Wedding Etiquette Forum

I'm gonna cry...

So, I've mentioned before that my FMIL has cancer. She's got stage 2 esophogeal, but she's had Hodgkin's twice since she was twenty-five. Basically she got cancer from the treatments of her other cancer. And because of the scarring of her last radiation, and all the other things, they can't help her. At least, not here. They can keep it from matastasizing, but unless she goes down to the Mayo Clinic (we live up in Alberta, Canada) for a very complicated surgery, she won't make it through this thing.

ANYWAY, I didn't come on here to ramble on about that. Sorry to bring everyone down. My issue today, folks, is that my FMILs friends from the church where FI grew up/his dad's the head pastor/we're having our ceremony are throwing me a shower. I'm very honored, and very grateful. However, FMIL may be down in Scottsdale for surgery at that time, or back recovering and not able to attend either way. I got an email from the hostess saying that my FFIL said to have it "no matter how FMIL is". I don't know whether to be upset or just sad. I don't want to have a shower without her threre. But my mother has already RSVP'd for us both, and I don't want to be rude and decline, but we won't find out if she can make it likely until the last second, so if I do decline because she won't be there, it will be a lot of work put into it for nothing. This may just be a vent; I don't know what I'm asking here. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Re: I'm gonna cry...

  • As much as it might upset you, you should continue on. Your FMIL would probably feel guilty if you canceled, and that she is keeping you from enjoying your wedding. 
  • I'm so sorry to hear about your FMIL. If you're not comfotable having the shower, then please decline it as soon as you can. If it doesn't feel right, then you'll be sad the whole time and won't enjoy it. I'm sure the host wiill understand. If you have your finances and FFIL/SFMILs blessing, and WANT the shower, then it's okay to keep it as planned. People who are ill often don't want people to change their plans because of their illness.
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  • Ditto Snippy.

    I'm sure it's unimaginably difficult to fathom having the shower without her.  But if FFIL is saying to do it regardless, you should believe that he's speaking for his wife's wishes, and that she would want you to continue on without her.  It might make her feel even worse to know that you canceled your shower because of her absence. 

    Maybe you can send her a bouquet of flowers the day of the shower to let her know that you're thinking of and missing her?
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  • I agree with Snippy on this one. I am really sorry to hear about your FMIIL, and it sucks you're in this situation. I hope she is feeling well enough to attend - I'm sure you'll both have a great time!
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

    I also think you should attend the shower and enjoy it as much as possible considering the circumstances.
  • seesawgirlseesawgirl member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2012
    I'm so sorry that you and your FI are going through this. I lost my best friend to cancer 5 years ago, and I still hurt when I think about her. I understand the feelings of guilt you may be having over moving forward with your plans. When my friend was diagnosed, her brother was planning on getting married in 6 months, and she had hoped to be better by then, but she wasn't, and they discussed postponing the wedding until after she was better. When she got word of that, she got angry, and called them to come see her, and said "do you think that I don't already feel bad enough? Do you want me to feel worse, knowing that you are putting your life on hold for me? I want to be there, but I can't. Go, get married. Take pictures, and video, and bring them back and show me." So they did, and the day after the wedding, they stopped by the hospital, and spent the day looking at pictures, and watching the wedding video, and they saved her a bit of wedding cake. I was there with her, and that day with them showing her their wedding was the happiest I had ever seen her. She was genuinely happy that they went ahead with their plans, and would have been angry if they had done any different. Anyways, what I would suggest, is doing something similar. Take pictures of the shower, video if you can, and show it to her, let her be involved that way. I know it doesn't make it any easier for you, but it would be what she wants, I'm sure.
  • I am so sorry. *hugs*

    I think if they are okay with going forward than that is what you should do, that way you can show FMIL pictures and you'll know that she was there in your hearts.
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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this!

    Have you considered looking into treatment options in Manitoba (I live in MB and while it's probably one of the ugliest, most boring places to live EVER, our Minister of Health just announced a huge amount of funding going towards cancer treatment and new treatment options becoming available ASAP) or Ontario (I used to work for the Ministry of Health and whenever Manitoba didn't have the resources to treat someone they would be referred to Toronto or the Mayo Clinic).

    Have your FMIL check with her government health care plan about her out-of-province benefits plan. Is she gets her doc to send in paperwork saying the only possible course of action is sending your FMIL to the Mayo, Alberta Health should pay for most of the surgery.

    I don't mean to come off as calous or anything with the two paragraphs above. Both of my grandparents have/had cancer (gma passed in early April this year) so I know what you're going through and if you want to talk feel free to PM me.
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  • Please take Snippy's advice.  I helped take care of my MIL when she was dying of cancer.  It wasn't diagnosed til she was already stage 4.  It was VERY important to her that she maintain her "mom" place in the family where she was also taking care of us and not just us taking care of her.

    If your FFIL told the hosts to go with the shower I'm sure it is because he and FMIL spoke about it and this is what she wants.  The worst thing you can do is treat her like a cancer patient.  Treat her like FMIL.  If she wants this shower to move forward the BEST thing you can do is accept it and hope for the best.  If she can't be with you then you and fi can maybe video some of it and make sure to show her your gifts.  You might even be able to do skype.  Think outside the box and let her drive this train.
  • I'm so sorry. I agree with PPs. I will add that Mayo actually has good internet connections in the rooms and if she has a computer there you could potentially stream some of it or definitely email pictures. The Mayo here is lovely(as hospitals go) and has great people working there-my FSIL works there, and both she and my FMIL have had surgeries there. Thinking of you.
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  • I am sorry about your FMIL having anyone sick during this time is really sad.  I hope she does feel well enough to attend your shower 
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