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NWR H is pissing me off

Tomorrow is my work Christmas party, which we have every year. It's pretty formal- cocktail dresses, suits, hair and makeup done, etc.

Two years ago, I brought my H (FI at time) as my date. It was miserable to get him to wear something appropriate. I didn't even ask him to wear a damn tie. Just a button up dress shirt and some black dress pants. He was so miserable the entire time. He felt out of his element even though I tried to make him as comfortable as possible.

Last year I left him at home because he didn't want to dress nicely. We argued the whole day about him not wearing this stupid black shirt he has that has camouflage on it. SERIOUSLY!?

This year is the same. My party is tomorrow and I did RSVP for two because he told me he would go. Now he's arguing that he's not wearing what would be appropriate (black pants, button up shirt).
 
Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear.

I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML

What have I done wrong in our relationship? Is it really THAT hard for a grown man to dress appropriate for a Christmas Party? Seriously? I'm at my wits end here.
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Re: NWR H is pissing me off

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    Honestly, I'd dress nicely myself and just try to remember that how he dresses on reflects on him and his choices. I prefer to get more dressed up for holidays, whereas my husband prefers jeans and a long sleeve shirt (not button down). When we visit my family, he tends to put on khakis because he knows I appreciate the effort, but with his family he wears jeans and I usually wear a skirt (my wearing a skirt doesn't bother him, otherwise I'd consider wearing jeans as well). What people wear only reflects on one person - themselves.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:9e095d68-1344-4d91-914c-0141df717de7">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to NWR H is pissing me off : Why does he feel miserable and out of his element for wearing a dress shirt and pants?  I think I remember you talking about this before.
    Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]


    Edie yes I did bring this up before I think!! I don't think it was the wardrobe that made him feel out of his element, but more that everyone around him was dressed up, in his words "too fancy for him" and he felt out of place I guess?
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    My FI hates dressing up too. For a few years now I've asked him to dress nice for my dad's family Christmas party (we go to a nice hall, everyone dresses nice, no jeans) and FI comes downstairs wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

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    One of my best friends' husbands is like this. Not about the clothes, but about his behavior at functions. Every time he has gone to something with my friend, he has acted like he is so put out to be there. He has even gone to sit in the car or left early if they took separate cars. She eventually just stopped having him come. She worried at first that people would be all, "Why doesn't her husband ever come?" but then she decided she would rather have a good time herself and not be worrying all night that he wasn't having a good time and that he would embarrass her by being kind of jerky. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:1295ccce-d97f-4e2b-80e4-e97f617c4b87">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]I also <strong>think it's a little dramatic</strong> to be worrying about where your relationship "went wrong" because your H doesn't like getting dressed up and spending the evening with your coworkers.  Total speculation here, but based on the OP, I'm going to guess that you might possibly make a bigger deal out of this than is warranted, thereby ratcheting up the stress and making it worse for both of you.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I was basically being sarcastic. It's obvious to me that it's not my fault or our relationship's fault he can't dress nice. I haven't been making a big deal about it to HIM only because I know we'd start an argument over something so pitty.

    I'm pretty sure I'll just be going by myself anyway. And I think you're right...he's just making excuses to get out of a stuffy party.
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    H doesn't like dressing up but he'll do it when he has to because he'll feel like crap if he stands out b/c he's too casual, etc.

    I would just go without him and have a good time. Plus I would probably stop telling your coworkers that he won't come b/c of the dress-up issue. They don't need to know.

    If someone asks you can always say his work schedule didn't coordinate with the party time.
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    stantokmstantokm member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2012
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:40ec8d33-d784-4fac-b4e8-f72a5cc50943">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off : Edie yes I did bring this up before I think!! I don't think it was the wardrobe that made him feel out of his element, but more that <strong>everyone around him was dressed up, in his words "too fancy for him" and he felt out of place</strong> I guess?
    Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

    You've probably already tried this, but I'd try to point out to him that just because someone dresses "fancy" for a party doesn't mean that they're snobs.  Clearly you enjoy dressing up for this event and he loves you enough to marry you so it doesn't make sense that EVERYONE there is too fancy for him.

    Could you go with him to pick out a nice outfit that he likes better (maybe khaki pants instead of black pants)?

