Wedding Etiquette Forum

making sure someone doesnt show up...

My finacee sister-in-law (brothers wife) is just shy of crazy. She flips out very easily and has never liked me from the beginning. She doesnt care for  me because she feels the family has liked me more than her from the moment i came into the picture. Plainly stated me and her are very different. She is very introverted and im very extroverted. I made my effort to be friendly, paying a cell phone bill and even giving her and old coach purse! We invited her on vacation and even babysat her children. Long story short, she flipped on everyone, including me, and cussed out me, my finacee, and other family members. Then yet again, cussed me out a second time months later. I am not the type to let go of this and I do not forgive and forget easily. People are saying not to worry about it, but i refuse to let her be in attendance at the wedding. She should have no desire to be there anways, but she is crazy and will show up if nothing is said. I dont want to start off on the wrong foot in this new family, but i feel as if she made a decision to act a fool and now must face the consequences. I am afraid i may cause a rift between my fiancee and his brother, although, they are not entirely close anways. (his brother is not a part of the wedding party). How do you think i should handle this?

Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...

  • I don't think you should handle this.  You and your FI need to come to this decision together.  This is HIS family.  He and his family should be a part of the decision.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:575dba8e-5cb8-4482-bdf3-7148770cd616">making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My finacee sister-in-law (brothers wife) is just shy of crazy. She flips out very easily and has never liked me from the beginning. She doesnt care for  me because she feels the family has liked me more than her from the moment i came into the picture. Plainly stated me and her are very different. She is very introverted and im very extroverted. I made my effort to be friendly, paying a cell phone bill and even giving her and old coach purse! We invited her on vacation and even babysat her children. Long story short, she flipped on everyone, including me, and cussed out me, my finacee, and other family members. Then yet again, cussed me out a second time months later. I am not the type to let go of this and I do not forgive and forget easily. People are saying not to worry about it, but i refuse to let her be in attendance at the wedding. She should have no desire to be there anways, but she is crazy and will show up if nothing is said. I dont want to start off on the wrong foot in this new family, but i feel as if she made a decision to act a fool and now must face the consequences. I am afraid i may cause a rift between my fiancee and his brother, although, they are not entirely close anways. (his brother is not a part of the wedding party). How do you think i should handle this?
    Posted by kladuke16[/QUOTE]
    As much as you don't like her, she's part of the family. You don't invite one half of a married couple to a wedding. Your wedding is not the place to air your grievances. How do you think your FI's brother is going to feel when his wife isn't invited? If he's a normal person, he'll be pissed, and rightfully. Suck it up and invite her. She's not going to ruin your wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:575dba8e-5cb8-4482-bdf3-7148770cd616">making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My finacee sister-in-law (brothers wife) is just shy of crazy. She flips out very easily and has never liked me from the beginning. She doesnt care for  me because she feels the family has liked me more than her from the moment i came into the picture. Plainly stated me and her are very different. She is very introverted and im very extroverted. I made my effort to be friendly, paying a cell phone bill and even giving her and old coach purse! We invited her on vacation and even babysat her children. Long story short, she flipped on everyone, including me, and cussed out me, my finacee, and other family members. Then yet again, cussed me out a second time months later. I am not the type to let go of this and I do not forgive and forget easily. People are saying not to worry about it, but i refuse to let her be in attendance at the wedding. She should have no desire to be there anways, but she is crazy and will show up if nothing is said. I dont want to start off on the wrong foot in this new family, but i feel as if she made a decision to act a fool and now must face the consequences. I am afraid i may cause a rift between my fiancee and his brother, although, they are not entirely close anways. (his brother is not a part of the wedding party). How do you think i should handle this?
    Posted by kladuke16[/QUOTE]

    What does your fiance think about all of this?

    You're entering into a marriage. I'd learn the art of forgiveness pretty quickly, especially if your FI want to keep any sort of relationship with his brother.
  • ditto dani.

    If its your FBIL's wife, he might not appreciate her not being invited. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited April 2010
    All hell would break loose if my DH went to his brother's wedding when I was specifically not invited.

    So IMO you have 2 choices... Invite them both or do not invite either of them. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Granted my fiancee doesnt like her either an dfeels the same way. I just feel like if no one holds her responsible for her actions, this stuff will continue to happen. I am not ok being disrespected. I was the bigger person everytime she flipped out me. When is enough enough? Shouldnt i invite people that support my self and my future husband and our relationship?
  • i understand where there would be friction and my fiancees brother would be angry, btu he knew about all of this happenning and no one has even acknowledged it or apologized..

