How do you tell guests what you're NOT paying for?

Starbuck673

My fiance's mother is paying for the groom's dinner, but she's really not happy about it. There was a lot of question about whether we'd have one at all but now it looks like she's willing to do it. One consession we offered was to have only the wedding party and immediate family paid for at the dinner. HOWEVER, we're having a destination wedding I and I just am not comfortable not inviting everyone to the dinner.

So how do we tell people, "please come to the groom's dinner and eat with us, but pay for your own food and drinks." ??

I don't want to be rude by not paying for everyone, but I don't want to have an exclusive little dinner when we're all going to be on this tiny little island together. I thought I could put a line in our calendar of events that we're putting in all the welcome bags, but I have no idea what to say.

luckyme502

Can you and FI pay for everyone else?

mwhitson14

What is a groom's dinner? The RD? If by everyone else, you mean like the WP's dates, I think that's pretty rude. IF you mean like OOT guests, then I'd say no big deal. Just spread it via word of mouth that you're going to be at X restaurant at Y time.

quotequeen

I don't think there's any polite way to have a party where you invite everybody but only pay for some people.  You should either not invite the other guests or pay for them yourselves.

Simply Fated

Groom's dinner... you mean rehearsal dinner? Is it the same thing?

If she is not happy about paying for it, then why is she?

And, wow, you can not just pay for SOME people to eat and not others... I can't even begin to discuss how rude that is. Instead of lecturing you, I will, instead, suggest you reread your post and let yourself come to that conclusion, which I'm sure you will, since you seem like a bright, intelligent person. Unless I'm wrong, in which case...

You can not invite some people to come eat for free and tell others they have to pay. There is no polite way to phrase that.
"You are important enough to attend our destination wedding, but not important enough for us to want to pay for you."

Eitehr dont' invite them, or pay for them, too. That's just my advice, though.

MeaghanandMichael

YOU pay for it? Novel idea?

It was your choice to have a DW where people have shelled out hundreds and thousands to join you. The least you can do is reciprocate. You think this would be common sense. Stop being cheap.

Simply Fated

Or, yeah, you pay for them, lol.

mwhitson14

Oh I totally missed you're having a DW. Yeah, they need to be paid for.

Moneypenny424

I think if paying are paying to come to a DW, you should pay for them to eat at the rehearsal dinner.  And NO, it isn't an option to invite them and have them pay for themselves.  They're paying a bunch of money to see you, the lesat you can do is pay for them to go to this dinner.

Starbuck673

Wow I was really hoping to get some help rather than angry people yelling at me. Seriously I'm getting that enough from my future mother in law.

Yes a groom's dinner is similar to a rehursal dinner, but at destination weddings there really isn't much in the way of rehursal.

I get that people are paying money to come to our wedding, but actually it isn't any more than it would be for any other wedding that you'd have to fly/drive to get to as it is in Michigan. Our friends and family live all over the country from coast to coast so there was no way to chose a centrally located place.

We do not have the budget to pay anything toward the groom's dinner. Honestly at this point I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing. Thanks ladies for making me feel like a terrible person! Why I'm I using the Knot again?

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-guests-not-paying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d419e1d4-2c19-4e44-bc93-098f9d1b9849Post:9a51311d-fbac-4908-ad4f-f58255d60f14">Re: How do you tell guests what you're NOT paying for?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was really hoping to get some help rather than angry people yelling at me. <strong>Seriously I'm getting that enough from my future mother in law.</strong> Yes a groom's dinner is similar to a rehursal dinner, but at destination weddings there really isn't much in the way of<strong> rehursal.</strong> I get that people are paying money to come to our wedding, but actually it isn't any more than it would be for any other wedding that you'd have to fly/drive to get to as it is in Michigan. Our friends and family live all over the country from coast to coast so there was no way to chose a centrally located place. We do not have the budget to pay anything toward the groom's dinner. Honestly at this point I'm tempted to cancel the whole thing. Thanks ladies for making me feel like a terrible person! Why I'm I using the Knot again?
Posted by Starbuck673[/QUOTE]

1) She seems wise.
2) It is rehearsal. I am pretty sure enough people used that word for you to see it correctly.
3) You plan the wedding you can afford. Maybe this is not the best option for you?

sarah0725

Nobody was all that mean to you. And maybe you should think about putting all of your information in your original post so people don't get confused.

The answer to your question, though: you can't invite people to a wedding-related event and then tell them it's Dutch treat. You need to think of something else.

Moneypenny424

There's no need to be dramatic--we're trying to be honest so that you don't offend your guests.  It isn't a good idea to invite people to a dinner and make them pay for themselves.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If you don't have a rehearsal, don't have a rehearsal dinner? Other options:

ONLY invite WP members and their dates, plus immediate families.

Have a really cheap dinner, like pizza at someone's house or subway giant sandwiches or costco trays at a local park.

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-guests-not-paying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d419e1d4-2c19-4e44-bc93-098f9d1b9849Post:9a51311d-fbac-4908-ad4f-f58255d60f14">Re: How do you tell guests what you're NOT paying for?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I was really hoping to get some help rather than angry people yelling at me.
Posted by Starbuck673[/QUOTE]

I really don't think <span style="font-weight:bold;">anyone</span> in this thread said anything to constitute as yelling at you or being rude.  They gave you their opinions, which is what you asked for.  Bottom line is, you should be planning a wedding <span style="text-decoration:underline;">you</span> can afford.  Not your parents or his parents, especially since his parents clearly don't even want to pay.  How in the world do you feel comfortable accepting money from someone you had to convince to give it to you? 

On a separate note, if you can't pay for everyone at the dinner I would recommend cutting corners somewhere else.  It is rude to pay for some and not others in this situation imo.

sarah0725

My brother did the barbecue thing, in a park. It was awesome. Can you do that as your pre-wedding event?

