BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?

MargeauxG

Hi,

I recently bought my MOH and 4 BMs golden pearl necklaces as attendant gifts.  I let each BM pick out her own navy dress, so I thought the pearls would go well with my navy and gold color scheme and help tie their look together a bit.  (I'm also wearing pearls at the wedding.)

Is it rude to assume that the BMs will wear this necklace to the wedding?  I think it should work with every neckline and each of their dresses.  It's likely they'll be planning on wearing something else.  Should I tell them about the gift before I see them at the RD?  Should I just let them enjoy the gift and not ask them to wear it to the wedding? 

Thanks.

shoegal715

No offence, I think it's a silly gift, but it's not rude to assume they'll wear it. You can just say, "I thought it would go well with your BM dress."

With that being said, I can't even count how many necklaces I have received as BM gifts. It's old, unoriginal and a little tiring. I'm getting each of my BM something that they would like - a coach wristlet for one, a poker set for the other, massage certif for the other etc. 

mysticl

In my experience if jewelry is the BM gift then it is understood that it is to be worn for the wedding. 

sep72fendr

As trite as necklaces might be, it's your day and if you want them to wear it, you can ask them to wear it. If they respect you as a friend and as your BMs, they will wear them. I think uniformity in bridal parties is a cute idea and I'm doing it myself only with earrings. I know that if I was given a necklace that I may not wear all the time (like pearls) I would cherish the occasion that I had to wear it in honor of (hopefully) one of my best friends who is having the biggest day of her life.

MargeauxG

Thanks for your suggestions.  I won't worry about them wearing the necklaces.

Since only 1 of my BMs has been a BM before, and I'm pretty sure none of them own real pearls, I thought they may all appreciate them and not find the idea tired.  I hope they like them!

sep72fendr

I'm sure they will love them, they are a gift from their friend. If they don't love them... beat the s*&t outta them with your shoe until they do.

mysticl

You're buying them real pearls?  Can I be in your wedding?

Even if it isn't something they would wear on a regular basis it's nice thing to have in the jewelry box, never know when they will come in handy.

KentuckyKate

I got my BMs necklaces and earrings, among a few other gifts, and told them they could wear them, wear their own jewelry, or mix and match to their liking.  I honestly didn't care either way, but I got them jewelry because their shoes and clutches (which I also bought for them) were gold, and not many of my friends have gold jewelry.  I didn't want them to go out and buy anything else.

All 6 of them wore the necklace and earrings. I think it's pretty much understood when matching jewelry is the gift, that generally the bride prefers they wear it in the wedding. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:42ec3936-ebd1-4aa3-8acc-15fcc1936339">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your suggestions.  I won't worry about them wearing the necklaces. Since only 1 of my BMs has been a BM before, and I'm pretty sure none of them own real pearls, I thought they may all appreciate them and not find the idea tired.  I hope they like them!
Posted by MargeauxG[/QUOTE]
I'm sure they'll appreciate them, but, yeah, you can't, like, force them to wear their gifts, of course. You can totally suggest it, though. Maybe something like, "I bought them for you because I thought you would like them. They would look lovely with your bridesmaids dresses, if you want to wear them for the wedding, but of course you don't have to."

Remember, any gift you are forced to wear, isn't really a generous gift. It's like when your Aunt Martha buys you that hideous sweater and your mom <em>makes</em> you wear it all the time to family functions just to make your aunt happy? A thoughtful sweater that you might wear once in awhile around the house by choice because it's warm... now becomes an annoying burden.

ootmother2

pearls don't come in gold.

If you bought them bead necklaces, it's fine to suggest that they wear them day of

MargeauxG

SimplyFated, the sweater analogy was exactly what I was worried about.  I'll make sure I offer the gift as you suggested.

OOT, pearls actually come in a variety of shades, depending on the kind of oysters/mussels they are from and the environment in which they were raised.  I obvs didn't get this necklace, but here's an example:

http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=23513471&mcat=148204&cid=287465&search_params=s+5-p+9-c+287465-r+101323352-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

It's not too hard to find golden South Sea pearls or cultured pearls that have been tinted.

blackfire5th

Matching necklaces that help coordinate with the wedding are more a gift for you than they are for the bm.  

