add to your pile.  There are also people who truly take offense to being told what to spend their money on, and will get you an equally offensive gift, just to make a point. 

angryangry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:104e57f2-72cc-4961-b8ff-a09a7f559a55">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for your responses. Of course, I would accept anything that anyone gives with grace, and I am prepared for that. To the poster that asked how would we know who donated so that we could thank them, the scholarship fund only takes cash or checks, so I would imagine (I could be wrong) that guests would include a check or cash in their wedding cards with the notation on the check that it's for the fund. We would note who gave and write the notes thanking them for their donation. They will also get a receipt of their donation because it's tax-deductible. To the poster that talked about how people may not want to give to something that they don't agree with, I understand what you mean. Folks have the freedom to give or not give. I know that instead of a Christmas gift, my employer donates money in our names to charities, and I dont like the fact that Salvation Army is one of those charities because of their views on people who are gay. Which leads me to another dilemma...if people were to give us money and not designate that it's for the scholarship fund, would it be wrong if we gave that money to the scholarship fund as our donation? We're also donating to VH1 Save the Music Foundation in lieu of wedding favors.<strong> Looks like I'll be writing an info sheet for the FMIL with the donation info so she can spread the word to FH's relatives who don't have computers. My mom can take care of my aunt. I had to write the hotel information for her already so she could book a room.</strong>
Posted by dcadiva[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, this situation is definitely not unique as far as not putting registry info in the invitations.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, the bolded part made me a little bit worried about what 'word of mouth' might mean to different people. To me it DEFINITELY means that you only give people the information if they specifically call someone (e.g., your mom) and ask where you are registered or what you want for a gift. You were probably already thinking this and will think I'm silly, but word of mouth definitely doesn't mean that you cold call people to give them the info. </div><div>
</div><div>I probably wouldn't be offended if you had the info on your wedding website (probably = not in bright flashing letters at the top of the first page, and not worded in a pushy way). </div>

hoffse

I'll be honest - I don't ever give cash, no matter what, at weddings.  So I would pick out something that I thought was a nice, though rather generic, gift.  If you don't want me to pick out a vase for you, it's better to make at least a small registry with gifts in different price points.

HockeyFan4

Not to "pile it on" for you...but you shouldn't do "donations in lieu of" either.  Just don't do favors.  People won't notice....and you and your new H can donate to the VH1 music fund on your own.

Charity should be a private thing, not thrown in people's faces.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-question-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8a2dec5-092e-48f4-90fe-a1b5bb7a2a21Post:aa311227-c0ed-4e66-ac9a-ae8e4d0631e8">Re: Gift question</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to "pile it on" for you...but you shouldn't do "donations in lieu of" either.  Just don't do favors.  People won't notice....and you and your new H can donate to the VH1 music fund on your own. Charity should be a private thing, not thrown in people's faces.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

I also have to agree with this. I don't even remember what the favors were at many (most even!) of the weddings I've been to. Properly hosting them is all the thank you they need. I would quietly donate this money. No need to make a show of it.

daveANDkristen

OP, if I were you I would not ask my guests to donate as a gift.  Just don't register (or make a very small registry for those that want to buy you a physical gift).  Most of your guests will probably give you money, and as PP said, you are free to do what you wish with that money - including donating it.

Knittibell

I feel that "in lieu of..." pretty much applies to flowers, and funerals.

I'd do a very small registry somewhere, very small- surely you can think of maybe ten things you and fi can use?  and put the information for the charity on your website. But I honestly think that is ALL you can do.

Don't put anything in your invites, and only mention the charity if specifically asked. Also, in this day and age, if a charity can't take a donation via the internet, and only accepts cash and checks, I'm probably not going to bother. Just being honest here.

You'll also have people who are old school and feel very strongly about giving you something. So head to Macy's, or whatever local department store is convienent for guests, pick out a new sheet set, a nice frame or two, maybe some new towels (animal shelters are always desperate for old sheets/towels/blankets/pillows)... whatever, but I'm absolutely certain you can find 10-20 items you can actually use.

As much as wedding gifts ARE about you, they're also NOT- many people like to spend the time to find that perfect THING that you'll have forever and use and remember was a gift from them on your wedding day.