Invites

Snowbunnie091011

-

mica178

I'd invite her to let her know that you're thinking about her and care about her.  She can make the decision to come or not.

ootmother2

she's not Thor, she can't steal the thunder

Invite her if you want or whatever

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-illnesses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1511345-572f-4c06-998e-9b15918e1e0bPost:317abefb-22ad-48fb-9357-91ab55179f78">Invites and Illnesses</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All, I am wrestiling with how to handle an invitation issue that's extremely touchie.  My best friend all through grade and highschool and I started to grow apart after we graduated in 2001. For the first few years after, we still stayed in fairly frequent contact, but didn't see each other often due to long distance.  She has since moved with her parents to NC.  Our wedding is in OH.  In 2005 she finally confesses to me that she has numerous health issues (always had been frail) and a host of emotional issues as well.  It placed an extremely heavy burden to shoulder her over the course of that year, and finally I really had to take several large steps back because I couldn't even handle my own life.  The last time she visited OH was for her cousin's wedding in 2008 and she had a massive allergy attack that left her in the hospital for a week.  I have the very strong feeling that she will want/expect an invitation to the wedding and might even expect some role to fill.  My fiance has never met her, I haven't seen her in over 7 years, I don't talk with her for months at a time (often because medically she can't).  Even if I did invite her a)the finances would be challenging b)emotionally it'd be taxing c)the environment could make her sick and finally d) (I don't want to sound selfish here but) I feel like she'd need to a lot of special attention and she'd steal the thunder So the question is - how do I break it to her that while she's important to me, ultimately I don't feel I can invite her???  I don't think that medically or emotionally she's ever going to recover.  I feel terribly guilty and I feel like there's no way to avoid hurting her... What do I do and how???
Posted by Snowbunnie091011[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>In response to your reasons:</div><div>
</div><div> a)the finances would be challenging - <strong>Not your decision to make for her.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>b)emotionally it'd be taxing - <strong>Not your decision to make for her.</strong></div><div>
</div><div>c)the environment could make her sick - <strong>Not your decision to make for her.  </strong></div><div>
</div><div>d) (I don't want to sound selfish here but) I feel like she'd need to a lot of special attention and she'd steal the thunder - <strong>Too bad, you sound way selfish here.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Basically, your excuses are ridiculous.  If you don't want to invite her, that's fine.  But if these are your reasons, that's BS.  Invite her and let her decide if it's too expensive, too emotionally taxing, and too compromising to her immune system.  </div>

ConKFA319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-illnesses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1511345-572f-4c06-998e-9b15918e1e0bPost:46bc54b3-c3aa-4c68-90ff-cdc9ae9d49f2">Re: Invites and Illnesses</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Invites and Illnesses : In response to your reasons:  a)the finances would be challenging - Not your decision to make for her. b)emotionally it'd be taxing - Not your decision to make for her. c)the environment could make her sick - Not your decision to make for her.   d) (I don't want to sound selfish here but) I feel like she'd need to a lot of special attention and she'd steal the thunder - Too bad, you sound way selfish here. Basically, your excuses are ridiculous.  If you don't want to invite her, that's fine.  But if these are your reasons, that's BS.  Invite her and let her decide if it's too expensive, too emotionally taxing, and too compromising to her immune system.  
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>Yup.</div><div>
</div><div>And seriously, you're worried that if she came to the wedding and had a medical emergency while there, it would steal your thunder? Why are you worrying about your "thunder" instead of your friend? Seriously?</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, back to your original point. At the end of the day, it's your decision whether or not you invite her. Just make sure if you don't that your reasoning is a little more reasonable than thunder-stealing.</div>

mandi921vh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-illnesses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1511345-572f-4c06-998e-9b15918e1e0bPost:daac544b-1182-48db-8f5c-fbe218a142ec">Re: Invites and Illnesses</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want to invite her, invite her.  Let her decide if she is able.  If you don't want to invite her, then don't.  Also, don't say that someone having a medical emergency at your wedding will steal your thunder.  That's horrible and callous.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. </div>