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:c2adf3ea-01d4-4d79-a24d-12948c23cdf1">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Granted my fiancee doesnt like her either an dfeels the same way. I just feel like if no one holds her responsible for her actions, this stuff will continue to happen. I am not ok being disrespected. I was the bigger person everytime she flipped out me. When is enough enough? Shouldnt i invite people that support my self and my future husband and our relationship?
    Posted by kladuke16[/QUOTE]


    Unfortunately life is not that simple when it comes to immediate family.     <span style="font-weight:bold;">ALL choices good or bad come with consequences.</span>. Only you know if it's worth it or not.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • very true.
  • Ya know...I love this topic.  Because what I believe flies in the face of tradition.  I am not inviting my own mother and most of my family.  In fact, the only family member invited is one of my sisters.  I actually invited my step dad, but only if he didn't bring my mother.  This is why...none of my family has made any effort to be a part of my day to day life.  None of them ever call or come for visits.  I know some of you are saying..why dont you call or visit them.  I did..for years.  I got tired of it being a one way street.  So now on the biggest day of my life, I only want people there who matter to me and have a part of my life.  I am not about to invite people simply because we share a blood line.  Is that selfish? No..not at all...its drawing boundaries.  Are people going to be offended..absolutely.  Thats something I am prepared to address.  I will simply look them in the eye and say..if you wanted to be part of the biggest day of my life..be a part of my everyday life. 
    Now in your case...its much simpler.  That woman is abusive and creates drama.  I see no problem inviting her husband and not inviting her.  Is that proper etiquette? Probably not.  But look at it like this...you know she will probably do something to create drama on your wedding day. There is no reason you should feel you have to invite someone who is socially inept.  Address it head on though.  Don't make excuses or lie about it.  You dont have to broadcast it to the entire family, but you need to tell her husband and possibly to her face.  I would say, "I do not want you to come to my wedding because you have not treated me well in the past.  You have a track record of someone who will not behave in social settings. I am sorry if you are embarrased by my telling you this, but I would rather embarrass you here in private, rather then embarass you on my wedding day by having you physically removed when you act out."
  • What about sitting down with him and his wife, and your FI's parents, and working all of this out.  Be adults and try to talk it out and iron it out regardless of your wedding.  Your wedding isn't the time to take a stand on personal relationships.  It won't make her change her behavior, it will just make you look bad and cause a lot of drama.  You guys need to sit down and figure this out without it being about your wedding.  Your wedding will last one day, this relationship with your FI's brother and his wife is family and will last forever.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:c2adf3ea-01d4-4d79-a24d-12948c23cdf1">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Granted my fiancee doesnt like her either an dfeels the same way. I just feel like if no one holds her responsible for her actions, this stuff will continue to happen. I am not ok being disrespected. I was the bigger person everytime she flipped out me. When is enough enough? Shouldnt i invite people that support my self and my future husband and our relationship?
    Posted by kladuke16[/QUOTE]

    She's not your child, it's not your place to "hold her responsible for her actions".  Invite FBIL with his wife, or don't invite them.  They're a social unit, your decision is for both, not just her. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:c2adf3ea-01d4-4d79-a24d-12948c23cdf1">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Granted my fiancee doesnt like her either an dfeels the same way. I just feel like if no one holds her responsible for her actions, this stuff will continue to happen. I am not ok being disrespected. I was the bigger person everytime she flipped out me. When is enough enough? Shouldnt i invite people that support my self and my future husband and our relationship?
    Posted by kladuke16[/QUOTE]

    <div>You are not her parent.  You don't get to discipline her.  </div><div>
    </div><div>You can either invite them both, or cut them both from the guest list.  If you cut them both, your FI will probably never have a relationship with his brother again, and you will create a ton of family drama for him.  This is not a hill to die on.  </div>
  • I'm pretty sure throwing a tantrum about her showing up on "your day" will cause even more of a rift with your FI's family. Your option is to smile and nod. And hire security to kick her out if she tried to light the place on fire.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:564ff9c3-ab98-48e2-a104-26db11d913c0">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]FIANCE
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

