NER: I'm falling apart.

TKzilla

I went to see my mom today and she very bluntly informed me that my grandmother is getting sicker and sicker, and she is afraid she is dying. It's at the point where my parents were planning to visit this weekend (we're in VA, they're in NJ) and grandma said she wanted them to come because "it may be the last time".

So as I'm taking all this in and trying not to cry with a room full of children watching my every move, she says "So we need to try to get the rest of the wedding stuff done so we won't have to worry about it if there's a... tragedy."

I'm just... I don't know. Baffled. I want to go sit in a corner and cry for a really long time and my mother, who is concerned her mother is dying, it like "let's get this wedding planned before we have to plan a funeral". I don't know what to make of this. I just wanted to whine to someone. I'm at work right now so I can't really... deal with it. I already warned FI to be prepared for a fountain of tears tonight.

daveANDkristen

I've got nothin but hugs, Court.  I'm sorry about your grandma. 

s-aries8990

Hugs Court, this is never a fun thing to think about.

kaos16

That's awful.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Maybe you should give yourself and your mom a day to process what is going on before making or speeding up any wedding plans.  Once you have had a day or two maybe you can sit down and make a game plan.

Again, I'm sorry and will send T&P for your grandma

misshart00

Big cyber hugs. I don't know if this will help but H lost the grandmother that raised him the week before our wedding. Everything turned out okay.

harper0813

I'm so sorry to hear this! What saddening news for you and your family. I agree with Kaos that you don't need to make any snap wedding decisions right now - give yourself time to process this and call your grandma and calm down. It's understandable and normal to feel overwhelmed by an event like this.

Assuming you won't be planning the funeral, if you do lose your grandma soon, there shouldn't be anything deterring you from making your wedding plans on the original timeline. If your mom was going to be heavily involved in planning/organizing/crafting, give her some leeway to do what she needs to do with her mother. Have fiance help you out and maybe give yourself more of a head start that you anticipated.

I hope you and your family find joy in your upcoming wedding to help with the hurt of potentially losing your grandma.

AddieCake

Sorry to hear it. I just lost my Grandfather a few weeks ago. Big hugs. 

reppunzel

I'm so sorry!  Thoughts and prayers to you and your family!  Even if you can't do it now, do be sure to give yourself the time to sit in the corner (or your FI's arms or under the covers) and have that cry ... and as many as you need.    Cyber-hugs.

Amyzen83

I'm sorry to hear that! *Hugs* I think you should continue at your current pace for wedding planning, speeding it up will only add stress to the situation, if anything, I think you should slow down, take things as they happen and see if you can just take a day off to just process what is going on. I believe if funeral preparations need to be made, there are always ways to move things around in order to allow the time.

In otherwords, take as much time as you need for everything, including grieving. Nobody but you can determine what can sped up or reprioritized. I think your mom's email was more a reaction than anything, most likely coming from her own grief and stress, don't let her emotions influence your own emotions and decisions.

wittykitty14

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  We lost my pepere not long ago, in the midst of the wedding planning.  It saddens me so much to know that he won't be there for it.  Lots of cyber hugs to you and your family.  Don't worry about speeding up your wedding plans, just keep with your current pace.  Your mom probably suggested it because it's her way of dealing with the situation.  I would take her suggestion in stride.  Prayers are coming your way! 

MuppetOverlord

So sorry! Hugs to you.

Try not to be hurt by her words, I don't think she's thinking clearly. I agree with taking a wedding break for a few days. It's got to be tough thinking about a wedding when her mom is so sick. She might just be trying to make sure there's time to wrap up the details with you and be saying it with loving intent.

My thoughts are with you.

ciligirl

Oh Court.  I am so sorry.  I just lost my dad last month.  He was older and not in great health but had been doing ok so it was kind of sudden.  So, I can see both sides- yours and the stress of planning the wedding and your moms and her fear of losing a parent.  And I agree with PP's, when you are going through it, things you say or are trying to say don't always come out like you mean.  Hang in there and give your mom and yourself a big hug. 

rachelm13

Big Hugs!  so sorry this is happening!!!  t & p for your family.

