Help my friend fix her gap

jamjar11

I know there are other posts out there about this, but I got really tired of looking for them. 

My friend just got engaged. She is Catholic and her FI is Greek Orthodox. They're families are paying for the whole wedding (I would say half and half probably). I warned her that it seems easier now, but just wait until they realize they have the final say in everything. So... here is what happened...

They decided to get married in FI's church, since his family is SUPER devout and he has been going there since childhood. They called the church, confirmed the date they wanted was open, and then looked for a reception venue. They ended up choosing one of the most expensive and coveted venues in town, but it was mostly because both moms were so in love with it they said "this is it we don't care what it costs". So they signed the contract with the venue and all was going well.

Then they went to meet with the priest and discuss some questions they had about restrictions and traditions. And suddenly he refused to marry them because he had found out through another family member that they has been living together for 3 years. He told them they were living in sin and they could not get married there. They were upset, but they decided instead they would get married at the bride's Catholic church. When they called to check on the date, the church said they only have one wedding booked for next November, and it was on their date. So if they wanted to get married on their chosen date, it would have to be at 10:00 am. Which would mean the ceremony would be at 10, and the reception at 5pm. Huge gap. If they were to hire a preist to have a ceremony at their recpetion venue, it would add $2000 to the total cost (plus staffing and taxes I'm sure).

My suggestions were to either change the date (they said no way Jose) or to have a lunch reception. When the bride raised the lunch reception question, both families freaked out on her, saying they aren't shelling out huge amounts of money for a grand ballroom reception for a lunch. So she is a little stuck. What is your advice?

Is there any way to get around the gap thing and not piss people off? What if she provided some sort of entertainment between the events for out of towners? They don't have a lot of extra money in the budget after the essentials because of the cost of the great reception, and I'm not sure how many out of towners she will have, but any advice or ideas that I can pass along to her would be fabulous!

Thanks ladies!

ootmother2

I think she really needs to find another venue.  The parents are right about blowing big bucks on a wedding at that hour

Simply Fated

I am dying to know what the mothers think the guests are going to do for that gap.  It kills me how apathetic people can be that they forget their guests don't exactly have limos to drive them around and photos to take up time and stuff like they do.

Ash2985

Couldn't they come up with the $2K on their own, and have the ceremony at the venue?  If the parents are paying for everything else, it seems like they could contribute that portion.  

Themis278

If she doesn't have many OOT guests I don't see it as an issues, get up go to the ceremony in one outfit, go do errands run home change into the formal affair for the party. I've gone to a few of these. Works out well actually because you don't get stuck somewhere with too little time to do anything and too much to just sit around

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:e71dd5f6-e367-4b7f-a8fd-a8d3f114d501">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]Couldn't they come up with the $2K on their own, and have the ceremony at the venue?  If the parents are paying for everything else, it seems like they could contribute that portion.  
Posted by Ash2985[/QUOTE]

I highly doubt it.  I'm guessing $2k is the venue's fee to also host the ceremony.  A Catholic priest will not perform a marriage outside of a house of worship. I'm guessing Greek Orthodox would not peform a ceremony at the venue either.

tenofcups4me

I  know I'm in the minority on this board, but I don't actually see a problem with a 10am ceremony and a 5pm reception as long as most guests live relatively nearby or are staying in hotels nearby, so there's not a huge amount of travel back and forth. To me, that's two events -- you attend the ceremony, go do whatever you want and come back several hours later for the party. I'm fine with that -- it's the 1- or 2-hour gap that makes no sense to me since it's not enough time to do anything but too much time to kill.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:1073a397-6bd5-4b0e-b7f7-a3dedccd39d0">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]I  know I'm in the minority on this board, but I don't actually see a problem with a 10am ceremony and a 5pm reception as long as most guests live relatively nearby or are staying in hotels nearby, so there's not a huge amount of travel back and forth. To me, that's two events -- you attend the ceremony, go do whatever you want and come back several hours later for the party. I'm fine with that -- it's the 1- or 2-hour gap that makes no sense to me since it's not enough time to do anything but too much time to kill.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

True.

