Wedding Etiquette Forum

We dont want his parents at the wedding...

Well my fiance and I have issues with his mother.  She always is yelling and screaming at him for no apparent reason, shes verbally abusive etc.  She would be the type to speak up at the "speak now or forever hold your peace"; even for a DUMB reason just to ruin our day.  She is the only person who smokes and has no consideration for that.  (She smokes IN MY CAR) Even with a designated area she would just light up wherever at the reception, as shes done at other weddings.  His father does nothing to prevent any of this.

We would LOVE his father and his sister to be there, in fact his sister is one of my bride's maids.  What sould we do at this point?  My parents say to invite her anyway.  I am well aware that We cannot invite one and not the other.  What would you guys do?

Thanks in advance

Re: We dont want his parents at the wedding...

  • Sorry in advance fofr the double post, my internet freaked out before i finished the poll
  • Well you should not split up social units, so it's not good etiquette to not invite his mother.

    Why you you put his father even in that position?

    You seem to have somewhat of a relationship with her, don't you think not inviting her might cause even bigger problems?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Irishgirl77xxIrishgirl77xx member
    First Comment
    edited May 2011
    I do only to save face,  so she wont go off attacking my fiance.   Personally, I cannot stand her.  its so bad that we have decided not to allow her to see her grandchildren, since she is THAT verbally abusive and inconsiderate.   She sat and held her neice while smoking in the baby's face.  No consideration. At all.  Even after the mother freaked out.  Its that bad

    Ive told my finace its either both or neither.  I dont think its fair to his dad to invite him and not her.  BUt i figured id see what you guys would do
  • then don't invite her.

    doesn't mean she will not crash the wedding making and even bigger scene.

    You know if you invite her she will smoke where she is not allowed.. Let the venue take care of that. 

    Who the hell knows what she will do if she is not invited.

    Remember.... Keep your friends close and your enemies closer






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited May 2011
    Yeah it would suck to make your FFIL miss out because of how crazy his wife is. It pretty much is both or neither, in terms of proper etiquette. 

    I would say invite her, and like PP said, if she smokes that is for the venue to handle. Plus anything obnoxious she does is her problem, not yours. It will make her look bad, not you. Just tell yourself you will have a good day, no matter what she may do. 

    if you really don't want her there that badly, you should look into some security to prevent her from crashing the wedding, and just ask yourself, is that really worth it? 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • If you are both prepared to end the relationship with both of his parents, then don't invite them. If you want to preserve the relationship with at least FFIL, then you should invite them. If she behaves badly, that makes her look bad, not you. There will be so much going on, hopefully you won't even notice. Let the venue handle any bad smoking behavior (maybe warn them in advance?). Can you speak to FFIL and ask for his help on your wedding day?
  • I think you should invite her.  Also, you can omit the "speak now, or forever hold your peace" part of the ceremony if you really think she would say something.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    Or maybe just go elope. That will solve your worries about her behavior, but I bet she'd have something awful to say about your choice. From the sound of things though, you don't really mind what she thinks. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • Had the same issue with my FMIL, except she's just a control freak.
    FH and I decided to elope and be done with it.
  • NOTE: The reception will probably be in my parents back yard since its HUGE and gorgoeous.
  • It sounds like you have a while, so I think I would plan to invite her, but not worry about it too much for now.  As a PP said, you can omit the "speak now or forever hold your peace" line if you're worried about it.  If you think she'll smoke in inappropriate places or otherwise act poorly, you might see if another member of FI's family can keep an eye on her, or if that's too much to ask of someone, hire someone to help things go smoothly.  
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-his-parents-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8391913-27ba-4f7b-bae3-edeec0d3c959Post:5924e777-4a3f-4221-90a5-751d3f278d88">Re: We dont want his parents at the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I haven't heard the "speak now or forever hold your peace" line anywhere but in the movies.</strong>  It wasn't in my Methodist church ceremony in 1976.  It wasn't in my mother's Catholic ceremony in 1970. The only possible reasons someone could make a valid objection, even in the movies, is an existing marriage that prevents one of the couple from being married, or consanguinity. Yes, you have to invite her.   Or would you rather make trouble in your new family?
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>William and Kate's wedding. =D</div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • leavee the "speak now" section out of your vows. It's not required and pretty out-dated.
  • We also took out the 'speak now' section. Also, I would invite both the in-laws, I would have a plan that if she got out of hand, she will be escorted out (example - smoking, I know in my state they have become super strict with where you can and can not smoke) but that sounds like something the venue would need to handle. And I'm sure you and H will be super busy and won't even notice her behavior.
    Anniversary
  • Exclude the speak now bit, since his mother seems like the type to bust outt he Taylor Swift song of the same name or something like that.

    I was going to say hire a wedding coordinator who can deal with making sure no one, especially his mom, breaks any smoking rules and who can calm her down, distract her, or escort her out if necessary. But honestly, if it's an outdoor wedding in a backyard, how do you expect to be able to stop people from lighting up?
  • The only people that should be at your wedding are people that choose to support and celebrate you. Your stressed should be about trivial things, not the behavior of a family member. If his mother is as inconsiderate as you say, she doesn't deserve to be there. I disagree about breaking up a married unit. Yes, it would be proper etiquette for guests, but an unfit mother doesn't follow etiquette and you don't need to for this one either.

    Since it is at your parents, I would go ahead and hire a couple of security personnel to be on the safe side.


  • We do not get along with FMIL, FSIL, or FSFIL so that family will not be invited.
  • What a terrible situation, OP.  I am so sorry you're going through this, but I would still invite her.  She's FI's mom. If it was any other relative I'd probably just say to not invite them and deal with the fallout, but it's his mom.  At the very least you should make the gesture of inviting her to appease FFIL and maintain a relationship with him. 
  • You can't not invite his mother. You can elope, but you can't throw a big bash and exclude just her. It's not how you want to start your relationship with your new inlaws. 

    Has your FI discussed his concerns with his father at all? That's the first step. 

    Second, you need to step up, and if you don't want your FMIL smoking around you/your child/your car, say so. And stick to it. Someone can only run all over you if YOU allow it. 
    As for the wedding, have your FI tell his dad that she cannot smoke at the reception, period. She can smoke by the car, or on the other side of the house or some completely excluded area, but if she lights up, she will be asked to leave. 
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-his-parents-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8391913-27ba-4f7b-bae3-edeec0d3c959Post:6493824c-bd0b-4a73-8847-69467aa7a9cf">Re: We dont want his parents at the wedding...</a>:
    [QUOTE]then don't invite her. doesn't mean she will not crash the wedding making and even bigger scene. You know if you invite her she will smoke where she is not allowed.. Let the venue take care of that.  Who the hell knows what she will do if she is not invited. Remember.... <strong><font color="#000080">Keep your friends close and your enemies closer
    </font></strong>Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't have said it better.  You will have to deal with her, in one way or another, for the rest of her life. 
  • Thanks so much guys for covering all side of the situation!   FI and I have talked more about it and we are going to have a sit down with both of them.   Things tend to not go well at these "family meetings" but I guess that will just determine how the outcome is.    Thanks again all!

    ~Becky
  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I'm glad that you've figured things out.

    For the record, I haven't heard that section on objections to the marriage in a wedding outside of movies and TV shows.
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