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Help. FMIL won't give me addresses for invitees

I could really use some advice here. 

My fiance's mother has been giving him this line about how "no one but her," is going to come to the wedding from his side.

We got engaged at the end of July, and I have been asking for her side of the guest list and addresses to go with it since August.  When she finally sent me a list of 30 people to invite she didn't give any addresses, and in some cases no last name.

So of course I asked for addresses so I could get out Save the Dates as early as possible so people could prepare for travel.  After much prodding, she sent me addresses for 6 out of the 30 she had listed.  I have been nicely asking her  & ask my fiance to ask her, ect for many months now.  All the other save the dates went out in September. 

Finally, I thought I was making headway because she said she would send me the addresses by last Friday.  Now it is over a week past the date, and I can' get a response.  I have tried explaining that we really need to get the save the dates out so people can plan and that even if she doesn't think someone will be able to attend, I don't want to slight them by not sending them an invite. 

Just don't know what to do.  My FH is upset because he thinks it will be all my people and that none of his will come, but his mom is basically guaranteeing that.  If I can't get them an invite, obviously they won't be there.  But he gets upset with me like I'm somehow attacking his mom when I say I need addresses.   

What to do?

Re: Help. FMIL won't give me addresses for invitees

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    From now on have your FI deal with his mom.  He needs to know how important it is that you get addresses, and then he needs to communicate that to his mom.  He needs to stop making you the bad guy to his mom, man up, and take care of the issue himself.  Talk to him.
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    Can you look for their addresses in the phone book?
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    Can you google some of their addresses? Ask her for phone numbers? Kick her in the knees?

    Why is she saying that no one but her is coming? Does she not WANT anyone else to come?
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    Have your FI sit down with white pages.com and get the addresses, calling to verify if he needs to.  He should know any missing last names. 
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    Sounds like your FI needs to step up here. If he wants his family members to come, then he needs to get their addresses. Also, it sounds like he needs to have a heart to heart with his mom and find out what the real problem is. Normal people don't act like this.
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    What Betrothed said.

    And how does he think you're the bad guy when you're the one trying to get the addresses?  If anyone is being the bad guy, it's his mom.  I'd be having a good talk with him about the importance of having addresses.  Otherwise, yes, she's right and no one will come cause no one will know.
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    this is your fi's job, not yours. not sure why he's sitting back sulking while you try to take care of his responsibilities.
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    Yeah, you need to back out of this and have your fiance deal with his mommy.

    It's not fair that he's getting mad at you because she is being ridiculous, nor is that your fault.

    Tell him if he wants people to come, then he needs to figure out the labyrinth that is his mother.
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    Is he not in contact with anyone else in his family that could help him with addresses? Aunt or Uncle? Grandparent? Someone?
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    I agree with having FI be the one to deal with her. And if you go to whitepages.com you may find a lot. FI & I found a lot of addresses for his family that way.
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    www.whitepages.com is a great way to find addresses. Also, if your FI doesn't know the last name of his family members, then it sounds like he is just inviting them to fill seats (or get gifts) and isn't really close enough to them to really value their presence there.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wont-give-addresses-invitees?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2ea91b3-7c59-4ba1-99a9-392ea7454ebaPost:7c690d86-7f71-4e9e-8a39-5d8eedb1280d">Re: Help. FMIL won't give me addresses for invitees</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, you need to back out of this and have your fiance deal with his mommy. It's not fair that he's getting mad at you because she is being ridiculous, nor is that your fault. Tell him if he wants people to come, then he needs to figure out the labyrinth that is his mother.
    Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

    Totally!  What a frustration.  Good luck to you!
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    also, don't search on whitepages.com or any of that - your fi can do it if he won't deal with his mommy. if he wants his family there, it's up to him to do the legwork.

    frankly, he sounds like a douchebag, getting upset with you while not lifting a pwecious widdle finger.

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    I'm amazed at how many people think that a FMIL is the only person on the planet that has access to these super secret addresses.  If your FI can't figure out the addresses, either himself, through a phone book, or another family member, they probably aren't important enough to come.
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    It doesn't really sound like your FI wants anyone to come either since he isn't willing to lift a finger in order to get some addresses.

    He's got a lot of nerve being pissy with you especially when this is his responsibility.

    Good luck with him.
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    Somone needs a cuntpunt.
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    I also suggest Google.  I used this to get some addresses.  Also, bypass the mom altogether and get in touch with an Aunt or grandma.  I would also consider contacting a family member she did give you addresses for.  There are many different ways to solve this puzzle.
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    edited February 2010
    Thanks for all the advice!  I put it in his lap and am letting it go. 

    I forwarded him the list with all the missing info noted and told him that he can eliminate anyone she might have listed that he doesn't really want there, get what he can from his mom, and try his aunt or maybe at least get the phone numbers and call them himself.  And I suggested that anything he can't get that way he can look up on whitepages. 

    I told him just to give me his list when it is done and that if he can't get them soon they just won't get save the dates, and that if he can't get them at all than I'll assume he doesn't want to invite them.  =) 

    He is a great guy or I wouldn't marry him, obviously.  He is just a bit of a momma's boy, and she knows how to work that.  And I think she doesn't want her (34yo) "little boy," to get married becasue she doesn't want to share him. 

    Anyway,  all the advice was a huge help.  If he wants them to come, he'll work it out, and I won't feel guilty about how much of his side is there now.

    Thanks!
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    Have your FI explain to his mom that if you don't get the addresses by a certain date, invites can't be sent. At some point, you need to get the things out, and it's not okay to make you wait until 3 weeks out or whatever. You've tried plenty, and it's his mom. Time for your FI to deal with her. I'm sure that if she's difficult with him, he'll realize that this issue isn't your doing. I'm sorry your FI is putting this on you, that sucks.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-wont-give-addresses-invitees?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d2ea91b3-7c59-4ba1-99a9-392ea7454ebaPost:4ba7598d-47b3-45ce-b98c-dd2922191c4f">Re: Help. FMIL won't give me addresses for invitees</a>:
    [QUOTE]Somone needs a cuntpunt.
    Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

    Aaaaaand ditto this
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    She sounds like a monster! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would put the rest on him, since it seems like you have already given more than enough effort. If it's important to him to invite those people, he will get the addresses out of her.
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