Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her

I'm having an extremely difficult time with my fmil. To be honest, I'm hugely intimidated by her, as she openly chides and embarasses me whenever she disagrees with something. I feel like out of respect for fh, I can't say or do much back.

It's time for our wedding invitations to go out, as many of them are going to far-away countries. We have been engaged since December 2011 and are getting married this May. We have given both sets of parents MORE than enough time to compile guest lists. My parents had everything done in time, and helped us make our wedding invitations.

His parents barely helped at all- other than his mom coming a couple times to help with some gluing. So it's been me and my parents slaving away, doing the best that we could with the time that we had. At first, his mom said she only needed 20 invitations, since she wouldn't be inviting her family at all. When fh said that it was rude not to invite her family (she didn't want to because according to her, they were "cheap" people, and since they probably couldn't come, there's no reason to "Waste" an invitation asking").

Finally, she came to when I repeatedly told her that it's their decision whether or not to come, but not even asking people (or telling them about the wedding- she wanted to keep it a secret!) is not ok. I don't want to start our married life together offending half of his family.

Anyways, time to send out invitations, after spending countless weeks making them, and NOW she decides to keep adding to the list! She doesn't even email me to say "Hey, is it ok if we also add...", she just sends me addresses! All I get is an email saying "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, 52 Whatever Street, Blah blah". On top of wanting to invite people literally at the last second, she doesn't even want to provide addresses for half of these guests, saying that she can get some friends to pass on the invitations (as in, mail 10 invitations to a friend, who then has to drive around the city distributing these to the other people they know). ANd that if we aren't ok with that, she's just going to EMAIL them the details.

She has also told us that she won't be asking people who have not RSVP'd for their responses, as it's "awkward", and she will be letting her guests with children choose the adult menu if they don't want the kids menu.

I am about to go nuts- she literally will not comply with any etiquette rules or guidelines that we want to stick to. When we tell her that that's how it needs to be done, she literally just laughs in our face, then still won't do it.

I don't want to be rude, but I'm at my wits end. We're planning a very elegant wedding, and she's just ruining the vibe by emailing people details for invitations, not sticking to etiquette rules, etc. Fh needs to talk to her, but what to say?! 

Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her

  • Options

    My first question is where is your FI and what is HE doing about this?  She insults you and puts you down but you don't say anything out of respect for your FI?  Um, no.  That is not respect.

    He needs to be dealing with his mother.  1.  He needs to tell her she treats you with respect or you guys won't be around her.  2.  He needs totell his mother (providing she isn't paying for the wedding) that these are the rules for the wedding and if she can't accept them, she isn't inviting anyone.

    Why are you allowing someone to treat you like this?

  • Options

    Your FI needs to deal with his mom.  I know this is a party line, but it's true.  If you are willing to accomodate the extra guests she wants to add, FI needs to give his mom a final deadline for her guests INCLUDING addresses.  Anyone whose address she doesn't provide will not receive an invitation (meaning you won't be sending ten invitations to one address for someone else to distribute).  You do not want to depend on someone else to distribute your wedding invitations, since I'm assuming you need catering numbers by a specific date. 

    If she is threatening to invite people by email, I'm afraid you may need to have venue security to make sure only invited guests are let in.  I would suggest that your FI tell his mom that's how it's going to be.  If she decides to invite people by email anyway, she will look like an ass when these people are not let in.

    image
    Daisypath Anniversary tickersFollow Me on Pinterest
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:5bfb2df9-ddb9-497d-82e0-22cd27e79fd1">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]My first question is where is your FI and what is HE doing about this?  She insults you and puts you down but you don't say anything out of respect for your FI?  Um, no.  That is not respect. He needs to be dealing with his mother.  1.  He needs to tell her she treats you with respect or you guys won't be around her.  2.  He needs totell his mother (providing she isn't paying for the wedding) that these are the rules for the wedding and if she can't accept them, she isn't inviting anyone. Why are you allowing someone to treat you like this?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, all of this.

