Wedding Etiquette Forum

Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts

and he's not even paying for the wedding! My fiance and I are paying for everything because a) almost everyone in my family is out of work and looking for a job, and b) the idea that my father would pay for my wedding is and always has been laughable. We are just not that type of family. I mean, I love him and he loves me, but I was the boy he never had...(think thou shalt not cry or shop). 
So even though he likes my fiance, he has been nothing but a rain cloud since the engagement occurred. My sister told him I bought a dress recently and this is all he had to say: Why are you wasting money on dresses when you have a car payment? On the venue: Why don't you just have it in your uncle's back yard? He basically thinks the whole this is a waste of money and we should put it off until we are swimming in dough (and who ever is?) If I don't like any of his "great ideas" he thinks I'm unreasonable and looking for ways to waste money. 
My biggest concern is that he'll ruin my wedding day because all he will say are comments like, "How much did those flowers cost? I think you're making a big mistake blowing all this money" (and we're trying the keep the wedding around ten thousand!). Argh. I want to just not invite him; he ruins what should be happy fun plan-making time. I wouldn't resent him for not shelling out but I do resent him for putting a negative spin on it. 

Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts

  • LOL. I can imagine how you feel about that. Dont let anyone steal the day. He most likely will be so busy looking at how nice you look and complaining about not eating yet that he wont complain. 
  • If it's your money. he has no place commenting on how you spend it.  Of course, that's assuming that you aren't spending your rent money on the wedding instead of on rent!

    Ditto Katelyn-brianna, you need to quit sharing details and ask your sister to do the same.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfb93afc-0826-4090-9504-992135bbb775Post:f8e7da16-b934-45a9-92e2-d26372aa8d3a">Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one owes you a wedding, not even your parents.  If your family is in tough financial straights due to job loss, I can see why he's harping on every dime. While it stinks he's ragging on your constantly, you can just opt to not share details with him.
    Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

    kate, please don't use the expression "ragging", it's considered pretty derogatory to women
  • Since you are paying for it yourself, he really shouldn't complain.  I agree you should stop sharing details with him.
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  • I would just stop sharing details with him and ignore his comments.  If you feel like you need to respond to him, say something like, "We've budgeted to be able to afford x," and then change the subject.  Don't let him ruin anything for you.  If you've budgeted and feel confident about what you're spending your money on, then don't let him get to you.  
  • haha, no, it's not quite that bad

    "ragging" implies that a woman is menstruating, therefore totally allowed to be irrational or nasty
  • No, I am frugal as well. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I had bought something materialistic instead of paying a bill. I always pay everything on time and never over-extend, so that's why I'm so irritated that he's accusing me of overspending. And I completely agree, it's no one's responsibility but my own to throw me a wedding, I just want them to keep their unhelpful, insulting thoughts to themselves if it's my money and not theirs.
  • I'm sorry that your dad seems to be a wet blanket.

    Your post does sort of beg the question: can you afford a wedding right now?  I completely apologize if this doesn't apply to you, but I have definitely heard of instances where brides ask their parents for help paying for rent, utilities, etc. when they are simultaneously spending thousands on a dress, flowers, etc. 


  • You certainly are not the only person that thinks that what it means.

    sorry, peeve of mine

  • I seriously feel your pain, after about 2 days of being engaged (mind you we've been engaged for 1 month today, mom is a hurry up and plan it all now person), my mom was down my throat about money, wedding size, anything she could complain about she would. And the same with us, we are paying for 90% of it. After numerous phone calls ending in fights, and numerous discussions on why we want more than just MY family in attendance, as well as many days in tears and i believe a post or 2 on here about her, it's not worth it. In the end its your day, your day to remember, your money. If he is going to continue to nag, judge and make rude comments, just smile and say "your right dad, my happiness on my day is not important". Leave it at that and say no more. If he continues, then i highly suggest either removing any communication until the wedding, or discuss no wedding plans in his presence.

    Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. -Bob Marley

  • wyneywyney member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfb93afc-0826-4090-9504-992135bbb775Post:dd1cf76d-cf89-444e-8759-9ada5f6aba27">Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
    [QUOTE]You certainly are not the only person that thinks that what it means. sorry, peeve of mine
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

    Ragging has several meanings in different English speaking cultures, and sometimes more than one definition in that culture. 

    To say someone is ragging on another is not inherently sexist or derogatory.  Of course, the word will always have some negative connotations because to rag on someone is a negative action. 

    In this context, I did't see any sexism.  While admittedly some words and phrases are hijacked to subjugate or belittle subpopulations, I don't think this phrase is so entrenched in negativity that it's proper use should be considered blasphemous or offensive.

    I would think that the use of "she's on the rag" as an explanation for or rebuke of some sort of unpleasant behavior or confrontational statement coming from a woman is derogatory, and should in fact be done without.

    If the origin of the expression 'to rag on' really is sexist, I apologize for my ignorance.
  • Try using the term in a working environment and see how fast you're shown the door.

    In HR, it is considered sexual harassment.

    ywia
  • OP, I'm sorry your dad is being a pain and a stick in the mud. Just ignore him, don't talk about the wedding with him, and remember that you're going to have a fabulous and happy wedding. And you can plan it however you want since you're paying for it!
    Good luck!
  • Thanks everyone! I feel much better now; ranting does wonders. I regret that he won't play a bigger part in all of this, but at the end of the day it's mine and my FI's party and we are going to enjoy it!
  • " the idea that my father would pay for my wedding is and always has been laughable."

