Mom vs Stepmom - Round 1

[Deleted User]

Hello there! -

I'm new to the wedding planning bit, and while I'm very excited, the part I have dreaded for years has come up already - Mom vs Stepmom.

Quickie history:
My parents divorced 20 years ago. Shortly after, Dad met Stepmom. They have been married for 13 years, and she's been in my life for 19 years. Mom despises Stepmom, always has, probably always will.

Okay, so here's the tricky part. I love my mother, and naturally, she is the Mother of the Bride so she deserves her recognition. However - I love my stepmom too. She played a HUGE part in my upbringing and I don't want to set her in the background because she is as much of a mom to me as my biological mother is.

I don't want to steal from my mother's thunder, but my stepmom deserves the limelight too. She's always considered me a daughter - I was 4 when she came into my life! This divide is all I've known. How do I make them both stand out in their own special ways? They BOTH deserve it!

Thank you!

[Deleted User]

Shellydiane and mwhitson, I'm talking about the Mother of the Bride "recognition", shall we say. No fanfare, just the typical program listings, announcement during the reception, etc.

Lauralaur - exactly. I don't want to step on toes, but it's rough because my stepmom had stepped in where my mother couldn't. I'm the only daughter for both of them, so it's not like either will have a second chance. At my brother's wedding, my stepmom took a backseat to everything and ended up feeling left out. I know my mom is my biological mother, but my stepmom didn't give birth to her children and she's their mother all the same. I don't want to offend either of them. It's important to both me and my fiance that they're both recognized on our day.

Just looking for guidance/suggestions. Thank you for yours!

shellydiane820

list on the program "Mother of the Bride" and "Stepmother of the Bride", for the announcement at the reception "Parents of the Bride".

SarahPLiz

So list her in the program as your step mom, and introduce her as such. I don't see the issue. If your mom has a problem with it, explain to her that your love is there for both of them and one does not take away from the other. She is your stepmother whether your mom likes it or not. If she hasn't dealt with that in the past 16 years, then hopefully she can be civil for just one day for your sake.

FWIW, my step dad is the person that you can offend very easily without knowing you are doing it and he will never tell you, but will hold a grudge forever. We are listing him in the program if we have one, but I doubt there will be introductions. Everyone knows who everyone else is. Hopefully your mom isn't like my step dad. 

mwhitson14

Ditto shelly. I think you're overthinking this.

[Deleted User]

SarahPLiz - I sure hope the civility kicks in. Mom has been holding this grudge for 20 years, so I hold little hope that she'll actually let it go.

Oh and mom won't let it be known immediately that she's offended, but 3.4 years later during a disagreement, she'll bring it up as the most earth-shattering issue ever. Ugh.

[Deleted User]

TBH, I personally don't believe I'm overthinking this. I'm asking for suggestions because 1. This is my first trip down this road and 2. This has been an issue for years.

I am kindly asking for suggestions/ideas. Thanks.

mwhitson14

I understand what you are asking, thanks. I just don't want your head to explode over stressing over something that honestly is nothing but putting their names in the program.

[Deleted User]

I appreciate it, really I do. I haven't hit the point yet where my head is going to explode - which I'm sure I will shortly - so it's something that's at the forefront of my mind, that's all. As soon as venues, flowers, and dresses come into play, it'll become less and less important.

janedoe1113a

I agree that you're overthinking.  My mom isn't a fan of my step-mom either.  I'm listing them both in the program.  My mom as mother of the bride and my stepmom as stepmother of the bride.  They are both getting corsages.  What more do you want?

mwhitson14

I guess my only other advice is try to include them both in your planning, which will help them both feel involved.

ohwhynot

I'm a Mom; my children have a Stepmom.  If and when the time comes when my kids get married, they'll be in the same situation - their stepmom will have been in their lives for a very long time.  In my opinion, the ONLY decent thing to do is to acknowledge them both in the program under "Parents of the Bride:  Mother, Father, Stepmother."  Both women get the same corsage and, if you're doing a parents' dance, both women get to dance with your new husband. 

Things might get trickier if stepmom was the woman who is younger than you and dad just left your mom for her 6 months ago, but obviously that's not the case here. 

Honestly, I think your mom owes you at least this much. 

buddhagouda

How many ways and in how many languages do you need to be told to stop making it a bigger deal than it has to be? Put both their names in the program. Done and Done. 

pooh8402

"I felt the same way about my step-mother, but my mom is my mother and she would have been heartbroken if it wasn't a mother-daughter thing between us for the wedding, and my mom doesn't hate my step-mom,"

this is exactly how I feel. my stepmom was also a huge part of my upbringing, but my mama will always be my mama. both will get to walk down the aisle for the seating of the mothers and both will wear corsages, but my mom will be listed in the program as "mother of the bride." however, I am very fortunate that both of my mothers adore each other.