had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing

reallers

my husband and i were married in a courthouse because of his military obligations with the intention of having a "real" wedding when he returned home. . we told our family and friends our plans and everyone thought it was a great idea, execpt for my mother. she thinks we cant "have our cake and eat it too". i have read in some books that this is a huge no-no, but a lot of other say that times are changing and we can do our wedding in two parts without any breech of etiquette. what do you all think?

freebread03

Your mom is right.  You're already married and you don't ge a do-over.  Many couples get married via the courthouse or JOP because of military or other obligations.  It's fine to have a vow renewal (though I sort of think this type of thing should be reserved for 10-20-25-30 year anniversaries) or maybe a big celebration on your first anniversary (but no wedding dress, bridal party, registry, etc).  It's not a "wedding in two parts"--you're already married.  

BTW, many find it offensive that you wouldn't consider a courthouse wedding the "real thing" (as indicated by your subject line).  Particularly those women who DO get married at the courthouse or JOP.  I'm planning to go to the courthouse because it's what will work best for us, and it's unfortunate that you wouldn't consider this a real wedding (do you feel the same way about the marriage?  That it's not real until you do it with the white dress, etc?)

ggirl2001

You can have a vow renewal certainly, but you can't have another wedding, since you are already married.

That being said, some basic rules are to not lie to your guests about being married. Make sure they are aware they are attending a vow renewal. Etiquette dictates that  it be a more simple affair than lavish. Skip things like bouquet toss, garter toss, etc.

ETA: also skip all pre wedding parties such as a shower, bachelor/bachelorette. 

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:1d5263be-7e5b-4c22-8160-2f5502704338">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom is right.  You're already married and you don't ge a do-over.  Many couples get married via the courthouse or JOP because of military or other obligations.  It's fine to have a vow renewal (though I sort of think this type of thing should be reserved for 10-20-25-30 year anniversaries) or maybe a big celebration on your first anniversary (but no wedding dress, bridal party, registry, etc).  It's not a "wedding in two parts"--you're already married.   BTW, many find it offensive that you wouldn't consider a courthouse wedding the "real thing" (as indicated by your subject line).  Particularly those women who DO get married at the courthouse or JOP.  I'm planning to go to the courthouse because it's what will work best for us, and it's unfortunate that you wouldn't consider this a real wedding (do you feel the same way about the marriage?  That it's not real until you do it with the white dress, etc?)
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh yeah, congrats! You're married!

</div>

SarahPLiz

You can have a blessing ceremony in a church, if that is important to you. However, you are already married, so it is not a wedding. Skip the big dress, wedding party and b-parties and showers. 

You could also just have a big first anniversary party if the church thing isn't your intent. 

BTW, you aren't alone in your reasoning. Johnny Weir (ice skater) has decided that since he's gay he gets to breech etiquette and have a wedding this summer even though he's already legally married since this weekend. I think its rude for all populations.

LP11509

wed·dingnoun1.the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials

Did the courthouse accomplish the above?  Then you had your "real" wedding.  

reallers

no. its not about the white dress. its about having our marriage blessed and recognizing our union. any wedding is a real wedding if the couple decides thats what they want.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:2973fd1a-0159-4040-b232-c915303e1745">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]no. its not about the white dress. its about having our marriage blessed and recognizing our union. any wedding is a real wedding if the couple decides thats what they want.
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]
Your marriage was blessed when you got married. You can certainly have a blessing in a church if you want to. But it won't be a wedding. It would be a blessing of your marriage. There is a difference. 

lyndausvi

I agree with your mom.

If I was available I would still attended your do-over wedding (you already had the real thing).  But I would not go out of my way (ie. travel or take off work) and honestly I doubt I would have the same emotion I would if it was the real thing.

whitsy

You had the real thing. It may not have been what you imagined, but heck, mine wasn't either. No redos.

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:2973fd1a-0159-4040-b232-c915303e1745">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]no. its not about the white dress. its about having our marriage blessed and recognizing our union. any wedding is a real wedding if the couple decides thats what they want.
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]
But you already had one. If its not about the dress, presents or pre-wedding parties, then skip them and have your marriage blessed in a ceremony at church and have a reception afterwards. Just realize that its not a wedding. It is a blessing ceremony. 

ggirl2001

Also, I would assume your union was recognized when you started referring to each other as husband and wife. 

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:c0c2037d-6cb3-4cd5-bc7f-3bb6e8d4e937">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : <strong>Your marriage was blessed when you got married.</strong> You can certainly have a blessing in a church if you want to. But it won't be a wedding. It would be a blessing of your marriage. There is a difference. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Most churches would say you are wrong. Civil marriages are not automatically blessed by Christian churches. 

