Divorced parents situation (very bad)

junebabymia

 My mother and father are divorced and HATE eachother, My brother also Hates my father!
Background: My brothers ex girlfriend(love of his life in high school) moved in to my parents house( brother doesnt live at home) because she lost her house and her kids and is CRAZY! Well a few months into this she told my mother that my father raped her.( She has accused about 5 ppl of this in the past) Alot of drama happened then she said they had slept together, my mom had a nervous breakdown and moved out. After that she stayed living with my father to free load off of him. So the past year my dad has said it was true they slept together, it was all a lie because he didnt want to be with my mother, it was a lie and he was trying to protect himself from her pressing charges.( ALL OF THIS TOOK PLACE WHEN I WAS 8 MONTHS PREGNANT AND I WAS PUT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL)

Sorry I know that was a lot. So since planning my wedding my father has kept saying we are being stupid for spending all this money and just get married at the court and have a backyard bbq! I still am not sure if I want to invite him to our wedding, he was a very abusive person but has always kinda been there when he was needed. My brother has told me if my father is there he will not attend and it breaks my heart! So today my father asked if we were going to stream the wedding online because he wasn't going to go, because the drama with my mother.(not sure if he said this so i would tell him"no i want you to come!)

If you are still with me here is my question? What would you do? I honestly am at a loss and am starting to get down about my own wedding because of this

kimiandgary

You can't control what other people do. Invite who YOU want at the wedding and the decision to come will be on them.

Take a hard look at your relationship with your father. Do you want him to walk you down the aisle? F/D dance? What would be missing from your day with him not there?

Tough spot.

Simply Fated

Your brother's girlfriend cheated on him with your father? Is that the basic story here?

lauralaur

If you want your father there, then you should invite him. And, if you want your father there, you should remind your brother that he is attending your wedding to support you, not to see your father. And that you would hope he wouldn't really miss your wedding over this.

junebabymia

Sorry I didnt make it more clear it had been 5 years since my brother and his ex broke up!.....I honestly dont know where I stand with my father....My FI tells me im a push over and my dad says things to make me feel bad and down about anthing exciting in my life. He is my father and I dont want to hurt him but I would honestly feel a bit uncomfortable walking down the isle with him and the FD dance. But again I dont want to hurt his feelings. If he decided not to come i would love to either have my brother or my uncle to walk me down the isle.

lauralaur

Your father doesn't have to walk you down the aisle, even if he is there.

The Mel and Todd Show

So, did your dad actually rape her? Have consensual sex with her? What? There's nothing that says you have to invite your father. There's also nothing that says if you do invite him that he gets to walk you down the aisle or dance with you. If my father raped my brother's ex or even just slept with my brother's ex and it broke up my parent's marriage, I probably wouldn't invite him or worry about what he thought of his lack of invitation. So there's that.

junebabymia

no he did not rape her! Im sure of that! she had pressed charges against 5 ppl for the same thing. just for attention or to get out of her own trouble. I think deep down I hope he will decide not to come...

housewifehobbiest

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I think your father gave you an out though.  Assuming it is possible to stream, tell him that you hope that he will go and he will be missed if he doesn't.  Then let him know if he would like you'll stream it for him.

 It's a real shame when divorced parents can't put aside their differences for a day to make their children happy.

Simply Fated

Were they still friend's after they broke up? I mean, why did she move in? I'm curious as to how this situation even came about... Did you live there at the time?

The Mel and Todd Show

So...did he sleep with her, then? It just seems weird that someone would be like "yea, I slept with her" if he, you know, didn't. And saying he did when he didn't just to get out of his marriage is equally shitty, really. So what actually happened? How old was she when it happened?

junebabymia

My brother still talked to her on and off...I was not living with them but was at the house everyday (i didnt have a job and was preggo) spending time with my mom planning the shower and baby stuff. I dont know what happened...I found naked pix of her in my father cell, he told me he had them so he had evidence that he didnt rape her if she tried to press charges she was 24 at the time my father 42

mollyehren

Let me start by saying I'm blunt. I would have a conversation with each of them about how childish they are acting and how all I want is for them to be supportive and show up and behave. I would also NOT try to mend the relationship they have with each other  and make sure they are all sitting FAR FAR apart.  Otherwise eloping is sounding like a great option for you.

The Mel and Todd Show

I can't really say how YOU should react. I'm not sure I could have a relationship with my dad after that. If you can, and you want him there, then you're well within your rights to invite him. Or not invite him, if that's how you feel more comfortable.

sparent2010

Listen to Mel - Decide if having  the relationship is worth it and decide if you want to invite him or not. 

junebabymia

I think if he brings up not going i will throw out the idea of streaming again .....FI has a large close family otherwise we would elope! I am much closer to his family then my own..we have been together for almost 7 years and I think of his family as my own.

tidetravel

If you want him there, then invite him and allow him to make the choice to come or not.  Even if he attends, he doesn't have to be "honored" in any special way.  There is something to be said, however, for getting toxic people out of one's life.  If he's abusive and/or makes you feel bad about yourself, perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship with him.

If you're OK with him not attending the wedding (because YOU don't care or don't want him there - not due to what other people want), then I think streaming the wedding is an option that you can consider.

whitsy

I would not invite him, and holy shitballs what a mess. I would disown my dad if he acted that way.

Habs2Hart

Hire a videographer, send him the dvd after it's all said and done.  I wouldn't invite him either, not with the way he's acting, and you obviously aren't close.  He's already mentioned he's not going to go.  Keep the peace with those you are close to.  If she's still living with him and they are together, she'd have to be invited to and that would make for one hell of a mess. 

Have your mom or your brother walk you down the aisle.  I've seen plenty of women do a mother/daughter dance aswell.  My friend is doing a brother/sister dance since her dad is a disaster and fucked out of her life when she was young. 

JacklovesSarah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_divorced-parents-situation-very-bad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d44ec385-509e-437c-a92b-1b36e9ad4e10Post:932a6fba-f02e-47be-a08b-a238f4dd941c">Re: Divorced parents situation (very bad)</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry I didnt make it more clear it had been 5 years since my brother and his ex broke up!.....I honestly dont know where I stand with my father....My FI tells me im a push over and my dad says things to make me feel bad and down about anthing exciting in my life. He is my father and I dont want to hurt him but I would honestly feel a bit uncomfortable walking down the isle with him and the FD dance. But again I dont want to hurt his feelings. If he decided not to come i would love to either have my brother or my uncle to walk me down the isle.
Posted by junebabymia[/QUOTE]

The thing is, in my experience, most fathers of our generation and before, are hardasses. Some fathers just aren't the kind that you want to dance with or walk you down the asile, but they're your one and only dad. You have some serious drama that has been placed on your shoulders. I think the best thing you can do, is invite whoever you want to be at your wedding and if they don't come, that's on them. They shouldn't put you in that position to begin with.