Joint Shower Etiquette Problems

amalama

My FI's cousin got married sometime last year (I think it was about 6 months ago but I honestly can't remember the date). They got married quickly and had a courthouse wedding and only invited a few people (I know my FI's mom went but I don't think the OOT aunts and uncles were invited). The extended family was definitely not invited.

Now my FMIL wants to throw us a joint party. She said like a bridal shower and a "welcome to the family" party for the cousin's wife. We told her we weren't comfortable inviting anyone that we aren't inviting to our wedding, and she said that was fine. But I am kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing. It basically seems like an after wedding shower for his cousin's wife, with almost all people that were not invited to the wedding. But I feel kind of rude saying I don't want this to also be my shower, since the etiquette problems wouldn't be on my side of it. WWYD?

ZiggyZos

It is rude for your future cousin-in-law to accept a bridal shower when she is already married. Personally, I would decline altogether if it were me and this was the only option being presented if for no other reason than I wouldn't want to be associated with that kind of sense of entitlement.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_joint-shower-etiquette-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d5ec9f42-d76c-4b52-8d23-ba3770910d5ePost:06b758f4-601d-454a-b2b5-f45cd11f3866">Joint Shower Etiquette Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI's cousin got married sometime last year (I think it was about 6 months ago but I honestly can't remember the date). They got married quickly and had a courthouse wedding and only invited a few people (I know my FI's mom went but I don't think the OOT aunts and uncles were invited). The extended family was definitely not invited. Now my FMIL wants to throw us a joint party. She said like a bridal shower and a "welcome to the family" party for the cousin's wife. We told her we weren't comfortable inviting anyone that we aren't inviting to our wedding, and she said that was fine. But I am kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing. <strong>It basically seems like an after wedding shower for his cousin's wife</strong>, with almost all people that were not invited to the wedding. But I feel kind of rude saying I don't want this to also be my shower, since the etiquette problems wouldn't be on my side of it. <strong>WWYD?</strong>
Posted by amalama[/QUOTE]

That is highly inappropriate. 

I would be totally honest with FMIL.  Tell her you are not comfortable having a joint shower.  If she insists, I would decline the shower.

Sierra524

Why is she even having a shower when she is already married? Will she be registering and such as well? I dont blame you for not wanting a joint shower. I would just politely decline.

amalama

I am honestly not even sure if the idea has been discussed with the cousin's wife yet. I think it might be because the aunts (and FI's mom) who would be throwing the shower will feel bad having one for me since they did not have one for her. I think I will just decline, I just didn't want to look like a jerk telling them not to do something nice for the cousin (or have them think I just didn't want to share a shower).

BubblyBride75

I would talk to FMIL a little more about what she had in mind with the whole "welcome to the family" part. I have no idea what the situation is with your FI's cousin, but if your FMIL is really interested in a "meet the family" party as opposed to a post-wedding shower maybe you could suggest doing the events separately so that cousin's wife feels more "special" and offer to help her plan or something. Or tell her that the combination makes you feel uncomfortable and if she would like to throw a joint party you would be more comfortable with a joint "welcome to the family" party as opposed to a shower. Declining is definitely the best route if FMIL insists on her original plan.

MuppetOverlord

I think it's okay to talk to your FMIL about it. You're about to become her family. I hope you are able to be open with your relationship. If she insists (and cousins wife rudely accepts), then i would decline it. Maybe your bridesmaids will pick it up for a different date