How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)

KatoNorway

just dreading this aspect of the wedding. we decided to just include those that supported and love us. sadly, this doesn't include my mother. our invite guestlist is 75. we have been together for over 14 years, so its not like they have not had the chance to get to know us. the only weddings that i have truly liked were those that the bride & groom were true to themselves.

morrisonFTW

Do you speak to your mother at all?  IMO if you have any personal contact with her, she should probably be invited.  If you're not on speaking terms in the first place, this is a moot point and she doesn't have to come.

[Deleted User]

If they don't receive an invitation, then they aren't invited. Period.

When they call you up and ask questions, just tell them due to budget or space constraints, you are keeping the guest list small.

jesibel14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-uninvited-relatives-including-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4b1f1dc-17d5-4c57-830d-c5e965a4ced0Post:2940d87b-6b82-4103-b641-6f8d855ebc62">How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>the only weddings that i have truly liked were those that the bride & groom were true to themselves.
</strong>Posted by KatoNorway[/QUOTE]

what do you mean by this?  I'm a little confused what that has to do with your situation.

If you are not on speaking terms with those family members you are close to, then no biggy.  If you are?  I'd elope.

KatoNorway

"the only weddings that i have truly liked were those that the bride & groom were true to themselves."
i meant that they didn't give in to pressure from others.

 i'm really worried about handling the issue with my grandma and other family relatives, too who will be there. i also feel terrible, but i don't want to invite her or someone just out of guilt or some other relative pressuring me.

but it is what it is. i can't let it overshadow the big day.
Thank you for your responses,
Rebecca

KatoNorway

Yes, we are on speaking terms, only because she recently had a health scare. I haven't talked to her for years before that. I have only called her about three times since, but she has been against the idea of us together since the day we met. So far she doesn't know about the event.

It's just that its the day we celebrate our love and committment together right? I can't understand why I should invite her (my mother) in particular because she has been against us from the beginning. And like I said, we have been together for 14 years!

Am I being unreasonable?
Thanks for your reply. Rebecca

baystateapple

Usually the saying goes that if someone doesn't support your marriage, s/he shouldn't be invited.  However, this is your mother.  You say your relationship is tenuous already.  Not inviting her to your wedding will probably ruin what little relationship you already have.  If you're willing to accept those consequences, then don't invite her.  But if you're not comfortable with the idea of her never speaking to you again, and possibly being incredibly hurt, then I would invite her.

morrisonFTW

It's hard to say.. I have an on-again-off-again relationship with my mom, and she did not approve of my first marriage ... but she still went and tried to make the best of it for me.  It was important for me to share that with her because regardless of how much I think she totally sucks most of the time, she's still my mom, and if she were to die the next day, I'd probably regret not sharing a few special words with her at my wedding.  BUT, that's all it was.. a few special words with her, that didn't really have much to do with my wedding. 

I realize the importance of 'staying true to yourself' when it comes to something like this, but at the same time, you're probably going to hurt the feelings of a lot of people you care about by trying to leave her out. 

There are so many other battles to choose when planning a wedding - this is not one I'd take on.

morrisonFTW

And really, if she truly does not approve, she'll decline the invite, but at least you know you put your best foot forward and took 'the high road'.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-uninvited-relatives-including-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4b1f1dc-17d5-4c57-830d-c5e965a4ced0Post:88469225-b6df-436a-8c76-27a76970159f">Re: How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, we are on speaking terms, only because she recently had a health scare. I haven't talked to her for years before that. I have only called her about three times since, but she has been against the idea of us together since the day we met. So far she doesn't know about the event. It's just that its the day we celebrate our love and committment together right? I can't understand why I should invite her (my mother) in particular because she has been against us from the beginning. And like I said, we have been together for 14 years! Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for your reply. Rebecca
Posted by KatoNorway[/QUOTE]

<div>The tricky thing about this type of situation is that your mother will eventually find out when you get married. If the Bride or Groom decide to exclude their parent they are basically taking a very big chance of cutting that parent out of their life. If you are cool with that then definitely move forward in not inviting her, but if you want to stay on good/speaking terms you might want to reconsider. Same situation goes for anyone who your mom might be close to in your family that you are inviting. They might pull the "well, if your mom isn't invited, I'm not coming" bit, in which you either need to call their bluff or once again reconsider inviting your mom. </div><div>
</div><div>As for keeping them away, you just have to trust those you did invite to keep quiet and if she does find out and "crashes" either call security (if available), have another relative escort her out or just ignore her.</div>

