Am I wrong to be annoyed?

jsarver14

So, I get a text message from my mom early this afternoon:

"Grandma's friend, XYZ, would like to be sent an invitation to the wedding if there is an extra one. She is not coming, but wanted it as an announcement (I think)."

This totally rubbed me the wrong way. She 1. Asked for an invitation and 2. Has stated she doesn't plan to come. I informed my mom that this is incredibly rude and would prefer to not fulfill this request. My mom told me I'm "over reacting" and that it's "not as big of a deal" as I'm making it out to be.

Is this rude or is it just me?

Maggie0829

Why does this friend want an invitation so badly?

I wouldn't send one because I just think it is weird.  If she wants to see what your invitation looks like so badly I am sure your Grandmother can show her the one you sent her.

LeiselEB

I wouldn't send one. An invitation is an invitation, regardless of whether or not she intends to come. If you don't want her at the wedding, there's no reason to send the invite.

Maybe if she really just wants it as a keepsake you could send the invitation after the wedding? 

Mrs.B6302007

I would be annoyed, too.  Just tell her you have none to spare.

aragx6

I'd just tell her you're all out!

I get why you're annoyed, but I do think you're overreacting a bit anyway.

Mrs.B6302007

Do you even know Gma's friend because if not, that's kind of weird for her to want one.

smartlypretty

That's odd. Can you mail her an annoucement the day you are married? If she wants a keepsake, this should suffice and you can just print one on your home printer. 

jsarver14

I'm not "mortally offended". It just rubs me the wrong way. I have met this particular friend of my grandmother a handful of times (three to four at the most). The last time I saw her is prob. around 10-15 years ago. My mom stated it was more than likely because she wants to send a gift, which is a pretty hefty assumption. I told my mom if that was the case, she is in contact with my dad (this is is mother) and that he is free to provide her with our address.

I guess I just don't understand how one feels it's appropriate to invite themselves to anything, including a wedding. We've already had a few instances of my parents friends doing this. I just don't get it.

ILoveToRobot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6a454d9-536b-4d9c-b03d-974a657ef587Post:ea4679f1-80bf-4cc5-8e91-186424798451">Re: Am I wrong to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not "mortally offended". It just rubs me the wrong way. I have met this particular friend of my grandmother a handful of times (three to four at the most). The last time I saw her is prob. around 10-15 years ago. My mom stated it was more than likely because she wants to send a gift, which is a pretty hefty assumption. I told my mom if that was the case, she is in contact with my dad (this is is mother) and that he is free to provide her with our address. <strong>I guess I just don't understand how one feels it's appropriate to invite themselves to anything, including a wedding.</strong> We've already had a few instances of my parents friends doing this. I just don't get it.
Posted by jsarver14[/QUOTE]

Hold on to your britches because you're probably going to be in for more of this type of situation until after the wedding. It's surprising what people find appropriate when it comes to weddings...

jessicabessica

You are overreacting.  Some sweet little old lady (making assumptions here) asked for an invitation to your wedding so she could see it.  I would have said something like, "I think we just want to keep the invitations for invited guests, but XYZ can look at Grandma's invitation, and I'll be sure Grandma gets some photos to share with her friends after the wedding."  See how that doesn't say anything mean about sweet little old lady?

abbitha7

We had something similar to this happen. H's grandma has a friend who had known H since he was little due to him visiting his grandma every year. She wanted one just to have on her fridge, and because she wanted to send us something as a congratulations. It wasn't really a big deal, honestly. She's probably just a sweet old lady who has seen you grow up (either through pictures or through being around when you saw your grandma), so why not just send one?

zantster

The key phrase in the text message from your  mom was "if there is an extra one."  But since it's too late to tell your mom that you don't have any "extras" without her giving you that look like suuuuure you don't, then I suggest you invoke the technicality.  In other words, she said she wanted an invitation.  But she didn't say when right?  So tell your mom you'll see what you have and get around to it when you get a moment.  Then send her one after the wedding.  That way there's no surprise pop-up from her where she's smiling like a cheshire cat and claiming she changed her mind and decided to come.  And your mom can't be mad about the timing since her text said that the womand did not want to go.  Good luck!

jsarver14

Let me rephrase my original statement. My mom has made the assumption this person will not attend as she lives very out of state. This person has not personally said they will not be attending.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6a454d9-536b-4d9c-b03d-974a657ef587Post:5457379b-7a57-4b6f-b5bc-22c753d52663">Re:Am I wrong to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me rephrase my original statement. My mom has made the assumption this person will not attend as she lives very out of state. This person has not personally said they will not be attending.
Posted by jsarver14[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter how you phrase it.  Was she rude?  Sure.  Did you need to tell your mom that you found this request incredibly rude?  No.  See my prior post for a wording suggestion. 