    Also, adults are supposed to dress to the occasion.  I wouldn't wear high heels to play football in the yard just like I wouldn't wear a t-shirt and flip-flops to meet the Queen.  Maybe just say, "It would make me very happy if you came to the party wearing this shirt and these pants because I'd like my co-workers to meet the awesome man whom I'm marrying.  I'll be disappointed if you choose not to come, but ultimately it's up to you."</div>
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    TBH, I think it's kind of BS that your H can't suck it up for a few hours for a work function. 
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    edited December 2012
    My FI hates dressing up. The guy works in a manufacturing place so he definitely doesn't have to dress nice for work. Dressing up is just not something he does often enough to feel comfortable doing. I am flexible about it and suggest things, but definitely don't demand him to wear certain things. He also easily feels uncomfortable at my holiday parties for work, I know more people and he doesn't know anyone....but, he does end up generally having a good time.

    Why don't you offer to go without him? My FI would never go for that, but it's a way to compromise if it would make him feel better....

    ETA: I just read the rest of your post - he hasn't gone before. So what. Go without him. Less headache. I definitely think you're putting way too much into this though.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:5fbd2422-6844-4c20-b245-35756165de12">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]TBH, I think it's kind of BS that your H can't suck it up for a few hours for a work function. 
    Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]

    Is there anyone there that you see outside of work? Is there anyone there he will know? I think it's kind of bull that he can't show up looking nice. But, how important to you is this party? Is it something that could help your career, etc?
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    I don't really understand why people feel "uncomfortable" dressing up in appropriate clothing, but I guess it's actually quite common.

    My H and I are jeans and t-shirt people.  I wear coveralls and no makeup to work and he wears jeans.   But when I have a formal work function (4-5 times a year), we dress up.  I buy a nice dress and he wears a suit or tux.  Then we go back to jeans and t-shirts.   It's not a big deal to us.

    Does he know how nice you think he looks in nice clothing?   Maybe try complimenting him when he makes an effort, and he'll realize that he likes looking nice for you.   I always tell my H how sexy he looks in a suit or tux.  It's not that I don't like how he looks when he's dressed down, just that it's nice to see him dressed nicely for a change.  And he similarly compliments me when I put in some effort:-)

    If, in the end, he doesn't want to go (because he doesn't like dressing up or doesn't like going), then just leave him at home.  Don't worry about what people at work will think.  You don't need to go into details, just tell them that he had other commitments (even if his other commitment was sitting at home in his sweats).    They won't really care.
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    I just think of work functions as kind of a part of the job.  If my H didn't show up to it two years in a row, yeah I think that looks kind of crappy on you.  Just my opinion, but I'd probably look at H strange if he said he wasn't coming.  Especially because "he didn't want to dress up."  Yeah, sometimes they suck, but it's a neccessary evil.
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    I have never been to a wok party for H or I where 99% of the spouses weren't there, so that's where I'm coming from.  To me, it looks strange.  And his reason is BS.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:f7f453a0-48a9-420d-9e37-a1f063265593">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off : Yeah, but if it is for my job and not my H's, why should he be required to put on a good show? I know in academics it is different, but if your boss promotes the people with the most charming spouses, your boss sucks.
    Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I'm going to go with nowhere did I say that.  My boss and my H actually get along great.  I just said that, spouses come to work parties around here and it's strange when they don't.  Especially for that excuse.  I guess it may be different because I actually like all my co-workers and so does my H, but that still wouldn't change if he comes or not.  Same as me going to his.
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    mcda04mcda04 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:46e1a4b8-baff-4f38-9423-b3ba15290f34">NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]Tomorrow is my work Christmas party, which we have every year. It's pretty formal- cocktail dresses, suits, hair and makeup done, etc. Two years ago, I brought my H (FI at time) as my date. It was miserable to get him to wear something appropriate. I didn't even ask him to wear a damn tie. Just a button up dress shirt and some black dress pants. He was so miserable the entire time. He felt out of his element even though I tried to make him as comfortable as possible. Last year I left him at home because he didn't want to dress nicely. We argued the whole day about him not wearing this stupid black shirt he has that has camouflage on it. SERIOUSLY!? This year is the same. My party is tomorrow and I did RSVP for two because he told me he would go. Now he's arguing that he's not wearing what would be appropriate (black pants, button up shirt).   Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear. I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML What have I done wrong in our relationship? Is it really THAT hard for a grown man to dress appropriate for a Christmas Party? Seriously? I'm at my wits end here.
    Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

    Awww.

    my Christmas party is tonight and I also argued a little with H last night over attire. Mine is the opposite though, he wants to go in a full on suit which i think is very overdressed. Mind you, this is the first formal Christmas party my company has ever had. Christmas used to be a luncheon in our manufacturing shop floor and a raffle.

    I'm just wearing a cute knee length cocktail dress and I'm afraid he'd be too much. ugh. whatever, he's wearing his suit. He'll be the one that feels uncomfortable not me.

