Bridesmaid Choices...what to do

shaylem13

Hi ladies!

I just got engaged on Thanksgiving (so surprised!) so I'm kinda new at this.  I'm starting to contemplate my bridesmaid choices and have a few questions...

1) One of my bridesmaids, though I love her to pieces, clashes heads with a couple of the other girls (I know them all from college).  Is it okay to set ground rules after I ask her to be a bridesmaid i.e. be mellow, supportive of everyone, and no "I'm so fat" comments (she tends to do that a lot)?

2) My fiance is not very close with his sister, and consequently, am not very close with her either.  I want to include her in the ceremony and wedding as a whole, but not sure if I should ask her to be a bridesmaid or perhaps do a reading at the ceremony instead? Is it okay to NOT ask her to be a bridesmaid? I wouldn't want her to feel badly....

Please let me know your thoughts and thanks so much!!!

strlzfan11

Don't plan on asking your bridesmaids to be in your wedding until you're about 6-8 months from the wedding; relationships can change a lot in a few months and you'd probably hate being stuck with someone you asked too early if the friendship fizzles.  If the date in your profile is correct, then you don't need to ask until April.  But to answer your first question, it's rude to tell adults how to behave but if those type of comments come up you can say "It hurts my feelings when you make comments like that."  It takes the blame for any continued behavior off of you and places it where it belongs.

To answer your second question, you don't have to ask your FI's siblings to be in the wedding, but keeping them involved (like asking them to do a reading or something of the like) helps foster your relationship with them, because whether you like them or not, you're stuck with them from here on out and anything you can do to be the bigger person in the relationship should be done.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-choiceswhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c8ef76db-49ac-4d73-88c3-d82bde68b033Post:1564fef7-247e-4061-be78-649e024789ac">Bridesmaid Choices...what to do</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies! I just got engaged on Thanksgiving (so surprised!) so I'm kinda new at this.  I'm starting to contemplate my bridesmaid choices and have a few questions... 1) One of my bridesmaids, though I love her to pieces, clashes heads with a couple of the other girls (I know them all from college).  Is it okay to set ground rules after I ask her to be a bridesmaid i.e. be mellow, supportive of everyone, and no "I'm so fat" comments (she tends to do that a lot)? 2) My fiance is not very close with his sister, and consequently, am not very close with her either.  I want to include her in the ceremony and wedding as a whole, but not sure if I should ask her to be a bridesmaid or perhaps do a reading at the ceremony instead? Is it okay to NOT ask her to be a bridesmaid? I wouldn't want her to feel badly.... Please let me know your thoughts and thanks so much!!! :)
Posted by shaylem13[/QUOTE]

Don't give your BM's any rules or guildelines to follow.  Trust them to be adults and get along. 

Don't ask your FI's sister just for the sake of asking her.  He can have her stand on her side, or you can just ask her to do a reading or something.  H didn't have my brother as a GM, and I had never heard of mixed gender WP's before coming on here, so he walked my mom down the aisle and did a reading.  If you search through posts on the Moms & Maids and Wedding Party boards you will find quite a few brides who asked BMs out of obligation or guilt and heavily regret it now.

michaelandjulie2

1. If she is your friend, I wouldn't set "rules" about how she should behave. She is an adult and asking someone to be a BM should not come with stipulations. Hopefully when she is around the other BMs she try not to cause conflict, but I would stay of their relationships as much as possible. If I was told by my friends how to behave around her other friends, I would be really offended. I don't think that you want to offend your friend, so I wouldn't be laying out rules. 

2. It is fine not to ask your FI's sibling to be a bridesmaid if you are not close with her. If there is any fallout because of this with your future in-laws, your FI could ask her to stand on his side. If you really want to include her, asking her to do a reading might be nice. 

shoegal715

1) She's not 5 years old. She doesn't need "rules" or for you to tell her to behave.

2) Do not ask his sister if you aren't close with her / don't really want to ask her. Just have her read something at the ceremony. 

shaylem13

Wow...I really see what a problem I could have caused by setting guidelines...I didn't think about how I would feel had the shoe been on the other foot.  I'm so glad I asked! It's true, I just need to trust that adults will be adults! Thanks so much for your feedback (on both questions) ladies! I really really appreciate it...

NatandIsaac

Give it a few months before you ask anyone to be in your bridal party, and lurk on the Wedding Party board in the meanwhile. You will know how to avoid all of the common bridal party pitfalls. 

chrissyjake

I just read your proposal story and it's very sweet!  I love the pictures too!  My friend was there to get pictures right after my FI asked me (which he arranged), but sure would have loved pictures of my shocked face!  Congrats on your recent engagement!!!

shaylem13

Thanks Chrissyjake for the well-wishes! It's such an exciting time...and I'm already really grateful for these message boards!

 I don't intend to ask anyone to be in my wedding party for a few more months, but have started thinking about it so hearing everyone's opinions has been extremely helpful. 

Thanks again ladies! And best wishes to everyone!!!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

We asked my husbands sisters to do readings. One gets really nervous being in front of people, so that was more than enough for her. We also only had 6 people in our WP.

Calypso1977

dont ask your BM's until about 6-8 months out as others suggested.

also, if you *think* someone may be a PITA and cause you undue stress, dont ask them.  seriously.  go with your gut.  if you think they'll be that way, tehy probably will.  do yourself a favor and avoid the drama.

i wouldnt ask the sister if you arent close.

also, remember the costs associated with a WP.  folks usually dont think abotu this.  for every WP member you pick, that person needs a gift.  you also have to include them (and a date) for the rehearsal dinner.  you also have flowers, hair, makeup, etc.  definitely factor all of that into your budget.  you may want 5 bridesmaids, but 3 might be alot more affordable (or even 1!).