I would go with this if the area had something to do that most guests would enjoy.
Me?  I could shop endlessly for hours on end so that's not a problem ;)

gmeissne

Easy peasy....get someone ordained online. We spoke to officiants about the cost and were like NO WAY! So my FI's best friend got ordained. It cost us nothing, and its really special because he is the one who introduced us. Have a close family member, or a close friend, or even a stranger marry them. Just check the rules in your state, since each state is different. they may have to register with the county clerks office. Here in Florida, all you have to do is get the license, thats it!

If the venue is charging extra, have the ceremony at a nearby park, or something like that. Public spaces are pretty cheap. Is there a pretty gazebo or something?

Beachy730

Totally off-topic, and I didn't even read the post because I came in after seeing the OP's name.

OP- did you get your name from the wine Jam Jar?  I was just recommended that wine a few weeks ago at my wine shop and its definitely my new favorite.

Beachy730

Ok now I read the post.  Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with that gap because in my hometown (same as themis) gaps are very common.  That is a long gap though, and many people aren't at all used to them, and many people are also very offended by them if its not what they are accustomed to.

Honestly, if they are so set on the reception and date, I think your friends should come up with the $2k to have the ceremony at the reception.  But I'm curious as to what that cost is for, and if the priest has agreed to it.  It was my understanding that a priest could only perform a ceremony inside of a church, but a deacon could perform one outside of it.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:4f5e629c-dfc5-4620-a736-abadce0e82aa">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]temporary hijack DN: I love your siggy!  Is that a frenchy? hijack over
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Thanks!  Nope its a boston terrier.  And I'm pretty sure I've told you about my dog before (without a picture though) because his name is Stewie and your sig pic makes me think of him.

andy71781

meh - I just got back from a bat mitvah with a gap like this.  H and I got up for services and then went back to the hotel.  Changed...laid around....watched football....took naps......and then went to the party.

I too had a gap - kind of a big one (2 hours).  I knew where most of my guests were during that time and had organized little side parties.  if people are coming in from oot chances are as long as they have somewhere to hang out (like a hotel) or to hang with (like family/friends at a bar etc) its not the worst thing in the world.

jamjar11

I should also add that many or most out of town guests would probably be staying at the reception venue, which is a huge resort with a golf course, spa, pool, outdoor lazy river and water slide, and several restaurants. There is also a couple of museums about 20 minutes away, and its about 20 minutes away from our popular downtown areas.

Beachy730

Yeah we had a 2 hour gap at ours.  Some of our friends went to a bar in between, and lot just went home or to the hotel.  My friend who got married in August only had about half an hour from when her ceremony ended and cocktail hour began and I hated it.  We had to go check into the hotel (we are safe alchys at least who don't drive home after), change, have a few drinks, and then drive there.  We got there at last call of cocktail hour.  I know its definitely an unpopular opinion, but I love having a gap.

leah2b

What is included in the $2000? That seems very steep, even by NYC standards.  I've seen 1000 to 1500 .  I have to imagine this would include everything.  We held our ceremony at our venue - it was $1000 and a service charge was not applied to it, though we paid a 24% service charge for the reception. In any event, If parents are paying for the reception, would it kill them to get this cash together to have this done? 

 As an alternative, Could they find another catholic church?  Is it being in a "cahtolic" Church a non-negotiable requirement?

Having such a large gap would be a bit annoying as a guest.  I would hate to see her change the date and if she already signed a contract, she may be locked in to the date/time already.  Maybe she should also look into getting married in a non-denominational chruch and expand her options.

mrabbito

I had this same question and my gap wasn't even that long and the 'knoties' were
k(not)tie-impressed!  they ate me alive saying i should change everything b/c this is sooooo inconsiderate to the guests.  but i think it will be fine.  personally i've never been to a 10am wedding, but every wedding i've been to has a 2-4 hour gap.  the local people will have things to do and the OOT guests will have a hotel room already anyway so they'll have somewhere to go too.  one suggestion was to give the OOT guests a map of sights to see in the area. in my case my parents will be hosting a wine and cheese at their house so guests can snack and socilize.  guests will find ways to fill the time with naps, shopping, hanging out, getting ready for the reception....
my concern with a 10am wedding is what time would hair and make up have to start!! 

