This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!

prttyinpink809

1) When I sent out invitations that were addressed to *specific* people, I recieved several back with an additional guest written in.

2) I have had a couple of Groomsmen break up with their girlfriends, and one of them is now bringing a replacement. The other one asked to and I put my foot down and said NO! 

3) It annoys me that there are a few girls who neither my fiance' or I have never met in my life who are coming as 'guests' of friends. $120/plate guests, mind you. (I'm not talking about wives or serious girlfriends or fiance's, I mean CASUAL girlfriends.

I have had people lately say ''Oh, I can't come with my wife, so-and-so is coming in my place''. (9 times out of 10 we don't know who 'so and so' is). Did it ever occur to just NOT have someone take your place?!?! It's obvious the meal is plated now, because I've asked everyone what they are eating!!! 

For last minute people who have shown up out of the woodworks demanding an invite, I have said that people are welcome to go to the ceremony, but the reception is reserved (family and close friends). I am up to here with people getting attitudes because they weren't invited, people asking to bring dates, etc. My parents are funding this whole thing and I feel bad that people are being so rude!! And that I know there will be inconsiderate no-shows!!! 

I am so excited about our wedding, it is just getting frustrating to see the liberty people take and the level of cluelessness that GROWN people have. Anyone having similar issues?

monkeysip

We need to make a distinction first.

If your guest considers him or herself in a relationship, then his or her SO needs to be invited.  It doesn't matter if they've been dating 2 weeks or you've never met them.  If they're in a relationship, they both get invitations.

Now, if these guests are not in relationships, and they're just adding extra guests (people do that sometimes), then they are being rude, and you don't have to invite that extra person.  Just politely call them and let them know that their extra guest cannot be accomodated.

This is definitely the case when you invite a couple, and the person replaces their significant other with someone else, like a friend or family member.  You definitely don't have to invite that person.

It sucks to deal with this, but it happens.  Just make sure you're not being the rude one.  Good luck!

*Edit for grammar

J&K10910

1)  That sucks and they're being ridiculous, just call and say you're sorry but you can only accommodate the invited people.

2)  Your GM should be able to bring a guest.  They're doing a lot for you.

3)  When you give someone a guest, you don't get to decide who it will be.  Would you prefer it was someone you'd NEVER met before?  Though if these are replacement guests, that's dumb on their part, but you had already counted on that number of guests, no? 

I get that it's expensive, but if you didn't want to pay $120 a plate for people's guests, you probably should have picked a different venue or caterer.

scstar17

I guess most people will say that even a casual girlfriend is a girlfriend, but the substitution people are really rude.

My millionaire uncle has so far invited four people. He invited his friend from college and said "oh well she's already started making you an afghan." Like I want that damn yarn blanket. She was always nice to my nana when she was alive and helped her run errands though so I said okay. Then he said his brother-in-law and his wife (I've never met either) were coming to our party a week later in my fiancee's home state (kind of a second reception). THEN he invited his neighbor from his Mexican winter home who doesn't speak English - she was very nice the one time I met her but that doesn't mean she can come! This is our celebration of our love and lives together, not a party for a relative that was largely invisible my entire life. And he said "I'll pay for her meals if I have to but she's really excited to go." Um no, throwing money around doesn't solve a problem.

Anyway that was the final straw. My mom called and told him firmly this was not a banquet hall or hotel where you can easily add more seats, that it was a smaller wedding in a restaurant and that we were having it exactly how we wanted, with people we KNEW present. Now my RSVPs have a spot that says "We have reserved ___ seats in your honor" to ensure he doesn't try it again.  I say be firm and tell these people they cannot bring extras as you have a budget and do not want strangers present at your special day.

TheSlowskys

1. Agreed, people shouldn't add in additional names. However if you left off a significant other that isn't right. It's also not your place to make a judgment on their relationship. If that's not the case and you invited truly single sally and she rsvp'd with her sister, then its ok to call and politely tell her the invite was for her only. 2. You had the space for the other gf, you should let them bring a date. 3. That's weddings. Not to be harsh, but get over it. There's dates I don't know too but the invitee matters enough to us that we want them to have a guest if they want. Re substitutions, see #2. I can understand if the guest was married and they wanted to bring a friend I would be annoyed. But I can't imagine there are enough people to get worked up over. If they are traveling or have mobility issues and may need help is probably give them a pass. If someone demands an invite politely tell them you were unable to incite everyone you wanted. DO NOT invite them to the ceremony. And yes, everyone has guest issues to some extent, no shows, uninvited, etc. It's a fact of wedding planning just like having to invite some people you'd rather not want there.

mizutamababy

1.)  That is rude.  Did you call them to say something like, "Sorry if there was any misunderstandings, but we only have 1 place reserved in your name.  Due to venue capacity restraints we cannot accommodate an extra guest(s)?"

