unsupportive friend

nkelliher

so there's this friend of my fiances who hasn't liked me from the beginning of our relationship almost 3 years ago, he's been consistently rude to me, said horrible things about me, called me fat, the list just goes on and on. I did nothing to provoke this but obviously now he knows the hatred is mutual. naturally when he found out we were engaged he had all sorts of mean jokes and nasty things to say about us to our friends. the problem is he assumes he'll be invited to the wedding!! FI sees no problem in inviting him because they've been friends for so long.. now am I just crazy or should I be able to say I don't want think horrible person and his negative vibes to be apart of our big day?! how can I explain this to him? have any of you had this dilemma, how did you handle it?

[Deleted User]

Where is your FI while all of this is going on? If this friend of his is so horrible and awful to you, he should be standing up for you. Sounds like you have a FI problem.

angelstar975

I wouldn't want the guy at my wedding either, so I don't blame you. I would have a huge issue with the fact that your FI lets him get away with saying this stuff about you though. At the very least, I would insist on an apology or no way would this guy be coming.

nkelliher

We don't hang around with him anymore and he doesn't say mean things to my FI directly, FI just thinks that us getting married will suddenly make this kid respect our relationship

[Deleted User]

Well your FI needs a wake-up call. Let him know your feelings on this and say that you aren't comfortable with this so-called "friend" being at the wedding. Then see where that goes. If your FI brushes it off and doesn't take it seriously then you have bigger problems then this rude dude.

brilibby4

I agree with PPs.  I would have a HUGE problem with my fiance wanting to continue a friendship with someone who called me fat.  I don't think you should invite him and I don't think your fiance should want to invite him.

Milsey32

DH had a group of 4 or 5 friends in HS that were pretty close. One guy used to be cool when DH and I started dating but months before the wedding threw fits often. He told me "everyone has changed!" Uh... it's called growing up, dude. Since HS, one has twins, one got married, and DH (obviously) got married too. Anyway, the guy ended up not being invited to our wedding (even though when we got engaged DH was considering him as his BM)...

Some people just suck. Sorry :-/

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6c6d85c-1946-4533-8786-0a36547d5670Post:ecb52f53-acf6-4557-b64a-2ffa6c06c240">unsupportive friend</a>:
[QUOTE]so there's this friend of my fiances who hasn't liked me from the beginning of our relationship almost 3 years ago, he's been consistently rude to me, said horrible things about me, called me fat, the list just goes on and on. I did nothing to provoke this but obviously now he knows the hatred is mutual. naturally when he found out we were engaged he had all sorts of mean jokes and nasty things to say about us to our friends. the problem is he assumes he'll be invited to the wedding!! FI sees no problem in inviting him because they've been friends for so long.. now am I just crazy or should I be able to say I don't want think horrible person and his negative vibes to be apart of our big day?! how can I explain this to him? have any of you had this dilemma, how did you handle it?
Posted by nkelliher[/QUOTE]

Calling you fat is reason to to hate him or to make your FI drop a friend? 

IMO, that's silly and stooping to his level. "negative vibes & "big day" make me wonder how old you are.

Those are WORDS.  Ignore them or stand up and tell him he's an azzhole.  Don't make your FI fight your battles

ShadowCutter

I agree; although we don't have this problem my FI has said that if anyone mistreated me like that they would be out of the friendship, no matter how long they'd had it. One of my "friends" falsely accused my FI of things and spread rumors and she's no longer my friend either. That's how it should work. Hopefully the marriage will make him start respecting you, but I doubt it since the relationship and the engagement haven't, and even if it does I wouldn't invite him. Making him understand you both won't stand for that is what will make him start respecting you, if anything will. Not inviting him is a good start IMO.

mkrupar

I don't think you have a FI problem and I hate when that gets thrown out so quickly. It makes me feel like people think, "Gosh if this guy doesn't drop this friend you might as well drop FI, IMMEDIATELY." It's not always as simple as that.

OP talk to you FI about your concerns. See if he can find out why this guy has a problem with you. There could be a myriad of reasons for this behavior towards you. Is it acceptable? Not really, but if you can get to the root of it, and at least come to a mutual indifference to each other, wouldn't it be good for FI to have his friend at the wedding? 

bobbi62

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6c6d85c-1946-4533-8786-0a36547d5670Post:03d21074-a4e2-4628-a7a8-d02809178677">Re: unsupportive friend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to unsupportive friend : Calling you fat is reason to to hate him or to make your FI drop a friend?  IMO, that's silly and stooping to his level. "negative vibes & "big day" make me wonder how old you are. Those are WORDS.  Ignore them or stand up and tell him he's an azzhole.  Don't make your FI fight your battles
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

disagree.  calling someone fat is disrespectul and unkind (unless of course it to the mean ladies on here, they don't count, cause they say mean things to people, so they deserve what they dish out... I digress)

anyway, I disagree.  I would not care for someone if they called me names.  I would especially have a problem with my fiance if his friend was calling me names and my fiance did nothing to stop it, even if said name calling is not in the presence of fiance. Fiance should listen to me and address said friend and tell him to stop calling me names... and if friend does not stop, fiance would discontinue friendship. If fiance doesn't address issue, then discontinue fiance.

