Wedding Etiquette Forum

"Intimate" Ceremony

A friend of mine asked me for advice, and I'm really not sure what to tell her. I think what she's doing is okay, but I told her I'd ask E just to be sure.

She's planning to have a very small wedding with his parents, her parents, their siblings, their siblings' spouses, and their nieces (ages 9, 4, and 16-months).

Due to the size of their families, this brings the total to 20 people. They are not having attendants. Two of their siblings are going to serve as witnesses. The courthouse limit is ten people, so they're having the ceremony in the university chapel. They're taking everyone out for dinner and drinks afterward.

Is this still considered small enough for them to consider it a "small, private wedding"? Her mother wants to throw them an AHR a few weeks later, but my friend is worried 20 guests is too many to consider it an "intimate ceremony", even though it's truly immediate family.

She isn't having a shower or registering, and she isn't going to wear her dress to the AHR. They're going to have catered food, an open bar, a DJ, and a non-wedding cake. They do plan to have spotlight dances and cut the cake because her family really wants that, but that's as wedding-y as it gets.

Re: "Intimate" Ceremony

  • I would think that's fine given it's immediate family that is invited.
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  • I think it's fine, it truly is just immediate family. But if your friend is uncomfortable with it to the point of really not wanting it, she could decline the offer or try to negotiate some of the terms (i.e. the spotlight dances or having a more casual affair or something like that).
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  • I think it is fine. It actually does fit the definition of private.
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  • She's okay with the AHR. She's just worried the wedding is "too big" and people will wonder why they couldn't be invited if she already had more than ten people there. I told her that since it's just her parents and siblings, people probably won't have a canary over it, and if they do, she can come up with something diplomatic to settle their feathers. It's not like she's inviting 50 people to the wedding and 150 to the AHR. It's more like 20/200.

    I'm sending her a link to this thread, btw. ;) Maybe she'll join the site.
  • I think it sounds fine.  
  • Sounds perfectly fine, wrigley. It's not so much about the number as who makes up that number (to a degree). If it was only 10 people, but five of those were friends, it would be grounds for people to get upset, for instance.

    Off-topic, but I love the Pug, Wrigley! Is it yours?
  • I think it's fine.
  • Your question really focused on the number 20, which I think is fine.  We did the same thing, and came up with 25.

    I just wanted to suggest that you caution your friend that some of the people who are invited to the AHR will not come because they were not invited to the actual wedding and their feelings are hurt.  It won't matter to them that she had FAMILY ONLY.  They will still think that she should have had 40 people there, which CERTAINLY would have included them as NEARLY FAMILY.  And they will think that that AHR is just a gift-collection event, so that those not invited to the actual wedding ceremony will be dinged for a gift.

    Reminds me of the FRIENDS episode where Chandler and Monica are telling Janice that they are having a VERY SMALL FAMILY ONLY wedding.  And Janice gasps, and says, "OH.MY.GOD.  I am so very flattered that you think of me as your family."
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d08b895a-cf2a-496f-9de8-b346c2dfcabfPost:9c741254-f462-4f18-aa29-b1331c2caee1">Re: "Intimate" Ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sounds perfectly fine, wrigley. It's not so much about the number as who makes up that number (to a degree). If it was only 10 people, but five of those were friends, it would be grounds for people to get upset, for instance. Off-topic, but<strong> I love the Pug, Wrigley! Is it yours?</strong>
    Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]
    Nope. We loooooooove pugs, but I'm horribly allergic to dogs. :( I don't think we'll ever be able to get one.<div>
    </div><div>Stage - she has 20 for the wedding and is inviting around 200 for the AHR.</div>
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