    Same here. Do we have the same father? However, what was nice was that my dad lived (lives) across the country and since he had no financial stake in my wedding, he didn't criticize my choices. At least not to my face. He's complained to my brother before about things like that fact I bought a new car. BUT he didn't know details of the wedding until he got there. And on my wedding day, he was just really overwhelmed, being my dad and all, so I don't think he judged. Just don't share too many details. After the wedding is over, I'm sure you'll find out he enjoyed it immensely.
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  • wyneywyney member
    10 Comments
    edited April 2011
    Thanks OOT for the info on that!

    I had never heard that phrase used in a deragotory way before today.  I only saw it defined in a deragotory way on sites like urban dictionary after looking it up--not exactly an authority on etymology and language.

    I have an opposing pet peeve when political correctness supplants correctness.  I still believe proper English and colloquial English use the phrase as defined by the dictionary, and have never heard it used as sexism.  I would have been shocked to ever hear or anyway being reprimanded for this phrase. 

    I myself do not like to be told I can't use a word or phrase because that has a place in vernacular without subjugating or belittling others because some people use it in a deragotory way....and wouldn't be surprised if when I mean to say that someone was being ragged on, that I won't say they were being ragged on...because all my life I had heard that phrase without even an inkling of referencing women or menstruation.  In fact, the images it evokes are a bunch of boys criticizing another for his choice of sports team or something.  I find removing words and phrases that aren't inflammatory and hateful much more offensive than the phrase in question.

    It's been interesting to hear about this.  Thank you for your insight and perspective, as much as it's unacceptability peeves me.

    OP-  I think it sucks that your dad is rebuking your ideas.  if he's not paying and not helping, he's not hosting.  So think of him as a guest or nosy coworker and just don't share the details.  No harm in being surprised by the details when you're not being surprised with a bill afterward.

    But, in he is still financially supporting or aiding you, or you only recently became financially independent.... that changes the game.
  • OP, we must be sisters because I swear we have the same father. After we booked our venue and my dad found out the cost we got into an argument and he actually said he could take back the permission he gave me FI for my hand in marriage (my FI asked for my fathers permission before asking me)!! Like he somehow had control over it. He also suggested we hold the reception at Don Mee's the local chinese food restaurant! He's also not paying for our wedding, so you get my point. I have really tried to limit the wedding info he get's but he's always asking me and I can't lie. I so feel your pain. I'm worried my dad is going to be that nag on the wedding day, especially when he sees how fabulous my wedding is. If you figure out how to keep these nagging nellies at bay let me know please!! Good luck.
  • I Know it stinks that he is being a PIA but In his own way, your Dad is probably just looking out for your financial well being.  Especially since he knows what it is like to be in financial straits, he does not want you to experience the same thing.  Try to understand where he is coming from with it, don't share the details, and let him enjoy the day as your father.  If he mentions it again, tell him not to worry, you are budgeting carefully and are not overspending. Have a wonderful wedding.
  • Haha Sarah they really do sound similar! As much as I'd like to believe he's looking out for my financial well-being, it's likely more accurate that he can't handle not being in control and calling the shots, even if it's not his event. My FI asked my dad before asking me too and I was appalled! 

  • edited April 2011

    My father is very, very similar to this. He's constantly making comments about money, asking how much we've paid off our home loan and making the suggestion that we waste all of our funds. He loves to lecture. Just after my ceremony, he pulled me aside and essentially told me off for misplacing the keys for the house where we'd held the ceremony, and then demanded that I run around and find them- meanwhile, I'd just got MARRIED, and my photog is freaking out because the sun was about to set and we were losing shooting time. The photo below from my reception pretty much explains my relationship with my Dad perfectly:


     

    Haha. That said, he's ridiculous, stingy and loves to criticise, but he also loves me. He was really proud on the day and couldn't wipe the smile off his face the next day. Lecturing me/telling me off is his attempt at being a good parent- and although it frustrates me, I appreciate that he is the way he is and that despite his shortcomings and poor judgement at times, he does love me. I'm sure it's the same with your Dad, even though it can be frustrating!

  • OP, I feel you.  My dad hasn't made comments like that (other family members have, though!  And I'm only in the idea stage at this point - I haven't actually purchased anything or made any deposits!)  But dad definitely has some kind of aversion to sitting down and coming up with constructive plans regarding budget, guest list, etc., instead opting to just whinge about price quotes from places I'm looking at.

    I'm fully expecting him to go on a supermarket rampage a la Steve Martin in Father of the Bride, removing superfluous hot dog buns from the packages and such. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_penny-pinching-fathera-rant-of-sorts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfb93afc-0826-4090-9504-992135bbb775Post:f8e7da16-b934-45a9-92e2-d26372aa8d3a">Re: Penny pinching father...a rant of sorts</a>:
    [QUOTE]No one owes you a wedding, not even your parents.  If your family is in tough financial straights due to job loss, I can see why he's harping on every dime. While it stinks he's ragging on your constantly, you can just opt to not share details with him.
    Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

    <div>Did you actually read the OP?  He isn't paying for it - he's just giving her crap about how she and her FI spend their own money.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, ignore him.  It's none of his business how you choose to spend your money.</div>
  • OP - You should try talking to him about how his comment are affecting you. Maybe he really is just trying to help and put things in perspective. He's your dad and is probably trying to protect you. Maybe he doesn't know how financially sound you are and how responsible you're being about paying bills and saving in addition to paying for the wedding things. I would talk to him about it before you decide to stop sharing and cut him out of all wedding talk.
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