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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rant about FFIL

My FI's father has been anything but helpful in our wedding, no help financially or mentally. My father went with my FI to get his suit and my parents have helped to get him what he needs, cuff links, shoes, etc. So our wedding shower was last weekend and he didn't come, ok I can push that off as he is old school and those things werent originally for men, even though my father was going. He did not have the courtesy to even call my mother and say he wouldn't go. Anyways our RSVP date was last Saturday. We haven't heard from him yet. My FI has called him and he says he is getting around to it. WTF does that mean? BTW his daughter my FSIL was one of my bridesmaids who bailed on me and bought a dress but decided she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, I guess, she hasn't talked to me about anything. I am just beyond annoyed, I mean it's his son's wedding and we are trying hard to include him because it's what you do, but he just wants us miserable it seems. 

My FI is little help because it's his father. I don't want to push my FI away and I understand I'm marrying his family as much as I'm marrying him but his mother isn't in the picture and hasn't been and his dad really seems like he'd rather be out of the picture as well. What am I to do?

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Re: Rant about FFIL

  • Do you need a meal choice?  If so, call him and ask him what he wants to eat.  And then move on with your life.

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  • People aren't going to care about your wedding as much as you do.  Even if it is your FFIL.  I don't see how him not helping is him wanting you to be miserable.  Maybe he's just not big into weddings.
  • 1) Maybe the guy just doesn't like weddings. Don't push him to be excited/participate in WR things.

    2) Your FSIL has done half of her duties. She bought the dress. The other half requires her to show up. Is she at least planning on doing that? If so, she hasn't bailed on you as a BM.

    3) You do nothing about the relationship between your FI and his family. They're HIS family. I know it can be hard to watch and be a bystander to all this. Especially if you feel your FI is getting the raw end of the deal, but there's nothing you can do. It's his family, and whatever relationship he has with them is his.
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  • He doesn't have to help financially.  If he doesn't want to be involved, stop trying to make him.
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  • We are having a buffet style dinner, so no need for dinner choice. 

    I understand he doesn't have to be involved but I think he should be helping my FI with his suit and stuff like that.

    I understand financially he doesn't need to help. However when we had asked if he planned on contributing his response was he would think about it, and everytime since was he was thinking. I wish he had said in the beginning he couldn't/wouldn't. Unless he has a check waiting on us he isn't helping, since the wedding is two weeks away at this point. 

    My FSIL was asked to attend our shower, I know I can't make her, however I had needed her to pick her dress up, I even offered to drive she took a break from her life as she put it and has yet to return. Anyways my FI had a talk with her as it is his sister and she let him know that she was busy with other things. Ok.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:0d358bc3-3287-4b03-aeea-04d27101ffd0">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FFIL isn't interested or involved either.  A lot of guys aren't into weddings.  It's okay.
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]
    Yup, my FFIL has next to no interest in the wedding, and he's my FI's best man. Doesn't mean he doesn't support my FI in other, NWR ways.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:491712c0-4be0-4291-8cf7-de1693aa01bd">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a buffet style dinner, so no need for dinner choice.  I understand he doesn't have to be involved but I think he should be helping my FI with his suit and stuff like that. I understand financially he doesn't need to help. <strong>However when we had asked if he planned on contributing his response was he would think about it, and everytime since was he was thinking. </strong>I wish he had said in the beginning he couldn't/wouldn't. Unless he has a check waiting on us he isn't helping, since the wedding is two weeks away at this point.  My FSIL was asked to attend our shower, I know I can't make her, however I had needed her to pick her dress up, I even offered to drive she took a break from her life as she put it and has yet to return. Anyways my FI had a talk with her as it is his sister and she let him know that she was busy with other things. Ok.
    Posted by DanniLynn88[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Perhaps he is being crappy to you because you are hounding him about money. You should never ask someone for a handout.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:491712c0-4be0-4291-8cf7-de1693aa01bd">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a buffet style dinner, so no need for dinner choice.  I understand he doesn't have to be involved but I think he should be helping my FI with his suit and stuff like that. I understand financially he doesn't need to help. However when we had asked if he planned on contributing his response was he would think about it, and everytime since was he was thinking. I wish he had said in the beginning he couldn't/wouldn't. Unless he has a check waiting on us he isn't helping, since the wedding is two weeks away at this point.  <strong>My FSIL was asked to attend our shower, I know I can't make her, however I had needed her to pick her dress up, I even offered to drive she took a break from her life as she put it and has yet to return. Anyways my FI had a talk with her as it is his sister and she let him know that she was busy with other things. Ok.</strong>
    Posted by DanniLynn88[/QUOTE]
    I'm confused. Just because she can't make it to your shower and she didn't want to go with you to pick up the dress, she's not a bridesmaid? Or did she never pick it up and now she can't? Periods and complete sentences are extremely helpful.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:491712c0-4be0-4291-8cf7-de1693aa01bd">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a buffet style dinner, so no need for dinner choice.  I understand he doesn't have to be involved but I think he should be helping my FI with his suit and stuff like that. I understand financially he doesn't need to help. However when we had asked if he planned on contributing his response was he would think about it, and everytime since was he was thinking. I wish he had said in the beginning he couldn't/wouldn't. Unless he has a check waiting on us he isn't helping, since the wedding is two weeks away at this point.  My FSIL was asked to attend our shower, I know I can't make her, however I had needed her to pick her dress up, I even offered to drive she took a break from her life as she put it and has yet to return. Anyways my FI had a talk with her as it is his sister and she let him know that she was busy with other things. Ok.
    Posted by DanniLynn88[/QUOTE]