When getting them a gift you should shop for them.  So if you think each bm would like this necklace/it's her style, then you are fine.  If not, you should get each bm something that she will personally love as a real thank you to her.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:82a84a78-c819-4603-a9b8-1590317f3219">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]As trite as necklaces might be, it's your day and if you want them to wear it, you can ask them to wear it. If they respect you as a friend and as your BMs, they will wear them.
Posted by sep72fendr[/QUOTE]

 Yes, a bride can ask them to wear the jewelry since she's paid for the necklaces.  Jewelry for the wedding does not count as their appreciation gifts because they're being required to use it for the bride's wedding.  Gifts need to be non-wedding related.

quotequeen

Whether they will appreciate it depends on their individual tastes.  Do they not own pearls because they haven't had occasion to buy them, or do they not own pearls because they don't care for pearls?  Or because they don't really like to wear jewelry?

lisalou402

I guess i've been in good wedding parties, but we've always gotten expensive jewelry that we weren't expected to wear.  One gave me a bulova watch.  Another, Tiffany Pearl earrings, and the another, a Tiffany necklace.

I always thought it was to be a thank you, and that something significant was nice.

Id' rather jewelry than a gift certificate, because i'll remember it.

For my wedding, i'm going to get different necklaces for each girl....(one has a collection of crosses, so I may get her a Tiffany cross), and for my MOH some David Yurman earrings because she is OBSESSED.

Knittibell

I haven't read all the other responses, but if you want them to wear it on the day, that's fine, but should not be considered their attendant gift. If you give them something you want them to wear on the day, it's the same as if you wanted everyone's hair a certain way- and so you'd be expected to pay for that, as well.

Personally, I can't ever imagine wearing golden pearls- it's just NMS, but if you think this is something each girl will just LOVE then go for it. If you really bought them because you think they'll look great with the dress, but you're really *not* sure they'll ever want to wear them again, then give them to the girls to wear on the day, buy them something they'll each really actually love as their attendant gift, and chalk the extra expense up to a learning experience.

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:e96c4c7b-cad5-43cd-856f-f5f87d4dde70">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't read all the other responses, but <strong>if you want them to wear it on the day, that's fine, but should not be considered their attendant gift. If you give them something you want them to wear on the day, it's the same as if you wanted everyone's hair a certain way- and so you'd be expected to pay for that, as well. </strong>Personally, I can't ever imagine wearing golden pearls- it's just NMS, but if you think this is something each girl will just LOVE then go for it. If you really bought them because you think they'll look great with the dress, but you're really *not* sure they'll ever want to wear them again, then give them to the girls to wear on the day, buy them something they'll each really actually love as their attendant gift, and chalk the extra expense up to a learning experience. :)
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]
this.

and I got my BMs jewelry as well, but it was definitely not with the intention that they would wear it for the wedding. first of all  none of the jewelry I got them matched the dress. second of all, none of it matched each other's--they all got something completely different and fitting for their personal taste in jewelry. third of all, I told them that I was not expecting them to wear them with their dresses because of the first point.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:1526c596-633e-4945-b805-ec5598520898">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]SimplyFated, the sweater analogy was exactly what I was worried about.  I'll make sure I offer the gift as you suggested. OOT, pearls actually come in a variety of shades, depending on the kind of oysters/mussels they are from and the environment in which they were raised.  I obvs didn't get this necklace, but here's an example: <a href="http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=23513471&mcat=148204&cid=287465&search_params=s+5-p+9-c+287465-r+101323352-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+" rel="nofollow">http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=23513471&mcat=148204&cid=287465&search_params=s+5-p+9-c+287465-r+101323352-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+</a> It's not too hard to find golden South Sea pearls or cultured pearls that have been tinted.
Posted by MargeauxG[/QUOTE]

This is why pearls are my favorite jewelry and take up about 50% of my jewelry box <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />.  Needless to say, they are the only jewelry I'll be wearing at my weading except for the sapphire engagement ring.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:caee5802-3aca-4d51-81da-32c7a56def33">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]In my experience if jewelry is the BM gift then it is understood that it is to be worn for the wedding. 
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

Ditto that.  I've been a BM 5 times and I think I've received jewelry meant to be worn at the wedding every time except once.  You might just want to give them a heads up not to worry about day-of jewelry so they don't go out and buy something.  It would be nice to get them a gift that actually reflects their interests though, rather than something solely for the wedding, unless the pearl necklaces are very expensive ones.  For example, when I was MOH, the bride gave me a necklace intended to be worn for the wedding, but it was real and very expensive and I've worn it regularly ever since (5 years ago) because it's a color and style that still goes with my day to day clothing.

