Brothers aren't going to be Groomsmen

celticbeauty

I'm hoping for some advice. My FI and I want a small bridal party. We have decided that we want 2 attendants each. My FI doesn't have any siblings, but I have 2 brothers. I do not feel that they need to be in the bridal party and want to ask them to be ushers. My FI agrees as he isn't close to either of them. (I'm not particularily close with them either, but I do see them reguarily at family functions.) I believe that asking them to be ushers rather than groomsmen will cause a bit of drama. My brothers may not care a lot, but I get the impression that my parents expect my brothes to be asked to be in the bridal party. There has been some tension already with my parents in the last couple of years and my relationship with my father is especially tricky. I plan to ask my brothers to be ushers and if they ask why they aren't in the bridal party, explain that it is small, etc. I am greatly concerned that my parents will bring this up with me and it will cause a major arguement. I don't believe it is their business as we should be able to decide who stands up with us, but I also don't want to cause world war 3 or hear about it for the next 20 years. Is there a way to defuse any of the potential tension or drama from my parents/brothers?

Elinetrouwt

Aren't you being a bit premature with your worries? Ask them to be ushers, and see what happens. Be aware though that

1) Sides don't have to be equal

2) It would be perfectly in order to have your brothers as bridesmen

kmmssg

This is one of those times where you need those big girl panties.  It sounds like you don't want confrontation with your parents as things haven't been rosy with them lately.  You have to stand tall here and just tell them what your decision is and be done with it.  It needs to be a one time discussion and you need to make sure you don't engage in it again later on.

You don't need to go to them and make a huge announcement of who isn't in the BP.  Ask your brothers to be ushers and be done with it.  If your parents balk, remind them that you have your nearest and dearest up there with you and FI and your brothers aren't close.

You know, people do ask the opposite gender to stand on their side of the WP these days. If you really wanted them in the party they could be your attendants.  That's not the vibe I get here, but is sounds like you are a bit afraid of the confrontation with your parents.

Meghannsix

I agree with kmmssg, no need to announce who isn't in the WP and why not.  Ask your brothers to be ushers, they may be relieved to not be groomsmen or bridesmen, or possibly touched that you asked them to be involved at all.  You approach this in a manner like you know someone is going to be disappointed, then of course someone is going to be disappointed.  If you approach it like this how you would like it, "how wonderful for everyone", well, you may not get the response that you're anticipating.  Good luck!

Choco9

FWIW, I had my 2 brothers as ushers and we each had 3 close friends as attendants.  My brothers were excited to be ushers because they didn't have to arrive as early and could sit during the ceremony with their wives.  Your brothers may actually be relieved.

PS- another great part for them was that they didn't have to rent tuxes and wore suits they owned.  I didn't see the need for them to tux out and they saved $. 

Birdie1483

It's ultimately up to you on who is your wedding party. You can't let your parents guilt you into including your brothers, especially if you only want two attendants each. Your parents can't expect your FI to choose your two brothers, who aren't very close to him, over two of his close friends. If they cause a stink, you just need to explain to them that it was up to your FI to decide who he wanted to stand up next to him on his side. They'll just have to deal.

rebarobert2012

There's no need to announce why people aren't in the wedding party.  You are just going to have to stick by your decision.  If your parents ask why your brothers are not included in the wedding party, simply say that it is because that is what you and your fiance chose to do.

Irishcurls

Also, I'm close with my brothers but H is not and I had chosen the friends I wanted standing up for me, so my brothers were ushers. They had bouts and escorted my mother in (divorced parents) and they had a great time. No one said anything to me, and if they thought it among themselves, so be it. 

celticbeauty

Thanks everyone. You are all right. I need to just be calm, collected, and wear my "big girl panites." My FI and I made this decision together for the right reasons and I need to keep that in mind (as well as it takes 2 to create drama). Thanks for the reminders. I will just tell my brothers they are ushers and expect the best out of everyone. Thanks for the advice!

celticbeauty

Thanks, Retread! You are right. I'll keep these in mind if it comes up.