    I feel like your expectations for his family are way too high, which could be making them pull away. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:d3576c05-088f-4b7b-9a2e-dd1b408abaaf">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rant about FFIL : I feel like your expectations for his family are way too high, which could be making them pull away. 
    Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]
    Agreed. <div>I pick out FI's suit and went to the fitting. I would never think that would be hisfather's duty.</div>
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  • Some parents suck.  They just do.  My DH's mom divorced his dad when he went to jail.  A year later she got remarried.  FIL decided that since she got remarried his sons got a new dad and has NEVER spoken to them since.(he did provide finacial support)  DH was 7 years old at the time.  Oh and DH's stepfather beat him and his brother.  Later on SD almost killed MIL (yes they are now divorced) Great person to just leave your sons with. ::eye roll::

    As someone who has parents who are very involved its really hard to understand.  I get that, but you just have to let it go.  While it would be nice for his dad to help do things like getting a suit, it's not a requirement. You just can't make him do something either he doesn't want or maybe doesn't feel comfortable doing. He might not even 'know' it something he could do as a father.

    My suggestion to you is stop imposing what your family does and/or expectations on your husband's family.  All families are different. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • That was really rude of you to even ask for money, let alone KEEP asking. Just mark him down as a yes and move forward.
  • Man oh man would I love to get the other side of this story.
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  • Just expect his ass to be there and make his meal choice for him. dont worry about the whole money thing. It would be nice for people to help but dont pressure him into stuff. My father is the same way. We had a co ed shower for our daughter who is now 1 and the whole time my dad grumbled. Finally I said why are you here? He said i dont know why this is a womens thing. So understand sometimes men dont want to get involved in women stuff!? 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-about-ffil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1a13dec-e0b0-40f0-9c33-8de3521f134cPost:491712c0-4be0-4291-8cf7-de1693aa01bd">Re: Rant about FFIL</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a buffet style dinner, so no need for dinner choice.  I understand he doesn't have to be involved but I think he should be helping my FI with his suit and stuff like that. I understand financially he doesn't need to help. <strong>However when we had asked if he planned on contributing</strong> his response was he would think about it, and everytime since was he was thinking. I wish he had said in the beginning he couldn't/wouldn't. Unless he has a check waiting on us he isn't helping, since the wedding is two weeks away at this point.  My FSIL was asked to attend our shower, I know I can't make her, however I had needed her to pick her dress up, I even offered to drive she took a break from her life as she put it and has yet to return. Anyways my FI had a talk with her as it is his sister and she let him know that she was busy with other things. Ok.
    Posted by DanniLynn88[/QUOTE]

    Well, there's your problem. You asked him for money; I can see why he doesn't want to be involved.
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  • My FFIL is as uninvolved as it gets (and irritating, rude, and everything in the dictionary that is a synonym to those words). He didn't even say congrats when we got engaged. He just said, "Well, it's not my wedding." Not because he doesn't like me, but because he just isn't someone who gets excited about weddings or anything happy. I'm completely ok with that. As long as he shows up and if he doesn't, well, his loss, so I don't need his RSVP back.

    I didn't know that the dad was suppose to help the FI with his tux? Guys don't normally fawn over clothes....

    I think it was ok for you to ask your FFIL once if he would be interested in contributing, but it seems you have asked him a few times after even? If he wasn't excited about weddings before, he sure as heck won't be now. I'd say leave him alone and what will be will be.
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