    He does get along with a few co-workers though since we also have family picnics during the summer where people come in jeans and T-Shirts and we all get to know each other's wife/husband/gf/bf/ parents......
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    I would just say go without him, my BF HATES dressing up but he will on occasion if I ask nicely! He thinks his worn out and stained carharts are dressy enough, he's from southern Arkansas, although I found it really helped when we went shopping together and let him pick out things he liked that I could live with, that way he didn't feel like he was forced to dress nicely but that it was his choice. Its not always worth the stress or fight, if he doesn't want you going with out him tell him to suck it up, but if he's ok with you going without him then I'd just do it that way from now on!
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    WOW no I didn't mean it's an excuse not to know how to dress, I just meant he's a southern boy who feels more at home in carharts and boots than dressy clothes, he can pull off a suit better than most men I know, it just doesn't mean he's happy about it! I take extreme pride in the fact I was born and raised in Arkansas and didn't mean to offend anyone!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:11177ce1-d694-4fe4-96ca-5c67e7ca4bf6">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]Being southern has nothing to do with feeling more at home in carhars and boots.  There are plenty of people all over the country who are that way, and there are some VERY well dressed Arkansans running around the state as well.   I get that you didn't mean to offend, but you might think about it next time before qualifying a statement about your FI's personal style with his geographical location.  It doesn't help ANY of us break prejudices and stereotypes when the very people they are directed against use them as well.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


    Well I am one of those very well dressed Arkansans, and I didn't mean to cause more stereotypes it's just a part of who we are and how we live! I'm one of the proudest Hogs fans you'll ever meet and I've been to dozens of Black tie charity events with my grandmother and grandfather before he passed away. We are proud of our state and just because my boyfriend wears carharts and boots doesn't make it a bad stereotype its just a fact!
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    phoebeann44phoebeann44 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2012
    My grandfather grew up in Heber Springs AR during the depression bare foot and starving, he left school in the 7th grade to feed his siblings and worked hard every day of his life in his cowboy hat and boots until he was one of the wealthiest men in the country. He was NEVER ashamed of where he came from and didn't consider it bad stereotypes. He was proud of this state and donated to charities to make sure no one would ever have to go through what he did. Part of being an Arkansasan is accepting that people may judge us by what others say or the stereotypes people have but to still be proud of our roots and where we come from! Saying my boyfriend is from southern Arkansas and likes to wear boots and carharts isn't contributing to stereotypes it's just who he is!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:3a745400-cf81-473e-b6cc-2866ed4d37c8">Re:NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW no I didn't mean it's an excuse not to know how to dress, I just meant he's a southern boy who feels more at home in carharts and boots than dressy clothes, he can pull off a suit better than most men I know, it just doesn't mean he's happy about it! I take extreme pride in the fact I was born and raised in Arkansas and didn't mean to offend anyone!
    Posted by phoebeann44[/QUOTE]

    <div>The fact that you even mentioned him being from AR was unnecessary to the point of your post. I think that's the issue. Stage has asked you to think about that before making such statements in the future. Just let it go now. </div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Thanks everyone for the input I really appreciate the feedback. I'm definitely letting it go just to see where it ends up! I'm not pressuring him anymore we'll see what happens!
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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    Passive aggressive, perhaps. My H's office parties were horrible. I used any excuse not to go. H didn't go to mine this week. These parties really need to be held during the workday. Just tell him you love him as you head out the door.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:6f6df822-8ccf-4d77-a53a-dbf38d076173">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't really understand why people feel "uncomfortable" dressing up in appropriate clothing, but I guess it's actually quite common. My H and I are jeans and t-shirt people.  I wear coveralls and no makeup to work and he wears jeans.   But when I have a formal work function (4-5 times a year), we dress up.  I buy a nice dress and he wears a suit or tux.  Then we go back to jeans and t-shirts.   It's not a big deal to us. Does he know how nice you think he looks in nice clothing?   <strong>Maybe try complimenting him when he makes an effort, and he'll realize that he likes looking nice for you.   I always tell my H how sexy he looks in a suit or tux.  It's not that I don't like how he looks when he's dressed down, just that it's nice to see him dressed nicely for a change. </strong> And he similarly compliments me when I put in some effort:-) If, in the end, he doesn't want to go (because he doesn't like dressing up or doesn't like going), then just leave him at home.  Don't worry about what people at work will think.  You don't need to go into details, just tell them that he had other commitments (even if his other commitment was sitting at home in his sweats).    They won't really care.
    Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This. My FI hates dressing up too. When my grandma died a few years ago he went to Wal Mart and bought a shirt and pants because he didn't have any nice clothes. Wal Mart. Then last year he went to Wal Mart again for another funeral. I didn't call him a jackass for going to Wal Mart for these things - I thanked him for his effort and told him he looked good. My brother got married a few months ago and my mom offered to buy him a suit for his birthday. I told him he looks really good in it and now he'll wear it without complaining. I don't know how you're going about asking him to dress nicely, but you may have better results if you do it super nicely.</div><div>
    </div><div>P.S. - My FI also has a horrible shirt. It's a button-down shirt with deer heads all over. He also thinks this is acceptable to wear as a "nice shirt". The more I told him I hate it, the more he liked it. So I bought him a new shirt and stole the old one when he wasn't home. Now it lives inside one of my purses I'm not using in the closet to keep its shape. In like 3 years he has never asked me where that hideous shirt is. :)