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6a454d9-536b-4d9c-b03d-974a657ef587Post:5457379b-7a57-4b6f-b5bc-22c753d52663">Re:Am I wrong to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me rephrase my original statement. My mom has made the assumption this person will not attend as she lives very out of state. This person has not personally said they will not be attending.
Posted by jsarver14[/QUOTE]

Ok.  I see.  But it seems that your mom does not expect you to actually enlarge your guest list for this lady, otherwise I can't see why she would even assume that she won't come.  But the only way you'll know for sure is if you tell your mom that you'll get around to it when you have time and if she insists on you sending it at the same time as the others then it will be obvious that she wants her to have the <em>option</em> to come whether she follows through or not.  And if that is the case then there's nothing wrong with telling your mom that each person on your guest list is being invited based on their significance in the lives of you and your FI and unfortunately while she is a very nice woman she doesn't fall in that category of being essential to being a part of your day but you would be happy to send what you have when you have a moment (in other words afterwards).  

zantster

But the danger in that approach however well intentioned is that once an invite is sent there is no retracting it. The invitee retains the option to come regardless of what they or the grandmother or the mother may say. So if she doesn't want them there sending it after is the only guaranteed option.

ILoveDanimal8182012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6a454d9-536b-4d9c-b03d-974a657ef587Post:134badc0-4c0a-41ff-8772-c5e81bc2f87b">Am I wrong to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I get a text message from my mom early this afternoon: "Grandma's friend, XYZ, would like to be sent an invitation to the wedding if there is an extra one. She is not coming, but wanted it as an announcement (I think)." This totally rubbed me the wrong way. She 1. Asked for an invitation and 2. Has stated she doesn't plan to come. I informed my mom that this is incredibly rude and would prefer to not fulfill this request. My mom told me I'm "over reacting" and that it's "not as big of a deal" as I'm making it out to be. Is this rude or is it just me?
Posted by jsarver14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You are not wrong to be annoyed.  If she wants the invite as an announcement, send the woman a newspaper clipping of your announcement, or a printout of your wedding website, since i would gather that Grandma's friend does not have a computer.

</div>

jsarver14

I don't want to be told I'm right, nor do I expect everyone to agree with me. It was a simple question that I figured would be appropriate for this message board. I appreciate all the input and will discuss it with my mom. My grandmother has Multiple Sclerosis, so she does not live on her own. She has not seen this particular friend for quite some time. Having my grandmother show her the invite is not an option. I have no issue sending the invite. I just think its a weird and kind of rude request. My grandmother's friends are known for just showing up, so it honestly wouldn't surprise me if she were to decide she was coming to the wedding. Again, I appreciate all the advice.

jsarver14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-wrong-to-be-annoyed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6a454d9-536b-4d9c-b03d-974a657ef587Post:aabd2479-71b0-46d5-8e6a-8057bd453cc8">Re:Am I wrong to be annoyed?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Am I wrong to be annoyed?: Well, obviously you DO have an issue sending the invite or else you wouldn't have refused to do it and told your mom how awful you thought it was.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I posted this to see if what I was feeling was justified. I was slightly fired up after getting the text from my mom as this has been an on going issue with our wedding (i.e. parent's friends inviting themselves). After hearing the opinions from the wonderful ladies on this board, I see both sides. Also, nowhere in my original post did I say I "refused" to send an invitation out. I just said that I would prefer not to. I also didn't tell my mom "how awful" I thought it was. I just told her (as I have many times before) that it's rude for one to request an invitation. So, please do not put words in my mouth.

I asked for opinions and I got them. I'm appreciative of it and plan to discuss everything with my mom now that I've had a chance to put the idea past other people. I guess I fail to see what your continuing issue is what this and why you keep making it seems as I'm absolutely appalled by the advice/opinions people have been providing.

zantster

One more thing jsarver, and this is not really along the lines of advice but moreso food for thought...It popped in my head that many times if a person is much older they often times don't mean to be rude but they crave social situations like weddings or basically any opportunity to interact with people if they have been alone for a while.  It helps their morale to feel included and valued even if the actual connection is really quite weak such as in your situation.  So if you can afford another mouth you might consider inviting her not out of obligation but just as an act of kindness.  But don't feel pressured to do it.  It's just another option.  Do what you think is right and just go with your gut.

jsarver14

I just texted my mom to ask her if it would be ok for me to mail her the invite after the wedding since what she wants it for is an announcement. I told my mom if she would prefer I mail it out with the rest, I'm going to add her to the guest list in case she does decide to come. Thank you ladies for all your opinions. They were greatly appreciated.