Advice needed in regards to location

Jetkin84

Hi all, I'm having a huge dilemma and would really appreciate some feedback. I live in Denver and recently got engaged. My mother has had stage 4 breast cancer for the past 3 years and recently we found out it has spread to her brain. She was given about a year at maximum from this past December. I was going to have a rush wedding but she feels thats a poor idea and would like us to plan more and wait until possibly next April. Her doctor has also told her she cannot travel to Denver as the oxygen will affect her brain. She is in denial and doesn't realize the magnitude of her illness and feels she will be perfectly fine next year. I've planned to have a shower in Detroit over the summer so that she could be a part of that, but I'm not sure what to do about the actual wedding. The biggest problem is where to have it. I love Denver and would love to get married there. However, with my mom saying she will be fine next year, I'm not sure if I should plan the wedding in Detroit knowing that she probably won't be there. Any suggestions??

TaraK22

First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. If this were me, I would do anything I could to have my mother at my wedding. If that meant having it in the barn next door in 2 months time, I'd do it. The memory of my mom being there would far outweigh things like location, decor, etc. However, only you know your mother and how she'd feel about you changing your plans. Good luck

mica178

I am so sorry about your mother.

If my mother were in that situation while I was planning my wedding, I would have rearranged everything to make it possible to have her there.  I would get married quickly in a location convenient to her, because in this world, you only have one mother.  She cannot be replaced, all denial aside.  Stage 4 breast cancer with metastases to the brain is no joke.  There are occasional miracles, and we should pray for them, but who knows what kind of shape she'd be in if she survives this?

I know you'd rather do things in Denver, but if she cannot attend, do it in Detroit, and throw an anniversary party in Denver in the future.

Loopyseven

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  

When is your wedding going to be?  I'd think I'd do anything I could to make sure my mom would be able to be with me on that day including move the date up and have it in Detroit if she cannot come to  Denver.  You say that you are having a shower in Detroit this summer though which makes me think your wedding will not be until the fall.  I know a few girls who have planned their weddings here in 2 or 3 months, so if pulling the wedding up to increase the odds of her being able to be there isn't an option, I might wait until closer to the date you have in mind to start planning things.  It narrows your options some because you can only use what is still available, but if you're not being too picky you can plan a wedding in less than 3 months without too much hassle.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-regards-location-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cacf3baf-662f-42ff-9914-7ffe41bf2205Post:cfb5a567-c5de-443c-ac7e-54684ca22e9d">Re: Advice needed in regards to location</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. If this were me, I would do anything I could to have my mother at my wedding. If that meant having it in the barn next door in 2 months time, I'd do it. The memory of my mom being there would far outweigh things like location, decor, etc. However, only you know your mother and how she'd feel about you changing your plans. Good luck :(
Posted by TaraK22[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this.</div><div>
</div><div>Your mom thinking she will be fine next year, and the doctors telling you she won't are big differences.  You need to decide what is more important to you for your wedding, having whatever type of wedding you need to have so that your mom is there, or plan the wedding of your dreams regardless of if she could be there or be able to travel for it.  </div>

tidetravel

Personally, in situations like this, I'd advocate for a family only JOP ceremony (w/ dinner after) and a reception later, especially if your mom is in denial.  That way, she could witness your actual marriage, even if she can't make it to the reception.  

Jetkin84

Thanks everyone for your input. Originally, we were going to rush and have the wedding in Detroit in August. She was very against this and would like us to have a normal engagement. I'd love to have my mother at my wedding. I'm just not sure how when she wants us to wait. She has told me before, she feels I was rushing the wedding because she has cancer and it makes her cry every time she has said that. It's heartbreaking to see that. 

Thanks for everyones thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate it!!!

mica178

Is there someone else who can talk with your mom?  Maybe some sort of spiritual counselor (priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) who can try to work with her in addressing her denial?  

Jetkin84

Yes, and its something I'm in the process of looking into. Thanks everyone!! You all have been so great!

bczican77

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.  My thoughts are with you and your family.

That being said, I am extremely close to my mom.  If I found out that she had stage 4 breast cancer, I would definitely plan my wedding around her, regardless of how much grief she would give me about it. A wedding that is put together in a couple months time with my mom in attendance GREATLY outweighs a wedding that I had time to plan in the place of my dreams without my mom.  Not only that, I couldn't enjoy my day without my parents there.  It's a no brainer to me.

Catherine

cms4mf

I'm really sorry you're going through this

My dad died from lung cancer when I was 18. My family also was in bigtime denial about how sick he was. I think most people when they hear oh there's an x % chance of survival you always assume your loved one will be in that percent.

I would give anything in the world to have my dad at my wedding.  You have the chance to have your mom there and I'd jump at that in a second. If you delay you risk 1) not having your mom there 2) your mom passing right around the planned time of the wedding or 3) your mom being so visibly sick it becomes a sad wedding instead of a celebration.

Really laid back, backyard weddings are so in style right now. Why not set up some feasting tables in  your parent's backyard (or somewhere comprable), have a quiet intimate celebration with your closest family members, then like the previous poster said if you want a huge celebration do it in a few years? If you do it a few years after your mom passes you could have black and white photos of the original wedding hanging up around the celebration. 

Right now i'm going to have to try my hardest to prevent myself from thinking every second of my wedding day about my dad not being there. If you have your wedding asap, you will be able to focus on the joy of the day rather than who is missing :-/

sbolger17

I'm really sorry about all that you and your and family is going through.

My father became very ill during my brother's engagement years ago and they were considering pushing the wedding up.  My father was adamantly against it; in a way, he was living to make it to the wedding, and they decided that they didn't want to take that goal away from him.  My brother and sister-in-law did a sort of pre-wedding blessing with all of the family and a minister at my parents' house just in case the worst happened before the wedding.  As it turned out, he made it to the wedding (and was SO happy to be there), but passed away 2 weeks later.

I just wanted to share what they did in case it is helpful to you.  Good luck with your decision.