TKzilla

Thanks guys. I think for a moment I felt like she was saying we needed to plan the wedding ASAP because SHE didn't want to have to deal with it, but in hindsight I think she knows I won't be capable (and neither will she) of getting this stuff done if something happens. My mom just lost her brother a little over a year ago in a sudden accident, so we're still dealing with that grief. He was mentally and physically handicapped and the driver of the bus that took him from his home to his "job" didn't properly lock in his wheel chair. He broke his femur (which apparently no one knew about... BS), was hospitalized, contracted pneumonia in the rehab center and suddenly died. I think Grandma's been going downhill ever since, and who can blame her? 

I didn't take any time off from work when my uncle died because I thought the best thing for me to do was stay busy. I've already decided that won't work again, so I have to tell my boss to have some kind of backup plan in place (I'm a nanny, she's Navy, her H is deployed). Tonight I will go home and snuggle my puppy, then when FI comes home I will do a lot of crying and probably ruin one of his work shirt's with snot. And then it'll be back to business until something happens, which could be tomorrow or next year or five years from now.

My grandparents weren't going to be able to attend the wedding anyway because they don't travel, but my mom hired a videographer solely for the purpose of sending them the DVD and I had already planned to send her a bouquet of flowers on the wedding day with a "wish you were here to celebrate with us" kind of note.

arrippa

I am so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Wife Kitty

I'm so sorry to read about both your grandmother's illness and the loss of your uncle. Sending good thoughts your way during what sounds like a really difficult time.

winelover123

So sorry. Cyber hugs. Puppy cuddles are always comforting.

peekaboo2011

I'm so sorry Court.  Lots of hugs for you

cbrown828

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-im-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4f4ae5b-95e1-48f1-a8ab-742e388f252fPost:a5b40efe-17d5-424e-96bc-9cf8d2876caa">Re: NER: I'm falling apart.</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you take the rest of the day off to cry, or at least a cry break, and then regroup? I'm sorry about your grandma.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]


I absolutely agree with this. Give yourself time to just feel and be sad, and don't try to think about the wedding stuff during that time. Maybe your mom feels overwhelmed and her instinct is to try and get everything done so she can deal with (or avoid) those same feelings? I do grief counseling as part of my job, and the best piece of advice I can give you right now is to remember that whatever you are feeling is ok, and that people do weird things when they are grieving. Don't be too hard on yourself right now. The wedding will get taken care of. Take care of yourself and your family first.

I am so sorry you are going through this and hurting so badly. Hugs.

Angelface225

Thoughts and prayers for you and your mom!

Salsera29

I'm so sorry you are going through this :-( 

TKzilla

Tagalongs, puppy cuddles and this thread helped me out last night. Xanax may have also played a role...

blferguson1s

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-im-falling-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4f4ae5b-95e1-48f1-a8ab-742e388f252fPost:f3c3fee0-0464-4df0-85dd-d26607c0807a">Re: NER: I'm falling apart.</a>:
[QUOTE]I had already planned to send her a bouquet of flowers on the wedding day with a "wish you were here to celebrate with us" kind of note.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

I just wanted to let you know that this is one of the sweetest things I've seen in a very long time. I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I hope for the best for you and your family.

MuppetOverlord

I'm glad you were able to think a bit. Sometimes Time puts things into perspective, especially fi emotion is involved.....in this case, there's a lot of emotion. Your family has had many drastic things to deal with this year that are sad. I'm so sorry for all of this.

 I think it might make sense to put some of those details together now before it gets more stressful...perhaps they're details you'll even be able to share with gramma verbally too.  And if something does happen, you won't be struggling more or feeling negative about those details.

It is nice that there is very happy day in the form of your wedding coming for your family to look forward to. It sounds like it will be much needed.

My thoughts are with you!

TKzilla

The update for now is: grandma has sort of stabilized. She has COPD and the weather really affects her, and today was a much better day. That being said, my parents are still going this weekend and my aunt has cancelled her travel plans and left today to go "help out". FI has been extraordinarily helpful with getting invitations addressed and snuggling and offering whiskey (ha). I'm hoping to be able to bake something yummy to send with my parents, but at the very least, I'm sending my mother with a photo of me in my wedding dress from my first fitting. I've decided to look at it as "keeping her involved from far away" and not as "making sure she sees it in case she's not around later". I've also decided on naps. Lots of naps.

So in short, things are looking up short - term, but according to her doctors, it's sort of the beginning of the end.