inviting/not inviting kids

funandfreckles

What are the rules/general thoughts on doing an age cut-off?

My fiance has a lot of 16, 17 year old cousins that he'd like to have at the wedding - all of whom have younger siblings. I have a lot of 4, 5, 6, 7 year olds (with no older siblings) that I don't want there. We're torn because we don't want to split families...but really want the older cousins there. And I don't want to invite some younger cousins from FI's side but not mine....

WWYD? Or has anyone experienced this?

Summer2011Bride

I have no problem with a 16 year old cut-off, but I know in my family, if we had split families, we'd still be hearing about it. I would try to avoid that if possible. But you know your family best and know whether or not that would cause backlash.

Summer2011Bride

Didn't post; we'll try again.

I have no problem with a cut-off of 16 years old, but I would be careful about splitting families. In my family, if we did that, we'd still be getting flack for it. Only you know your family best, but I would just be careful of doing that if you think there'll be backlash.

funandfreckles

I like 16, too...and it fits in to things with who we want to invite/don't want to invite.

[Deleted User]

I think it's fine to split families, personally, although many here would disagree. I think it's healthy for kids to understand that big sis gets to do some things they can't because big sis is older. And when they get older they'll get to do those things too.

funandfreckles

Splitting families is what I'm worried about...and we're having a hard time deciding what's more important to us - not having kids there [very important to me] or not pissing people off [important to both of us].

MyUserName1

I think you'll catch a lot of flack for splitting up families. 

funandfreckles

Or, next scenario: is it okay to invite only some of the kids? I have a few cousins whose kids I'd invite, but a few (same side of family, but definitely not as close with) that I would NOT. I guess at the end of the day, our wedding, our choice right? Just like we've had to make some decisions on which adults we're not inviting...the same decision would have to be made with kids. Or am I completely off base?

MyUserName1

Honestly, I think that's fine.  And it would be fine in some families, and in others it would be World War III. Are people in your family likely to hold a grudge about that sort of thing, or will they realize "Hey, Freckles has never met my Little Sally, but she has been babysitting my sister's daughter Suzie since she was born"?

aragx6

When it comes to kids you can really do anyting you want, but it can cause a significant amount of family strife in some families. That's one reason people advise inviting in circles, but I'll readily admit we're inviting some first cousins and not others based on how close we are to them.

funandfreckles

We're definitely not inviting all our cousins. Just the ones who we're close to.

The problem I'm running in to with inviting some kids and not others:

a) my FI's step sister's kids. We do NOT want them there. They're holy terrors. But, how do I invite some kids and not our nephews - so to speak.

b) there are two families invited to the wedding - brothers - one of them is married to my FI's cousin, and the other one we're close friends with. My FI wants his cousin's older kids there, but if we scrap the cut-off and invite their kids, the other brother's nose will be out of joint. Man I hope that made sense.

c) one of our GM has an 8 year old son, and he drives.me.insane. If I invite some kids, I'm going to feel compelled to invite our WP's kids.

d) I know cousin mentioned in B will freak out if her two older kids get invited and the others don't. She is possibly the only one that will get upset though. But she'll make a big enough stink about it to make up for the rest.

e) two of FI's 17 year old cousins have girlfriends, we'd like to invite them, but again - how do I invite their gf's and not their siblings.

GAH! This is so difficult!!

MyUserName1

yeesh.  Sounds like with your family, you need to go all or none.  I'd do none as well.  18 or 21+ only.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitingnot-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc4da7bf-8eab-4dab-b902-e142eae49713Post:46e8b88c-6775-48f7-8d52-ff07bca9d93b">Re: inviting/not inviting kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I would not invite any kids.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Ditto this after your most recent post. I think this just takes care of all of it with minimal headache for you.

purplebear17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitingnot-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc4da7bf-8eab-4dab-b902-e142eae49713Post:e71a49fd-db04-4e15-9d2e-22476f9f094c">Re: inviting/not inviting kids</a>:
[QUOTE]We're definitely not inviting all our cousins. Just the ones who we're close to. The problem I'm running in to with inviting some kids and not others: a) my FI's step sister's kids. We do NOT want them there. They're holy terrors. But, how do I invite some kids and not our nephews - so to speak. b) there are two families invited to the wedding - brothers - one of them is married to my FI's cousin, and the other one we're close friends with. My FI wants his cousin's older kids there, but if we scrap the cut-off and invite their kids, the other brother's nose will be out of joint. Man I hope that made sense. c) one of our GM has an 8 year old son, and he drives.me.insane. If I invite some kids, I'm going to feel compelled to invite our WP's kids. d) I know cousin mentioned in B will freak out if her two older kids get invited and the others don't. She is possibly the only one that will get upset though. But she'll make a big enough stink about it to make up for the rest. e) two of FI's 17 year old cousins have girlfriends, we'd like to invite them, but again - how do I invite their gf's and not their siblings. GAH! This is so difficult!!
Posted by funandfreckles[/QUOTE]

With this many special circumstances, you're really stuck. You can either pick and choose the ones you want to be there (and deal with the backlash of folks being offended, possibly not attending), or cut all the kids completely (miss out on the ones you want, but don't have to pick and choose). I would probably choose to not invite any to avoid family conflict, but that's a choice you're going to have to weigh for yourself with your DF.

