NWR: how to motivate Husband

CurlsNpearls12

So...Husband and I moved in together spring 2011 into a trailer park. We were at the point where we were so sick of house hunting, and so sick of living with his parents that it really didn't matter where we went, so we jumped to where we live now.

We have a "mortgage" on a pretty nice single-wide manufactured home, which is good for the two of us. We called it our "starter" home until we got settled down and after the wedding, we would look into buying property.

H's friend has offered us 2 acres for very low cost to build a house on. H and I were super excited about doing this about a year ago. We picked out layouts of houses, and designs. After pricing everything, we decided to go with a Modular or "pre-fab" home, which are actually more bang for your buck around here.

OK so flash foward to now, we just got married, and I have been looking at house plans again, and H completely blows the whole plan off every time I bring it up. We want kids soon as in TTC next fall. We don't have much for a yard, and neither of us want to raise our child where we are because of limited space for a child.

Every time I bring it up he gets irritated and rants that I need to slow down, and enjoy our lives together. I definitely enjoy our lives now. But I also enjoy thinking of our future together. We're married, so of course we have many many years ahead of us, and I'm not trying to "rush" things, I'm just trying to think responsibly and plan our next chapter.

I don't think I'm being a nag or prodding him moment after moment, but when I talk about the property or the house plans, etc. he completely ignores the whole convorsation. All I want is to be heard out, and maybe acknowledged.

Am I truly over reacting, or does H need to be kicked in the rear and get on the same page I am? Is there a different way I should approach this? Or just completely drop the subject for awhile?

Meegles4

You've only been married a month. It's possible he is just wanting some time to relax before starting up with another big project like building a home. Have you approached it like that? Maybe ask him what his timeline is and see how he responds. Perhaps he wants to wait a bit, save some money post-wedding, get through fall/winter before building, etc. Once you know what his timeline is, you can hopefully compromise on something together.

Also, I don't think a home would prevent you from TTC. I'm sure you could easily have an infant in your current home, it's when they get a bit bigger that you need the yard, or more space for other kids, etc. You could probably live up to the first year with a child before needing all that. But that's just my opinion.

OliveOilsMom

Have you asked him if there was a reason why he was so gung ho before, but now his interest has subsided?  Perhaps he's not liking the idea of up keep on 2 acres of property or the potential property taxes he will have to pay.  Just renovating a house can be very stressful, I'm sure having one built will be just as stressful.  Listen to the answer he gives, that will tell you whether to drop the idea for a bit or to perhaps modify your exsisting plans.

jessicabessica

Can you schedule some time to sit down and discuss a timeline?  I think scheduling something is better than just bringing it up, because there's a chance he could feel ambushed.  It sounds like you need to go back to get on the same page about your schedule before you actually start looking at plans.  I think it's easier to bring up things like TTC and the space you need not in the context of looking at plans for prefabs. 

wrigleyville

I agree with everything Meegles said. Those are two very big life changes in a short amount of time, three if you include the discussion about TTC next fall.

Considering you aren't TTC until next fall, which means the earliest the baby would be born is the following spring/summer, you have nearly two years before you have to think about this again. As Meegles stated, space won't be an issue while your child is still an infant/toddler. That may be why your husband doesn't feel as "rushed" as you do.

Loopyseven

I agree with the pp's. Try relax and enjoy being married for a few months. Or make a decision on the property but let the house design etc wait a bit. Your H may just want some down time. Talk to him about his timeline an ideas in general about the next steps in your life and then worry about the details after you're on the same page as to the timing.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Well, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and space would definitely be an issue with a baby. Like, I absolutely do not have room in my bedroom for a cosleeper, let alone a crib or bassinette. I don't have space for a changing table, or anywhere to store baby supplies. I know people with 1 bedroom apartments who would easily be able to accomodate a baby, though. You absolutely do not know her situation. Maybe they need an office set up because one or both work from home frequently, or have hobbies where storage can be an issue. A single wide isn't really that big.

OP, do you share finances? Are you on the same page financially? Usually a trailer isn't something you'll get money out of when you sell. Perhaps he's stressed out about the cost of building. Is it possible he's in financial trouble and you don't know about it?

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-how-to-motivate-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1dcbcf7-9ea9-4509-9de8-1424aa51c08fPost:d225eeb7-d14f-421a-a312-303f5ac462c3">Re: NWR: how to motivate Husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and space would definitely be an issue with a baby. Like, I absolutely do not have room in my bedroom for a cosleeper, let alone a crib or bassinette. I don't have space for a changing table, or anywhere to store baby supplies. I know people with 1 bedroom apartments who would easily be able to accomodate a baby, though. You absolutely do not know her situation. Maybe they need an office set up because one or both work from home frequently, or have hobbies where storage can be an issue. A single wide isn't really that big. OP, do you share finances? Are you on the same page financially? Usually a trailer isn't something you'll get money out of when you sell. Perhaps he's stressed out about the cost of building. Is it possible he's in financial trouble and you don't know about it?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


H and I do share finances just starting this year. However, I've pretty much "taken care of" his finances as far as straightening out his credit reports, etc. because there were inacurate things on there, so I know for sure he's not in any kind of trouble.

I have concidered that he's nervous about the costs, but we're so financially stable that I don't se any reason to. And yes, we have room for an infant, but not much room for a toddler, which entails more and bigger toys, etc. Since we barely have room for a crib and baby clothes in our one spare bedroom since H is a taxidermist and uses the other spare for his work.

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-how-to-motivate-husband?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d1dcbcf7-9ea9-4509-9de8-1424aa51c08fPost:d225eeb7-d14f-421a-a312-303f5ac462c3">Re: NWR: how to motivate Husband</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I live in a 2 bedroom apartment and space would definitely be an issue with a baby. Like, I absolutely do not have room in my bedroom for a cosleeper, let alone a crib or bassinette. I don't have space for a changing table, or anywhere to store baby supplies. I know people with 1 bedroom apartments who would easily be able to accomodate a baby, though. <strong>You absolutely do not know her situation.</strong> Maybe they need an office set up because one or both work from home frequently, or have hobbies where storage can be an issue. A single wide isn't really that big. OP, do you share finances? Are you on the same page financially? Usually a trailer isn't something you'll get money out of when you sell. Perhaps he's stressed out about the cost of building. Is it possible he's in financial trouble and you don't know about it?
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
Regardless, they aren't even going to start TTC until next fall. That's a year away. By the time a baby arrives, it will be <strong>two years</strong> from now, minimum. That's the point most of us were trying to make (well, I was... I can't really speak for the others).

I agree with Loopy that if the property is going to get snatched up, they should probably move on that. OP should also find out how long it will take to obtain permits and clear the land. Once that's set, it's just a matter of laying the foundation and starting the build. That doesn't take two years. Weather-permitting, the house could be up within three months, depending on the size.