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Church hunting

What is the proper etiquette for finding a church when you don't want to use their pastor?

My reverend from my hometown (~6 hours from where we are getting married) has agreed to marry my FI and I.  We are very close, and my FI is agreeable to the idea that he will marry us because we are getting married in FI's hometown.  We definitely want a church wedding, but are not sure how to approach venues knowing that we are not part of their congregation/don't want to have their pastor/reverend marry us.  (We are currently at school 3+ hours away, explaining why we are not part of the congregation)

We would really like to get married in FI's church at home, where is he a member of the congregation, but his church is an Assemblies of God parish, and from what others who have attempted to get married there have said, the resident pastor is NOT kosher with people bringing in outside reverends, especially those of a different sect of Christianity [I am Presbyterian].

Any suggestions or "rules" for approaching this situation delicately would be lovely...our date is unique [09/10/11] so we are trying to look/book venues before this summer.

SweetPea

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Re: Church hunting

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    Go to a church that is the religion of your pastor.
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    I would first try a Presbyterian church and offer a donation.






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    Is there a college campus nearby? You might be able to find a chapel without a regular congregation which would actually require you to bring in your own pastor. So you get the religious setting without the church politics.

    Oh, and ditto finding a Presbyterian church, if possible. (It should be possible. I'm a Presbyterian. They're everywhere!)
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    Are your FI's family members of a church? that might be a great place to start. and you could get a discount there.

    if not stay within the same denomination. 
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    The ONLY problem with station in the same demonimation in his town is that the Presbyterian church is running out of a restaurant and won't have a new sanctuary until 2012.  They just got approved to build the new one...they can't hold more than 50 people right now!!  =[

    And FI's family's church is the one I mentioned above.  The pastor is someone I do NOT like, but that's beside the point.  FI's friends tried to get married there with an outside Reverend of the same denomination and he refused to let them on site to even look at the place. :/

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    Well it sounds to me you're just SOL.

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    Try checking out nondenominational churches in the area.  You might have a bit more luck with them.
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    We're right by a University, so I'll definitely look there...and I'll look into nondemoniationals too.  But still, how do I approach a functioning church, same denomination or not, and be like, "Hey, love your place, but want to use my own reverend?"  RUDE much??

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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    edited February 2010
    well I'm sure there is someone in that Presbyterian congregation who want to get married in an actually church not a restaurant.  Can you ask them where might be able to suggest a place that would work with you?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_church-hunting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36f3cda-3cb8-4b57-98f9-8f48a4c3ec53Post:2a5e01e3-3d5c-40b8-a05c-a03bf23e976c">Re: Church hunting</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're right by a University, so I'll definitely look there...and I'll look into nondemoniationals too.  But still, how do I approach a functioning church, same denomination or not, and be like, "Hey, love your place, but want to use my own reverend?"  RUDE much??
    Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]

    Actually, that's not rude at all, just tell them what's going on.  Churches are understanding people.
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    I hadn't thought of that.  I'll put out a call/email.  Thanks =]

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_church-hunting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d36f3cda-3cb8-4b57-98f9-8f48a4c3ec53Post:2a5e01e3-3d5c-40b8-a05c-a03bf23e976c">Re: Church hunting</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're right by a University, so I'll definitely look there...and I'll look into nondemoniationals too.  But still, how do I approach a functioning church, same denomination or not, and be like, "Hey, love your place, but want to use my own reverend?"  RUDE much??
    Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]
    I don't find it all that rude, actually.  I think if you go in to it completely honest with the church, in that you're only there in search of a venue, not an officiant, you might be okay.  When you call to make an appointment to check out the church explain to them that you would really like for your life-long pastor to officiate the wedding, so you're really only interested in the church.  If they don't like it they'll tell you right then and there, over the phone.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    Just tell them that you are looking to get married in your Fi's home town, and his families church is the one running out of a restaurant.  and that you were hoping that maybe you could get married in their church but still use your pastor. 

    If you are really close to a college campus they probably get that a lot, and understand there are many reasons people want to use a different pastor. 

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    Thanks everyone =]  It is nice to have some help and know that I'm not being completely rude before I even start.

    We're making phone calls and emails this month so on our break next month we can go look/book before midterms and finals make us go crazy.  Date is unique, so we want a venue before school turns our lives upside down.  Oh, the joys of your last semester of college...

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    Also speak to the pastor that you want to marry you. It might be a better Idea to have him call the church once you find one.
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    Our situation was a little different because we got married in my church but used DH's pastor and it worked out fine.  It helped that it was an E Free pastor and a basically non-denominational church.  The pastor that married us sat down with a pastor from the church we got married in to make sure that the views were similar.  I just said that it was important that our ceremony take place in a church with someone that one of us was close to and they understood.

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    try a unitarian church.
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    I'm using a nondenomenational chapel in my area.  They have a list of judges/ministers they regularly use but allow you to bring in anyone you like.  Most communities have something like this, so I'm sure you'll find suggestions for something nice if you check with the brides on your local board.  Good luck!
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    Does it have to be a church? It seems that if you are already importing the reverend and looking for a church that doesn't match your denomination, pretty much any place would do. How would your pastor feel about officiating a ceremony in a secular setting?

    Another option if there's no college chapel is to look and see if there are any historic villages near your FI's hometown. I can think of several relatively near me that have little historic chapels that are open for booking weddings. Then you get the church feel with none of the theological implications.
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