  • Options
    edited March 2013
    Your FI needs to be firm that you will not be tracking down addresses, children will be provided the children's meal, no exceptions.  You also need to set a limit on the number of people she invites and tell her that if you do not have an RSVP back from her guests, you will not be chasing down an answer and if they show up after not responding, they will just go foodless and seatless.

    If she is embarrassing you publicly and your FI does nothing to stop it, he is disrespecting you.  Don't feel guilty at all if you defend yourself.  If he has a problem with you defending yourself, you have a bigger problem than your FMIL.

    ETA - or disrespecting you privately
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    Is she paying for the wedding or a large portion of it? My response would be completely different based on the answer to this.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:05860be6-18ec-493e-b9e6-1f7346c905f9">Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm having an extremely difficult time with my fmil. To be honest, I'm hugely intimidated by her, as she openly chides and embarasses me whenever she disagrees with something. I feel like out of respect for fh, I can't say or do much back. It's time for our wedding invitations to go out, as many of them are going to far-away countries. We have been engaged since December 2011 and are getting married this May. We have given both sets of parents MORE than enough time to compile guest lists. My parents had everything done in time, and helped us make our wedding invitations. <strong>His parents barely helped at all- other than his mom coming a couple times to help with some gluing.</strong> So it's been me and my parents slaving away, doing the best that we could with the time that we had. At first, his mom said she only needed 20 invitations, since she wouldn't be inviting her family at all. When fh said that it was rude not to invite her family (she didn't want to because according to her, they were "cheap" people, and since they probably couldn't come, there's no reason to "Waste" an invitation asking"). Finally, she came to when I repeatedly told her that it's their decision whether or not to come, but not even asking people (or telling them about the wedding- she wanted to keep it a secret!) is not ok. I don't want to start our married life together offending half of his family. Anyways, time to send out invitations, after spending countless weeks making them, and NOW she decides to keep adding to the list! She doesn't even email me to say "Hey, is it ok if we also add...", she just sends me addresses! All I get is an email saying "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, 52 Whatever Street, Blah blah". On top of wanting to invite people literally at the last second, <strong>she doesn't even want to provide addresses for half of these guests, saying that she can get some friends to pass on the invitations</strong> (as in, mail 10 invitations to a friend, who then has to drive around the city distributing these to the other people they know). ANd that if we aren't ok with that, she's just going to EMAIL them the details.<strong> She has also told us that she won't be asking people who have not RSVP'd for their responses, as it's "awkward",</strong> and she will be<strong> letting her guests with children choose the adult menu if they don't want the kids menu.</strong> I am about to go nuts- she literally will not comply with any etiquette rules or guidelines that we want to stick to. When we tell her that that's how it needs to be done, she literally just laughs in our face, then still won't do it. I don't want to be rude, but I'm at my wits end. We're planning a very elegant wedding, and she's just ruining the vibe by emailing people details for invitations, not sticking to etiquette rules, etc. <strong>Fh needs to talk to her, but what to say?! 
    </strong>Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    1.  It is not your FMIL's job to put your invitations together, it's yours.  It's wonderful that your parents have been helpful, but no one is REQUIRED to help you.  You should be grateful for any help that she has given you instead of complaining that it wasn't enough.

    2.  Have your FH tell his mother that if she doesn't provide addresses, her guests aren't invited and you will not be able to accommodate them because you won't be able to keep track of who has been invited and whether they're coming and won't have seats for them.  She can either choose to have them invited or not, but it will be how you and your groom want to go about it.

    3.  It's not her job to go after RSVPs unless she's co-hosting the wedding.  Whoever is receiving the RSVPs is the one who should call.  Your FH can call guests on his side to find out if they're coming.

    4.  I think it makes sense for children to get adult meals if they don't want the kids' meals.  Depending on the venue and the age cut off for childrens' meals, those meals can sometimes be too small for older kids.  I went to a wedding once where a tiny 9-year old girl wanted the adult meal (and ate every bit of it) because the kids' meals were portioned for kids even younger/smaller than her.