Julz629

I would wear the necklace for the wedding, but I would likely never (or almost never) wear it again.  I wear the same jewelry (earrings, necklace, rings, and bracelet) every single day.

I have a jewelry box full of jewelry that has been given to me as a bridesmaid and never worn again.

DLuchner

I think it wouldn't be rude at all, I've been in several weddings where the bride gave us necklaces or earrings and we all wore them as the wedding jewelry without even being told, it's just kind of expected.  I am happy to do that, if the bride on her day wants that I'm glad to oblige.  And I don't have to worry about finding my own.  Also, though I may have been in WAY less expensive weddings than some because Tiffany jewelry and Bulova watches seems a little over the top to me, the jewelry WAS the attendent gift and that was just fine.  Attendent presents are a token of appreciation, it's the thought, not the monetary value.  I can't imagine ever being tacky enough to be upset someone gave me jewelry and not another present along with it for their wedding. 

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:d6ab57a0-c0af-40c3-9c6c-21cad46c3394">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]No offence, I think it's a silly gift, but it's not rude to assume they'll wear it. You can just say, "I thought it would go well with your BM dress." With that being said, I can't even count how many necklaces I have received as BM gifts. It's old, unoriginal and a little tiring. I'm getting each of my BM something that they would like - a coach wristlet for one, a poker set for the other, massage certif for the other etc. 
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

I got my bridesmaids cultured pearl necklaces as presents and each and every one of them LOVED them.  I knew none of them had them and they were all blown away.  I gave them to them when they got their dresses and told them they didn't have to wear them, but I think they all will. I'm also getting them individual presents to give at the RD.

I don't think pearls are "trite" or "unoriginal" or "tiring".  If you know your friends don't already have them, it is a great gift that they may appreciate for a long time.  I personally think the Coach wristlets are totally overdone and unoriginal and huge waste of money.  But that's just me.

SparrowSong

If they are given matching jewelry and a day is coming up when they are also wearing matching dresses, I think they will manage to grasp the implication.

I think it would be polite to give them a gift that has nothing to do with the wedding though. Something that "ties their look together" and "goes with the navy and gold color scheme" doesn't exactly say - I totally thought of YOU when I saw this.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-gifts-rude-assumptions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccb03c25-f011-4205-b5c0-b9150a86da5dPost:d80ff02b-9d03-4837-b505-a92c9ed51c00">Re: BM Gifts and Rude Assumptions?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it wouldn't be rude at all, I've been in several weddings where the bride gave us necklaces or earrings and we all wore them as the wedding jewelry without even being told, it's just kind of expected.  I am happy to do that, if the bride on her day wants that I'm glad to oblige.  And I don't have to worry about finding my own.  Also, though I may have been in WAY less expensive weddings than some because Tiffany jewelry and Bulova watches seems a little over the top to me, the jewelry WAS the attendent gift and that was just fine.  Attendent presents are a token of appreciation, it's the thought, not the monetary value.  I can't imagine ever being tacky enough to be upset someone gave me jewelry and not another present along with it for their wedding. 
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]

It has nothing to do with the monetary value.  The reason it's not considered a gift is that it's really a gift for you as the bride, because you want your wedding pictures to look good or whatever.  People don't all have the same taste, and if you give the exact same gift to all your girls, chances are it's because you like it and not because you tailored their gifts to find something THEY would like, which is the point of an appreciation gift.  If you actually have reason to believe that every one of them would individually love the jewelry that you chose, and would wear it completely independently of your wedding, then it's fine.