funandfreckles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitingnot-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc4da7bf-8eab-4dab-b902-e142eae49713Post:062e4e53-b365-4fcb-8d22-05973aab3795">Re: inviting/not inviting kids</a>:
[QUOTE]yeesh.  Sounds like with your family, you need to go all or none.  I'd do none as well.  18 or 21+ only.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

18 is our drinking age where I'm from...which would make it simple, except my FI has one cousin that is 16 that is invited. It's one of his 5 cousins on that side of the family, and they're close - very close. So maybe 16+ is the best route for us. I could call the two families that might have their noses out of joint and just explain before I send the invites...

funandfreckles

And thanks everyone for the advice! I'm none-the-wiser, but everyone's comments have helped for sure!!

Carson386

We are having the cut off age at 16 with the exception of the children directly involved in the wedding (ie flower girl, ring bearers, jr bridesmaid). I have caught some stuff from family about them not being able to bring their children and have actually threatened to not come because of that. Just try to stay calm and explain to people that there is not the extra room for multiple young children and you can't allow some people to bring small kids and not others.

[Deleted User]

Like PPs I also think you should just not invite kids period.
We are having an adult only reception. The only children will be our 3 and our 4 nieces & 1 nephew.
We have a huge family with a lot of children, but we are struggling with affording all the adults, never mind if we included all their children.

If they are family and have your best interests at heart, you shouldn't have any problems or grievances.
Best of luck!!

lily_721

We invited all children of first cousins.  We did it based on relation not age.  The biggest point is you have to be consistent.  You would think everyone would have been happy since I pretty much invited everyone...  oh no, second cousins and various other guests wanted their kids too.  Nope.  We had a cut off. 

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitingnot-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc4da7bf-8eab-4dab-b902-e142eae49713Post:f944c7c4-d812-4e5a-8a95-9485d7068672">inviting/not inviting kids</a>:
[QUOTE]What are the rules/general thoughts on doing an age cut-off? My fiance has a lot of 16, 17 year old cousins that he'd like to have at the wedding - all of whom have younger siblings. I have a lot of 4, 5, 6, 7 year olds (with no older siblings) that I don't want there. We're torn because we don't want to split families...but really want the older cousins there. And I don't want to invite some younger cousins from FI's side but not mine.... WWYD? Or has anyone experienced this?
Posted by funandfreckles[/QUOTE]


You can have a cut-off of 16 with no problem have been to plenty of wedding with that cut off and no little kids running around. 

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitingnot-inviting-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc4da7bf-8eab-4dab-b902-e142eae49713Post:e71a49fd-db04-4e15-9d2e-22476f9f094c">Re: inviting/not inviting kids</a>:
[QUOTE]We're definitely not inviting all our cousins. Just the ones who we're close to. The problem I'm running in to with inviting some kids and not others: a) my FI's step sister's kids. We do NOT want them there. They're holy terrors. But, how do I invite some kids and not our nephews - so to speak. b) there are two families invited to the wedding - brothers - one of them is married to my FI's cousin, and the other one we're close friends with. My FI wants his cousin's older kids there, but if we scrap the cut-off and invite their kids, the other brother's nose will be out of joint. Man I hope that made sense. c) one of our GM has an 8 year old son, and he drives.me.insane. If I invite some kids, I'm going to feel compelled to invite our WP's kids. d) I know cousin mentioned in B will freak out if her two older kids get invited and the others don't. She is possibly the only one that will get upset though. But she'll make a big enough stink about it to make up for the rest. e) two of FI's 17 year old cousins have girlfriends, we'd like to invite them, but again - how do I invite their gf's and not their siblings. GAH! This is so difficult!!
Posted by funandfreckles[/QUOTE]
If you have an age cut - off it is an age cut-off... so you could invite the girlfirends without a problem... when you get to this point of weddingplanning - no matter what you do someone will be out of joint about it... if you do not want the little kids then don't have them ... but decide in advance and stick to it - you can't invite some little kids and then say to specific families that their little kids can't come - so little kids or no little kids --- I think you are fine inviting he older kids without the little ones though

MeghanKR

We are both very close with our families and family is extremely important to us.  We are inviting all of our nieces/nephews and first cousins regardless of age.  We have annual family reunions and even family vacations with all our cousins, so we are an extremely close family.  I could never imagine getting married without inviting all of my cousins! 

Our youngest guest will be 6 and is a cousin of mine; however, we are not inviting kids (under the age of 18) of any of our other guests.  I have no issue if people decide not to come because their children are not invited.  

We haven't had any issues up until today when we got our first RSVP back where someone from his work assumed they could bring their toddler.  Although the invitations were addressed to make it clear children were not invited.  It drives me koo-koo that people are rude and assume they can just bring their children along.  Luckly, I have an extremely supportive fiance who is going to explain to his co-worker that outside of family, we having an adult only wedding and reception. 

jtrevino333

We decided that during the reception we did not want any children under 5 at the Ceremony. No exceptions. We both have pretty large families and are close to pretty much everyone. The children that are over 5 are pretty much all well-behaved so we don't have an issue with having them at the reception