    5.  Definitely have your FH be the one to talk to his mom, but he should only be focusing on getting addresses and letting her know that e-mailing is unacceptable because the e-mail recipients will be offended.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:5bfb2df9-ddb9-497d-82e0-22cd27e79fd1">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]My first question is where is your FI and what is HE doing about this?  She insults you and puts you down but you don't say anything out of respect for your FI?  Um, no.  That is not respect. He needs to be dealing with his mother.  1.  He needs to tell her she treats you with respect or you guys won't be around her.  2.  He needs totell his mother (providing she isn't paying for the wedding) that these are the rules for the wedding and if she can't accept them, she isn't inviting anyone. Why are you allowing someone to treat you like this?
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

    <div>She isn't paying for the wedding at all- she offered to help with some expenses at first, but that never materialized and so we are picking up the tab on our own.</div><div>
    </div><div>I agree that he needs to be dealing with her, but he's never around when she behaves badly towards me- it's like she waits for the opportunity and strikes! I told him your second point- now I'm just waiting to see what he'll say to her!</div><div>
    </div><div>I don't know why I'm allowing her to do this- I think I'm just so intimidated by her that I'm scared to say anything, and I don't want to start some huge drama (and she does tend to get dramatic).</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:2b189f9d-83fd-4a25-85af-f9c9329a0b28">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your FI needs to deal with his mom.  I know this is a party line, but it's true.  If you are willing to accomodate the extra guests she wants to add, FI needs to give his mom a final deadline for her guests INCLUDING addresses.  Anyone whose address she doesn't provide will not receive an invitation (meaning you won't be sending ten invitations to one address for someone else to distribute).  You do not want to depend on someone else to distribute your wedding invitations, since I'm assuming you need catering numbers by a specific date.  If she is threatening to invite people by email, I'm afraid you may need to have venue security to make sure only invited guests are let in.  I would suggest that your FI tell his mom that's how it's going to be.  If she decides to invite people by email anyway, she will look like an ass when these people are not let in.
    Posted by daveANDkristen[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thank you for the advice, I fully agree. I just need the courage to stick to this, because I know you're right!</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:826301e9-9712-43fd-8f5e-b2ca6cd92d06">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your FI needs to be firm that you will not be tracking down addresses, children will be provided the children's meal, no exceptions.  You also need to set a limit on the number of people she invites and tell her that if you do not have an RSVP back from her guests, you will not be chasing down an answer and if they show up after not responding, they will just go foodless and seatless. If she is embarrassing you publicly and your FI does nothing to stop it, he is disrespecting you.  Don't feel guilty at all if you defend yourself.  If he has a problem with you defending yourself, you have a bigger problem than your FMIL. ETA - or disrespecting you privately
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for saying what I needed to hear- I do have an issue with guilt when it comes to her! I also agree with all your other points!</div>
  • Options
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:0aa961dc-790b-41a3-8c7d-c2fa207280f9">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : 1.  It is not your FMIL's job to put your invitations together, it's yours.  It's wonderful that your parents have been helpful, but no one is REQUIRED to help you.  You should be grateful for any help that she has given you instead of complaining that it wasn't enough. 2.  Have your FH tell his mother that if she doesn't provide addresses, her guests aren't invited and you will not be able to accommodate them because you won't be able to keep track of who has been invited and whether they're coming and won't have seats for them.  She can either choose to have them invited or not, but it will be how you and your groom want to go about it. 3.  It's not her job to go after RSVPs unless she's co-hosting the wedding.  Whoever is receiving the RSVPs is the one who should call.  Your FH can call guests on his side to find out if they're coming. 4.  I think it makes sense for children to get adult meals if they don't want the kids' meals.  Depending on the venue and the age cut off for childrens' meals, those meals can sometimes be too small for older kids.  I went to a wedding once where a tiny 9-year old girl wanted the adult meal (and ate every bit of it) because the kids' meals were portioned for kids even younger/smaller than her. 5.  Definitely have your FH be the one to talk to his mom, but he should only be focusing on getting addresses and letting her know that e-mailing is unacceptable because the e-mail recipients will be offended.
    Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

