Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?

srfgirlie5

In our attire section I have it saying "formal attire requested. Black tie optional." and then I have some attire recommendations like to bring a jacket/shawl etc.

Then I have it say 

"To create the romantic and elegant atmosphere we desire; we ask that you do not wear jeans, shorts, sweats, t-shirts or other casual attire."

You would think that if you say "formal attire requested. Black tie optional" people would get the hint to not wear casual clothing. BUT I feel like some people just won't get it.

jrkjpf

You can't tell your guests how to dress to your wedding or reception.
Yes, you can beat a dead horse by explaining you want a formal event, but really, are you going to go to every guests house and approve or reject their outfits?

Honestly, i would not mention it at all, not only is it rude in my eyes, but controlling and tacky.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:a91925ab-34d1-4fd0-bd36-f1a3cb3ee488">Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]In our attire section I have it saying "formal attire requested. Black tie optional." and then I have some attire recommendations like to bring a jacket/shawl etc. Then I have it say  "To create the romantic and elegant atmosphere we desire; we ask that you do not wear jeans, shorts, sweats, t-shirts or other casual attire." You would think that if you say "formal attire requested. Black tie optional" people would get the hint to not wear casual clothing. BUT I feel like some people just won't get it. I'm not just saying this because I'm guessing it might happen. I'm saying it because my cousin just had a black tie affair and my aunt showed up in a sweat suit. Her husband was asking me questions about the wedding over Easter and was telling me that my fiance should be wearing shorts to the event. He said he was going to wear shorts and I explained to him that it wasn't that type of event and he said well what does it matter I'm not in the wedding party. WTH!? lol seriously? It just makes it worse too because it's going to be held at my aunts beach house where we've never had any formal events it's always been a casual affair and I'm really afraid they're going to show up in sweatshirts and khaki shorts.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]
You can't tell grown adults what to wear or not to wear.  If your recepetion was at a country club,  then you could say something about a minimum dress code but since you're just wanting a certain "look", then no, you can't say this.  Sorry.

Mrs.B6302007

Ask yourself this:  What's more important?  That AUnt Sally show up and celebrate with us or that Aunt Sally wears a dress?

lyndausvi

The thing is those who don't get it still won't and more than likely not even to go the website to see what you wrote.

cengle

In my mind, beach house =/= formal or black tie
I would probably show up in a sun dress for a wedding at a beach house.

Why does it matter what your guests wear? It won't really reflect on you. They're adults; they can decide what is appropriate for a wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

1) if it's at a beach house, I don't blame people for not thinking it's a formal reception given that the location is casual

2) people who are likely to dress in jeans or shorts are not likely to realize their making a faux pas, read the website, or change what they plan to wear anyway.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:8d6291ba-5135-46d8-8bdf-4bf71d339881">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]Very rude. You shouldn't tell adults how to dress. Besides if someone really shows up in shorts or sweatpants, they just look stupid, not you.
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep.</div><div>
</div><div>If you feel the need to put something on your website, put it as an answer to a question in an FAQ page or something, like:</div><div>
</div><div>Q: What should I wear to the wedding? I'm not sure how formal it is.</div><div>A: We're excited to be having our wedding at elegant Pine Glen Manor (or whatever). The event will be formal.</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I just read that the event is going to be at the beach house. So, you'll want to rephrase that a bit if you want to use it. But still, I'd just leave people to their own devices. If they look silly, they look silly. You don't.</div>

Milsey32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:83926b9f-d09c-4316-94c5-6f689b06dd6d">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>In my mind, beach house =/= formal or black tie I would probably show up in a sun dress for a wedding at a beach house. </strong>Why does it matter what your guests wear? It won't really reflect on you. They're adults; they can decide what is appropriate for a wedding.
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That's what I was thinking. </div>

jrkjpf

Beach = fun, bright, light clothing. Sun dresses, khaki pants, flipflops, etc.

srfgirlie5

I like your FAQ suggestion.

You guys have a point it is controlling and those who would wear those things probably wouldn't change their mind even if I told them specifically what to wear.

This isn't a typical beach house that you might think either it's really nice. I'm also having an evening wedding so a sun dress probably wouldn't be suitable and I would hope that other people would realize that.

I know it doesn't really matter what people wear but I'd really like to have a nice dressy party. The whole atmosphere can be made to look better when people dress appropriately. It's my vision, take it or leave it, just something I hope people will understand.

srfgirlie5

If bright clothes, sun dresses and flip flops are really what people are going to think even if I have black tie on the invite and website maybe I really should keep my blurb... Totally not the type of event we're having it's going to be very formal and very elegant. Maybe you guys might have some ideas to word the invite or website to make it known that those things are not appropriate at all?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:178786cb-ff39-472f-a83f-f062413f48e4">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]I like your FAQ suggestion. You guys have a point it is controlling and those who would wear those things probably wouldn't change their mind even if I told them specifically what to wear. This isn't a typical beach house that you might think either it's really nice. I'm also having an evening wedding so a sun dress probably wouldn't be suitable and I would hope that other people would realize that. I know it doesn't really matter what people wear but I'd really like to have a nice dressy party. The whole atmosphere can be made to look better when people dress appropriately. It's my vision, take it or leave it, just something I hope people will understand.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

<div>I had an evening beach wedding with causal attire. I even had a 4 course sit-down dinner.</div><div>
</div><div>I get it's not what you are looking for, but it's not really outside of the realm of possibility others will not think sundress is appropriate. </div>

nontradduo

You can specify that it's a formal event and note that it's black tie optional.  That's perfectly acceptable.  Anything after that- rude.