If any one of my friends said anything bad about my fiance, they would not be my friend.  I would not allow anyone to trash talk my fiance.  ... and I know for a fact if any one person said anything bad about me to my fiance, they woudl not be his friend.

She doesn't need to fight a battle, she needs to remove this jerk from her life... he sounds like an immature ass... and if the fiance doesn't address it with her, then I think she has another problem.

one last thought.. if your fiance allows people to disrespect you, think about that?, hmmm...... my brain comes up with "then fiance doesn't respect you either".... damn i smart.

stefwells23

I am a firm believer that you should always confront the issue yourself first. If you have told this a-hole to stop it and he has continued, then I would talk to your FI and tell him how upset his friend is making you. Something needs to be done, whether you tell this guy off or your Fi does.

Sorry you have to deal with this, it is never easy

eorea

In Response to Re:unsupportive friend:[QUOTE]I don't think you have a FI problem and I hate when that gets thrown out so quickly. It makes me feel like people think, "Gosh if this guy doesn't drop this friend you might as well drop FI, IMMEDIATELY." It's not always as simple as that.OP talk to you FI about your concerns. See if he can find out why this guy has a problem with you. There could be a myriad of reasons for this behavior towards you. Is it acceptable? Not really, but if you can get to the root of it, and at least come to a mutual indifference to each other, wouldn't it be good for FI to have his friend at the wedding?nbsp; Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

I agree with MK on the first part. People always jump to that. Not everything is so black and white.

I also agree your FI should try to find out what the problem is but has he ever said anything to this friend at all? I'm sorry but if any of my friends called my H cruel names fat, ugly, or whatever else we would have a serious problems. That is extremely disrespectful. It is different than just not liking someone.

H's best friend expressed doubt about us getting married when we got engaged. Was I upset? I didn't like it but it made no difference to me. I understand. If he had called me cruel names and continued to do so I doubt they would be as close as now. They talked it out and things are fine now.

Bottom line, I think your FI should step in say it isn't cool and he should find out what the problem is. Yea, it would be good for your FI to have his friend at the wedding but not if this friend is going to treat you terribly.

How do you respond when he calls you these names?

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6c6d85c-1946-4533-8786-0a36547d5670Post:03d21074-a4e2-4628-a7a8-d02809178677">Re: unsupportive friend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to unsupportive friend : Calling you fat is reason to to hate him or to make your FI drop a friend?  IMO, that's silly and stooping to his level. "negative vibes & "big day" make me wonder how old you are. Those are WORDS.  Ignore them or stand up and tell him he's an azzhole.  Don't make your FI fight your battles
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

I disagree too. The OP isn't saying her FI should drop him as a friend, she is asking if she is wrong for not wanting him at the wedding. IMO if someone is insulting me (or FI) and name calling they are not invited to the wedding. Her FI can remain friends with him but she doesn't have to be around this guy.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unsupportive-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d6c6d85c-1946-4533-8786-0a36547d5670Post:30148173-c1f2-41c5-8fac-e67750d7a41c">Re: unsupportive friend</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: unsupportive friend : If someone is a big enough problem that you can't stand the idea of them at your wedding, then yes I question her FI being close enough with this friend to argue over it.  DH has several acquaintances that I don't really get along with.  However, when we were making our guestlist, they were the first ones cut, no questions asked.  He maintains casual friendships with them just fine, but there was no way that he was asking me to cut close friends or family to make room for someone who openly dislikes me.  Put yourself on the flipside.  If you were hanging out with someone who called your FI names and was constantly rude to them, would your response be to the tell your FI to suck it up and deal with it or to be angry with your friend?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div><div>I agree with this.</div><div>
</div><div>At the same time, learn to let the weight comments roll off your back.  It's not about you. It has nothing to do with you, specifically. It is a rampant issue in this country that people feel the need to remark on other people's appearances or just spew word vomit. I've been a (5'5) size 14 (age 21), and I am now a size 4 (age 29). But I swear I hear more about my weight now than I did when I was a size 14. My own brother calls me Skeletor, jokingly (ha ha); my mother REPEATEDLY asks me if I am eating; my FMIL, in the two times I have met her has felt the need to comment on my size and what I order at restaurants (grilled fish or chicken, steamed veggies, some sort of healthier-ish carb - not fries); some of my friends call me "Skinny Minnie;" one said I had just "disappeared;" one even told me that I don't look like the same person when I'm dancing anymore, I move SO differently now. I am happy that I got back into shape and qualified for the Boston Marathon, but I am SO SICK of people's comments about my size and my eating habits. </div><div>
</div><div>Clearly I'm having a hard time letting the weight comments roll off my back... ;) But if FI cut off every person who said hurtful things to me about my weight and my eating habits, he'd be cutting off a lot of people.</div></div>