    <div>1- I'm not complaining that she didn't help, as I enjoyed spending the time with my parents. I'm just saying that she is piling on the work without any idea of what it means- it's like she thinks that hand-made invitations just fell from our ceiling or something. There's no question of "CAN you make another invitation" (time-wise), it's just a demand for more- like my parents and I are her private printing shop.</div><div>
    </div><div>2- I agree with this, and it's exactly what I told fh. I just hope he can tell her the same.</div><div>
    </div><div>3- the problem with the RSVPs is that she will NOT give us phone numbers to call. She says that they're not necessary, and that whoever responds yes is good, and whoever doesn't respond will have to have a meal paid for "in case they show up". It's not just that she doesn't want to call them personally, it's that she won't provide the information to us, either. </div><div>
    </div><div>4- the kid's meal is exactly the same as the adult meal (and same portion) for the appetizer, soup, intermezzo, desserts, and late night stations. The only difference is that instead of getting the 2 entrees the same, they are different (first entree for adults is sole stuffed with shrimp and scallops, while the kids get an italian-style thin crust 12-inch pizza... and second entree the adults get a bone-in steak while the kids get half a rotisserie chicken with the same sides as adults). We've seen the kid's portions (as they are originally meant to be vendor meals, but we upgraded the kids to that. Originally the kids were supposed to have veggies and dips for the first entree, and nuggets and fries for the second. Frankly, we cannot afford to have kids take up the adult meal for her entire side- that would easily be another few thousands just for a slight change in entrees!)</div><div>
    </div><div>5- agreed. I know I'd be offended if I got emailed an invitation, while everyone else had actual ones mailed to them. I'd feel like a complete afterthought! </div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:dbf5eded-463e-496e-a12c-f8eaf3459bbf">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : She isn't paying for the wedding at all- she offered to help with some expenses at first, but that never materialized and so we are picking up the tab on our own. <strong>I agree that he needs to be dealing with her, but he's never around when she behaves badly towards me- it's like she waits for the opportunity and strikes!</strong> I told him your second point- now I'm just waiting to see what he'll say to her! I don't know why I'm allowing her to do this- I think I'm just so intimidated by her that I'm scared to say anything, and I don't want to start some huge drama (and she does tend to get dramatic).
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    This is what worries me.  Are you saying your FI never talks to his mom about this stuff?

    If I told my FI that his mother disrespected me when he wasn't around, he would believe me because he knows I don't lie about stuff like that.  And he would approach her about. 

    Other PPs and I may be reading too much into this, but from your posts, it sounds like FI needs to stick up for you more.  The problem with his mom will not get better after getting married, but could get worse.  I just hope he can get a handle on his mom.

    And sorry you're having to deal with this.  She sounds like a real pain.