As others have said, what they wear reflects on them, not you.  And you are having the wedding at a location typically considered informal. 

Stop worrying about what your guests are going to wear and enjoy that they decided to help you celebrate your new life.  I understand that it can sometimes be difficult to drop the "fairy tale" idea of perfection that is touted as the kind of wedding we're supposed to have which can lead to worrying about unnecessary details.  But this isn't something to stress about.  Relax and enjoy spending time with your friends and family on your big day.

srfgirlie5

Also the wedding and reception will not be held on the beach. It's at the beach but no beach will be involved in decor or in the event unless people sneak away on their own.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:c7986fef-eccb-4f75-b780-55f0fcd28130">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]If bright clothes, sun dresses and flip flops are really what people are going to think even if I have black tie on the invite and website maybe I really should keep my blurb... Totally not the type of event we're having it's going to be very formal and very elegant. Maybe you guys might have some ideas to word the invite or website to make it known that those things are not appropriate at all?
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

<div>There is no polite way to tell someone who or what is not welcome at an event. Just gently suggest appropriate attire and hope for the best. Really, it's all you can do.</div>

Magdeline687

I realize that I'm in the minority, but I think that a beach house wedding can be formal. I don't really think that just because a wedding is at a beach house, it is automatically proper to wear sundresses and other beach attire.

I do think that the part about not wearing casual attire is a bit rude. However, maybe you could write that the attire is black tie (get rid of the "optional" if you have concerns that guests might misinterpret) and then in parantheses, give examples of what black tie attire is.

srfgirlie5

"Stop worrying about what your guests are going to wear and enjoy that they decided to help you celebrate your new life.  I understand that it can sometimes be difficult to drop the "fairy tale" idea of perfection that is touted as the kind of wedding we're supposed to have which can lead to worrying about unnecessary details.  But this isn't something to stress about.  Relax and enjoy spending time with your friends and family on your big day. "


GAH! It's over a year away and I'm already stressing about the details lol. You said it very nicely... I guess i'll just put the attire request without the details and then just roll with the punches...

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:3fc4d6c9-dab6-4e13-aacf-3c34868cf920">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]I realize that I'm in the minority, but I think that a beach house wedding can be formal. I<strong> don't really think that just because a wedding is at a beach house, it is automatically proper to wear sundresses and other beach attire</strong>. I do think that the part about not wearing casual attire is a bit rude. However, maybe you could write that the attire is black tie (get rid of the "optional" if you have concerns that guests might misinterpret) and then in parantheses, give examples of what black tie attire is.
Posted by Magdeline687[/QUOTE]

<div>I 100% agree.  </div><div>
</div><div>But it's already established that her FI's family dresses on the casual side.   It's also a beach house which could be interrupted as casual.  Combine the 2 and well, the OP is setting herself up for disappointment if she doesn't let this go a little. </div><div>
</div><div>  I mean if these people wear jeans or sweatpants to other weddings, it's stands to reason they are going to think it's okay at someone's beach home.</div>

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:3fc4d6c9-dab6-4e13-aacf-3c34868cf920">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]I realize that I'm in the minority, but I think that a beach house wedding can be formal. I don't really think that just because a wedding is at a beach house, it is automatically proper to wear sundresses and other beach attire.<strong> I do think that the part about not wearing casual attire is a bit rude. However, maybe you could write that the attire is black tie (get rid of the "optional" if you have concerns that guests might misinterpret) and then in parantheses, give examples of what black tie attire is.</strong>
Posted by Magdeline687[/QUOTE]

yeah, you can't do this unless you're actually having a black tie wedding, which consists of a whole lot more than just fancy evening wear.

srfgirlie5

"Unless OPs wedding is extremely formal, top-shelf open bar all night, multi-course sit down meal, live band and other high dollar things, she should not be putting black tie on anything related to her wedding."