jamjar11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:3f17359c-dea2-4ba3-99b5-667ba72d6c20">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]Totally off-topic, and I didn't even read the post because I came in after seeing the OP's name. OP- did you get your name from the wine Jam Jar?  I was just recommended that wine a few weeks ago at my wine shop and its definitely my new favorite.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>Haha no... my initials are JAM and after I'm married they will be JAR, which is kind of funny and I love it. I am totally going to have to seek out the Jam Jar wine you speak of!!! That's awesome!! </div>

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:66a2e09a-756a-431d-857b-a36ce064726c">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help my friend fix her gap : Haha no... my initials are JAM and after I'm married they will be JAR, which is kind of funny and I love it. I am totally going to have to seek out the Jam Jar wine you speak of!!! That's awesome!! 
Posted by jamjar11[/QUOTE]

Haha thats too funny.  I am quite impressed with the name regardless.  Its a sweet shiraz, so I don't know if you like sweet wine, but I think its delicious.

jamjar11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:a145f851-7279-40ae-918b-ae1b4af3d99c">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help my friend fix her gap : Haha thats too funny.  I am quite impressed with the name regardless.  Its a sweet shiraz, so I don't know if you like sweet wine, but I think its delicious.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I do indeed love sweet wine. Well, all wine really.</div>

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:61e0dbc6-daef-43ed-9a58-a344fdb118bf">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]I should also add that many or most out of town guests would probably be staying at the reception venue, which is a huge resort with a golf course, spa, pool, outdoor lazy river and water slide, and several restaurants. There is also a couple of museums about 20 minutes away, and its about 20 minutes away from our popular downtown areas.
Posted by jamjar11[/QUOTE]


I'm there!

send invite to ootmother@yahoo.com

Beachy730

Jcb- thanks!  I'll send my love to him for you.

Jamjar- You should definitely look for it then.  Its a South African wine that I have only found in wine stores that have a big selection.  They don't sell it at Target or anywhere like that, at least not that I've found yet.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:e71dd5f6-e367-4b7f-a8fd-a8d3f114d501">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]Couldn't they come up with the $2K on their own, and have the ceremony at the venue?  If the parents are paying for everything else, it seems like they could contribute that portion.  
Posted by Ash2985[/QUOTE]

<div>This. Since their parents seem to be shelling out the big bucks here, I'd tell her to scrape together some money for the priest and do it at their venue. OR just hire another officiant (significantly cheaper) and have their marriage blessed by whatever church they plan to worship at. OR get another ceremony venue (mine was way cheaper than $2k). </div><div>
</div><div>Personally, if I were the bride, I wouldn't want that kind of gap. I mean, it will be 6 hours. You'll have to eat something in your dress, start getting ready at about 8am, stay in that thing until almost midnight. Her hair will be falling out by the time the reception rolls around and it's not like you can take a nap in between. Just no.</div>

jamjar11

So... in response to a couple of suggestions... 

So to be honest, my initial reaction was to tell them to try to raise the $2K themselves, but I kept my mouth shut because I know its not really an option for them. They both work part time and she is a senior in college and he is a page at a library. They are definitely paycheck to paycheck. If I had brought this up, it probably would have spawned a whole lecture about not getting married until they are able to take on more of their own financial burden, but I didn't feel like it was my place to say that to her. We aren't exactly BFF's, though we have known each other for years. I think that some people are at a slight disadvantage when the parents swoop in with the checkbook at the first glance of a ring, because they don't have the opportunity to consider "Oh, I'm an adult, I should pay for my own party." It becomes like, "Gasp! Pay for it myself? How dare you!" I've seen it happen a million times. Okay maybe 2 or 3. 

I've tried to slip in low-budget suggestions, but the moms really seem to have their own vision and don't want to waver. So far be it from me to jump in and say, "Hold on a minute... wtf?" But she did ask my advice, so here I am lol.

I tried to suggest an interfaith minister to marry them at their venue, because we are hiring one for only $150. But I don't think the moms would be too happy with that.