    SaveSave
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:8a4152d5-a6f6-4f0d-9b59-ab11a09a1733">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : This is what worries me.  Are you saying your FI never talks to his mom about this stuff? If I told my FI that his mother disrespected me when he wasn't around, he would believe me because he knows I don't lie about stuff like that.  And he would approach her about.  Other PPs and I may be reading too much into this, but from your posts, it sounds like FI needs to stick up for you more.  The problem with his mom will not get better after getting married, but could get worse.  I just hope he can get a handle on his mom. And sorry you're having to deal with this.  She sounds like a real pain.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're right, he doesn't ever talk to his mom about anything- he seems to be pretty scared of her, too. And he avoids conflict as much as possible. The last time he had to talk to his dad about something that wasn't ok (a few years back, when fh was 28 years old) they got in a fight. When fh turned around to walk away, ffil kicked him in the ass really hard out of rage... they're scary people... I'm not even joking! </div><div>
    </div><div>I hope he can get a handle on his mom, too. She is being a huge pain and I don't want to start off our marriage on such a crappy note.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thank you for the words of wisdom, Monkeysip!</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:b5eab1f3-e5ab-40f2-a0c2-02938fb80ad9">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : You're right, he doesn't ever talk to his mom about anything- he seems to be pretty scared of her, too. And he avoids conflict as much as possible. The last time he had to talk to his dad about something that wasn't ok (a few years back, when fh was 28 years old) they got in a fight. When fh turned around to walk away, ffil kicked him in the ass really hard out of rage... they're scary people... I'm not even joking!  I hope he can get a handle on his mom, too. She is being a huge pain and I don't want to start off our marriage on such a crappy note. Thank you for the words of wisdom, Monkeysip!
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    Has your FI every received counseling?  It sounds like he grew up in an abusive and manipulative family.  If he doesn't stand up for you now, you are going to have a really hard marriage ahead of you, especially if you have kids.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    I disagree that only your fiance can handle this issue. I think YOU should talk to your mother in law. As long as she feels like she can walk all over you and disrespect you she will. You need to exert your dominance and show her what is and is not acceptable. Tell her:

    1) You need names and addresses for all of her guests, as well as an email or phone number for later rsvp confirmation.

    2) You need this information by X date.

    3) Anyone you do not have that information for by X date will not be invited and will not be allowed into the reception by the security guard.

    4) Explain the situation with the kids meal and inform her that your decison on that is FINAL.

    I know what it's like to have a stubborn and sometimes pushy FMIL. But I don't take crap from her.  Because I assert myself and my own opinion we actually have a very good relationship with one another.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    Wow!  After your last post, I am going to highly encourage you guys to do some premarriage counseling regarding his parents.  Sounds like you guys need to distance yourself from them and have a strategy in place as your life goes forward.  They truly sound toxic.

    That is unreal that your FFIL kicked your FI in the backside.  I had toxic people in my family (I was orphaned as a child and the aunt that raised me was the Queen of Toxic - NO ONE crossed her) and I put many miles between  us.

    Toxic, aggressive people get away with the crap because they know they can.  When someone tries to stand up to them (like your FI walking away from his father) they know exactly what to do to whip you right back in line.  You don't have to accept this as your way of life.

    I REALLY encourage you guys to look into counseling so you can get over the intimidation they cause and decide how you will move forward in a successful marriage.  You will need each other's support for that.

    I can't imagine those people as grandparents to my children. 

    I wish you the best of luck here.  This touches a raw nerve for me that's been buried for a long time.  Did I mention premarital counseling?  The counseling I did regarding my toxic aunt saved my life and showed me how to deal with her BS.  I won the war.....