The other examples:  Is this a destination wedding?  If so, it's not uncommon to give all single guests a plus one since traveling by yourself to a wedding you might not know everyone can be intimidating, especially during wedding downtime where it would be more fun to go exploring with a friend.

But if this is not a destination wedding,  I think this could have been avoided if you had worded the invitation to the person's name and their significant other instead of just doing a +1 on the invite.  Unfortunately unless you name the +1 on the invite, you can't really dictate who they bring or get upset if they brought someone else than you were imagining.

It also not your guests fault you chose a venue with $120/plate meals and they probably aren't aware of that.

achiduck

1) Call them and explain that only the people listed on the envelope are invited. 

2) You really need to allow your WP to bring dates, they've spent a lot of time and money helping you prepare for the wedding. This is not a place to save money.

3) While you may consider these guests 'casual' relationships, the people involved might not. It's really not fair to judge the status of someone else's relationship.

Don't have a tiered wedding. It's rude for people to ask if they're invited or demand to be. A simple "we appreciate your interest in our wedding, but unfortunately due to space/budget limitations we just weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to" is all you need to say. 

Ditto J&K about the $120 per plate venue bit.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-is-a-formal-wedding-not-a-freeforall-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8d62d03-4fa7-4d94-824f-432fa0246471Post:caec9dcc-2b68-4237-9599-6525d1b205c6">This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!</a>:
[QUOTE]1) When I sent out invitations that were addressed to *specific* people, I recieved several back with an additional guest written in. 2) I have had a couple of Groomsmen break up with their girlfriends, and one of them is now bringing a replacement. The other one asked to and I put my foot down and said NO!  3) It annoys me that there are a few girls who neither my fiance' or I have never met in my life who are coming as 'guests' of friends. $120/plate guests, mind you. (I'm not talking about wives or serious girlfriends or fiance's, I mean CASUAL girlfriends. I have had people lately say ''Oh, I can't come with my wife, so-and-so is coming in my place''. (9 times out of 10 we don't know who 'so and so' is). Did it ever occur to just NOT have someone take your place?!?! It's obvious the meal is plated now, because I've asked everyone what they are eating!!!  For last minute people who have shown up out of the woodworks demanding an invite, I have said that people are welcome to go to the ceremony, but the reception is reserved (family and close friends). I am up to here with people getting attitudes because they weren't invited, people asking to bring dates, etc. My parents are funding this whole thing and I feel bad that people are being so rude!! And that I know there will be inconsiderate no-shows!!!  I am so excited about our wedding, it is just getting frustrating to see the liberty people take and the level of cluelessness that GROWN people have. Anyone having similar issues?
Posted by prttyinpink809[/QUOTE]

1) I would call and politely let them know the invitation was only for them.

2) I would let all WP members bring a guest, even if they are single. it's a nice gesture and overall won't be a ton of extra people, but they are spending a lot of time and money to be in your wedding. Some may even opt to not bring a guest, but at least they have the choice.

3) What's a casual girlfriend? If someone calls someone their boy/girlfriend, they should also be invited. You shouldn't judge the seriousness of others' relationships.

I don't think you should fault guests for your expensive meal. That was your choice.

ETA: And don't invite people to just the ceremony. I know you think you're being nice, but tiered weddings are rude. Just politely but firmly put your foot down. "Sorry, we weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to, but we look forward to getting together sometime after our HM" for instance.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-is-a-formal-wedding-not-a-freeforall-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8d62d03-4fa7-4d94-824f-432fa0246471Post:caec9dcc-2b68-4237-9599-6525d1b205c6">This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!</a>:
[QUOTE]1) When I sent out invitations that were addressed to *specific* people, I recieved several back with an additional guest written in. 2) I have had a couple of Groomsmen break up with their girlfriends, and one of them is now bringing a replacement. The other one asked to and I put my foot down and said NO!  3) It annoys me that there are a few girls who neither my fiance' or I have never met in my life who are coming as 'guests' of friends. $120/plate guests, mind you. (I'm not talking about wives or serious girlfriends or fiance's, I mean CASUAL girlfriends. I have had people lately say ''Oh, I can't come with my wife, so-and-so is coming in my place''. (9 times out of 10 we don't know who 'so and so' is). Did it ever occur to just NOT have someone take your place?!?! It's obvious the meal is plated now, because I've asked everyone what they are eating!!!  For last minute people who have shown up out of the woodworks demanding an invite, <strong>I have said that people are welcome to go to the ceremony, but the reception is reserved (family and close friends).</strong> I am up to here with people getting attitudes because they weren't invited, people asking to bring dates, etc. My parents are funding this whole thing and I feel bad that people are being so rude!! And that I know there will be inconsiderate no-shows!!!  I am so excited about our wedding, it is just getting frustrating to see the liberty people take and the level of cluelessness that GROWN people have. Anyone having similar issues?
Posted by prttyinpink809[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ummm no- don't do that.  If they weren't invited, then they weren't invited period.  Just say, "We are having a small wedding. I hope you understand."  Whether it is actually small or not doesn't matter- small is a relative term.</div><div>
</div><div>If a person considers themselves in a relationship, then you must invite the SO to the wedding.  Don't judge their relationships and it doesn't matter whether you know the SO or not. </div><div>
</div><div>I'd be annoyed if married people couldn't bring their spouse and wanted to bring someone else.  They're adults- they can choose to come alone or not come.  They shouldn't need to bring a wedding buddy.