That's really interesting you equate the amount of money spent on the event to the dress code. Just because my open bar doesn't have a $50 bottle of cognac behind it and expensive champagne doesn't mean it can't be elegant and fancy. Sure a buffet wouldn't go with the black tie theme but you don't always need to spend your life savings to make it look like you paid a pretty penny.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:178786cb-ff39-472f-a83f-f062413f48e4">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]I like your FAQ suggestion. You guys have a point it is controlling and those who would wear those things probably wouldn't change their mind even if I told them specifically what to wear.<strong> This isn't a typical beach house that you might think either it's really nice. I'm also having an evening wedding so a sun dress probably wouldn't be suitable and I would hope that other people would realize that. I know it doesn't really matter what people wear but I'd really like to have a nice dressy party. </strong>The whole atmosphere can be made to look better when people dress appropriately. It's my vision, take it or leave it, just something I hope people will understand.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

If it's a really nice property that happens to be by the water, that's one thing, and I assume you and your guests know that. But considering you mentioned this place hasn't usually hosted fancy parties - more like BBQs - I just don't want you to be disappointed with the level of formality it ends up being. I mean, I could hold an event at Chuck E. Cheese and tell people to dress up because we're having FANCY pizza, but that's not going to make it a formal event, KWIM?

srfgirlie5

"yeah, you can't do this unless you're actually having a black tie wedding, which consists of a whole lot more than just fancy evening wear."

It will be a very fancy event like I said. This isn't your typical backyard wedding and I will be having things like an open bar, live band, fancy decor etc...

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:f66a2287-1114-411d-b42f-37fe2cdca778">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Unless OPs wedding is extremely formal, top-shelf open bar all night, multi-course sit down meal, live band and other high dollar things, she should not be putting black tie on anything related to her wedding." That's really interesting you equate the amount of money spent on the event to the dress code. Just because my open bar doesn't have a $50 bottle of cognac behind it and expensive champagne doesn't mean it can't be elegant and fancy. Sure a buffet wouldn't go with the black tie theme but you don't always need to spend your life savings to make it look like you paid a pretty penny.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]
It CAN be elegant w/o being black-tie.  There really is a money connection to black-tie.

Mrs.B6302007

srfgirlie- use the quote button when you want to reply to someone directly.  It's a lot easier to see than quotation marks.

pantherRN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:f66a2287-1114-411d-b42f-37fe2cdca778">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Unless OPs wedding is extremely formal, top-shelf open bar all night, multi-course sit down meal, live band and other high dollar things, she should not be putting black tie on anything related to her wedding." That's really interesting you equate the amount of money spent on the event to the dress code. Just because my open bar doesn't have a $50 bottle of cognac behind it and expensive champagne doesn't mean it can't be<strong> elegant and fancy</strong>. Sure a buffet wouldn't go with the black tie theme but you don't always need to spend your life savings to make it look like you paid a pretty penny.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

Elegant and fancy =/= black tie

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:c7986fef-eccb-4f75-b780-55f0fcd28130">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]If bright clothes, sun dresses and flip flops are really what people are going to think even if I have black tie on the invite and website maybe I really should keep my blurb... Totally not the type of event we're having it's going to be very formal and very elegant. Maybe you guys might have some ideas to word the invite or website to make it known that those things are not appropriate at all?
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

I'd still stick with the FAQ format and let guests know that it is a formal event.  If their idea of 'formal' is dark jeans, a button down shirt and cowboy boots (<-my dad), then that's what will happen.  I can almost guarentee you that people like my dad wouldn't go out and buy a pair of slacks and dress shoes just because you explained in detail what <em>your</em> idea of formal is.  I promise, it's not going to ruin your wedding if someone shows up in jeans...

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:f66a2287-1114-411d-b42f-37fe2cdca778">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Unless OPs wedding is extremely formal, top-shelf open bar all night, multi-course sit down meal, live band and other high dollar things, she should not be putting black tie on anything related to her wedding." That's really interesting you equate the amount of money spent on the event to the dress code. Just because my open bar doesn't have a $50 bottle of cognac behind it and expensive champagne doesn't mean it can't be elegant and fancy. Sure a buffet wouldn't go with the black tie theme but you don't always need to spend your life savings to make it look like you paid a pretty penny.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

Formal or fancy does not mean the same thing as black tie. However, if you're making someone go out and spend money on a tux rental, you'd better believe you need to have a true "black tie wedding." Which equals the most formal. You can have a sit down dinner or a band for not much money. It's not the money, it's the formality. Really.

srfgirlie5

lol I didn't even see that. I was wondering why my quotes weren't popping up like others. Thanks

Mrs.B6302007

I had a total budget wedding but it was elegant.  No lighted tent, live band, multi-course meals but still elegant.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-include-this-wedding-website?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d349ffa9-a4e8-4130-81ae-eca68f5949eaPost:f66a2287-1114-411d-b42f-37fe2cdca778">Re: Is it rude to include this on the wedding website?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Unless OPs wedding is extremely formal, top-shelf open bar all night, multi-course sit down meal, live band and other high dollar things, she should not be putting black tie on anything related to her wedding." That's really interesting you equate the amount of money spent on the event to the dress code. Just because my open bar doesn't have a $50 bottle of cognac behind it and expensive champagne doesn't mean it can't be elegant and fancy. Sure a buffet wouldn't go with the black tie theme but you don't always need to spend your life savings to make it look like you paid a pretty penny.
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

But this is what "black tie" means. So you can't say you're having a "black tie" wedding without this stuff. Nobody's saying your wedding won't be nice and elegant, but it's not black tie.