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:10c827e6-77d8-405f-9e7a-7d2b55f65455">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Most churches would say you are wrong. Civil marriages are not automatically blessed by Christian churches. 
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]<div>That's true, but her wording makes me think that this isn't about a church blessing, that she just wants her PPD. That's what I mean by saying it is blessed. But you are correct, I just typed too quickly without thinking. </div><div>
</div>

reallers

what is a ppd? the "wedding" we have planned is only with  our parents and siblings. that is 25 people.  i amnot looking to have any showers or parties, just a celibration of two families comming together. we are not asking for gifts or anything... i dont know why so many of these women are being so harsh and judgemental.

monkeysip

OP,

Just throw a big fun party!  No wedding dress or wedding cake (normal cake is good!).  Just a party with your family and friends--you can still wear a pretty dress, dance with your husband, and have a good time!

Then you can have a vow renewal ceremony at your 1 year anniversary, although I agree with PPs that it really should be at a later anniversary date, or perhaps, after an important milestone in your marriage.

ggirl2001

PPD=pretty princess day

No one was being judgmental. In fact everyone told you how you can have a nice celebration/vow renewal. All anyone said was that  you are already married, so it is not a wedding. It's a party, it's a blessing, vow renewal, but it is not a wedding, since you are married. 

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:2973fd1a-0159-4040-b232-c915303e1745">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]no. its not about the white dress. its about having our marriage blessed and recognizing our union. <strong>any wedding is a real wedding if the couple decides thats what they want.</strong>
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]

I get the whole wanting your marriage to be blessed by the church you participate in, but your wedding was in the courthouse.  What you are doing is renewing your vows.  I stood up in a vow renewal a few years ago.  They got married in the courthouse the day after Christmas before the renewal, but they call the PPD their wedding day (they even celebrate their anniversary on that day, not the day they were married!)  I don't get that.  What's the point in getting married in the courthouse if you aren't going to recognize yourself as married on that date anyway?

There is nothing wrong with a renewal complete with white dress and reception for your guests, but it is not your wedding day.

monkeysip

*just adding that if you want your marriage blessed by your church (or other religious affiliation), then it's perfectly fine to have a ceremony for that.  But again, at a normal church blessing (or convalidation) ceremony, you wouldn't wear a big poofy white dress or have a bridal party.  Make sure it is LOW KEY.

reallers

i guess i dont understand the difference between a vow renewal, blessing and a wedding. you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse. my mom thinks it is offensive to do anything at all. i will call it whatever it needs to be called, i really dont care. i dont see why we should be punished because we had to sacrifice due to nicks obligations to this nation. and i am asolutly not trying to discredit any courthouse weddings. it just didnt give me that "feeling". my husband and i still have not even lived together or anything. this will be the beginning of our "married life together", so why not call it a wedding?

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:f52d7b08-281e-4aaf-9c28-e392c2f64818">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i dont understand the difference between a vow renewal, blassing and a wedding. you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse. my mom thinks it is offensive to do anything at all. i will call it whatever it needs to be called, i really dont care. i dont she why we should be punished because we had to sacrifice due to nicks obligations to this nation. and i am asolutly not trying to discredit any courthouse weddings. it just didnt give me that "feeling". my husband and i still have not even lived together or anything. this will be the beginning of our "married life together", so why not call it a wedding?
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh hey, military wife here. You CHOSE to have a JOP. That is not a punishment, and if you think it is, well then I honestly do feel sad for you. You married your H that day. That is in no way a punishment. Also, please don't try to blame this on the military. My H and I waited until after his deployment to get married. We were also long distance for 2 1/2 years as well. At any point, it would have been easier to do the JOP, but we decided not to. We decided we wanted to have our wedding the way we wanted it and not have to worry about "redos" because we rushed it. 