    Thank you. I was scrolling down to post that very word.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:5a052e9c-de8f-4aa0-8a3d-4355c75737f4">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ya know...I love this topic.  Because what I believe flies in the face of tradition.  I am not inviting my own mother and most of my family.  In fact, the only family member invited is one of my sisters.  I actually invited my step dad, but only if he didn't bring my mother.  This is why...none of my family has made any effort to be a part of my day to day life.  None of them ever call or come for visits.  I know some of you are saying..why dont you call or visit them.  I did..for years.  I got tired of it being a one way street.  So now on the biggest day of my life, I only want people there who matter to me and have a part of my life.  I am not about to invite people simply because we share a blood line.  Is that selfish? No..not at all...its drawing boundaries.  Are people going to be offended..absolutely.  Thats something I am prepared to address.  I will simply look them in the eye and say..if you wanted to be part of the biggest day of my life..be a part of my everyday life.  Now in your case...its much simpler.  That woman is abusive and creates drama.  I see no problem inviting her husband and not inviting her.  Is that proper etiquette? Probably not.  But look at it like this...you know she will probably do something to create drama on your wedding day. There is no reason you should feel you have to invite someone who is socially inept.  Address it head on though.  Don't make excuses or lie about it.  You dont have to broadcast it to the entire family, but you need to tell her husband and possibly to her face.  I would say, "I do not want you to come to my wedding because you have not treated me well in the past.  You have a track record of someone who will not behave in social settings. I am sorry if you are embarrased by my telling you this, but I would rather embarrass you here in private, rather then embarass you on my wedding day by having you physically removed when you act out."
    Posted by tleann557[/QUOTE]

    Your situation is (mostly) different. It's one thing not to invite whole units, it's entirely different to split up married or long-term relationships.

    It's your right not to invite certain people, but you are wrong in one area: your stepdad should be allowed to bring his wife, or he should not be invited.

    GAH. I don't get the attitude of these people. Not made an effort to be a part of your day to day life? What the heck does this mean?? She doesn't call to ask what you had to eat for breakfast? I haven't talked to my mom in three days, doesn't mean jackshit. Other than we both have a life.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:5a052e9c-de8f-4aa0-8a3d-4355c75737f4">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ya know...I love this topic.  Because what I believe flies in the face of tradition.  I am not inviting my own mother and most of my family.  In fact, the only family member invited is one of my sisters.  I actually invited my step dad, but only if he didn't bring my mother.  This is why...none of my family has made any effort to be a part of my day to day life.  None of them ever call or come for visits.  I know some of you are saying..why dont you call or visit them.  I did..for years.  I got tired of it being a one way street.  So now on the biggest day of my life, I only want people there who matter to me and have a part of my life.  I am not about to invite people simply because we share a blood line.  Is that selfish? No..not at all...its drawing boundaries.  Are people going to be offended..absolutely.  Thats something I am prepared to address.  I will simply look them in the eye and say..if you wanted to be part of the biggest day of my life..be a part of my everyday life.  Now in your case...its much simpler.  That woman is abusive and creates drama.  I see no problem inviting her husband and not inviting her.  Is that proper etiquette? Probably not.  But look at it like this...you know she will probably do something to create drama on your wedding day. There is no reason you should feel you have to invite someone who is socially inept.  Address it head on though.  Don't make excuses or lie about it.  You dont have to broadcast it to the entire family, but you need to tell her husband and possibly to her face.  I would say, "I do not want you to come to my wedding because you have not treated me well in the past.  You have a track record of someone who will not behave in social settings. I am sorry if you are embarrased by my telling you this, but I would rather embarrass you here in private, rather then embarass you on my wedding day by having you physically removed when you act out."
    Posted by tleann557[/QUOTE]

    Yes.  This.  Couldn't have said it better!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_making-sure-someone-doesnt-show-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf5aa1d5-75bf-48b5-9e6e-35429a749848Post:2d3d295e-1977-4627-bfb0-15de4797d687">Re: making sure someone doesnt show up...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: making sure someone doesnt show up... : You are not her parent.  You don't get to discipline her.   You can either invite them both, or cut them both from the guest list.  If you cut them both, your FI will probably never have a relationship with his brother again, and you will create a ton of family drama for him.  This is not a hill to die on.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    I didn't get the impression she is trying to disclipline this person.  I think she is just trying to reinforce natural consequences to behavior and protect herself.  I do agree with you about the FI and brother's relationship suffering though.  OP, work with your FI around this issue.  You should address this together.
  • Thank you Joellee
    Obviously I left a lot of details out, but I just wanted to give people the idea of whats going on. I honestly feel whether she comes or not there will be future problems.(whether its about not inviting her to the wedding or that my future inlaws spoke to me more than her, kind of thing) I am not the type of person to shut my mouth and not voice my opinion, and since I never responded to any of the crap before I feel like she thinks she can do whatever she wants and its ok. Which is not the case... Its something i will have to weigh the options about. She wont ruin my day being there, but I want to have her understand that just because everyone else can look over her craziness, doesnt mean i have to. I think we will have a discussion soon...
  • no problem kla.  I have a similar situation with my FI's TWIN sister.  It's crazy, but what has helped is talking about all of my concerns with him and allowing and trusting him to handle his family.  Girl...you don't have to take sh*t from anyone, including anyone in you or his family.  Good luck with everything!  I like ur attitude haha
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