I'm torn. Advice is appreciated.

cara92marie

Firstly, hello! I'm Cara. I lurk a lot and have only posted on NEY and the students board a few times. You ladies always give amazing advice and I'm in need of some right now. 

So my best friend used to date my FI's brother for 5 years until they broke up last year. It was messy and dramatic but both my best friend and FI's brother have moved on. She's engaged and he's in a long term relationship. But they both still hate eachother. My wedding isn't until mid 2014 but even in 2 years I don't think the situation will change at all as even a year later there is still great tension between my best friend and FI's family because of how the break up went down. My wedding is going to be very intimate, just immediate family, FI's best friend and my best friend. And I've basically been told that there will probably be drama between my best friend and FI's brother. I have no idea how to handle the situation when the time comes. Advice?

angelstar975

First of all, it is WAY too early to be worried about this. A lot of stuff can and probably will change in the next 2 years. Secondly, you're all adults... if they can't keep it together for one day for your wedding, that's ridiculous. If there's still a lot of hard feelings once the event gets closer, you need to talk to your best friend and FI should talk to his brother about not starting anything. IMO, it shouldn't even be necessary to ask people NOT to cause problems on your wedding day. If they do end up causing drama, I'd probably end my relationships with them because it's unacceptable for 2 adults to be incapable of being in the same place for a few hours 3 years after they broke up.

brilibby4

Wait a year and a half before you worry about this.  I know you say it won't change before then, but you really don't know that.  Either way, hopefully your friend and fbil will act like adults and keep their drama to themselves.  There isn't much you can do other than wait it out.

cara92marie

Thank you. I have my fingers crossed that the drama will die out by then and everyone can be civilized. I have a tendency to think about what if's way too much and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-torn-advice-is-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3a5c69f-2750-485d-9562-ce84eb695290Post:ce61c9f4-c78f-45d4-b427-5685862b25a4">Re: I'm torn. Advice is appreciated.</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, it is WAY too early to be worried about this. A lot of stuff can and probably will change in the next 2 years. Secondly, you're all adults... if they can't keep it together for one day for your wedding, that's ridiculous. If there's still a lot of hard feelings once the event gets closer, you need to talk to your best friend and FI should talk to his brother about not starting anything. IMO, it shouldn't even be necessary to ask people NOT to cause problems on your wedding day.<strong> If they do end up causing drama, I'd probably end my relationships with them because it's unacceptable for 2 adults to be incapable of being in the same place for a few hours 3 years after they broke up.</strong>
Posted by angelstar975[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, you'd end your relationships with them? That's... extreme. I agree with this, with the exception of the statement in bold. </div>

goobersinlove

It's a waste of your energy to worry about this now. 

And I think that they will be able to pull it together, in two years from now, to act like adults on your wedding day out of respect for you and FI. They don't need to sit next to each other, they don't need to talk to each other -- all they have to do is ignore each other.

**IF** either your best friend or FI's brother approaches you near the wedding and advises you that they anticipate drama between them at your wedding, at that point you/FI should tell the friend or brother this, "I really hope not because I really want to have my wedding be a happy day. If you can't keep it together for a couple hours in the same room, then please don't come. We'll miss you." Otherwise, assume that they know how to behave themselves.

cara92marie

I don't think I'd be so worried about it if we were having a bigger wedding with more guests. But since it will basically be only 20-30 people BFF and FBIL will be in close quarters (I think that's the term I'm looking for). I don't think I could end my relationship with either of them.  If it really came down to it I'd honestly rather elope with just FI and I just to avoid the drama all together.

cara92marie

I know it's a waste of energy. FI keeps telling me we'll cross that bridge when we come to it and I try not to think about it. But I was talking to BFF yesterday and she brought it up so I've been anxiously thinking about it again. Thank you for your input Goobers. I agree that they both should be able to put aside the drama and simply ignore eachother for one day.

LittleMissCutiePie

Agree with PPs; wait on this one. Also, this issue gets brought up A LOT and all I can say is they're adults. They're old enough to realize that their friends and family are FAR more important than some grudgy break up. They should be able to be civil for you and your FI for one day. If not, that is NOT your problem.

angelstar975

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-torn-advice-is-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3a5c69f-2750-485d-9562-ce84eb695290Post:bae2bf8f-061e-44fe-b4dd-7b59897e5a2e">Re: I'm torn. Advice is appreciated.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm torn. Advice is appreciated. : Wow, you'd end your relationships with them? That's... extreme. I agree with this, with the exception of the statement in bold. 
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

If they were immature and ridiculous enough to ruin my wedding? Yup. I don't need people that selfish in my life.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-torn-advice-is-appreciated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3a5c69f-2750-485d-9562-ce84eb695290Post:a923480b-b6a9-4f5f-9826-12f96b617326">Re: I'm torn. Advice is appreciated.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I'd be so worried about it if we were having a bigger wedding with more guests. But since it will basically be only 20-30 people BFF and FBIL will be in close quarters (I think that's the term I'm looking for). I don't think I could end my relationship with either of them.  If it really came down to it I'd honestly rather elope with just FI and I just to avoid the drama all together.
Posted by cara92marie[/QUOTE]

Why do you choose to worry about something you cannot control, other than making the choice not to invite either or both, at such an early stage?  Heck!  By the time your wedding rolls around, one or both may be engaged (again) to someone else, married or any number of variations on the theme. 

Now, if you really want to elope, do it.  But don't use their dysfunction as an excuse.  Just elope!