</div>

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:c75225e4-2e65-41ed-8a49-a4cce47c70b1">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]what is a ppd? the "wedding" we have planned is only with  our parents and siblings. that is 25 people.  i amnot looking to have any showers or parties, just a celibration of two families comming together. we are not asking for gifts or anything... i dont know why so many of these women are being so harsh and judgemental.
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry that you feel people (myself included) are being "harsh and judgemental."  I think YOU are being harsh and judgemental by not considering a courthouse or JOP wedding the "real" thing.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you got some good advice--it's fine to celebrate with family, and have your marriage blessed religiously, but it's not a "wedding in two parts" (which is how I think you referred to it in one of your posts).</div>

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:f52d7b08-281e-4aaf-9c28-e392c2f64818">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i dont understand the difference between a vow renewal, blessing and a wedding. you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse. my mom thinks it is offensive to do anything at all. i will call it whatever it needs to be called, i really dont care. i dont see why we should be punished because we had to sacrifice due to nicks obligations to this nation. and i am asolutly not trying to discredit any courthouse weddings. it just didnt give me that "feeling". my husband and i still have not even lived together or anything. this will be the beginning of our "married life together", so why not call it a wedding?
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]

<div>Not trying to be "harsh" here, but the military did not force you to get married.  Many women are in the same situation--some choose to get married at the JOP, and others choose to wait.  You made the decision that was best for you and your husband.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't get to celebrate with friends and family, or have your marriage blessed in the church, but it DOES mean that you can't have a "wedding."  A wedding is when you become husband and wife, and you've already done that.</div>

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:de54f47e-05c9-42d2-8f3f-df3e87cff60a">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing : Not trying to be "harsh" here, but the military did not force you to get married.  Many women are in the same situation--some choose to get married at the JOP, and others choose to wait.  You made the decision that was best for you and your husband.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't get to celebrate with friends and family, or have your marriage blessed in the church, but it DOES mean that you can't have a "wedding."  A wedding is when you become husband and wife, and you've already done that.
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly. You made the decision, and like every decision in life, there are consequences.  You can definitely celebrate with family and friends. Consequences include that some people will not like it (like your mother) and others won't care. </div>

Nickivegan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:f52d7b08-281e-4aaf-9c28-e392c2f64818">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]i guess i dont understand the difference between a vow renewal, blessing and a wedding. you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse. my mom thinks it is offensive to do anything at all. i will call it whatever it needs to be called, i really dont care. i dont see why we should be punished because we had to sacrifice due to nicks obligations to this nation. and i am asolutly not trying to discredit any courthouse weddings. it just didnt give me that "feeling". my husband and i still have not even lived together or anything. this will be the beginning of our "married life together", so why not call it a wedding?
Posted by reallers[/QUOTE]


Because it's not your wedding.
Your wedding happened when you chose to unite your love to your husband at the courthouse. I'm sure you had valid reasons for this, as many people do (health care, benefits, housing, staying together,etc).
Sorry, but your mom is right.
Do have the blessing or vow renewal, but do not call it a wedding. Doing so would be tacky and rude.

dragonwagon

Mother knows best! You already had your wedding. At the courthouse.

Simply Fated

"you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse." Exactly! You can call it a fake wedding, but it's still a wedding. I don't care if you're military, gay, religious, or a duck... if you're married, you're married.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:a93d9274-8a78-4fd4-b323-091fd827b0a5">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]"you can call a horse a duck, but it is still a horse."

Exactly! You can call it a fake wedding, but it's still a wedding.

I don't care if you're military, gay, religious, or a duck... if you're married, you're married.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]



Those ducks are always trying to be something they are not.

Simply Fated

OP, if it's not about having a PPD, then why didn't you have everyone there for your wedding? Anyone else love that REALLERS is asking about having a REAL wedding? Good choice in username, reallers. For reals.

dragonwagon

FWIW, before I even joined TK and started reading the message boards and learning what was and wasn't appropriate, a girl in FI's family "secretly" was married for a year and a half while her fiance/husband was deployed. She waited until after her parents paid for her pretty princess day to tell everyone that she was already married. It's not the same as your situation because everyone already knows, but it still annoyed me to think someone was that hungry for attention that they couldn't just be satisfied with their original wedding.

And I understand there may have been certain benefits, but don't fool yourself into thinking you were "obligated" to get married because of his being in the military.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_courthouse-wedding-time-real-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c950216b-5fae-4215-99ef-69e8102f53d3Post:dc739081-cfbb-4899-a997-0a1da7151ec7">Re: had a courthouse wedding, now it is time for the real thing</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't personally understand the point of having a small "wedding" after already being married at the courthouse.  OP, if you truly only want 25 people or so at your do-over wedding, what is the point?  The families were united when you got married at the courthouse.  I don't see the need to do it again.  Military or not, you and your H decided to get married at the courthouse.  No one is punishing you or your H for deciding to get married at the courthouse.  Not having a big, lavish PPD is not a punishment.  A PPD is not necessary for a marriage.  
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
Word.

OP, if you only want 25 people at your pretend wedding, why didn't you just have them at your real wedding? It's not difficult to organize an nice event for 25 people in a short timeframe.

The explanations really smell. I think it really is a duck.