Big bridal shower but tiny wedding

jellybirdlover

I'm having a small wedding with only family members in January, but my aunt and future MIL want to throw me a bridal shower and invite all my friends. My friends won't be attending the wedding, but will be attending a big celebration party we are throwing in July 2011.

Inviting people to a bridal shower for a wedding they aren't invited to seems like poor form to me. What do you think? How do I navigate this? My MIL and aunt seem pretty intent on throwing the shower, so maybe we should just do family members and not invite my friends as a compromise?

texagj

I  don't see the problem with it. If you are going to have a celebration party for your marriage and everyone is invited then I don't see why they should be offended. I think they will understand your ceremony being intimate and family only.

That's just me though

emilyinchile

You're right, it's poor form. Only the people invited to the wedding itself should be invited to the bridal shower, so as long as all the family members are going to the wedding you can have the shower with just them and no friends.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-bridal-shower-but-tiny-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4d93b74-2053-43a4-b8fb-b240559d1354Post:c68b734f-b552-44f1-853b-3dbf2a1008d3">Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I  don't see the problem with it. If you are going to have a celebration party for your marriage and everyone is invited then I don't see why they should be offended. I think they will understand your ceremony being intimate and family only. That's just me though :)
Posted by texagj[/QUOTE]

The problem is that some people feel second receptions are gift grabby anyway because you're saying "come party and feel obligated to bring us a gift, but we don't want you to actually witness our marriage." Some people don't mind, and it also can depend on the circumstances. But adding on top of that another party that is purely a gift-giving event and still not inviting people to the wedding itself really does start to smack of gift grabby.

Also, just FYI, in general if you're not sure of the actual etiquette of a situation it's probably best on this board to hold back on giving "your opinion" - your opinion may not be proper etiquette, which is the whole point of the E board.

baystateapple

Yeah, it's not a good idea to invite people to the shower if they're not actually going to witness the ceremony.  I would try to compromise and have the shower with just family and no friends.

texagj

I have a question..is this celebration supposed to be your reception or just a post-wedding party?

texagj

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-bridal-shower-but-tiny-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4d93b74-2053-43a4-b8fb-b240559d1354Post:1958a603-18cc-4cb4-9fb4-7814769d6b88">Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding : The problem is that some people feel second receptions are gift grabby anyway because you're saying "come party and feel obligated to bring us a gift, but we don't want you to actually witness our marriage." Some people don't mind, and it also can depend on the circumstances. But adding on top of that another party that is purely a gift-giving event and still not inviting people to the wedding itself really does start to smack of gift grabby. <strong>Also, just FYI, in general if you're not sure of the actual etiquette of a situation it's probably best on this board to hold back on giving "your opinion" - your opinion may not be proper etiquette, which is the whole point of the E board.</strong>
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Ok fair enough...the reason I said this though is because it sounds to me like what she is doing is an intimate family only ceremony and then having a reception for her firends and family. Which I have heard of before. In which case if it is a reception she is throwing for her firends why can't they come to her bridal shower?

texagj

Wow I butchered so many words there. Sorry.

jellybirdlover

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-bridal-shower-but-tiny-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4d93b74-2053-43a4-b8fb-b240559d1354Post:8566a5e5-2f5c-49c8-ba6c-2642b4b475d6">Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question..is this celebration supposed to be your reception or just a post-wedding party?
Posted by texagj[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure what qualifies as a reception or post wedding party. We're getting married in January at City Hall and then having dinner with our families. In July we are throwing a huge picnic and BBQ in the daytime, followed by an informal evening of drinks and dancing. My friends and family love to BBQ, and my friends love to dance, so we figured we'd celebrate with our friends and extended family in the ways they love best.

Thanks!

mgietler76

I say poor form, the point of a wedding is to witness the actual marriage. I would be offended if I was invited to a shower but not the actual ceremony. I know this is an opinion and I don't care.

squirrly

That's just a party, not a reception.  Nope, no friends at the shower.

texagj

See that's what I thought..I mean you can't invite all your friends to a ceremony at city hall. But Emily is right..i'm not  100% sure about the proper etiquette on this question that was just my personal opinion before

texagj

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-bridal-shower-but-tiny-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4d93b74-2053-43a4-b8fb-b240559d1354Post:75f82900-6ece-4c78-9a5c-659f817d57d6">Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]That's just a party, not a reception.  Nope, no friends at the shower.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

If it were a reception would it be ok then?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_big-bridal-shower-but-tiny-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4d93b74-2053-43a4-b8fb-b240559d1354Post:0add8a31-4572-4e42-b56a-999866b5a601">Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Big bridal shower but tiny wedding : Ok fair enough...the reason I said this though is because it sounds to me like what she is doing is an intimate family only ceremony and then having a reception for her firends and family. Which I have heard of before. In which case if it is a reception she is throwing for her firends why can't they come to her bridal shower?
Posted by texagj[/QUOTE]

Because the reception is not the actual wedding.

Plus, unless you elope, whatever you treat your guests to immediately after your marriage ceremony is your "reception." So like she said, they're taking their families to dinner. Another party would be a second reception, at-home reception, or simply a BBQ/housewarming/house party.

texagj

K. I retract my opinion. No friends at the shower. Sorry

squirrly

If she were having a family only ceremony and then a larger reception that same day, then technically it would be ok.

If it were a destination wedding with an AHR later. . . I really don't think that would be ok UNLESS all the AHR guests were also invited to the DW but decided to only attend the AHR.

jellybirdlover

So just out of curiosity, since the question arose here, what's the difference between a reception and a post wedding celebration? A reception is right after the vows and a post wedding celebration is some time longer after the wedding? Just trying to make sure I get my terminology right!

squirrly

A "post wedding celebration" is just a party after the wedding.  It's not a "thing".  Some people have really small weddings, for a variety of reasons, but want a chance to have a big party later.  So, do it.  But it's not a wedding or reception - it's just a party.  Don't wear your wedding dress, etc. 

emilyinchile

Ask Carly is a little crazy as evidenced by the fact that she says the girl is ENTITLED to a wedding shower. No you aren't. No one is. It's a party some people may choose to throw for you, not a god-given right.

Just remember, The Knot is a business. It is made to encourage people to spend money on things like shower decorations, favors, invitations, games, etc. and wedding gifts.