    Good luck!
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:c245ea18-6f95-41ef-acb1-ad7fb19513cf">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : Has your FI every received counseling?  It sounds like he grew up in an abusive and manipulative family.  If he doesn't stand up for you now, you are going to have a really hard marriage ahead of you, especially if you have kids.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, he hasn't gone to couseling. He kinda just bottles it up, thinking that he doesn't want to complain. He's started talking to me about stuff a few years back, which was definitely progress. Maybe soon he'll be comfortable with counseling!</div><div>
    </div><div>He really needs to stand up to them- for both of us. I look at how things are with my parents, and I just appreciate them so much more now. Even when we'd argue, we'd always treat each other with dignity and respect. I can't imagine being stuck with a family that doesn't value those things.</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:b5eab1f3-e5ab-40f2-a0c2-02938fb80ad9">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : You're right, he doesn't ever talk to his mom about anything- he seems to be pretty scared of her, too. And he avoids conflict as much as possible. The last time he had to talk to his dad about something that wasn't ok (a few years back, when fh was 28 years old) they got in a fight. When fh turned around to walk away, ffil kicked him in the ass really hard out of rage... they're scary people... I'm not even joking!  I hope he can get a handle on his mom, too. She is being a huge pain and I don't want to start off our marriage on such a crappy note. Thank you for the words of wisdom, Monkeysip!
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    Well, you're in luck! Wedding rings come with a set of balls and a spine. All of your problems with your MIL and abusive FIL will disappear when you both say "I do."
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:812b1e71-6760-451a-9389-1f2d521aa5dc">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree that only your fiance can handle this issue. I think YOU should talk to your mother in law. As long as she feels like she can walk all over you and disrespect you she will. You need to exert your dominance and show her what is and is not acceptable. Tell her: 1) You need names and addresses for all of her guests, as well as an email or phone number for later rsvp confirmation. 2) You need this information by X date. 3) Anyone you do not have that information for by X date will not be invited and will not be allowed into the reception by the security guard. 4) Explain the situation with the kids meal and inform her that your decison on that is FINAL. I know what it's like to have a stubborn and sometimes pushy FMIL. But I don't take crap from her.  Because I assert myself and my own opinion we actually have a very good relationship with one another.
    Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

    I completely agree that she needs to stand up to her FMIL as well, but I still think her FI should be handling this and not just leave it up to her.  It's really important that they both get on the same page and stand up to her together.  They gotta back each other up.

    SaveSave
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:812b1e71-6760-451a-9389-1f2d521aa5dc">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree that only your fiance can handle this issue. I think YOU should talk to your mother in law. As long as she feels like she can walk all over you and disrespect you she will. <strong>You need to exert your dominance</strong> and show her what is and is not acceptable. Tell her: 1) You need names and addresses for all of her guests, as well as an email or phone number for later rsvp confirmation. 2) You need this information by X date. 3) Anyone you do not have that information for by X date will not be invited and will not be allowed into the reception by the security guard. 4) Explain the situation with the kids meal and inform her that your decison on that is FINAL. I know what it's like to have a stubborn and sometimes pushy FMIL. But I don't take crap from her.  Because I assert myself and my own opinion we actually have a very good relationship with one another.
    Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

    We're not talking about feral cats here.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:2b6550b0-b3e9-4bc5-9c11-9d76eec0d552">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : No, he hasn't gone to couseling. He kinda just bottles it up, thinking that he doesn't want to complain. He's started talking to me about stuff a few years back, which was definitely progress. Maybe soon he'll be comfortable with counseling! He really needs to stand up to them- for both of us. I look at how things are with my parents, and I just appreciate them so much more now. Even when we'd argue, we'd always treat each other with dignity and respect. I can't imagine being stuck with a family that doesn't value those things.
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    You cannot marry this man until he seeks professional help to deal with this family and his past.  If you do, get a good prenup that will make the divorce simple.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:812b1e71-6760-451a-9389-1f2d521aa5dc">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]I disagree that only your fiance can handle this issue. I think YOU should talk to your mother in law. As long as she feels like she can walk all over you and disrespect you she will. You need to exert your dominance and show her what is and is not acceptable. Tell her: 1) You need names and addresses for all of her guests, as well as an email or phone number for later rsvp confirmation. 2) You need this information by X date. 3) Anyone you do not have that information for by X date will not be invited and will not be allowed into the reception by the security guard. 4) Explain the situation with the kids meal and inform her that your decison on that is FINAL. I know what it's like to have a stubborn and sometimes pushy FMIL. But I don't take crap from her.  Because I assert myself and my own opinion we actually have a very good relationship with one another.
    Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I would like to talk to her, too, but for some reason I need to feel like he's backing me up first. I really need him to say something so we can feel like a team, not just me arguing with them. I definitely need to be more assertive though!</div><div>
    </div><div>As for the rest of the stuff, I agree- especially the part about it being FINAL. that seems to be a foreign concept to fmil.

