"Ceremony only" invitation?

rachillsk8

Our wedding is going to be very small due to cost and because we prefer a more simple, intimate reception (30-40 guests). However, I am the President of my figure skating club and also a coach, and all of the little girls who skate at my rink are SO excited about my engagement and wedding and seeing me in my dress. Would it be wrong to toss out an informal open invite to the ceremony to the skaters at my rink, without inviting them (and their families) to the reception? I would be clear that I would not expect gifts from them. I know I've seen people (who work with kids) do this before, my whole 4 th grade class was at our teacher's ceremony.

libby2483

Yes, that would be wrong.  Anyone who is invited to the ceremony must be properly hosted at the reception.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:2429e1d4-9b38-4668-8379-71f6dfb65c53">"Ceremony only" invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is going to be very small due to cost and because we prefer a more simple, intimate reception (30-40 guests). However, I am the President of my figure skating club and also a coach, and all of the little girls who skate at my rink are SO excited about my engagement and wedding and seeing me in my dress. Would it be wrong to toss out an informal open invite to the ceremony to the skaters at my rink, without inviting them (and their families) to the reception? I would be clear that I would not expect gifts from them. I know I've seen people (who work with kids) do this before, my whole 4 th grade class was at our teacher's ceremony.
Posted by rachillsk8[/QUOTE]

It's rude.  Unless you are inviting them to the reception, don't invite them to the ceremony.  Bring in your photo album after the wedding to share pictures of you in your dress with the kids.

Peledreamsofrain

The reception is a thank you to your guests for coming  to the wedding.  Not inviting them to the reception is rude and can lead to hurt feelings.  

Instead, can you broadcast your wedding live, and give out the info to anyone who wants to watch?  That would fit the attention span of a little girl better than spending the whole day at an actual wedding anyway.  I wouldn't recommend this for adults, however, as it has a lot of potential for hurt feelings about being excluded.

misssunshine17

As a dance teacher, I understand that your kids want to see you, but I personally don't think it's appropriate. Bring in a picture later.

Knottie_22382102

wear the dress again for fun another time if they want to see you in your dress. I'd skip inviting anyone who wasn't going to the reception.

wittykitty14

PPs have nailed it.  It is very rude to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception.  To me it says, "I like you, but not enough to pay for your meal", which leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Is there any other way you can share the excitement with your girls?

PS-Side note, even if you say "no gifts", people give them anyways, so that won't really work.

Summer2011Bride

Yes, it would be rude to invite them to only the ceremony.

When I was in fifth grade, our teacher got married in the summer and asked all of us if we would sing as a choir at her ceremony. It was at a church 45 min. away so our parents had to schlep us there and we were not invited to the reception. We sang, took a pic with our teacher after the ceremony and then when everyone else headed off to the party, we had to go home. While, as a youngster, I was honored and excited to sing at my teacher's wedding, I remember also feeling left out and sad that we couldn't go to the rest of it. Even if they are young and excited to go to the ceremony, it doesn't mean they won't feel badly about being left out of the reception.

I agree with bringing in pics after your wedding to show them.

PrettyGirlLost

Some of the current and former members of the crew team FI coaches are threatening to crash our reception.  I don't know if I should be afraid or honored to have wedding crashers!

J+A 2013

A friend of mine is an elementary school teacher.  She invited her students and their parents to the church ceremony, but instead of extending the invitation to the reception, she hosted ice cream at a local shop for all the kids & parents afterwards (she obviously wasn't there).  I know it's not proper etiquette wise (I've been around these parts for almost 3 years with an old SN), but honestly, I bet the kids and their parents who wanted to see the wedding appreciated it. 

However, I think this works better in a truly public setting - like a church or public park - where anyone is free to watch the ceremony anyway.

OwningAHome1981

While it may be rude, if the kids are really young they wouldnt even realise it's rude. I think the kids would be thrilled to come to the ceremony and wont care about the reception anyway. JMO.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:60065a4f-29d5-4f06-9697-70501dbb2861">Re:quot;Ceremony onlyquot; invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it may be rude, if the kids are really young they wouldnt even realise it's rude. I think the kids would be thrilled to come to the ceremony and wont care about the reception anyway. JMO.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

Ugh. this is awful. Just because someone doesn't know they are being treated like crap, doesn't mean you should treat them like crap.

AJuliaNJ

nooooo

Do not do this.

kerbohl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:812f3137-0961-47b3-be1d-a64ad4d0d7c5">Re: "Ceremony only" invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]A friend of mine is an elementary school teacher.  She invited her students and their parents to the church ceremony, but instead of extending the invitation to the reception,<strong> she hosted ice cream at a local shop for all the kids & parents afterwards</strong> (she obviously wasn't there).  I know it's not proper etiquette wise (I've been around these parts for almost 3 years with an old SN), but honestly, I bet the kids and their parents who wanted to see the wedding appreciated it.  However, I think this works better in a truly public setting - like a church or public park - where anyone is free to watch the ceremony anyway.
Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]