KatoNorway

thanks. i feel better. living with the consequences of the decision is certainly something that i need to consider. rebecca

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-uninvited-relatives-including-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4b1f1dc-17d5-4c57-830d-c5e965a4ced0Post:88469225-b6df-436a-8c76-27a76970159f">Re: How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, we are on speaking terms, only because she recently had a health scare. I haven't talked to her for years before that. I have only called her about three times since, but she has been against the idea of us together since the day we met. So far she doesn't know about the event. It's just that its the day we celebrate our love and committment together right? I can't understand why I should invite her (my mother) in particular because she has been against us from the beginning. And like I said, we have been together for 14 years! Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for your reply. Rebecca
Posted by KatoNorway[/QUOTE]

You're risking the end of your relationship with her, I hope you know that.

cara91997

Could you maybe have a frank discussion with your mother? Something along the lines of, "Mom, I know you do not approve of my relatinship, however this is the person that has been there for me for the past 14 years. We are getting married. We hope you can be there to give us your blessing. If you cannot give us your blessing, we understand, however we only wish to be surrounded by people who love and support our union on that day." Or something like that. At least give her the option to suck it up and support your marriage. If she says no she can't, then it's on her but at least you tried.

SirJuliusVonHaast

Good luck with everything!

If you do decide to invite her, make sure to confirm with the officiant that they aren't planning to say that cheesy thing that I'm pretty sure is only said in movie weddings (if anyone blah blah, speak now or forever hold your peace). 

JanoBean75

H did not invite his mother to our wedding. We're not even sure she knows it happened, but his last name is not common, so she could Google him and find our registry if she cared. And she doesn't.

His sister didn't invite their mother to her wedding either, but because their grandmother told the biitch anyway, everyone was on the lookout to make sure she didn't walk into the ceremony or follow to the reception.

As far as that "speak now" line in typical ceremonies, we changed ours to something like "if anyone has any objections....they don't want to hear it." It got a laugh and we followed it up with something about what we want is for everyone's love and support.

StephieBow

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-uninvited-relatives-including-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4b1f1dc-17d5-4c57-830d-c5e965a4ced0Post:43587666-4691-4487-9b11-11a0f8e73bfb">Re: How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks. i feel better. living with the consequences of the decision is certainly something that i need to consider. rebecca
Posted by KatoNorway[/QUOTE]


Not inviting your mom is a huge slap in the face. Regardless of how close you are or if she agrees, not inviting your mom is a huge thing.  Make sure you're okay with the repercussions when she finds out....

pizzanfries4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-uninvited-relatives-including-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4b1f1dc-17d5-4c57-830d-c5e965a4ced0Post:3205b7a8-1d3b-4e2d-9a66-e59b03f85b9e">Re: How to deal with uninvited relatives (including mom!)</a>:
[QUOTE]Could you maybe have a frank discussion with your mother? Something along the lines of, "Mom, I know you do not approve of my relationship, however this is the person that has been there for me for the past 14 years. We are getting married. We hope you can be there to give us your blessing. If you cannot give us your blessing, we understand, however we only wish to be surrounded by people who love and support our union on that day." Or something like that. At least give her the option to suck it up and support your marriage. If she says no she can't, then it's on her but at least you tried.
Posted by cara91997[/QUOTE]

I think Cara has given you great advice here.

KatoNorway

thanks everyone. i'm really glad that i asked for your opinions. i am planning on having that frank discussion that Cara suggested. It’s just strange, because she hasn't been in my life for so long and just recently within this month I have only called her a few times to ask how her health was doing (cancer scare.) so i was the one that threw the olive branch out in the beginning.
this might sound bad, but i'm hoping that she just doesn't want to come. she lives in alaska- i'm in wisconsin. The last time I saw her was at my brother’s wedding over 5 years ago. her financial situation isn’t the best, so maybe she’ll use it as an excuse.
Most of my family can’t understand what her problem is, because they have gotten to know my other half. Because it’s such a small family invite on my side (only immediate family), I’m not concern about family taking sides. My brothers and father (they’re divorced) understand where I’m coming from. My grandparents, who I am close to, are old school and just want everyone to get along so I can see disappointing them if I don’t invite her.
So I will take her feelings into consideration and give her the option of trying to continue to try to heal the past or relieve it.
I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful loving mate that is willing to support my decision in the long run, because it is much of his day as mine.
Thanks again everyone!
Rebecca