I tried to warn her, man. Sheesh.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:421bb9ea-e857-4075-bc5c-a13a07da35a3">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE]So... in response to a couple of suggestions...  So to be honest, my initial reaction was to tell them to try to raise the $2K themselves, but I kept my mouth shut because I know its not really an option for them. They both work part time and she is a senior in college and he is a page at a library. They are definitely paycheck to paycheck. If I had brought this up, it probably would have spawned a whole lecture about not getting married until they are able to take on more of their own financial burden, but I didn't feel like it was my place to say that to her. We aren't exactly BFF's, though we have known each other for years. <strong>I think that some people are at a slight disadvantage when the parents swoop in with the checkbook at the first glance of a ring, because they don't have the opportunity to consider "Oh, I'm an adult, I should pay for my own party." It becomes like, "Gasp! Pay for it myself? How dare you!"</strong> I've seen it happen a million times. Okay maybe 2 or 3.  I've tried to slip in low-budget suggestions, but the moms really seem to have their own vision and don't want to waver. So far be it from me to jump in and say, "Hold on a minute... wtf?" But she did ask my advice, so here I am lol. I tried to suggest an interfaith minister to marry them at their venue, because we are hiring one for only $150. But I don't think the moms would be too happy with that. I tried to warn her, man. Sheesh.
Posted by jamjar11[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ugh, how annoying. Way to plan ahead before getting engaged.

</div>

jamjar11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-fix-her-gap?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d587bd27-ffae-41ac-925e-76a6bea56ed1Post:af9f4026-d260-43cc-82ec-1e3faff8288d">Re: Help my friend fix her gap</a>:
[QUOTE] Jamjar- You should definitely look for it then.  Its a South African wine that I have only found in wine stores that have a big selection.  They don't sell it at Target or anywhere like that, at least not that I've found yet.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>BevMo or Total Wine maybe? I'll look for it on my next weekly trip lol.</div>

sister2groom

Also, they may want to double check that her priest is OK with the fact that they've lived together, it would really suck to change the date for no reason.

Kristin789

Many of the previous posters suggested ways to focus on the reception.

If they want to focus on the ceremony instead, then take the 10:00 a.m. ceremony time because that's the most important thing to them (if the bride's priest will marry them even if he knows of their living situation.

And about this:
>> they aren't shelling out huge amounts of money for a grand ballroom reception for a lunch.

Well, we were married in the morning and had a lunch reception, and it wasn't "huge amounts of money at all.  The venue was super inexpensive during the daytime hours, and the meal - which was salad, main course with two sides, wedding cake cut and served for free in place of the regular dessert that would go with the meal, coffee/tea  - cost only $16/per person inclusive.  It was a very INexpensive reception, and I thought it was very nice to have the ceremony, then a reception, then still have time to drive to the first night location and spend the evening just the two of us, getting something to eat, watching the sunset, etc.

lisalou402

I like a gap too.

It's just what I know from Catholic weddings here in NY.  A good friend had a large gap...maybe 5 hours? her parents hosted about 30 people at their home during that time.

doctabroccoli

Yep, I'm ready for my public E-lynching.  My ceremony is at noon and my reception cocktail hour starts at 6.  That's the way the Catholic cookie crumbles........

I've been to a lot of weddings in my day (25 or so), and all but one have had gaps......  People, especially Catholics, expect them. 

emilyinchile

I've never been to a wedding with a gap, and I would think this was REALLY weird. I mean, I could understand stooging around for an hour, but having essentially two separate events just doesn't make sense to me. Catholic weddings in Chile can be at night (it's weird to me that US ones can't), so there are no gaps here, and I've never been to a Catholic wedding in the US.

That said, it doesn't seem like your friend actually wants to fix this. They have options: figure out a way to make $2k (I mean seriously, babysit and go to psych studies posted on Craigslist and other random crap like that for a year, and you could do it); change the date; change the venue. Then go to their parents and say "here's the change we propose because we cannot in good conscience do this to our guests," and if the parents flip out about it and insist that it must be on this day, at this venue, explain that they need to all look at the budget together to find $2,000 to cover the ceremony cost. If the wedding's not for a year, they have time to cut the guest list, and if it's such an expensive venue I'm guessing the per person cost is high enough they wouldn't have to cut many people to get the extra money.