I know someone who did something similar.  She had an "open reception", so anyone who came to the ceremony went down in the church basement for lunch and to listen to the speeches.  Then the bride went with her immediate family out to dinner to celebrate with them.  Is that an option at all, or no? 

renegade gaucho

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:60065a4f-29d5-4f06-9697-70501dbb2861">Re:quot;Ceremony onlyquot; invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it may be rude, if the kids are really young they wouldnt even realise it's rude. I think the kids would be thrilled to come to the ceremony and wont care about the reception anyway. JMO.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but their parents will have to take time out of their day to accompany them to the ceremony.  I don't think the world will end if the kids just get to see some pictures after the wedding.

kerbohl

I like Scribe95's suggestion.  I'm scheduling a trip to visit my oma in my dress on my wedding day, since she has Alzheimer's and won't be able to make it to the wedding without getting very confused and upset.  So depending on your schedule the day of, you can maybe stop in at the rink.  And that might even be more special to them, because you are coming just to visit them on your wedding day.  Yes, very good idea!

Andama08

My FI and I are doing some ceremony only invites. I'm a teacher and I completely understand. Everyone doesn't care or feel it's rude to not be invited to the reception. Some people are genuinely happy for you and just want to be in attendance for the ceremony. I say you use your best judgment. We're purposely holding our ceremony and reception at different locations for this reason. We've had people approach us and say they don't even want to be invited to the reception. I think it depends on your social circle. I've been to ceremonies before and not the reception and it didn't bother me. I could also care less about a gift, them being present is enough for me.

Twynnie

If the ceremony is in an open location, I'd just mention that if they are asking about it. I think saying ' Sorry, no you can't come as then some people's idea of etiquette dictates you must be invited to the reception which I can't afford' would be far more upsetting for a child. And if you make some other excuse why they can't come it would be a lie

Twynnie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:7b3e002c-a8cd-48fb-8a3e-708373801bb7">Re:</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:: This is how innocent children become rude entitled adults. Because people think "it's okay to be rude if the people I'm being rude to don't know or care." Ugh. My mother would have my hide if I acted this way.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Being rude implies intentionally offending someone by breaking the rules of politeness in that group. If your actions aren't going to offend anyone as this particular group is fine with it, then there is no rudeness involved. Whether you or your mother are fine with it is neither here nor there.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:2429e1d4-9b38-4668-8379-71f6dfb65c53">"Ceremony only" invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is going to be very small due to cost and because we prefer a more simple, intimate reception (30-40 guests). However, I am the President of my figure skating club and also a coach, and all of the little girls who skate at my rink are SO excited about my engagement and wedding and seeing me in my dress. Would it be wrong to toss out an informal open invite to the ceremony to the skaters at my rink, without inviting them (and their families) to the reception? I would be clear that I would not expect gifts from them. I know I've seen people (who work with kids) do this before, my whole 4 th grade class was at our teacher's ceremony.
Posted by rachillsk8[/QUOTE]

Yes.  This would be wrong and not appropriate.  The people you've seen who do this with kids were rude.  Even kids need to be invited to the reception if they're invited to the ceremony.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:60065a4f-29d5-4f06-9697-70501dbb2861">Re:quot;Ceremony onlyquot; invitation?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it may be rude, if the kids are really young they wouldnt even realise it's rude. I think the kids would be thrilled to come to the ceremony and wont care about the reception anyway. JMO.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

From what I've seen they would not be "thrilled" at all.  Kids get bored at wedding ceremonies because they don't like having to sit still and not make noise-that's why we hear all the time about brides and grooms who don't want to include them at their ceremonies (other than their own kids or family members).  I would not have been "thrilled" to attend a wedding for my teacher where all I got out of it was watching a ceremony and no fun.

If it's rude, it should not be done, period, regardless of what kids realize.  

Andama08

My point exactly, Thank You!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ceremony-only-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cdb8618e-ca5f-4bdd-b87a-fb1c31d8f1bcPost:71272fcc-b048-40f1-9c45-deb9f35cf246">Re:</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: : Being rude implies intentionally offending someone by breaking the rules of politeness in that group. If your actions aren't going to offend anyone as this particular group is fine with it, then there is no rudeness involved. Whether you or your mother are fine with it is neither here nor there.
Posted by Twynnie[/QUOTE]

Andama08

Besides the fact that my reception is for adults only, I actually don't intend on inviting any of my preschool children to the ceremony or reception, just saying I understand the pps. However, I do intend to invite acquaintances of mine who have requested to only be invited to the ceremony. Yes they have requested. Wow, I never knew children who don't get invited to wedding receptions become rude entitled adults. It's really not that serious. Social circles have different views and opinions on what is rude and what isn't. There isn't some world guideline of what is rude because what applys to some families, groups and cultures is not the same for another. My parents feel it is rude to use foul language in front of them while my FI's parent's don't. So is it rude? It depends, and you can't just have one rule and apply it to all situations.

In Response to Re::[QUOTE]In Response to Re::

This is how innocent children become rude entitled adults. Because people think "it's okay to be rude if the people I'm being rude to don't know or care."

Ugh. My mother would have my hide if I acted this way. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]