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-illnesses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1511345-572f-4c06-998e-9b15918e1e0bPost:317abefb-22ad-48fb-9357-91ab55179f78">Invites and Illnesses</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello All, I am wrestiling with how to handle an invitation issue that's extremely touchie.  My best friend all through grade and highschool and I started to grow apart after we graduated in 2001. For the first few years after, we still stayed in fairly frequent contact, but didn't see each other often due to long distance.  She has since moved with her parents to NC.  Our wedding is in OH.  In 2005 she finally confesses to me that she has numerous health issues (always had been frail) and a host of emotional issues as well.  It placed an extremely heavy burden to shoulder her over the course of that year, and finally I really had to take several large steps back because I couldn't even handle my own life.  The last time she visited OH was for her cousin's wedding in 2008 and she had a massive allergy attack that left her in the hospital for a week.  I have the very strong feeling that she will want/expect an invitation to the wedding and might even expect some role to fill.  My fiance has never met her, I haven't seen her in over 7 years, I don't talk with her for months at a time (often because medically she can't).  Even if I did invite her a)the finances would be challenging b)emotionally it'd be taxing c)the environment could make her sick and finally d) (I don't want to sound selfish here but) I feel like she'd need to a lot of special attention and she'd steal the thunder So the question is - <strong>how do I break it to her that while she's important to me, ultimately I don't feel I can invite her???</strong>  I don't think that medically or emotionally she's ever going to recover.  I feel terribly guilty and I feel like there's no way to avoid hurting her... What do I do and how???
Posted by Snowbunnie091011[/QUOTE]

It is rude to point out to someone that they will not be invited to the wedding.  Seriously, how would that talk go?  As others said, it is your choice to invite her or not.  If you are not going to invite her, don't make a point to tell her.  If she pushes for an invite, just use the usual replies (small wedding, budget constraints, couldn't invite everyone we wanted to, etc, etc).

But as others said, don't try to pretend you are doing it for her sake.  Own the fact that  maybe this relationship is too difficult for you to maintain and that you want to cut ties with her.  Because that is what you are doing.  And when it comes down to it,  you should be honest to yourself and to her.

SparrowSong

I'd invite her and assume she's not going to be able to come.

Even if she did, she will not be the center of attention.

HappinessByTheKilowatt

I think you sound like a jerk, and your friend is better off without you. So don't invite her, and do her the favor.

AdeleDazeem

You graduated high school is 2001?  So you're... 26 or 27?  That's way too old to be behaving this way. 

Weddings are about getting married and celebrating that union.  They are NOT about making you center, be all, end, all and mostimportantpersonEVAR!!!  Your friend is sick and all you can think about is yourself.

Classy.

lyndausvi

Ditto DNB.

you are WAY over-thinking this.  Do you not have any real issues to worry about or do you prefer to make up un-necessary drama?

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invites-illnesses?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1511345-572f-4c06-998e-9b15918e1e0bPost:6f0f851e-cf7c-4ff8-82e9-d8c225a9d103">Re: Invites and Illnesses</a>:
[QUOTE]This post really makes me angry.  We have many people with emotional and health issues that are invited to my daughter's wedding.  I don't know who will be able to come, since it is 1100 miles for some of them.  To use this is a reason to cut them from the guest list is shallow, to say the least! Everybody on this board has SOMEBODY in ill health, either physical or emotional, that will be invited to their weddings because these people are important to them. Shame on you, OP!  YOU are not someone who would be on our guest list!
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

This post struck a nerve with me, too.  It's crappy to be a fair weather friend.  If you can't support her through her illness, fine, but don't make it her fault.  In the same vein, if you don't want to invite her to the wedding, fine, but don't make excuses for her if you don't invite her. 

thesequel

Definition of friends - people you want in your life and care about, especially when they are SICK, to share the happy moments with you...

You are not being a good friend.  You sound like you are making up excuses to not invite her.  If you don't want to, then don't...but don't make up excuses.

How would she steal your thunder?  Are you worried that she will *gasp* ruin your wedding by having a medical emergency?  I'd be more worried about the friend's health than a big party.

meganiobe

You don't get to make the decision about her health, if she is able to come she should be able to, If you dont' want to invite her then dont', but you can't uninvite her because of her health.

missy68

I'm not sure I have proper words to convey how this makes me feel inside.

Just know they'd probably get me banned.

Send.her.an.invite.