Worried About Racist Relatives

Porphyriassong

Let me start out with the fact that I LOVE my family.  However, being from a rather monochromatic area of the country, they don't really know or care that certain names for minorities are unacceptable.  The problem is the same for gays.  My fiancee and I have gay and minority friends who are invited to the wedding and in our party and I'm afraid one of my uncles will casually toss of something like "The cake table is by  those Chinamen" without thinking.  Do I have my dad talk to his brothers?  Should I just cross my fingers that nothing offensive is said and cross that bridge if it does?  I'm at a loss.

PinkGold&Roses

You might want your dad to talk to them.  I don't know how they would react, but that behaviour is definitely not acceptable.  Talk to your parents and see what they have to say about it.

sarah0725

There are a few people who are prone to saying racist things who are coming to our wedding (including Charlie's speedskating coach). I'm sitting them all at the same table and putting that table in a corner.

KentuckyKate

The few people I know who say things like that only say it to close friends and family members because they think they're being funny, but they know better than to make those types of jokes to strangers or in a formal setting.  Hopefully your relatives are like that too and you have nothing to worry about.

If it were me, and these people truly made racist comments all the time, I would say something to that person each and every time I heard a particular comment like that, and then it would be no surprise when I asked that they refrain from using slurs about my friends at my wedding.

I'm all for putting people like this in their place.  It's 2011 and that type of behavior is not acceptable ever.  But if they do say anything inappropriate at your wedding, remember that they will look like asses, not you.

Rockerchick842

I would talk to your father about their comments and seat them as far away from everyone as possible.

mica178

I'd probably seat them in a remote corner.  In general, I find that most prejudiced people  say racist things in private but not in public because even they know what is socially acceptable behavior.  There's a good chance that those relatives will be perfectly fine.

DeannaCW

I agree with seating them away from people they may insult.  Some of my family is, well... let's just say, conservative Christian Americans that really don't know anything about Islam from what they see in the news (ie, the bad parts).  One uncle in particular has said some not-pretty things about Muslims.  One of FI's friends happens to be a Muslim from Kuwait.  Our solution will be not just to seat him far from my uncle, but also to warn said friend, just in case he happens to overhear something.  It's not like they'd try to offend, they just don't really know better. So we figure, give the friend a head's up, just in case, so he knows to let it slide off him and not get PO'd.

Porphyriassong

The problem with just seating them in a corner is that people mingle at weddings.  Everyone gathers by the cake table, everyone's on the dance floor, so it's not like I can just put a box around all of my potentially insensitive guests.  Another thing is, as I tried to demonstrate with my example, is that their racism/ homophobia isn't necessarily out of hatred,  just ignorance that you don't call Asians "Chinamen" for example.  They also don't live in my town so I don't see them on a regular basis to demonstrate my personal discomfort with their attitude. 

Maggie214624

I think a heads up to the guests who might be "victim" to this unfortunate commentary is not a bad idea.  As a guest, I would rather be prepared knowing someone might say something rather than being blindsided.  I don't think you need to explicitly tell your guests what you think they might say but perhaps letting them know they are pretty sheltered (or whatever word seems appropriate).  I do think it is a good idea for your Dad to have a talk with them also.

Soon2BeMrsTing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_worried-racist-relatives?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d01327d2-b78d-4d17-a55f-d438ea56b349Post:32e0618d-b75e-491f-a3b6-eedd0bcb2f6e">Re: Worried About Racist Relatives</a>:
[QUOTE]We recently learned that Grandma isn't able to attend the wedding, due to health reasons, and we are so relieved!  She is 87, and she is a racist.  Daughter is marrying a lovely young man of mixed Asian/Caucasian heritage.  Most of his relatives that will be attending are Asian (Chinese) American. FI is 2nd generation.  I don't get on well with Grandma, and every time I talk on the phone with her she says something about Fi's "Chinese" family.  Well, you can't choose your family.  She is 1100 miles away from the wedding, so it is unlikely that they will ever meet. When someone makes a racist statement, they look like a fool.  Remember, OP, that does not reflect on you , only on the fool.  I occasionally ask Grandma if she's interested in joining the KKK.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I'm glad your grandma wasn't at our wedding, CMGr! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

courtney1188

I'd have your dad say something. I've already told FI that he better talk to his immediate family because if any comments are made towards or about my Muslim/black/gay/whatever friends and co-workers I'm not going to be very happy about it. I grew up right around the Detroit/Dearborn area and them in the country, where according to them *everyone* is racist, which apparantely makes it okay. Um, no. He'll be warning/discussing with them.

SparrowSong

Unfortunately having a wedding doesn't mean you get to control the universe that day. D!ckwad racist relatives aren't going to change based on anything said to them in advance. You can't suddenly educate them, undo a lifetime of having a closed mind, and convince them that all people are equal and have everything be puppies and rainbows. Just try to relax and know that their behavior reflects poorly on them, not on you. And I agree with PP that the best thing to do might be to give a heads up to your friends, "sorry that there are a couple ignorant uncles who might be rude to you..." but I'd let it go at that.

mrsbruff2b

I am Asian-Canadian and DFH is Caucasian.  There is racial slurs that go both ways.  LIke PP said, you can't suddenly "educate" them and control what happens.  Even trying to "minimize" it will be pointless.  I understand you want to soften the merging of the two families, but in the end you need to remember that despite all the ignorance, the two of YOU got together and you love each other.  Sometimes, you'll just have to let things slide.