</div>

ILoveToRobot

I just want to add that allowing the WP to bring a guest even if they are not in a relationship is not necessary. It is common on this board for people to see it that way but it is definately not required. It can be a nice gesture if they are not in a relationship or do not know anyone but would not/should not be frowned upon if you don't offer it. Do what you can afford but do not split up social units.

chattychiqa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-is-a-formal-wedding-not-a-freeforall-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8d62d03-4fa7-4d94-824f-432fa0246471Post:3a496a79-c21c-410e-9107-3d487c873ada">Re: This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to add that allowing the WP to bring a guest even if they are not in a relationship is not necessary. It is common on this board for people to see it that way but it is definately not required. It can be a nice gesture if they are not in a relationship or do not know anyone but would not/should not be frowned upon if you don't offer it. Do what you can afford but do not split up social units.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I did.  Some of the WP chose not to bring a +1 at all, despite me saying it was okay. 

I do dislike guests automatically assuming they can substitute for their spouse.  I was in a position like that once, at a wedding where I'd have known nobody but the groomette (same sex wedding).  I asked if I could bring a mutual friend from HS as FI couldn't get out of work, my friend was very gracious about it and said yes of course.  I'd have still gone if she'd said no, but it was very kind of her to allow me this.  Even still, I'd nver assume or just write it on an RSVP.  Yuck.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-is-a-formal-wedding-not-a-freeforall-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8d62d03-4fa7-4d94-824f-432fa0246471Post:caec9dcc-2b68-4237-9599-6525d1b205c6">This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!</a>:
[QUOTE]1) When I sent out invitations that were addressed to *specific* people, I recieved several back with an additional guest written in. <strong>This is typical - just about every bride has to deal with this.</strong>
 2) I have had a couple of Groomsmen break up with their girlfriends, and one of them is now bringing a replacement. The other one asked to and I put my foot down and said NO! 
<strong>While invitations are "non-transferable" you had budgeted for 2 people anyway so what's the harm in letting a GM have a "replacement" date?  It's very nice to offer the bridal party the opportunity to bring dates.</strong>
3) It annoys me that there are a few girls who neither my fiance' or I have never met in my life who are coming as 'guests' of friends. $120/plate guests, mind you. (I'm not talking about wives or serious girlfriends or fiance's, I mean CASUAL girlfriends. <strong> If you offered them a +1, you have zero say in who that +1 is.</strong> <strong>It doesn't matter if you've met them or not.</strong>
 I have had people lately say ''Oh, I can't come with my wife, so-and-so is coming in my place''. (9 times out of 10 we don't know who 'so and so' is). Did it ever occur to just NOT have someone take your place?!?! It's obvious the meal is plated now, because I've asked everyone what they are eating!!!  <strong>Agree that bringing people in place of the invitee is not okay, but again, you were planning on that number of people anyway so it's not like you're putting out more money for these people.
</strong>
For last minute people who have shown up out of the woodworks demanding an invite, I have said that people are welcome to go to the ceremony, but the reception is reserved (family and close friends). I am up to here with people getting attitudes because they weren't invited, people asking to bring dates, etc. My parents are funding this whole thing and I feel bad that people are being so rude!! And that I know there will be inconsiderate no-shows!!!  <strong>WHo are these people demanding invitations? Did your parents have a say in the guest list?</strong>
 I am so excited about our wedding, it is just getting frustrating to see the liberty people take and the level of cluelessness that GROWN people have. Anyone having similar issues?  <strong>Yep, planning a wedding is very difficult at times.  It will be behind you soon so don't let these speed bumps ruin your engagment time.</strong>
Posted by prttyinpink809[/QUOTE]

PhoneCardLady

A friend's daughter decided that she would nip adding extra people in the bud by adding "ONLY" after their name(s).

I just rolled my eyes and shook my head....

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-is-a-formal-wedding-not-a-freeforall-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d8d62d03-4fa7-4d94-824f-432fa0246471Post:3a496a79-c21c-410e-9107-3d487c873ada">Re: This is a formal wedding, not a freeforall. Rant!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just want to add that allowing the WP to bring a guest even if they are not in a relationship is not necessary. It is common on this board for people to see it that way but it is definately not required. It can be a nice gesture if they are not in a relationship or do not know anyone but would not/should not be frowned upon if you don't offer it. Do what you can afford but do not split up social units.
Posted by ILoveToRobot[/QUOTE]

No, of course it's not necessary, but it's a nice gesture for people that have probably given you a lot of their time and money.