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-guests-not-paying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d419e1d4-2c19-4e44-bc93-098f9d1b9849Post:2cf8e538-0315-4bcc-b926-aae4d242bf95">How do you tell guests what you're NOT paying for?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's mother is paying for the groom's dinner, but she's really not happy about it. There was a lot of question about whether we'd have one at all but now it looks like she's willing to do it. One consession we offered was to have only the wedding party and immediate family paid for at the dinner. HOWEVER, we're having a destination wedding I and I just am not comfortable not inviting everyone to the dinner. So how do we tell people, "please come to the groom's dinner and eat with us, but pay for your own food and drinks." ?? I don't want to be rude by not paying for everyone, but I don't want to have an exclusive little dinner when we're all going to be on this tiny little island together. I thought I could put a line in our calendar of events that we're putting in all the welcome bags, but I have no idea what to say.
Posted by Starbuck673[/QUOTE]


Just because I can smell it coming.

jamiefour

What is a grooms rehursal dinner?

eastunder1

If I/my family couldn't afford to feed everyone at my rehersal dinner, I probably wouldnt be doing some destination wedding.  I would do something more low key locally like a brunch.  You can get pissy all you want, but the fact is these people are spending a lot of money to come to the destination wedding YOU decided to have.  To invite them to a pre wedding event and then not cover it is going to make you look like a huge asshole.  And really cheap.  You can get upset about it but thats simply how it is.  Do with that what you will.

Have you considered doing something exteremely low cost as a grooms dinner?  Rent a confrence room at your hotel and just get a ton of pizzas for everyone?  It doesnt have to be fancy.  The cost or formality isn't what matters.   Its your hospitality. 

HisCB

you can let everyone know that you are planning to meet for dinner at x place, casually. but i would suggest your wp pay for themselves if everyone else is going to have to.
i ditto planning a wedding you can afford. decide what your priorities are and spend money on them. if youre considering canceling it, then it must not be priority. GL with whatever you decide.

MeaghanandMichael

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-guests-not-paying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d419e1d4-2c19-4e44-bc93-098f9d1b9849Post:7e2ed79c-a24e-4a50-8a56-ff91e0479b12">Re: How do you tell guests what you're NOT paying for?</a>:
[QUOTE]you can let everyone know that you are planning to meet for dinner at x place, casually.<strong> but i would suggest your wp pay for themselves if everyone else is going to have to.</strong> i ditto planning a wedding you can afford. decide what your priorities are and spend money on them. if youre considering canceling it, then it must not be priority. GL with whatever you decide.
Posted by HisCB[/QUOTE]

That is a big fat NO.

eastunder1

What Meghan said. 

lemken

First of all, you could afford to feed people to some extent... sandwiches, pizza, etc. It doesn't have to be catered, at a restaurant, etc. Do it at a public park and grill like other people said. BUT, if you even can't afford that, don't have a rehearsal dinner at all. It will be strange, but I would rather not have a rehearsal dinner than having everyone out for dinner and then handing them the bill. If you do this, your guests will be offended and not very pleased with you on your wedding day. You want to start you wedding weekend off right, don't you?

Best of luck - but you try to think about these things before planning out your entire wedding. Building a wedding that you can afford is important, and you have to remember this isn't just about your pocket book. This is a celebration is about your guests too. If you need to have a small wedding, have a small wedding, but make sure that your always thinking about your guests. Put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you spend thousands traveling and then had to pay for a rehearsal dinner? I would be pissed.

smokeybailey

My sister did a pre-fixed menu at a pub for ALL out of town guests at her DW.  She served only sodas, water and iced tea (although a few drunks made their way to the bar).  She said it wasn't too bad at all.  She even rented a bus to take people from the hotel to the restaruant and shuffle them back throughout the evening.

Don't invite people and tell them to pay for themselves.  Either you pick it up or you have MIL move it to a cheaper venue to allow for more people or you keep it very intimate.

MyNameIsNot

There is no way to do something so rude.  

Just cancelling the whole thing seems like a great idea at this point.  Inviting people to pay to travel to your wedding, and then getting really cheap with them is not going to go over well.

You do not invite people and then tell them to pay.  You just don't.  

mica178

What about an earlier rehearsal with associated rehearsal lunch?  That might be cheaper.  Or have your FMIL host a pre-rehearsal lunch and you guys host a welcome drinks/dinner reception afterwards for all OOT guests.  If you get creative, you might be able to feed everyone for not too much money.

The point of inviting OOT guests to the RD is to thank them for traveling to your wedding, not to stick them with another bill.

lyndausvi

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_just-16

here is thread about the same thing. Now the OP is the  FI of one of the WP members.  But they are expecting her to pay for her own meal.  This will give you an idea how people will feel when they find out some people invited get free meals and other do not and the same table

Goldlie11

You don't have to have a rehearsal.  If you do have one, then you should provide a meal at no costs to your guests.  It you are having a big wedding and only do a RD for the WP, that's fine.  If you end up with 10 people being left out, then it's not okay.

I don't understand rehearsals unless a lot of people are involved or you're doing something really unique that requires practice.  I was in a medium sized wedding and we had no rehearsal.  Everything was fine.  

lnturnbull

I understand your dilemna with having no central location. With a DW most people are going to think of this as their vacation too and realize that other than official wedding events, they will have to pay their way.

 For the rehersal, you need to only invite people that you can pay for - regardless of what kind of rehersal you have. As long as you provide information (local maps, wedding events schedule, and a list of fun attractions) your non WP guests aren't going to wonder why they weren't invited to the RH - they'll be off having fun and looking forward to seeing you the next day.