    </div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:11177ce1-d694-4fe4-96ca-5c67e7ca4bf6">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Being southern has nothing to do with feeling more at home in carhars and boots.  There are plenty of people all over the country who are that way</strong>, and there are some VERY well dressed Arkansans running around the state as well.   I get that you didn't mean to offend, but you might think about it next time before qualifying a statement about your FI's personal style with his geographical location.  It doesn't help ANY of us break prejudices and stereotypes when the very people they are directed against use them as well.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>I laughed when I read that.  Was born and raised in Wisconsin and lived there until this year.  There are several places in WI where getting "dressed up" can mean putting on your 'nice' jeans and a polo shirt.  Definitely has nothing to do with region of the country.  :-)</div>
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    I'm thinking not wanting to dress up as code for social anxiety  Some people just don't like parties.  Is a  miserable spouse at a function really better than an absent one?

    He's been to the other work functions with you, he doesn't seem to like the co-workers or the situation.  Whatever the case I would just leave him at home.  

     Forcing people to suck it up generally ends up with 2 unhappy people.     Not always, but I know if either one of us is someone where don't want to be we end up making the other miserable.    Leaving the one who doesn't want to go at home ends up making both of us happy.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    "Again, he's talking about that stupid black shirt with the camouflage on it. I'm going to burn the damn thing I swear." Haha my fianc has a similar love for a pair of black steeltoe DeWalt work boots. They are made for things like work in a machine shop but he thinks because they are black, they go with anything that is black and not a suit. We were going to stay at a friends for the weekend and be going out to dinners, etc. and I knew he would try to bring them and wear them constantly so I hid them in the laundry hamper, lol. We left about 30 mins late because he wouldn't stop searching for them. Totally worth it tho, he wore his nice tan Sperrys all weekend. Basically this post has no point other than telling you your not alone here! Maybe don't burn the favorite shirt, just hide it during times where it is inappropriate to wear it. I especially love the purse hiding spot pp suggested clever!
    Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary. ? J.M. Barrie
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    "I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML"

    Why do your co-workers need to know details? Just tell them he has a cold. If you don't want to lie, just tell them there was an emergency. They don't need to know it was a fashion emergency.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-h-is-pissing-me-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2e960bf-3db3-4012-a914-356d44ccfd69Post:47c4122e-37a2-4fc7-a589-10687e9107a6">Re: NWR H is pissing me off</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my co-workers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc., they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML" Why do your co-workers need to know details? Just tell them he has a cold. If you don't want to lie, just tell them there was an emergency. They don't need to know it was a fashion emergency.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>It depends on office culture.  I'm at an office where spouses show up - always - unless there is a family emergency or they have a damn good excuse.  Not being willing to dress appropriately is about as far from a good excuse as I can think of.</div>
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    In Response to Re:NWR H is pissing me off:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR H is pissing me off:"I told him that's fine I'll leave him at home AGAIN. So GREAT, my coworkers not only think my new H is an idiot for not dressing up, being immature, etc.,nbsp;they realize it's been two years in a row now. FML" Why do your coworkers need to know details? Just tell them he has a cold. If you don't want to lie, just tell them there was an emergency. They don't need to know it was a fashion emergency.Posted by Simply FatedIt depends on office culture. nbsp;I'm at an office where spouses show up always unless there is a family emergency or they have a damn good excuse. nbsp;Not being willing to dress appropriately is about as far from a good excuse as I can think of. Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]

    It's a terrible excuse/reason no matter what the office culture is.
    image
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    I never realized there were so many adults who will throw a fit about having to wear a different style of clothing a few times a year. Good grief, this is absolutely ridiculous.
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