    </div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:9e07bcde-fe99-4da0-b1ec-9d20d6e7956b">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow!  After your last post, I am going to highly encourage you guys to do some premarriage counseling regarding his parents.  Sounds like you guys need to distance yourself from them and have a strategy in place as your life goes forward.  They truly sound toxic. That is unreal that your FFIL kicked your FI in the backside.  I had toxic people in my family (I was orphaned as a child and the aunt that raised me was the Queen of Toxic - NO ONE crossed her) and I put many miles between  us. Toxic, aggressive people get away with the crap because they know they can.  When someone tries to stand up to them (like your FI walking away from his father) they know exactly what to do to whip you right back in line.  You don't have to accept this as your way of life. I REALLY encourage you guys to look into counseling so you can get over the intimidation they cause and decide how you will move forward in a successful marriage.  You will need each other's support for that. I can't imagine those people as grandparents to my children.  I wish you the best of luck here.  This touches a raw nerve for me that's been buried for a long time.  Did I mention premarital counseling?  The counseling I did regarding my toxic aunt saved my life and showed me how to deal with her BS.  I won the war..... Good luck!
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I appreciate that you've shared your experience, I'm glad someone else understands the damage that being in such a toxic relationship with other family members can do. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think I'll push fh to come to counseling- I do believe that it can greatly benefit us, and maybe hearing that he needs to lay boundaries from someone else will help, too!

    </div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:75c9b3ce-e00b-4cb6-bac9-01f15909c80a">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : You cannot marry this man until he seeks professional help to deal with this family and his past.  If you do, get a good prenup that will make the divorce simple.
    Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

    <div>The more I read the replies, the more I see that counseling would help. I'll be discussing this with him tonight- hopefully he'll be open to trying it asap.</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:db764f2d-2d8b-47ee-8c53-be448af219bd">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : I see OP's next family reunion with the ILs looking a lot like this.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>That made me laugh! Thanks for the giggle... one can fantasize loL!</div>
  • Options
    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:86dad130-e740-4fa5-9c5f-8935bc978fd6">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : The more I read the replies, the more I see that counseling would help. I'll be discussing this with him tonight- hopefully he'll be open to trying it asap.
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    Good, I think you definitely need it.

    I'd from now on make sure that your FMIL is not allowed to be alone with you, because you say that she always pulls this crap when she can get you alone.
  • Options
    SKB55SKB55 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:7146c769-cfd4-4db0-8045-9155690226c2">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : Good, I think you definitely need it. I'd from now on make sure that your FMIL is not allowed to be alone with you, because you say that she always pulls this crap when she can get you alone.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Did anyone notice that little "report abuse" button on the left? I want to press it and turn that FMIL in to the knot.</div>
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:db764f2d-2d8b-47ee-8c53-be448af219bd">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : I see OP's next family reunion with the ILs looking a lot like this.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Where do you find this stuff??  Too mfing funny for words! 
  • Options

    Everyone seemed to say what I wanted to say, but here's a digital hug for you since you seem to need all the hugs in the world right now. I'm sorry that you have to endure such difficult in-laws! Hang in there and glad that you're going to talk to your future hubby about getting counseling. I feel that's a good place to start! Best of luck to you both!

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tough-fmil-that-thinks-rules-dont-apply-to-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d499b6be-9430-495a-a41d-1a9347e535cbPost:dafc9c82-eb78-42da-9077-e876ab6e1662">Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tough FMIL that thinks rules don't apply to her : I would like to talk to her, too, but for some reason I need to feel like he's backing me up first. I really need him to say something so we can feel like a team, not just me arguing with them. I definitely need to be more assertive though! As for the rest of the stuff,<strong> I agree- especially the part about it being FINAL. that seems to be a foreign concept to fmil.</strong>
    Posted by MayEleven[/QUOTE]

    Of course it's a foreign concept to her -- nobody has the balls to enforce it with her. Why on earth should she change her behavior when it gets her exactly what she wants?
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards